u/ElectricalDivide5336

I’m in an arranged engagement and I’m struggling mentally with the relationship, especially with overthinking and emotional attachment, and I want advice from Muslims who understand these situations properly.

We are long distance in two different countries. At the beginning of the engagement, I felt a big emotional gap. I was trying to build connection, understand her, and create deeper conversations, while she was much more reserved and surface-level. Sometimes warm, sometimes distant. It made me constantly feel like something was missing.

Over time I started overthinking everything. Small behavior changes, delayed replies, missed calls, changes in tone, all started affecting me heavily. Recently after a misunderstanding and tension between us, her behavior improved a lot and she became more attentive. Instead of calming me down completely, part of me started wondering if the change was natural or only because of pressure.

After reflecting more, I realized I may have been interpreting too many things negatively because I became emotionally too attached. I miss her constantly, even after calls. Sometimes we talk and after the call ends I still feel emotionally empty or anxious. If she becomes unavailable during my free time, my mind immediately starts assuming distance or avoidance.

I work a normal 9-5 job, handle my own responsibilities after work, and the little free time I have becomes emotionally centered around her. The problem is that our schedules often don’t match, and when connection doesn’t happen during that time, it affects me more than it should.

I don’t think she’s a bad person. I also don’t have proof of betrayal or anything major. I think she’s simply less emotionally expressive and less proactive than me. But because I need clarity and consistency, the relationship feels emotionally uneven.

I’ve started realizing that part of the problem is not just her behavior, but also my attachment style and anxiety. I think I built too much of my emotional stability around this relationship.

For people who went through arranged marriages or long-distance engagements:

• How do you build emotional balance without becoming cold?
• How do you stop overthinking every inconsistency?
• How do you tell the difference between genuine concern and unhealthy attachment?
• And how do you create a healthier communication rhythm in a halal way without becoming emotionally dependent on each other?

I want advice that is realistic and Islamic, not just “leave her” or “ignore your feelings.”

I posted here recently about my arranged engagement and my concerns about my fiancée’s behavior. After going back and carefully reviewing our chats from the very beginning until now, I realized that some of my original claims were not fully accurate, so I want to correct that first.

In my previous post, I said she never initiated or showed interest from the start. That’s not completely true. In the early phase, she did message and engage, but her behavior was inconsistent. Sometimes she was playful and responsive, other times distant, short, or disengaged. So it wasn’t zero effort, but it also wasn’t stable or emotionally clear.

What I was actually feeling during that time was a gap. I was the one trying to build deeper conversation, understand her, and create emotional connection, while she mostly stayed on the surface or avoided depth. I thought maybe it was just personality difference or shyness.

Then something happened recently where I expressed doubt about a situation (I had seen something that made me uncomfortable). After that, her behavior changed very noticeably (but for a day).

She became more attentive, more responsive, more aligned with what I had been asking for before. On paper, it looks like improvement. But the problem is, it doesn’t feel natural to me. It feels like the change came suddenly after pressure, not as a natural progression.

And this is where I’m stuck.

Part of me thinks maybe she just realized things were serious and started trying more, which would be a positive thing. But another part of me feels like this behavior is forced or reactive, and that’s what’s making me uncomfortable.

I also want to be fair: I don’t have any concrete proof of wrongdoing. I’m aware that my mind might be filling in gaps because I don’t have clear explanations from her side. When I try to understand her behavior or ask deeper questions, I don’t really get structured or clear answers, which leaves me guessing.

So now I’m dealing with two conflicting thoughts:

1. She is simply inexperienced, emotionally reserved, or didn’t know how to act at the beginning, and now she’s trying.

2. The sudden change is not natural, and I’m missing something important.

What’s making it harder is that I don’t feel like I fully understand her as a person yet. Not her emotional style, not her way of thinking, and not how much of her behavior is influenced by her environment or family.

So my question now is not “is she hiding something?”

It’s this:

How do you tell the difference between genuine effort that comes late… and behavior that is only a reaction to pressure?

And if someone’s behavior changes this much after tension, how do you evaluate if it’s real and stable, or just temporary?

I’m trying to stay fair and not jump to conclusions, but I also don’t want to ignore my gut completely.

Would appreciate honest perspectives, especially from people who’ve been in similar arranged or long-distance situations.

**I'm engaged through an arranged engagement and I can't shake this gut feeling — need honest advice (not judgment)**

I got engaged recently through a traditional arranged engagement (baat paki). My fiancée lives in another country so it's long distance. I genuinely love her and I'm praying what I'm feeling is just waswasa, but I need outside perspective because this is eating me alive. I'm writing this out of respect for both families so I'll be careful with details.

**From the very beginning**

From day one she never once reached out first. No excitement, no curiosity, nothing you'd expect from someone who just got engaged. I told myself maybe she's shy, maybe she comes from a very strict family and doesn't know how these things work.

Then the patterns started. She would go cold for days with no explanation and when I asked about it she would flip it and make me feel like I was the problem. There were times I waited hours for a reply with no real reason given. Whenever I brought it up it somehow became about my behavior, not hers.

