u/BreadfruitDry6157

The past 7-8 days I have eaten alot, but I actually didn’t gain weight? Why? Will it come later??

I am a bit scared and I also feel more depressed, “heavy”, like I don’t have any energy, when I am restrictive eating I have more energy? I don’t get it?? I hate this cycle, one week I am binging, two weeks restrictive eating and so on. It’s a neverending story. I want to get better, but I also don’t.

I even saw a woman - (ok we can’t post about celebrityes bodies, but I won’t mention her name and it’s actually not about glorying a skinny celebrity!!) - I like, who put out a new song on Spotify (and you can see a short video) and her body was “normal”, like a bit of tummy (not fat), but like a woman should have!!
And she looked GORGEOUS, but when I have a normal weight I look stupid? So for me it’s the opposite, like I see healthy women and fucking envy them, because they look good and confident, Idk if I am making sense. When I was a teen I only thought skinny was the bodygoal, but now I kinda like every different type and the skinny trend coming back is just annoying to me.. but this time it isn’t only about how I look, but also about control).

Anyway, if I gained weight I would look weird and especially different places on my body.. for example atm I think my legs and thighs are big, sometimes it’s my face, sometimes I think my face is too skinny and sicklooking?? Why can I see it looks gorgeous on other women, but on me it’s weird?

Hellooo brevkassen,

Jeg er begyndt at skinpicke rigtig meget og har haft en sygeplejerske til at kigge på det, alt var fint. Nu er det dog blevet lidt værre og kan ikke stoppe mig selv.

Jeg har ADHD og autisme, igang med at blive udredt for OCD. Jeg har altid skinpicket, selv inden jeg blev medicineret og det blev IKKE værre da jeg startede på medicin! Men nu, efter 4 år (altså 4 år efter opstart af medicin) er det blevet slemt og ved godt hvad der har udløst det, har dog ikke lyst til at gå i detaljer.

Mit spørgsmål er bare, til jer der selv har stået i samme situation, hvad hjalp jer med at stoppe? Og nej fidget legetøj hjælper ikke, enten glemmer jeg at jeg har det og ellers forsvinder de. Desuden er det slet ikke det samme og jeg gør det ubevidst.

Fortæl mig hvad der virkede for jer!! Min arm ser forfærdelig ud. Help.

OBS. Jeg skal igang med noget hjælp, men jeg venter stadig på min tid og er lidt desperat. Søger ikke lægeråd eller noget, bare feks hvis I kan fortælle om I gjorde noget selv eller om det kun var behandling der hjalp? Fordi hvis I selv fandt ud af det, kom gerne med gode råd, og ja ved godt at det nødvendigvis ikke hjælper på mig, men det skader vel ikke at prøve noget selv, indtil jeg selvfølgelig får en ny tid i psykiatrien.

I am really curious!
I have both ADHD and autism and I may have OCD, and I have anxiety, which also means that I am afraid of phonecalls, especially when it’s about myself..

And I have digged so deep and I got to think what the fuck do you do if you fuck up? Like have you prepared what you’re gonna say? Because I am very much ashamed of my skinpicking. I know you will say “oh they have seen everything”, but that still doesn’t help me.

If you tried where it got acute, what did you say? I need a script to prepare if it happens to me someday (I hope it never happens to me and I am also getting help atm., but I am still waiting for me appointment)..

Sooo what would you say “hi 911, I digged too deep in a wound because well I can’t help myself”??
I know they won’t laugh, but that’s the first thing I am afraid they will do, especially because I am a grownass woman.

The last few times I was worried I sent pics to ChatGPT lol, I know that is dumb, but I have had a nurse check on them the last time I went to my doctor and finally opened up about everything. Anyway, that is long time ago.

(Again, I am not seeking medically advice, more what will you say and expect if you one day fuck up and you see that red line - can’t remember what it’s called.. that is my biggest fear!)

