u/AirlineDear8876

I’m 22F and I feel like my entire perception of my family is breaking apart and I honestly don’t know what’s real anymore.

For my entire life, I viewed my dad as the abusive/narcissistic parent and my mom as the victim/safe parent. My dad is the stereotypical obvious version: emotionally abusive, explosive, arrogant, manipulative, controlling, unfaithful, heavy drinker, creates chaos constantly, etc. Everyone in the house revolved around his moods.

Because of that, I automatically saw my mom as the “good” parent, the victim, and emotionally attached myself to her very deeply. I felt responsible for protecting her emotionally from my dad, which forced me to become her therapist from a very young age.

Every day was conversations about my father, the marriage, the affairs, the divorce, her pain, her suffering, her emotions, her stress, her fears, her loneliness, and her anger. I knew way too much about her relationship problems as a teenager. I became the mediator, emotional support system, and person she unloaded onto every single day.

At the time I thought this meant we were “close. Now I’m starting to realize I may have been emotionally enmeshed and parentified. Recently I started learning about covert vs overt narcissistic dynamics and emotionally immature family systems, and it completely messed with my head because my parents suddenly started making sense in a way that’s terrifying. The covert-overt dynamic fits my parents down to every single detail.

My dad is the loud, obvious, overt type. Everything revolves around him through dominance, intimidation, anger, ego, and chaos.

My mom is completely different. She presents as wounded, self-sacrificing, abandoned, misunderstood, helpless, overwhelmed, and constantly hurt by other people. But now I’m realizing that emotionally, everything also revolved around her too, just through guilt, emotional dependency, and the victim role instead of aggression.

The thing that’s destroying me emotionally is that I genuinely believe she was hurt by my dad. I’m not denying her pain or saying she deserved any of it. But I’m starting to wonder if she also unconsciously kept me emotionally attached to her through that pain.

I feel horrible even typing that.

But I’m realizing:

• I feel guilty for wanting independence.
• She reacts strongly when I try to move out or create boundaries.
• I feel responsible for her emotions constantly.
• I’ve spent years suppressing my own feelings to take care of hers.
• She rarely seemed emotionally curious about ME unless it connected back to her fears or distress.
• If I pull away emotionally, she becomes hurt, withdrawn, guilt-inducing, or acts abandoned.
• I’ve felt more like an emotional partner/confidante than a daughter at times.

Now I feel like my brain is exploding because my entire identity was built around protecting my mother emotionally from my father. And now I’m questioning whether I was emotionally consumed by both of them in different ways.

I feel brainwashed honestly. I don’t know what healthy attachment even looks like anymore. I keep replaying my childhood trying to figure out what was genuine love, what was survival, what was manipulation, and whether I’m overanalyzing everything because I’m extremely overwhelmed by the weight of their divorce.

Has anyone else gone through the experience of realizing the “safe parent” may not have actually been emotionally safe either, just in a much quieter and more covert way? How did you process it without spiralling the way I am right now?

I (21F) am graduating university this june with a honours psychology degree, starting a full time job next week, and applying to medical school this summer. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I take my education and future seriously.

For context, my home environment has been very difficult for years. My dad is an alcoholic, abusive narcissist, has had multiple affairs, there are frequent arguments in the house that can escalate unpredictably, and my parents are divorcing (which I have gotten stuck in the middle of). There have been nights where he’s come home drunk in the middle of the night yelling, which turned into intense fights where I thought my neighbours would hear and call the cops. One night, I had to comfort both my mom and my younger brother for 2 hours after a 2am argument while holding in my own emotions, and then went to my room and cried alone to sleep. Situations like that aren’t isolated and happen often.

Because of this, I’ve taken on the role of the “therapist”, mediator, and responsible one in my family. My mom vents to me regularly about her divorce and personal issues, and I often feel responsible for keeping things calm. At the same time, when I try to express how this environment affects me or other stressors in my life, I’m often dismissed or told not to stress.

Over the past year, I also went through a serious medical crisis that completely changed my outlook on life. I was dealing with a rare illness that disrupted my daily life and left me constantly anxious about my own wellbeing. It reached a point where I genuinely feared for my life and didn’t know if I would make it. Even now, I live with the anxiety that my condition could flare up again at any time. That experience changed my perspective and made me realize how important it is to live in a stable, peaceful environment and to actually enjoy my life.

I’ve wanted to move out since I was around 15. I tried to live on campus or with my grandmother during university but couldn’t afford it at the time. Now that I’m graduating and starting to earn money, I feel like it’s finally the right time.

I’ve been dating my fiancé (21M) for a while and he proposed 3 weeks ago. This is my third relationship (my only engagement), and it’s the first relationship I would describe as genuinely healthy, stable, supportive, loving, and healing. We communicate well, resolve conflict calmly, have the same plans and goals for the future, treat each other with the utmost respect, and he has been very supportive, especially during my health struggles. I want to be clear that I have no intention of disrupting my education or my path toward becoming a doctor.

We’ve also gone over the logistics in detail, including:

• rent and splitting bills
• utilities and monthly expenses
• groceries and transportation
• budgeting overall
• cooking, cleaning, etc

We’re trying to approach this responsibly and realistically.

