u/Beautiful-Gate3483

For years I've (26) been confidently butch, proud of it too, identifying that way made a lot of sense. The issue really comes from the fact that in my last relationship was a DV situation (literally every type of abuse occurred over the span of several years - not going into detail of it here), and my butch-ness was very tied up in it for a myriad of reasons. For example, my ex was always comparing me to other butches, I needed to be more masculine or more confident, she wished I was more like this person, that person, real butches are expected to do x, y, z for their femme. And I really internalised those expectations, and as much as this is not an inherent flaw in butchfemme dynamics, it was really leveraged against me by my ex. I also had some really, really bizarrę experiences with other lesbians in our friendship group and the way the both fetishised/idealised butch-ness but didn't respect me or my identity at all. Then, someone in person (this isn't even a touch grass issue, these things all happened within my irl community), heavily implied that DV doesn't exist in butchfemme relationships and said that they are inherently based on equality and a mutual understanding inaccessible to other dynamics. Now, obviously, this isn't true, but I felt quite disturbed and alienated by the conversation. I've also firsthand witnessed how my local community consistently defends/supports abusers over that of victims (l've never come out about my own experience for safety issues and also knowing nothing would happen). As a result, 95% of my friends are straight girls - who I love entirely but there's a lot they don't really understand.

Additionally, and this might be projection, but I also feel awkward talking about it and I feel like it immediately gets diminished because I basically look like a guy, so it's the double whammy of society thinking masculinity is abusive, and that lesbians aren't abusive. So, I'm here like, a masculine lesbian flipping the script somewhat and not fitting the image. Also, I conceded the entire local community and our friends to my ex because I just needed to get out the situation as safely as possible without causing a stir. Online, there's just too much romanticisation of lesbian relationships and butchfemme dynamics that I feel like the odd one out for my experience and in person it's exactly the. same on top of feeling actively unsafe. Whilst both my ex and I are in the same city, can't go to lesbian events unless I commute (but that doesn't guarantee that she won't also be there anyway since she can equally commute lol). And it's not currently possible for me to move cities - hopefully in a few years I can but right now it's impossible

Obviously, this is not an issue inherent in butch or femme identities but more so how it got so used against me I feel like one of the worst things about this relationship is it wrecked my sense of identity. I'm trying to get back in touch with myself but it's difficult and feel very alone. (I go to therapy also I love butches and femmes with my entire heart I'm just traumatised and confused as fuck right now)

I thought I'd grow out of this mentality by now.I've never found anyone I could talk to about this, I feel so ashamed for it. I hope maybe someone can relate or even give some advice.

The thing is, I'm masc, I've been out for 12 years, very open about my sexuality. It's not a sense of shame but like... It's just ruined my life. I can't deny that it fucked my life up majorly. I wish I could say, well at least I have a found family, queer friendships, love, community, etc. But I don't, I walked head first into an abusive relationship primarily because of internalised homophobia making me feel unlovable. The upshot of this being I'm now isolated from the lesbian community of my city because my ex and her friends are highly involved.

I hate myself for how much I wish I was straight and I'm so ashamed of it because I don't think anyone would ever expect it, I seem so confident and comfortable in my sexuality. I just wish I was born different. Whenever I've tried to talk to anyone irl about it they are very dismissive/judgmental or just don't understand at all. Surely, I can't be the only one who feels like this?? I genuiely have nothing against other queer/lesbians at all, I wish I could be happy with my sexuality. I interact with a lot of lesbian/queer media, art, politics, theory, these are all things I love.

I'm sure this is something to work through but it would be easier if I felt like someone actually understood. It's like, talking to other lgbt+ people feels offensive, and I feel like I have to keep up the image to straight people as to not let the team down or something lol.

I understand the theory, the psychology, the abuse tactics, the trauma responses. I've read about them and I understand them but it doesn't take away my shame or disgust with myself. My ex was awful, just absolutely fucking awful. I hate the memories, I hate that I still think about it, I hate that I hate myself. I wish none of it happened. I feel so dirty and pathetic and gross. Like there's a deep seated evil thing inside me I can't let anyone see. Nobody. It's disgusting, the whole thing is really sordid and obscene and disgusting and I can't deny my role in it. I don't know how to keep going.

Specifically, this idea is something that gets in the way of me opening up about traumatic things. I'm scared that if I explain something that happened my therapist will see it in their minds eye. Which I don't really want someone to think about the most degrading moment of my life but at the same time I wish someone knew, like it wasn't the biggest most shameful secret of my life.

Maybe this is a case of every therapist is different, but for me (NAT) if someone describes something I automatically see it in my mind.

I have a pet with my abusive ex, I love this animal more than anything but technically she doesn't belong to me, so I can't take her with me. How have people navigated this situation?

I've been having her a couple days a week but I'm torn between the absolute devastation that comes with losing her, and being constantly reminded of my ex who still plays mind games and manipulates me, so it's hampering my ability to heal. We broke up a year ago now and my ex is getting more manipulative, not less, so I don't know what to do. He doesn't have any actual control over me but it still brings a lot up.