I don’t have OCD, but they suspect I have and also an ED. It’s a bit complicated because I also have autism and ADHD, but my autism do these routines for me and there is no anxiety attacked to it.

For example, I wake up and I have my routines so the kid’s won’t be late for kindergarten. I vacuum because I hate the feeling of sand under my socks, I can’t stand it, so I do it for ME. Where my “OCD” is out of anxiety, like I have to vacuum the same spot again and again, because what if I didn’t do it.

My OCD is “out” when my kids are put to sleep or when everyone is out for kindergarten and my bf at work. I do the same thing, but it can take like 4 hours, because I have to do it the “right” way etc. I have some other things with electrical outlet and it has nothing to do with the light, but I just have to click it the “right” way BUT I have not thoughts attacked to it like “someone will die if I don’t do it”, and as I am thankful for not having these thoughts (my brother have OCD and have the intrusive thoughts), I kinda wish I have them because I feel like an imposter.
I also have to check if the door is locked multiple times and if I do it “right” on the “wrong” number, I have to do it one more time and hope that I will do it “right” on the “right” number. Yes it makes my head less chaotic when I do these things, but only for a few seconds and then I have moved on to the next thing. When I first searched help (back in 2022?) they just said it was autism, but I didn’t go into detail until now when I first opened up about it to my contact person and she said it sounds like OCD, even tho I don’t have the “dark thoughts”, (she have worked in a psychiatric ward for 20 years) and she said she can’t give me an diagnosis, but I have to get help, which I am finally doing now.

Anyway, I really tried to leave it alone but I can’t. I have written in this subreddit before and some said it sounded like Pure OCD or just right OCD, I can’t remember, but I heard a podcast about it and the psychologist said she have never met one who only had one, like the obsessive or the compulsive, but I am pretty sure I only have the compulsive. Yes I have many thoughts but not like that! Sometimes I feel like I do all these things to not have any thoughts, and I get kinda anxious if I don’t do my rituals.

I also thought it started in my early twenties, when I moved out, but then I remember I had some things before like I had to sleep on a specific time or the “perfect” number (my made up perfect number lol) and I still have this one.. I also remember ONE time, before moving out, where I had to walk 10.000 or more steps, if I didn’t do it I got so anxious but no dark thoughts.. And I remember on one walk I had SO fucking many thoughts, and it made me crazy, I had to think them over and over again and if I forgot one of the thought (thanks ADHD lol) I had to think it again, like all over and I ended up saying them out loud lol (thank god there were no people out there, it was late), but I got scared by myself because I thought if someone saw me right now they would think I was freaking crazy. So I have had thoughts like I had to think them the right way and order, sometimes say them out loud. Even in school I had to read lines up because I couldn’t just read them, I wouldn’t get it right and U still have this. If they (kindergarten, doctor) write to us I have to be alone and read it out loud to be sure I get every detail right, byt if I don’t read it out loud the “right” way, I have to do it again and again and it’s exhausting, but again I don’t have intrusive thoughts. I feel like I am faking it, but as I began to read and hear more about OCD these “memories” popped up, like I totally blacked it out. Especially that walk. I also thought it was normal and everyone just kept it a secret hah.

But the compulsion I do I know is not rational but I can’t help myself and it wasn’t always that bad.

I have many other things I do, like with food etc. and numbers, but I never thought about it until now. Like it just who I am now, but I don’t want to be like this.

I am afraid that I would waste the psychologist time and she would think “where is the problem?” But it’s tearing me apart and if it’s only autism, then what the hell can you do?!

Sorry for the long post.

Edit: my “OCD” officially started right before I moved out, and it has been going on for 9 years now? I know many say it starts when you’re a kid, but for me nope. I remember my brother did rituals that I thought looked funny but his OCD started as a kid.

Okay really weird post, but I have had a bad relationship with food and my body since my teenage years. I have bern purging, restrictive eating and overeating. Then it went “away” for a few years (not the thoughts tho).

