u/ConcertLazy1716

I'm feeling like a dead body after taking antidepressants

I've a school friend, last year his father passed away and he's like a brother to me so basically we knew each other's existence in school but never really talked so last year only we got close through a Art club, so we started sharing things with each other as we both have same level of emotional intelligence, and it felt like from both the sides that we've found each other in the form of brother and sister. We only used to talk about our traumas, mutual friends, and things which used to happen on a daily basis. So, he told me that he's in a relationship with a girl, and i was happy about it but later on he used to tell me about their fights, and how things are not well between them so I tried to make him understand and encouraged him to talk to her, he even wanted that girl to talk to me, so that we could've a great bonding as my friend used to respect both of us. So, basically she didn't like me, refused to meet me, and made assumptions that we both were cheating on her, she read all our chats, found nothing, they had lots of issues before i came into his life. So, a few months before he had to choose between me and her, so ofcourse he chose her, and i didn't feel bad about the decision but ofcourse i felt bad because I lost a great friend and a brother, so before he made this decision, he used to tell me about his girlfriend's assumptions, and I used to feel really bad of how she thinks of me, because around my friend, i always stood for her that she's a girl, she's emotional, it's okay. So, I was thinking of maintaining distance from him so I shared this thing with my best friend who is also from school but they aren't friends, they just know each other's existence. So, i told her about this situation to ask what I should do as in my life I mostly took my decision through emotional perspective and it hurt me alot at times and she's been my best friend for more than a decade. So I wanted to share this thing about how weird I'm feeling by ruining their relationship so she reassured me that it's not my fault and at that time i was going through this abusive relationship breakup, so I used to blame myself for everything. So our (me and that guy friend) mutuals assured me too that it's not my fault and they've lots of reasons other than you of their breakup. So, eventually they didn't work out. And my friend texted me after months and we started talking again as if nothing happened, as I was talking to him over call, he was sharing things whatever happened in his life so far, personal things too, so I never basically told anyone about the things which people tell me by trusting me, but as and when I ended that phone call, a wave of anxiety filled my body that i broke his trust by sharing that specific thing to my best friend although i never said bad thing about him, never accused him, it just I was hurt, because somebody accused me of cheating with his boyfriend. So i had this urge to confess to him, like a very very strong urge that if I'll not tell him it means I'm faking my friendship with him. And then I sent voice notes to my best friend with whom i shared this thing and asked her about the situation, she completely stopped me and told me that there's a very thin line between honesty and transparency and you should not tell him. I did these similar things in my past, i feel like I'm a fake person if I share anything about anyone if it just includes processing emotions and what I felt and what they did to me. Even one time when my abusive ex came again after months of discarding me, I told him that I said badly about him because I had this strong urge that if I won't, I'm faking this thing with him and in a relationship it should be honesty. There's this other incident when one of my ex best friends hurt me alot, by saying things which I didn't even do, she basically said about it to our mutuals and what I did, i shared it with my best friend, but a wave of anxiety came and i found myself a bad friend because I shared about her to my best friend who is not even our mutual, so i confessed to her that i talked about you. My friends without any guilt share things with me, very personal things too, behaviours of their best friend who's also my friend without my guilt. But i suffer alot because of this. For context, I was in a narcissist relationship and he manipulated me and gaslighted me for every bad thing.

I want to share something, I had lots of dreams, ambitions, I had a whole bucket list of dreams, but now it feels like I'll never be able to achieve those things, I had a traumatic past of abuse, but after meeting a guy i felt like he's the one but turned out he is a narcissist and he damaged me in such a way that i feel like I'll never recover. I'm losing my memory, my health is deteriorating day by day and it feels like my brain is completely damaged. I also committed mistakes when I was a child, a teen, and those things still haunt me because I was scared of losing people and it made me say a few lies which haunts me. I've abandonment issues because my parents' love is conditional, whenever I used to achieve something they used to show that they're proud of me but still focused on those 2 marks which I lost. Since my childhood, I was being verbally and physically abused as well as emotionally, so i always used to find love outside my home and because of which I attracted people who weren't good. One of my exes with my childhood friend cheated on me twice and plotted against me that they will be in a relationship without letting me know. I was scared, deeply scared because losing people used to feel like losing a part of me, so I lied to them that I'm having a life threatening disease and that my mom is not my real mom, so that they feel pity and not abandon me, i was around 14 ig. Like since my childhood, I used to absorb people's emotions, their problems, it felt like it was my own problem. Although i felt really really bad about it, so i confessed to my ex 2-3 years later that i lied to him. Ik where those lies were coming from and I was a kid, still I feel bad about it. after that thing, i found this guy which I mentioned above, he made me believe that he's the one for me, and i believed it, never left his side, no matter what , and initially it felt like that I'm healing but after few years of dating I saw the real side of him, a monster side, still i don't hate him but having an ick sometimes. Whatever issues I have been buried inside in all those years, after meeting this guy, it got worse and it just came around even with more intensity. I've been diagnosed with several disorders including different combinations of OCD (moral, rumination etc) and along with this i tried to overdose myself and tried to commit suicide. I feel like crying, because the person i wanted to be, the dreams, the bucket list which I always thought of Will never be completed as my health is deteriorating with each passing day, blood comes from my nose and mouth and I'm scared of the diagnosis. Ik this is only life, but how can I do that when I'm not myself, right now I'm numb, my head is cold, and i tried to Putin what I felt like sharing.

