u/Frack_Nugget

I'm trying to date again recently, and something is holding me back. I'm kinda realizing just how BIG a time investment another person is, and I'm realizing I'm going to lose so much of what I enjoy for one person, and it just feels like a bad trade. A bunch of the advice we give to people to get better in dating, such as "Get Hobby" "Make more friends" "Work on Yourself" etc. But like, what if I like all those things combined more than I want a partner?

If I got a GF, I can't see my friends as much because I have to prioritize her for my social life. If I got a GF I can't have that much time for my hobby. If I got a GF, I'd need to sideline my work, my time at the gym, at therapy etc. It's like. There's suddenly one person that my life HAS to revolve around, or they'll get upset, then we'll fight over it, then she'll leave. Why is it like that? Why can't my life still be mine when I'm dating?

Is healing also deciding to be better? Sometimes I feel like I put too much focus on things like gettng more fit, more clean, more productive, more discipline etc. The typical stuff people talk about getting better.

But, I also realize I'm not really taking care of myself anymore? I'm not letting myself heal and feel happy for the past year or so. Can I just, help myself too? Or is it going against being better?

They just feel way too similar, and I don't know how to tell something I really want from a compulsion? The only way I could tell is a compulsive action feels Soothing, Reassuring. And, a Want makes me feel happy. I don't know which is which until I'm in it, or I have it.

An example is dating, I don't really want it, I thought I did, but I realized later on that it's compulsive. It reassures me thay I'm not unwanted or ugly.

Is this a thing with anyone else?

I am very much guilty of doing this a lot. I'm very much obsessed to the point of getting an OCD Diagnosis with being better and being good. So don't tell me I'm not trying.

I've been going to therapy again recently, and I hit I think an important breakthrough. Happiness and Love isn't a reward for being better. It isn't an exclusive priviledge for the ones that worked on themselves or figured things out to be loved and cared for. Happiness isn't the reward after a grueling journey. It's just... there. Around you if you let yourself feel it. And you really don't need permission to seek it out and be happy? Like, you can genuinely just feel it for free.

Sometimes, I think maybe I wasn't getting better because I wasn't letting myself be happy? I'd throw myself in to everything that would make me better. I'd consume 10s of books on self improvement, spend hours in the gym, listen to hours of motivational talks and other shit. Recently I've been throwing myself into work because being productive and efficient is a big part of self improvement. And like, I did all these because I was told that you HAD to do all of these to be happy. That you'd never be happy or loved unless you did all of these. Those were things given to those that did THE WORK.

So yeah, say Yes to the person asking you out, say Yes.to your friends inviting you on your birthday. Let yourself be happy, it's not exclusive to those that are already better, you're allowed to have it too, despite not being perfect.