u/Boring-Roof-3227

honestly i don't fucking know. i don't know. i don't know if i have depression. how the hell am i supposed to know? so what if i take a questionnaire, i might just be answering just to get attention. i dont know. i doubt it sometimes.

i don't know because my friends would never guess, i try my best to make everyone happy, but im done. it's exhausting. just because i get good grades, doesn't mean im "set" or whatever the fuck they sell you. i have no passion in life. i want to rot in my room. every passion i have had is gone. i don't any talents. i can barely get myself to do things like clean my room.

and im so fucking ugly. wide, bulbous nose, square jaw, man body with a tummy that just doesn't go. its not "cute" when im shy because i look like a pervert. i might be one too. who knows.

no amount of sleep fufills me. hell, i would stay in bed a fucking day if i could

and honestly, the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i think of my mom. i imagine her without me and i can't help but feel so guilty. she spent so much time to raise a defect that can't do shit. my pain will only go to her, but how much more longer should i have to suffer? dragging this weight is just too heavy, so why not just cut it off? i want to be free but i feel so so guilty.

it's not a "i have so much to live for" moment because i dont. i have no future, no looks. no chance at love. i can't open up to anyone because i have no true friends that i trust enough and i know my family won't listen to me. therapy is too expensive and i feel like im making this all up and no one will believe me. saying "it gets better!" doesn't mean shit. maybe im just doing this because im so depraved of attention i dont know. i don't know.

honestly i don't fucking know. i don't know. i don't know if i have depression. how the hell am i supposed to know? so what if i take a questionnaire, i might just be answering just to get attention. i dont know. i doubt it sometimes.

i don't know because my friends would never guess, i try my best to make everyone happy, but im done. just because i get good grades, doesn't mean im "set" or whatever the fuck they sell you. i have no passion in life. i want to rot in my room. every passion i have had is gone. i don't any talents.

and im so fucking ugly. wide, bulbous nose, square jaw, man body with a tummy that just doesn't go. its not "cute" when im shy because i look like a pervert. i might be one too who knows.

and honestly, the only reason i haven't killed myself yet is because i think of my mom. i imagine her without me and i can't help but feel so guilty. my pain will only go to her, but how much more longer should i have to suffer? dragging this weight is just too heavy. i want to be free but i feel so so guilty.

it's not a "i have so much to live for" moment because i dont. i have no future, no looks. no chance at love. i can't open up to anyone because i have no true friends that i trust enough and i know my family won't lidten to me. therapy is too expensive and i feel like im making this all up and no one will believe me. maybe im just doing this because im so depraved of attention i dont know. i don't know.

as an agonistic atheist, who is ABSOLUTELY NOT interested in any sort belief of god, it has genuinely baffles me how christianity is still so heavily worshipped.

first of all, many of the foundations of christianity is built upon the suppression of women found often in their beliefs, which is one of the most upsetning parts of the entire religion for me.

"1 Timothy 2:11-12: "A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to assume authority over a man; she must be quiet"."

"1 Corinthians 14:34-35: "Women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the law says"."

"Exodus 20:17: The Ten Commandments list a wife among the possessions of a man, along with his slaves, ox, and donkey."

and there are, of course, many more, but i choose to save your time and mine by not listing them all. of course at that time period, things were different, but that doesn't excuse the fact your book of worship still revolves around that.

another thing is the constant push of "you must convert!" or "find jesus to be happy!". one of the reasons i feel so strongly about christians is because they put constant pressure to conform with their beliefs when in reality, they can't even "love thy neighbors" either.

also, why is it so difficult to reason with a christian? obviously there are some good people out there, but trying to debate with a heavy-religious christian is almost impossible.

i will bring up my beliefs and 90% of the time, their answer is "because god..." or "find god..." or "this can only be explained by god". then tell me?? then tell me how it can only be explained by god? there is no evidence of a god, or no god, so why do you feel so strongly to dismiss me of my stance. sure, i don't believe in god, but honestly, you never know.

and these are far from all the negative emotions that this religion has brought me. i will always support religious freedom, you can believe what you want to believe, but where is that same respect when it comes to people like me? being an over-religious christian is only bad when you confuse facts for feeling and fantasies. that is just my pure opinion.

thoughts?

please excuse me if this is kind of irrational because honestly im just frustrated. if you feel that im am a deeply genuinely wrong person for this and that im not a real fan for this, i think you should maybe reconsider the situation.

the people who are still spamming "enhypen is 6/7" like it’s a genuine world war is frustrating. I AM AN ENGENE TOO, enha is literally my favorite group, but isn’t this too much?

i feel like people are turning parasocial. c’mon we don’t know if heeseung leaving was his choice or not, so why are we INSISTING that it wasn’t like we know him?? some of these engenes think that when I say this, it means I hate heeseung but that’s obviously not the case??

and can we stop acting like jungwon touching his hair in a live because one comment said to do so if you want heeseung back means anything?? yes, im sure the members had to adapt, but they have stated that there are six of them now. let's respect both heeseung and enhypen, both of which who do not have to be in the same group to shine.

thoughts?