I want to share something, I had lots of dreams, ambitions, I had a whole bucket list of dreams, but now it feels like I'll never be able to achieve those things, I had a traumatic past of abuse, but after meeting a guy i felt like he's the one but turned out he is a narcissist and he damaged me in such a way that i feel like I'll never recover. I'm losing my memory, my health is deteriorating day by day and it feels like my brain is completely damaged. I also committed mistakes when I was a child, a teen, and those things still haunt me because I was scared of losing people and it made me say a few lies which haunts me. I've abandonment issues because my parents' love is conditional, whenever I used to achieve something they used to show that they're proud of me but still focused on those 2 marks which I lost. Since my childhood, I was being verbally and physically abused as well as emotionally, so i always used to find love outside my home and because of which I attracted people who weren't good. One of my exes with my childhood friend cheated on me twice and plotted against me that they will be in a relationship without letting me know. I was scared, deeply scared because losing people used to feel like losing a part of me, so I lied to them that I'm having a life threatening disease and that my mom is not my real mom, so that they feel pity and not abandon me, i was around 14 ig. Like since my childhood, I used to absorb people's emotions, their problems, it felt like it was my own problem. Although i felt really really bad about it, so i confessed to my ex 2-3 years later that i lied to him. Ik where those lies were coming from and I was a kid, still I feel bad about it. after that thing, i found this guy which I mentioned above, he made me believe that he's the one for me, and i believed it, never left his side, no matter what , and initially it felt like that I'm healing but after few years of dating I saw the real side of him, a monster side, still i don't hate him but having an ick sometimes. Whatever issues I have been buried inside in all those years, after meeting this guy, it got worse and it just came around even with more intensity. I've been diagnosed with several disorders, and along with this i tried to overdose myself and tried to commit suicide. I feel like crying, because the person i wanted to be, the dreams, the bucket list which I always thought of Will never be completed as my health is deteriorating with each passing day, blood comes from my nose and mouth and I'm scared of the diagnosis. Ik this is only life, but how can I do that when I'm not myself, right now I'm numb, my head is cold, and i tried to Putin what I felt like sharing.

I want to share something, I had lots of dreams, ambitions, I had a whole bucket list of dreams, but now it feels like I'll never be able to achieve those things, I had a traumatic past of abuse, but after meeting a guy i felt like he's the one but turned out he is a narcissist and he damaged me in such a way that i feel like I'll never recover. I'm losing my memory, my health is deteriorating day by day and it feels like my brain is completely damaged. I also committed mistakes when I was a child, a teen, and those things still haunt me because I was scared of losing people and it made me say a few lies which haunts me. I've abandonment issues because my parents' love is conditional, whenever I used to achieve something they used to show that they're proud of me but still focused on those 2 marks which I lost. Since my childhood, I was being verbally and physically abused as well as emotionally, so i always used to find love outside my home and because of which I attracted people who weren't good. One of my exes with my childhood friend cheated on me twice and plotted against me that they will be in a relationship without letting me know. I was scared, deeply scared because losing people used to feel like losing a part of me, so I lied to them that I'm having a life threatening disease and that my mom is not my real mom, so that they feel pity and not abandon me, i was around 14 ig. Like since my childhood, I used to absorb people's emotions, their problems, it felt like it was my own problem. Although i felt really really bad about it, so i confessed to my ex 2-3 years later that i lied to him. Ik where those lies were coming from and I was a kid, still I feel bad about it. after that thing, i found this guy which I mentioned above, he made me believe that he's the one for me, and i believed it, never left his side, no matter what , and initially it felt like that I'm healing but after few years of dating I saw the real side of him, a monster side, still i don't hate him but having an ick sometimes. Whatever issues I have been buried inside in all those years, after meeting this guy, it got worse and it just came around even with more intensity. I've been diagnosed with several disorders, and along with this i tried to overdose myself and tried to commit suicide. I feel like crying, because the person i wanted to be, the dreams, the bucket list which I always thought of Will never be completed as my health is deteriorating with each passing day, blood comes from my nose and mouth and I'm scared of the diagnosis. Ik this is only life, but how can I do that when I'm not myself, right now I'm numb, my head is cold, and i tried to Put in what I felt like sharing.

