I (23F) have been dating my boyfriend (28M) for 6 months, known him for 8-9 months total. Since this is my first relationship ever, I cannot tell if this is normal relationship changes, if my mental health is clouding things, or if there are actual compatibility issues. I was home schooled, sheltered, and never dated before him. I’ve struggled with long-term emotional numbness/anhedonia/depression for years, so I already have a hard time feeling excitement, joy, connection, etc. in general. That’s important because I know my emotional state affects how I interpret things.
When we first met, I felt something VERY strongly toward him, which is extremely rare for me and I was surprised at how strong of a hold he had on me. We worked together at first and spent a lot of time together. He flirted with me the entire time I have known him, but I decided to take my time and accept him as my boyfriend later. He was charming, funny, attentive, playful, flirtatious, wrote me poems, took me out on dates, complimented me constantly, called me the prettiest woman in the room, etc. I felt excited and physically felt emotions in my body around him, which never happens for me. When we cuddled, I actually felt warm/safe/comforted in my body. When he texted me, I would smile. I felt chemistry and emotional energy around him that I normally NEVER feel with people.
Now we’re 6 months into officially dating and things feel… flat and even irritating sometimes. Not necessarily bad, just different, and I can’t tell if this is normal relationship progression or something deeper. We have not had a single disagreement, not a crossed word, not even a tone with each other at any point. We still cuddle, but I feel neutral while doing it.
Our routine changed from us working together, going on actual dates, flirting heavily and there being excitement to now where its going to his place every weekend, watch Youtube or anime, maybe drink with his friends, sleep really late and repeat.
Some positives:
- He has NEVER pressured me sexually. I have slept at his place multiple times just him and I for months and he never took advantage of that.
- He always asks for consent.
- He’s patient and physically affectionate.
- He cuddles me constantly.
- He includes me in his life/friends/family. I've met all his friends multiple times and his mom. We hang out with his friends often.
- He opens doors for me, checks if I’m okay socially, etc.
- When I lost my virginity a few days ago, he was reassuring and careful the entire time.
- He knows I’m struggling with major family issues and depression.
- He tells me I’m beautiful/hot/cute often.
- He says he wants me around and likes spending time with me.
But there are things that bother me more and more when I think about it.
- He rarely asks about me or my inner world and his effort dropped over time. This is honestly the biggest thing.
I realized on our first date (9 hours long) and second date (also 9 hours long) we only talked about him. Looking back, almost every conversation has been about him, whether its his stories, his opinions, his stress, his past, his coworkers, his friends, his interests, etc.
He does technically ask me things like how my day was sometimes and random questions here and there. But it’s rare and there’s no follow-up curiosity. Meanwhile, I naturally ask people a million questions because I care about understanding them. I realized I’ve had this dynamic in MANY friendships too. People love talking to me, but I always end up feeling unseen because I’m ALWAYS the listener. And people never bother to ask anything about me, I don't want this to happen in my relationship. I never initiate emotional conversations because it feels wrong or selfish to bring attention to myself. Even when major things are happening in my life (my parents splitting up, family issues, depression), I wait for people to ask about me instead of openly talking about it. He even told me on text that we will talk about my family situation next time I see him and then he doesn't follow through and he doesn't bring it up. It sucks because I'm always curious about the other person and I get disappointed every time because I wait for them to ask anything about me or my interests and it never comes. I’ve realized that I minimize myself in relationships. I always say “it’s okay” when it’s not, say I had fun when I didn’t, never express disappointment, never ask for things, and avoid conflict at all costs. Never saying what I truly think basically. I think I unintentionally teach people not to focus on me because I’m so low-maintenance and accommodating. And honestly, I think part of what hurts is that I don’t feel “thought about” anymore the way I did in the beginning. In the beginning he was fascinated by me. He called me a goddess, a supermodel, and all of these grandiose descriptions of me. Now sometimes I feel like I’m just existing beside him while he talks about his own world. I don’t think he’s malicious at all. I think he genuinely cares about me. That’s why this is hard. Instead it feels like maybe we care about each other deeply but connect in different ways emotionally. I like talking one on one and we rarely do that anymore, its mostly watching something on TV. I don't feel connected, it just feels like I'm there. We haven’t been somewhere just him and I in months. We don't go out or do anything because he's broke. He doesn't say I'm the prettiest anymore, he doesn't plan any dates. Every weekend we hang out at his place, and when I see him after all week long of working, I tell him that I missed him and he doesn't say it back. There was one time where we skipped a weekend and I didn't see him for 2 weeks so I was looking forward to seeing him and when I got there, he invited his friend immediately- I like his friends, but that time I was irritated because I wanted to spend time with just him.
For his birthday 2 months ago, I bought him the shirt he wanted, a cookie cake, and a card and I wrote a heartfelt letter in it. And later I paid for us to watch a movie at the theaters. I spent the whole day with him and it was great.
For my birthday a few days ago, he made banana bread (which isn't my favorite or anything special to me, he just made a random baked dessert), cooked meals (which he already would’ve cooked because we needed food), we watched videos/games. He didn’t get me anything. It was the same thing for Christmas too, I got him stuff (a vinyl record, some bookmarks and a snack) and he didn't get me anything. I know I'm low maintenance and he knows I don't care for the material things and I don't expect things, but at the same time, a handmade card is free. He didn't ask about how my birthday went, how I'm doing, nothing. He asked if I wanted to go to the park because I love being outside and I said yes, but we ended up staying at his place anyway.