**When we met in person**

We had good moments but something felt deeply off. I felt emotionally distant from her even while sitting right next to her. What really shook me was how comfortable she was — not in a natural sweet way but in a way that did not match someone who had never been in a relationship. No nervousness, no haya, no shaking. I have close friends who told me about their first meetings with their wives — how nervous they were, how even a simple touch felt completely new to them, how they were shaking. For her none of it seemed new at all. Specific things happened that made my heart race and I kept asking myself: how does she know this? Where did she learn this? I won't go into detail out of respect but it was not normal for someone from her background and family.

**Video calls and phone behavior**

She does full face video calls with complete confidence and zero anxiety. Talking on the phone, being seen on camera, none of it causes her any discomfort. For someone from a very strict and conservative family where these things are supposed to be new and uncomfortable, this level of ease was something I could not ignore.

**The Facebook message**

Recently during a video call I noticed a message from a guy on her phone screen. I tried to stay calm and not bring it up but she heard in my voice something was wrong and she swore on me to tell her what it was. I asked about it. She explained it was her brother's old Facebook account that the family shares at home. She placed her hand on Quran and swore it was nothing. She cried all night saying I had doubted her honor and her family's honor. I apologized and we talked through it.

But I could not fully let it go.

**What happened after**

The next day she completely changed. Suddenly loving, suddenly attentive, everything I had asked for many times before. But it did not feel real. It felt like she was performing what I asked for rather than giving it from her heart. And what made it stranger was that every time before when I told her what I needed emotionally she would say she didn't know how or that I should tell her what to do — but then she would do it perfectly and naturally with zero hesitation or anxiety. That gap between "I don't know" and the perfect execution is something I keep coming back to.

**What I can't shake**

I have no proof. I want to be clear about that. I have nothing concrete. But the combination of everything — the coldness from the start, the gaslighting when I raised concerns, the physical comfort that didn't match her background, the ease on camera and calls, the Facebook message, and now the sudden overnight change in behavior — it all sits in my chest and won't leave.

I pray to Allah this is just my own anxiety and paranoia. But I also can't dismiss what I saw with my own eyes and felt in my gut.

Has anyone been through something like this in an arranged engagement or marriage? How do you have an honest conversation with your fiancée about these doubts without it turning into a family conflict when you have no proof? Any advice or perspective is appreciated.

I (25M) got engaged recently through a traditional arranged engagement. My fiancée (22F) lives in another country so it's long distance. I genuinely love her and I'm praying what I'm feeling is just waswasa, but I need outside perspective because this is eating me alive. I'm writing this out of respect for both families so I'll be careful with details.

**From the very beginning**

From day one she never once reached out first. No excitement, no curiosity, nothing you'd expect from someone who just got engaged. I told myself maybe she's shy, maybe she comes from a very strict family and doesn't know how these things work.

Then the patterns started. She would go cold for days with no explanation and when I asked about it she would flip it and make me feel like I was the problem. There were times I waited hours for a reply with no real reason given. Whenever I brought it up it somehow became about my behavior, not hers.

**When we met in person**

We had good moments but something felt deeply off. I felt emotionally distant from her even while sitting right next to her. What really shook me was how comfortable she was — not in a natural sweet way but in a way that did not match someone who had never been in a relationship. No nervousness, no haya, no shaking. I have close friends who told me about their first meetings with their wives — how nervous they were, how even a simple touch felt completely new to them, how they were shaking. For her none of it seemed new at all. Specific things happened that made my heart race and I kept asking myself: how does she know this? Where did she learn this? I won't go into detail out of respect but it was not normal for someone from her background and family.

**Video calls and phone behavior**

She does full face video calls with complete confidence and zero anxiety. Talking on the phone, being seen on camera, none of it causes her any discomfort. For someone from a very strict and conservative family where these things are supposed to be new and uncomfortable, this level of ease was something I could not ignore.

**The Facebook message**

Recently during a video call I noticed a message from a guy on her phone screen. I tried to stay calm and not bring it up but she heard in my voice something was wrong and she swore on me to tell her what it was. I asked about it. She explained it was her brother's old Facebook account that the family shares at home. She placed her hand on Quran and swore it was nothing. She cried all night saying I had doubted her honor and her family's honor. I apologized and we talked through it.

But I could not fully let it go.

**What happened after**

The next day she completely changed. Suddenly loving, suddenly attentive, everything I had asked for many times before. But it did not feel real. It felt like she was performing what I asked for rather than giving it from her heart. And what made it stranger was that every time before when I told her what I needed emotionally she would say she didn't know how or that I should tell her what to do — but then she would do it perfectly and naturally with zero hesitation or anxiety. That gap between "I don't know" and the perfect execution is something I keep coming back to.

**What I can't shake**

I have no proof. I want to be clear about that. I have nothing concrete. But the combination of everything — the coldness from the start, the gaslighting when I raised concerns, the physical comfort that didn't match her background, the ease on camera and calls, the Facebook message, and now the sudden overnight change in behavior — it all sits in my chest and won't leave.

I pray to Allah this is just my own anxiety and paranoia. But I also can't dismiss what I saw with my own eyes and felt in my gut.

Please i really need to gain access back to my Facebook account it's really important for me or at least please suggest other subreddits if possible. thank you!