Now I am at my lowest weight, but for the first time getting help. They suspect an ED and also OCD, and they think it’s linked. I don’t look at skinny models like I did when I was younger and be like “woah I want that”, now it’s more about control etc.

ANYWAY, to my point (I also have AuDHD).

When I was in HS me and my old best friend (short story long lol: she was a bit “toxic” and I couldn’t have other friends than her and when I got SA at 15 she didn’t want to be my best friend anymore, she didn’t tell me this, and I didn’t see it back then, that she “ghosted” me right after. I was totally blind. She got our mutual friend to hate me too, so they ghosted me both without me knowing what I had done. I found out years later that she had been writing about me on SoMe, I remember “liking” it and then she deleted it lol, and she also wrote a “book” about me, our mutual friend sent pics of some pages and she wrote really bad stuff about me. She really saw me as an annoying attention wh…. girl, but I was just confused and fucking masking. It really made me sad reading those pages, because I always wanted to help her but I couldn’t get through to her.
Yes my ADHD ass was annoying as fuck, I was fucking annoying but not rude annoying, more like loud annoying, because that was my stims back then and my autism got fucking tired by myself lol and Idk. I never called her names like she did to me, I never talked about her behind her back; I even remember when she “ghosted” me (even tho we still went to same school) I always defended her when people asked why we weren’t friends anymore. I knew they wanted gossip and I always answered honestly and said I actually don’t know, but we aren’t mad at each other (oh I was wrong, she was mad at me?? And maybe she found it extra annoying that I acted like that, even tho I was confused as heck).

Then years later our mutual friend told me, (in our adulthood), that she was jealous of me being skinny because I could eat everything and not gain weight. I never knew that. She said she tried to get me fat, I actually remember that lol, she would always by me lots of candy and watch me eat, I just loved it because we didn’t have much money back then. But I was very active and my thoughts about body and food was up and down, so I didn’t think “oh she is trying to get me fat”, I just thought she cared about me lmao. I wasn’t focused on my body and food ALL the time, because I liked food and craved it. ALOT.

PLUS our mutual friends told me that she called me wh… and sl.. because of the r4p3?? (And I forced our murual friend to say all this, I wanted to know the details, but she was too scared to say it, because she knew and know it was wrong, so I kinda forced her and said she owed me for not being there for me back then. Yes, I said that and we’re cruelly friends to this day. It really helped me letting all this off my chest).

And well, my old best friend did all this because she liked that boy? I was really in shock, but it all made sense.. like THAT’S why she hated me? Because of that loser?? And everyone made me believe that I got myself into it, and she was apart of it, like wtf?! I don’t know if you remember the movie Easy A, but I remember I started acting like that and that I didn’t care, like kinda “owning” it so people wouldn’t talk and it kinda helped.

This was just background story on why I am calling her “toxic”, because I still feel bad for her.

To the story: When we were friends we had to find a school project and I said we have to make one about ED, I know what we can do for it! I had seen so many videos on Youtube and I was OBSESSED with them, mostly the pics and I wanted to be like them. We made it and made a pretty good grade. Anyway, some time later (I can’t remember), but when we weren’t friends anymore, she began to act weird and stuff like I said before, it was because she liked the boy I got r4p3d by and she thought I “took” him??
Then she got an ED and it got pretty bad. I always thought back in my mind that it was my fault, because we went on sites shen making tje school projects that was pretty toxic for teenagers to read, like you know those sites that doesn’t exist anymore. I said to myself we are just saying the differences between the EDs, not giving away tips.. we also talked about overeating and orthorexia and it wasn’t known back then, so I think that’s why our grade was so good (I never did well in school, only when it was stuff I was really interested in, so I was pretty proud when we got got alot of compliments from the teachers).

Do you think I caused her ED or triggered it in anyway?
She also did stuff I did, I won’t write it here because it’s kinda triggering, and I always thought “why is she copying me with that?” She just did it very publicly, whereas I tried to hide it. But I didn’t say it out loud because well we weren’t friends at that point.

