u/Feeling_Cat_8628

I read an apology yesterday that made me cry. I haven't cried in like two years. I don't know for sure if you wrote it, but the language and pattern sure seemed like you. It was beautiful, I literally felt a damn break. I finally felt like you figured out what I've been asking for this whole time. I also cried because I couldn't feel you anymore. I guess our special bond is now gone. It's my fault. I am awful at communication, I could have told you years ago what I needed to trust you again. But you know me, I always fuck up a good thing. I'm sorry I hurt you, that I wrote about you here, that I didn't trust you or your love. I'm sorry for everything. I know that doesn't matter to you now. That my apologies, in your eyes at least, mean about as much as used toilet paper. I guess I'm being selfish by even adding them in this. I do want to tell you while I'm still on here that I love you. That I think you are amazing. That you make me laugh and cry. You gave me piece when my own mind was trying to kill me, and for that I can never express how much I appreciated it. I know I've fucked this all up. I know how you are, you take pride in the fact that you can just shut off all your feelings for someone and walk away. I guess that's your superpower. I deserve it, I guess I am the monster you think I am. But before you walk away let me just say that I love you and will always love you. And will never stop thinking about you even when I should. Because let's face it when it comes to love I do everything wrong. I'm going to get off Reddit now. It's been the only place to contact you as you seem to hate it when I directly contact you. It's also been the scene of my worst crimes, where I have hurt you the most. I don't want to come back here. Just know that if you ever want to talk to me agian I will pickup, but all I ask is that it be direct. If I never hear or see you again just know. You make me happy C.

B.

Sorry about the length but I just need to get this out one last time. So I just had my last attempted conversation with my extreme DA Exe. She has been lurking on reddit and making posts for years. Lately, mainly getting upset at me for making posts about her. It's been a crazy couple of years. She cyber stalked me for over a year, got in contact with a girlfriend I was dating last year and was bragging about how good of friends they are here on reddit. Which was super frightening as that girlfriend was a diagnosed border line who had recently split on me and had painted me black. So basically she was hallucinating that I was out to get her and my pissed off avoidant exe is now telling her that yes I am the boogie man and the borderline is telling the DA all the things she now believes I've done to her. It's just a false memory fest all around! I don't know that for sure but I can make a pretty good assumption. What was really creepy was seeing that girl mimic my avoidant exes tone and speech while saying verbatim things that my avoidant had said to me in the past. I broke up with her two days after that night, which was a whole other saga. If you think avoidants are good at mirroring people you haven't seen anything till you watch a borderline. I was married to one for ten years and the stories I could tell you would fill a whole series of horror novels. Borderline's while good people at heart are extremely scary when they get going into the split and devaluing phase. Anyway I digress. My DA ex when we were dating had basically shattered any sense of trust I had for her and humanity. I was at an extremely low point then, I had lost my job, been evicted, was an out of control alcoholic and I was stuck living in my Mom's house with my three kids. Literally the only good thing I had going was her. It was an extremely intense relationship and we had developed an amazing bond. That's why it was so fucking shocking when she had out of the blue started another relationship with a guy and was texting elwith him setting up dates right in front of me and telling me not to worry he's just a friend as I'm protesting to her that I wasn't comfortable with this at all, and she just kept right on going like nothing I said mattered. Eventually she lied to my face and not just cheated on me but had done it in a way that my whole family saw what she did. With a moron who lived at the end of my street. No one could leave my house for three weeks without seeing her truck parked there. It really was one of the cruelest most callous things that has ever been done to me. I had dated an avoidant right before her that had also faded me out and cheated on me but at least she had the decency to not throw it in my face. I won't go into details about the aftermath and all the insanity that came after. But needless to say it was bad. And what really made it even more awful was the insulting and childish way she tried to gaslight her way out of it. To this day she has refused to admit she did anything wrong, and has demanded that I apologize to her for "emotionally abusing" her by, (gasp) trying to get her to at least acknowledge and take accountability for her actions. And for daring to actually speak the truth about what she did to me and her overall general behavior back then. Recently she started complaining that she had loved me so much when we started interacting on Reddit and that I had hurt her so bad when I questioned her actually loving me. It just seemed odd to me that she had lived for four years in a town 10 to 15 miles away and had not sent me a single text, a like or a phone call before moving to another state because of some rando she met online. When she got to said state the dude cheated on her and dumped her, and wallah suddenly I was the love of her life. In her big post she talked about how she had planned to do all these things with me and now she is going to find her right one and I blew it by being mistrustful. The whole thing is just kinda insane. Right from the start of all this Reddit stuff I'll admit I've been pretty brutal to her. Right off the bat once I figured out she was chasing me both here and on other platforms I did not hold back on putting her on blast about all of this, about her changing the story to make herself look like the hero/victim, about her failing to ever apologize, about her trying to basically come walking right back into my life with out doing a fucking thing about her past behaviors...nothing. On the flip side of this I do actually love her very much and think that if she could just figure out how to navigate conflict and repair, if she could have offered even the smallest genuine apology I would have taken her back in a heartbeat. Any indication that she understood what she did and gave even a sliver of effort to show me she wouldn't do it again I would have walked through molten lava to be with her. Instead I've gotten nothing but her constantly whining about how I hurt her while never acknowledging any of the devastation she caused me. She has the audacity to tell me after she lied and cheated that I need to change because I can't seem to control my emotions surrounding this. I have tried to talk to her directly three times through Facebook messenger, every time she has denied being on reddit while at the same time referencing things that she wrote on there. She has been condescending, suggesting I read the book art of not giving a fuck...a book that is basically avoidant porn written by a world class dick head avoidant that has traveled the world cheating on and abandoning people until he found a highly co-dependent woman willing to walk on eggshells for him. I read this book back in 2017 before I even knew what attachment theory was and thought it just didn't sounded like robotic horseshit. It basically teaches alAvoidants that it's ok to never learn how to address conflict and that it is ok to never go back and repair any relationships. And that all us secure and anxious people should just let things go. Are you fucking kidding me? She constantly complains about my trust issues while completely missing the fact that it was her direct actions that have made them this bad. She has learned not a damn thing from any of this and is right back to spouting hypocritical nonsense about others needing to change while stubbornly refusing to so much as give an apology. She also brings up how she accepted me and my flaws so why can't I accept her and her disgusting behavior. NO ONE should be accepting of the dishonesty and cheating.....ever.....full stop. As for her magic perfect person, all of us here know how that's going to end. DA's never find their perfect person because they don't actually exist and because she hasn't learned one fucking thing about appologies and how to repair she is never going to have a sucessful relationship. So my dear as you brag about the money your going to make and the trips you'll take into the sunset with your great guy, don't be shocked when the car breaks down cause you didn't repair it, the wig fly's off the mannequin you had to buy because you couldn't actually find a real live perfect personas the two of you end up having to hike back to the reality that money won't solve the loneliness. ✌️

