u/Former-Weather8146

This might sound stupid I’m not sure, i legit JUST woke up from a dream its 4am and in my dream its where I flirted with a girl at a thrift store and as i walked away she said to someone else “oh you know i was just talking with that cute girl over there” and then i went 💀 and woke up.

Personally, i wouldnt want to pursue them anymore because ive been down that road once in real life and it did not end well. She said she didnt care about pronouns, which then became she didnt see me as a guy and never will, and then shes like yeah im a lesbian and i was like 😀🤙 ok yeah dope goodbye

Now i assume every person who doesnt think im a guy who is romantically interested, just wants to fetishize or is just not attracted to guys and is using me to ‘try out being a lesbian’ 😖

Im such a sad human being its not even funny, to the point that its kind of funny so i laugh at myself. Im 25 and ruined my life and my career and i have no one and the people i do have i push away. Its a lonely place to be but i keep myself here because i crave it even though its stupid miserable. I live with my parents no job college drop out dont drive im so alone and its lonely 😫😫😫😫😫😫 I DONT EVEN HAVE ANYONE TO TELL THAT IM LONELY SO JUST

GAHAHAHAHSHGSGBDNCMFMEKKDJCMCMXKDKDKD IM MCMXKCKKCKC SO DJFKDKDKKFMFMFMDMF SICK. DMDMDKDKMFNFMF OF TNKDKDKDMFNDMMFMCNC THIS JDKDLEKDNNDND SHSHJSHSJSNDMDMMCMXKDODODOODAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHJESUSCHRI ST

We spent \~3 years together, and its been \~3 years since it ended.

The ages provided are around the ages that we were, not our ages now.

It was a mess of a relationship that started off intense and really awesome, but devolved into a year or so of misery and yelling. We were both young, broken, and hurting eachother.

Its been so long, ive changed so much. I cut off contact when I broke up with her, and no part of me ever wanted to get back together.

I was filled with hurt, and I was repelled frankly. She took my happiest moments, and made it about herself and her pain. Such as a concert for a violinist on my birthday I was so excited to see and meet, but my girlfriend decided to find every reason to tank the day like the food not being good, or talking down to me saying I was incapable of finding my way out of a train station and that it was stupid of her to trust me with something so simple. She would often speed walk ahead down the sidewalk and yell back at me hurtful things in the public infront of people. She was mean to me that whole day and had no patience even for a second for me to try and change or help with the things she was upset about. Sure they were small things like which sidewalk to walk on, or which bench to sit on, but i genuinely didnt mind adjusting to her needs but even then she didnt like that. I just wanted her to be ok and happy. I get she was in pain, but It just hurt so bad. I was a bit of a doormat and believed I was actually incapable, so I stayed in the relationship to reaffirm my own negative beliefs about myself, but I wanted to grow and get better.

Its been so long.

I avoid colors still because it was her favorite.

I hope she is well as a human, but other than that I hold no feelings towards her. All I carry is the leftover pain.

Ive done SO MUCH journalling, therapy, and art to help myself get through it, process, grow as a person (I also contributed to the turmoil), and Ive think I have made a lot of progress. But why does it still have a hold on me? Not her love, because I never actually felt love, but anything that reminds me of her reminds me to never be in a relationship again.

And its true, I haven’t been in a relationship since then and I never want to be in a relationship again. Not purely from the hurt, but its more peaceful for me when Im alone. I think I genuinely have grown to prefer it.

Ive tried making new memories with colors and such, but it just wont go away. The pain helped me to learn about myself and my flaws and how to grow and become more empathetic and to love myself. Ive done years of therapy and I have become more aware and understanding of others, and I have learned to nurture my peace and to breathe deeply.

I just dont know what to do.

I know its true, but i have literally no idea HOW it works. I have mental illness and have experienced faint levels of psychosis triggered by medications and it seems weird that the brain can reach that state simply by chatting with an AI bot. Ive used chatgpt and not experienced psychosis, not to my knowledge at least, so I know its not a predictably consistent phenomena.