He’s broke and is struggling financially/job-wise. He’s stressed constantly, got rejected from jobs/law school, and feels hopeless about life right now. So I know I shouldn't care about the birthday thing because I KNOW he’s struggling. However, he can buy coffee everyday, beer, and zyn and he showed me the gift he got his mom for mother's day. It just left me with a weird taste in my mouth.
- Some of his comments bother me.
He frequently comments on attractive women casually/jokingly. He is very visual and still kind of acts like a frat guy when it comes to women. Examples: Saying "grocery stores are good places to meet women because I always see cute girls there", he compares women’s attractiveness and is very blunt if someone is unattractive, jokes about hot blondes (when I'm a brunette), saying "I'm sorry if Zack's mom calls me" while looking at me because shes hot. I don't like how he thinks about relationships either. When his friend was saying how this girl was the one that got away, my bf said "Well how many Emmas are out there?" as if someone can be replaced that easily. And when his friend was talking about swingers, my bf said it happens when couples get tired of each other after 10 years, and I didn't like that at all- you're either married for life or not. His married friend was asked to think about the prettiest woman and he pointed to his wife, and my bf said "of course he will say his wife". Like I'm sorry, but if you have a wife, you SHOULD think that she is the prettiest woman. But the last straw was on my birthday when he was saying how there is this hot blonde that lives a few doors down at his apartment and how her boyfriend yells at her, so he came up with a scenario where she would come to his place after an argument with her boyfriend. That's really rude of him to be fantasizing about another woman that lives right next to him and telling me this on my birthday AND when he knows how insecure I am. I'm very insecure in myself and how I look and he knows this, I have never seen myself as attractive until he became my boyfriend. And all of these comments make me feel like I am easily replaceable. I do not want to feel like I am in comparison or competition with other women. I was compared to my cousin growing up as a child and I hated it and I don't want to relive that. And I was told things as a child that made me the extremely insecure person that I am today.
I don’t think he would cheat. But the constant awareness of women’s attractiveness bothers me because I personally don’t operate that way. I’m very connection-based with attraction. I don't even like the idea of him talking about other women when I am not there, much less talking about it to my face. What is the benefit of that? It's like he is testing me to see how far he can go. Because in the beginning of our relationship, he would make comments but it was rare but as time went on its more frequent. And I never say anything like that to him. I don't find other men to be attractive and if I did, I would keep it to myself and not fantasize and definitely not act on it. He is insecure because he doesn't have money, and I reassure him and say that I am not with you because of what you can give or do for me, I am with you for you. He knows I wouldn't leave him for a richer man, yet I feel like he would leave me for a prettier woman.
I still care about him deeply. Despite all this, he has genuinely become one of my safe places during an extremely hard period of my life (family split, issues with my mom/sisters, uncertainty about life/future). When I think of him I still think of comfort, peace, safety, familiarity, home. He has mentioned things that seem like he sees me as his forever person like "that will be us when we are older" and "can you imagine us cuddling like this when we are old" etc. But I’m starting to feel irritation and emotional distance creeping in, and I don’t know if that’s because: the honeymoon phase faded, my unmet needs are building up, my depression/anhedonia is worsening or we’re actually incompatible long-term. Neither of us have said that word "love" to eachother too. is this normal relationship progression after 6 months? Am I expecting too much emotionally? Does this sound fixable with communication? How do I know if this is incompatibility vs my own emotional issues? Have any of you realized you minimized yourself in relationships and accidentally created imbalance? Am I creating one-sided relationships by never expressing my needs honestly? - Is the drop in effort concerning or normal? Does this sound like someone who genuinely cares but is emotionally less aware, or someone losing interest?
And at work recently, there is this girl that has an amazing relationship and I can't help but be slightly jealous. They are able to go on trips out of state together, he truly loves her, he calls her and checks on her, he wants to spend time with her all the time even though they live together, he comes to visit her at work.
TL;DR: I’m 23 and in my first relationship (6 months officially, known him 8-9 months). In the beginning I felt extremely emotionally connected to my boyfriend in a way I’ve never experienced before, despite struggling with long-term emotional numbness/depression. He was attentive, romantic, curious about me, wrote poems, planned dates, etc. Now things feel flat and routine. We mostly stay at his apartment watching YouTube or hanging with his friends, he rarely asks deeper questions about me or follows up on my life, and I’m starting to feel emotionally unseen and unimportant even though he’s still physically affectionate and kind. He also makes frequent comments about attractive women that make me feel replaceable and insecure. At the same time, I realize I minimize myself in relationships, avoid conflict, rarely express my needs honestly, and tend to become “the listener” in every friendship/relationship. He’s also under a lot of stress financially and emotionally right now, so I don’t know how much that affects things. I still care about him deeply and see him as comfort/safety/home, but I’m feeling irritation and emotional distance creeping in and I can’t tell if this is: normal honeymoon-phase fading, my depression/anhedonia affecting my feelings, unmet emotional needs building resentment, or genuine incompatibility.
I won't respond to “just break up.” I genuinely want nuanced opinions. I know how important communication is in relationships even though this is my first. I need advice please