Am I the red flag?
Not trying to boast at all, and I genuinely mean this in the most respectful way possible, but I’ve often been told by people around me that I’m conventionally attractive. I do occasionally get approached by guys asking for my number.
That said, I’ve been in a committed 4-year relationship with my boyfriend. We’ve already BTO-ed together, he’s met my family and friends, and everyone loves him. I love him a lot too.
For context, I’m from engineering, so naturally most of my social circles are male-dominated. Over the years, there have been two occasions where a guy from my friend group ended up liking me — once in jc and once in uni.
The thing is, I genuinely don’t think I’ve done anything wrong besides treating my friends kindly. I’m naturally someone who shows care and concern by listening to people, giving advice, checking in on them, etc. My life is relatively stable. I have a loving boyfriend, supportive family, and good friends. So I’ve always felt that the least I can do is be there for others emotionally.
However, my boyfriend feels that I’m “too nice”to guys, and that’s why they end up developing feelings for me. He’ll say things like:
“Don’t you realise it’s always you? Why not the other girls in your clique?”
And honestly, while I hate sounding arrogant, I do think physical attraction probably plays a part. But I never admitted this to my boyfriend though. If I compare myself objectively to the other girls in my clique, I do think I’m considered more attractive by conventional standards. I really don’t mean this in a boastful way.
What frustrates me is that I feel blamed for something I never intended to happen. My boyfriend calls me naive and gullible because apparently he can “tell” when a guy likes me. And to be fair, he’s been right before.
For example, there was a guy in my uni friend group who would give me morning calls to make sure I woke up for lectures. My boyfriend immediately thought it was strange and asked if the guy liked me. I defended the guy because he did similar things for other girls in the group too, and he also knew I was in a long term relationship.
Turns out, he did end up liking me.
But even then, I had already told him before that I didn’t need the morning calls because I wasn’t comfortable with it and honestly found it irritating.
At what point does being kind become “leading someone on”? Is my boyfriend justified in blaming me for these situations, or is it unfair to hold me responsible for feelings I never encouraged? Am I the red flag?