u/Free_Wasabi_3912

As the title says, whenever I get overwhelmed by life this could be disappointments, depression, low self worth or just a series of what I would consider unfortunate events. And I am generally in an unhappy space I withdraw from God. I stop reading the bible, praying and even worshipping. These phases occur a lot and I feel like recently I’ve been stuck in one for the last 3 years because I’ve been very unhappy and overwhelmed with life. I know that we are supposed to cast our burdens on God but I generally feel very helpless and hopeless.

I don’t really have a Christian community around me because I haven’t been to church consistently in years more like over a decade so I don’t have like minded people around me.

This is specifically for female friendships.

Is this something you’d stop talking to your friend about? If you found out that they cheated in their relationship?

So I was an aupair for two years in two separate countries in central Europe and both families never really wanted to have children. They would avoid spending any time with their children, because I was free on weekends they would hire a nanny and lock themselves in their room watch movies all day. They also got a babysitter during public holidays. One of my host mum expressed how much she never wanted children like ever but ended up pregnant by accident and she wishes she had never kept the pregnancy.

Aside from those direct comments you could see how they felt about their kids through the relationship and interactions they had with them. Including: yelling & cursing them for simple mistakes that are common with children, hitting them and being visually upset & irritated when they had to take care of their own kids.

I’m so glad I was able to experience being an aupair before I decided to settle down and have children because I didn’t know how demanding it can be and how much they take away from as a woman. It’s so mentally draining and children are generally so hard to deal with. This first hand experience in childcare made me childfree.

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF ABUSE AND DOMESTIC VIOLENCE

This is just a reflections of my mother’s life which has shaped how I view many things regarding to the responsibilities and standards that are placed on women by society.

Backstory:

My mother is the last born out of five and her mother shortly passed away after she was born and was raised by her siblings. I mean the nurturing, mothering aspect of raising children which includes: physical and emotional care. Her father shortly became alcoholic after his wife’s passing and he would often forget to leave money for food or clothes but he provided the bare minimum which was a roof over their heads.

Despite all this my mother and her siblings managed to educate themselves via student loans and they have all built a reputable life for themselves.

Main story:

My mother met my dad when she was in the final year of college and they decided to get married right away. They were both very religious Christians and their free time involved bible studies and meeting for coffee dates. My father additionally had a few loop holes in his religiousness which included occasional drinking and smoking, he however expected my mother to follow the bible very strictly. He controlled every aspect of her life including her dressing, friends, hobbies and money.

I would like to point out that this point of control did not start immediately. Since none of them had jobs at the time, they were on the same level financially but once my mother got a stable job which elevated her financial class and social circles, the control began.

Shortly after they got married around a year or so she got pregnant with my older brother by this time she was done with college. They started building what we now call our family home but it was not complete, majority of it and she was unemployed for a really long time and because she could not afford childcare she had to stay at home and find away of getting food which resulted to farming and donations from relatives and neighbors. My dad was also busy hustling trying to find a job in the city so that he could provide for his little family. My grandmother (dad’s mother) who lived right next to them never offered to help whether it was with food or babysitting.

Three years later I was born, my dad decided this was the perfect time to leave and pursue his masters in a neighboring country and he left my mother with no form of support and she also could not support herself because she had just given birth. Her sister moved in with her to assist with her kids and things around the house. They would farm and do everything else together because she also had her own kids. Upon my father’s return he stayed home with us for a few years because my mother had finally gotten employed and she had a very demanding job but she was the sole provider of the home which was no problem because they were both helping each other out.

Later on my day he got employed as well and they were able to afford a nanny(I’m from Africa so Nannie’s aren’t expensive). However, the differences in income were drastic with my mother making more than my father. My father’s masculinity was threatened by this and he became extremely controlling: making my mum share her card and PIN with him, forcing my mother to take loans on his behalf so that he could start a business and just being generally really entitled to her money. My dad decided he no longer wanted to be employed and he wanted to start his own business that’s why he was asking for the loans. If my mother refused he would get violent and beat her all night.

As a result my mother was the sole provider for the home and for us since businesses take a while to pick up. He was still demanding so many things for her including cars, an allowance and more money. And he warned her not to be seen out with her friends and demanded that she fulfills her roles as a wife, he would often quote the bible. At this point my dad was now spending his nights in pubs drinking with his successful friends, coming home very late and even cheating. He would come home from his expanded and beat my mother and I used to wonder if she’d still be alive in the morning.

My dad’s family knew all of this was happening but they did nothing. They didn’t try to intervene they just completely stopped talking to us. Unfortunately we lived in this environment for a really long time before my mother decided to take us and leave my father but she felt that she had lost years of her life and most importantly years of joy to this marriage.

In my community gender roles are still very prevalent even though there’s a lot of flexibility now. I however really despise the patriarchy, toxic masculinity and the whole system. Everything is set up to be in the benefit of the man. Women’s primary responsibilities include having kids, getting married, taking care of the home, submitting to men and shrinking themselves. This is a life I knew I didn’t want for myself, especially after witnessing what my mother had to go through.

Yes I have been in therapy for years to unpack my childhood trauma and work through it.

After my two year experience being an Aupair in the EU here are a few lessons I have learned so that you don’t have to repeat.

As an Aupair you are the prize. Host families need you more than you need them (especially if you’re already writhing a family). Without you they won’t be able to go to work or leave their children unattended. With this being said you should always remember that you can leave anytime you feel like you’re being overworked, treated badly, not being fed enough or when they’re just not following the terms of your contract. You do not have to persevere and stay. You can always rematch. Also, do not be afraid to speak up for yourself. Communication is key in a host family Aupair dynamic. If you’re unsure about something or unhappy with something do not hesitate to let them know, host families never hesitate to communicate with us so why should you?

If you continue to sweep things under the rug that is how they start pushing your limits since you’ll never say anything anyway and the only person who will be unhappy is you. Additionally, sometimes host families don’t know that you might be having a problem with something so you need to communicate. If you’d rather hangout in your room all day during your free time you don’t have to say yes to every invitation by them. But it is important to also play your part in being “an additional family member” which is total be btw you will never be a family member you’re there to work, you have a contract and working hours.

Secondly, the two week rematch period. If you find a family before the two weeks end you don’t have to remain with your host family out of courtesy. Please just leave. Host families will kick you out before those two weeks without a care in the world of where you’re going to sleep. They will not care about the two weeks. For God’s sake if you find a family before then leave. I always advise to look for another host family before you announce the rematch. That way even if they kick you out you will have a family already and you just need to finalize the paperwork.

Thirdly, the agency is never on our side as aupairs. We do not pay them so they will always side with the host families and even when you’re stranded the emergency housing will not be available. You might have to sleep at the train station. Even when you raise simple concerns with them they will tell you to talk to your host family and most of the time you’ve already tried to talk to them and it didn’t go well so you chose to involve the agency. Do not rely on the agency to help you, you better help yourself out.

All in all the Aupair program takes a lot form aupairs both mentally and physically. Host families will always gain more. We are paid Peanuts while we work full-time in exchange for housing and food. It’s a miracle if there is even enough food available for you to fuel you to ran after kids all day. Kudos to those host families that treat their aupairs with kindness and follow their contracts without exploitation. Unfortunately those who do the opposite are the majority.

And when it’s time to abolish the Aupair program I will be first in line.