How do you fix trust when it's been broken by promises of love and safety never kept? How do you fix a heart that has been dropped so many times that just breathing on it shatters it to dust? How do you fix a head full of broken thoughts that once made sense of the world now jumbled by chaos and uncertainty? How do you fix the eyes that have seen happiness and love washed away by so many uncountable bitter tears? How do you fix the childhood dreams when the future promised so much now long buried under failure and loss? How do you fix the ears that once listened to loving words now deaf from lies being screamed into them over and over? How do you fix happiness once in abundance now long blown away on the winds of apathy? How do you fix faith once unshakable now completely replaced by never ending waves of doubt and anxiety? How do you fix a smile that was easily shown now hidden under tight lips drawn together by a constant weight of sorrow? How do you fix something broken so many times over and over again each time by different hands that shrug and walk away never staying to help mend what their rough handling has caused, just so they can pick up the next toy? How do you fix it?

Well, I can't find the message you put on here a few days ago, so I guess I will just put my reply here and hope you find it. To start off, I am not writing this to attack you or start some weird dialogue, I just feel like answering your reply from the other day. I've been in a meloncoly mood and just feel the need to get some things out. And for the record, it wasn't years ago, it was one year. Someone trying to interfere with their exes next relationship clearly showed you still were very much feeling something. I don't doubt that you thought you loved me more than I would know, but I have to question this a bit, you had four years to talk to me. Four years to send a text, like a post something, anything, I was literally only 10 to 15 miles away, but you didn't....instead you didn't hesitate to move states with some rando you met online. It felt more like I was your second choice and your all consuming love for me didn't appear until your life got complicated and suddenly I was the love of your life. Also you are wrong about me feeling like I am unlovable or unable to love. I have never felt that way in my entire life. I do however feel immensely sad and exhausted, as I only seem to attract avoidants or people with BPD and to be quite honest I'm clearly not the person to be with either of these groups. I will also admit that I'm bad at relationships and that I guess the only version of love I seem to feel is completely unhealthy. You mentioned that I seem to be looking for someone to love me with the same intensity as you loved me. Ummm...that is not at all what I'm looking for. I do love you very much and think of you a lot, but that level of intensity that we shared was lethal, The highs you gave me were beyond what I can describe, but the lows almost killed me and have contributed to my unstable mental health. I couldn't take another round of you loving me so intensely only to have you deactivate and drop me back into another deep dark hellhole like the last time. As for me winning, winning for me wasn't about hurting you for the sake of hurting you. It was about showing you how badly you hurt me, showing you the real consequences of what you had done to me. Winning would have been hearing the words "I'm sorry I hurt you I will never do these things to you again." Winning would be hearing you use words like accountability, compromise, repair and remorse. It would have been you and I working together to actually have a real relationship with both of us growing together. To be honest I am truly sorry that I hurt you, like I said I do actually love you but, I just couldn't let you back into my life with you not even acknowledging that there had been some serious damage done. The reason you keep thinking about me even when you try not to is because there is still unfinished business between us, something still needs to be done, I don't know what it is or why, but there is still something that needs to be addressed. There is a bond that we both still feel. I knew you were thinking about me the other day, because I started to dream about you out of the blue, then I got that buzzing in my head and my heart felt like it was being squeezed, I get a weird anxiety feeling it's weird. I'm sure I just need to take more antacid or something. And as for me finding someone else, I think I'm done. I will always want you, and will dream about you. Even after you forget me. I really doubt I will find anyone else worth the effort. Till next time.

B.