Like my ex was a narcissist as far as I can say and others too, but I'm scared of what if he'll do something to him, like he emotionally abused me very badly and he was the one who left me but when I was with him he used to talk shit about people, even those whom he considered his Best friend. He used to call me toxic, a cheater on my face so ofc he would've definitely said things about me behind my back even though I used to tell him everything, and was very loyal towards him. So although he left me and according to him (last time when we talked 5 months back) he said that he was in a new relationship, but somewhere i feel like it's a lie, he said to push me away as i confronted the things I got to know about him like the lies which he said to me and portrayed me the villain and other things too. So he used to say that he has anxiety and one time he mentioned that he tried to commit suicide on his trip because there the people triggered him alot, he didn't tell me anything more. So, for the first time in these years it's been happening for the first time that he kept his I'd deactivated for such a long time and what i observed is that whenever I used to deactivate my I'd, most of the time it happened, he used to deactivate his own. Like he doesn't know that I know about his other Id too, which he deactivated i think or maybe changed the username, idk. so, like I'm scared what if he's not doing well and i triggered him, and what if he does something to himself or does something that is against me. I'm holding myself responsible for this, even though he was the one who mentally fucked me up. I'm just feeling scared, and he's a covert narcissist most probably. in the past too, he broke up with me alot of times but I used to beg everytime followed by my silence and his coming back. But this time i ended things, didn't wish him new year, didn't send him other wishes too on different days, so i just ended up with a very peaceful text. Although before that, i begged him alot to give us a chance, but he was all accusing me and triggering me by saying mean things. So, I ended it on a good note that if you ever had anything for me , do not reply to this text. In the previous paragraphs I just wrote I wanted him to be happy, and That's why I was telling him to take therapy and everything else. But yeah last year it was a very bad phase for me, even in 2024, so last year i tried to commit suicide because he discarded me very badly so out of anger, or i say anxiety, i did reactive abuse and I'm very guilty about it as I'm not that kind of person, like i said vulgar words for him and indirectly to his mother around my friends when I was explaining them what all he did as I was trying to create a good image of him around them. I'm currently diagnosed with OCD, Depression and anxiety. I'm just very scared.

Like my ex was a narcissist as far as I can say and others too, but I'm scared of what if he'll do something to him, like he emotionally abused me very badly and he was the one who left me but when I was with him he used to talk shit about people, even those whom he considered his Best friend. He used to call me toxic, a cheater on my face so ofc he would've definitely said things about me behind my back even though I used to tell him everything, and was very loyal towards him. So although he left me and according to him (last time when we talked 5 months back) he said that he was in a new relationship, but somewhere i feel like it's a lie, he said to push me away as i confronted the things I got to know about him like the lies which he said to me and portrayed me the villain and other things too. So he used to say that he has anxiety and one time he mentioned that he tried to commit suicide on his trip because there the people triggered him alot, he didn't tell me anything more. So, for the first time in these years it's been happening for the first time that he kept his I'd deactivated for such a long time and what i observed is that whenever I used to deactivate my I'd, most of the time it happened, he used to deactivate his own. Like he doesn't know that I know about his other Id too, which he deactivated i think or maybe changed the username, idk. so, like I'm scared what if he's not doing well and i triggered him, and what if he does something to himself or does something that is against me. I'm holding myself responsible for this, even though he was the one who mentally fucked me up. I'm just feeling scared, and he's a covert narcissist most probably. in the past too, he broke up with me alot of times but I used to beg everytime followed by my silence and his coming back. But this time i ended things, didn't wish him new year, didn't send him other wishes too on different days, so i just ended up with a very peaceful text. Although before that, i begged him alot to give us a chance, but he was all accusing me and triggering me by saying mean things. So, I ended it on a good note that if you ever had anything for me , do not reply to this text. In the previous paragraphs I just wrote I wanted him to be happy, and That's why I was telling him to take therapy and everything else. But yeah last year it was a very bad phase for me, even in 2024, so last year i tried to commit suicide because he discarded me very badly so out of anger, or i say anxiety, i did reactive abuse and I'm very guilty about it as I'm not that kind of person, like i said vulgar words for him and indirectly to his mother around my friends when I was explaining them what all he did as I was trying to create a good image of him around them. I'm currently diagnosed with OCD, Depression and anxiety. I'm just very scared.

These fucking gaslighters, manipulators, psychopaths should rot in fucking hell. They are monsters in human flesh. Liars, fucking liars, abusers, monsters, losers.