I also found out through my mutual friend that she have an borderline and that’s why I can’t be mad at her, because it really makes sense with everything (and I know everyone with a borderline isn’t the same, but what I have read about it, it just made sense.. and it also made me more at peace, like I can forgive her after knowing what she is struggling with or have been struggling with).

EDIT: I meant psychologist lol, english isn’t my first language and I forgot it’s called psychologist sorry.

I have finally opened up about my struggling to eat and I said to myself, don’t lie, but I almost did it anyway.. without even wanting to. Why do I do this?

I also have other struggles, so the focus wasn’t only on my eating habits, but also my compulsions..

Anyway, for example, she asked me what overeating was for me (because I told her I still overeat even tho I mostly do restrict eating after having my tooth fixed. We talked about my past and I forgot to mention about my “puking episodes”, but it went on and off in that period of my life, so I don’t think it was relevant for her to know, Idk)..
Anyway, I “accidentally” said I just did it yesterday and she wanted me to describe what I ate. I started mentioning the food and stopped myself. I realized it was overeating for me, but maybe not for others, I won’t go into detail to trigger anyone. Anyway, I just pretended I couldn’t remember, because I had only listed one food lol, but I didn’t lie, I didn’t say the truth either tho.. why is it so hard? Like I felt kinda embarrassed and especially because I kinda know the facts and I kinda know I am rationally wrong? I see alot with ED who literally thinks we do overeat if we eat xx and xx (which is a “normal” portion of food), where I know it is not overeating, but I feel full and sick? Idk if that makes sense, but because I know this I stopped myself, because I didn’t want her to think I was stupid? But, I can’t get help if I unintentionally lie all the time tho..
She then asked if I also overate food (we or I talked about candy and sweets) and I again or I just accidentally said yes, but actually I don’t, it’s only with sweets or maybe fast food I overate??? Hmm.. but that’s food well not “good” food, you know?? She meant like dinner and so on, with my family. Often time I pretend I eat, because alot is happening around the table but I didn’t say that to her either, so is that lying? I rather eat alone and I have my rituals with my food.

Anyway, I could read in my journal that she (me) overeats by eating xx, and that is literally nothing, I was just trying to give an example, because I usually can binge alot more than that?? And now it just looks like I am dumb and think eating xx is overeating.. I just forgot that I wanted to binge yesterday, but the first food I ate made me sick, I forgot to continue and did some cleaning (I have ADHD and autism, so I forget alot, especially in very stressed periods of my life).
So now they/she thinks that I think that eating xx is alot??? Even tho I said I can’t remember the rest, did she know I lied or what?! (I know you can’t answer this either lol).

In their conclusion I could read they suspect an ED, and OCD, but they aren’t sure if it’s linked to my autism, Idk what that means?? What does that mean? It’s not like I want those diagnoses, but especially with my “OCD” I am afraid they can’t help me with that because what is it then??

She also wrote that I am good at seeing the difference between what is my autism and what is my “OCD” or my compulsions, so that’s great.

I know you can’t answer, but if anyone also have autism can you say what you THINK they mean? I know you can’t or aren’t my doctor, but I am just curious if it means it’s all my autism and the other things are just bullshit and I am actually not sick. And maybe my eating habits is normal then?? And then I can’t get help. I don’t want to be sick, but I want to get help and I know it isn’t my autism, I have really read alot about everything, hyperfocused, to be sure I am not being a dramaqueen who needs attention, I actually hate that attention. It’s not for fun I was so good at hiding it in my teenyears and then my eatinghabits had been on standby when I got my first kid, luckily for that.. but a fucking dentist operation “destroyed” it and now “it’s” back, great.

Ok sorry for this chaotic post, I just promised to give an update after my constipation post and opening up to ny doctor lmao, so here it is.