When we got engaged, people in our lives reacted positively. Friends and others congratulated us, and some even gave small gifts. However, my mom was the only person who reacted negatively. She didn’t congratulate me and instead became upset, insulted my fiancé behind his back, and told me that I was ruining my life and going to be miserable. My fiancé’s parents were so kind and supportive, and when they heard how my mom reacted, they said they felt extremely bad for me and ended up comforting me and congratulating me in the way my mom should have.

When I brought up the idea of moving out and possibly living together this summer, my mom immediately shut it down. She said things like:

• “You’re not thinking, it’s clearer than ever now”
• “You’re not being sensible.”
• “That’s not happening. I’m not entertaining this idea.”
• “He’s putting ideas in your head and influencing you.”
• “You’re going to ruin your life.”
• ”What happened to you saying you were going to live with me”

She also said that as my mom, she’s allowed to say no, even though I’m 21.

I tried explaining my reasoning: my job at a medical clinic, my plans for med school, how long I’ve wanted independence, and how difficult living at home has been, but she didn’t engage with any of it and kept dismissing my perspective. She also made negative assumptions about my fiancé and insulted him by basically saying that he was brainwashing me and ruining my life.

At the same time, my family makes comments about how much time I spend with him and questions my independence, even though I’ve always been responsible, don’t party, and focus on school and work. I’ve always been the perfect, quiet, shy, eldest daughter who studies, doesn’t have friends, never gets into trouble, doesn’t go out, etc.

I understand my mom is going through a divorce and may have fears based on her own experiences, but the way she speaks to me feels invalidating and controlling. It doesn’t feel like advice or genuine care coming from anxiety anymore, it just feels like control.

I feel guilty because I know she’s struggling, but I also feel like I’m finally at a point where I need to build a stable and healthy life for myself.

So is it wrong for wanting to move out and start my own life, even if it upsets my mom?

Edit: I forgot to mention that when I say I am engaged, it will be a long engagement, as I don’t intend on getting married for another 8 years (when I’m done with residency). At least if I ever, god forbid, get critically and severely ill again, I will feel happy and at peace knowing that I finally met a man who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and gave me a ring to honour his commitment and love for me. So this engagement really only changes our relationship status from dating to engaged (and added a ring) :)

I (21F) am graduating university this june with a honours psychology degree, starting a full time job next week, and applying to medical school this summer. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I take my education and future seriously.

For context, my home environment has been very difficult for years. My dad is an narcissist, alcoholic, has had multiple affairs, there are frequent arguments in the house that can escalate unpredictably, and my parents are divorcing (which I have gotten stuck in the middle of). There have been nights where he’s come home drunk in the middle of the night yelling, which turned into intense fights where I thought my neighbours would hear and call the cops. One night, I had to comfort both my mom and my younger brother for 2 hours after a 2am argument while holding in my own emotions, and then went to my room and cried alone to sleep. Situations like that aren’t isolated and happen often.

Because of this, I’ve taken on the role of the “therapist”, mediator, and responsible one in my family. My mom vents to me regularly about her divorce and personal issues, and I often feel responsible for keeping things calm. At the same time, when I try to express how this environment affects me or other stressors in my life, I’m often dismissed or told not to stress.

Over the past year, I also went through a serious health issue that deeply affected me. I was dealing with a rare illness that disrupted my daily life and left me constantly anxious about my own wellbeing. It reached a point where I genuinely feared for my life. Even now, I live with the anxiety that my condition could flare up again at any time. That experience changed my perspective and made me realize how important it is to live in a stable, peaceful environment and to actually enjoy my life.

I’ve wanted to move out since I was around 16. I tried to live on campus or with my grandmother during university but couldn’t afford it at the time. Now that I’m graduating and starting to earn money, I feel like it’s finally the right time.

I’ve been dating my fiancé (21M) for a while and he proposed 3 weeks ago. This is my third relationship (my only engagement), and it’s the first relationship I would describe as genuinely healthy, stable, supportive, loving, and healing. We communicate well, resolve conflict calmly, have the same plans and goals for the future, treat each other with the utmost respect, and he has been very supportive, especially during my health struggles. I want to be clear that I have no intention of disrupting my education or my path toward becoming a doctor.

We’ve also gone over the logistics in detail, including:

• rent and splitting bills
• utilities and monthly expenses
• groceries and transportation
• budgeting overall

We’re trying to approach this responsibly and realistically.

When we got engaged, people in our lives reacted positively. Friends and others congratulated us, and some even gave small gifts. However, my mom was the only person who reacted negatively. She didn’t congratulate me and instead became upset, insulted my fiancé behind his back, and told me that I was ruining my life and going to be miserable. My fiancé’s parents were so kind and supportive, and when they heard how my mom reacted, they said they felt extremely bad for me and ended up comforting me and congratulating me in the way my mom should have.

When I brought up the idea of moving out and possibly living together this summer, my mom immediately shut it down. She said things like:

• “You’re not thinking, it’s clearer than ever now”
• “You’re not being sensible.”
• “That’s not happening. I’m not entertaining this idea”
• “He’s putting ideas in your head and influencing you.”
• “You’re going to ruin your life.”

She also said that as my mom, she’s allowed to say no, even though I’m 21.

I tried explaining my reasoning: my job at a medical clinic, my plans for med school, how long I’ve wanted independence, and how difficult living at home has been, but she didn’t engage with any of it and kept dismissing my perspective. She also made negative assumptions about my fiancé and insulted him by basically saying that he was brainwashing me and ruining my life.

At the same time, my family makes comments about how much time I spend with him and questions my independence, even though I’ve always been responsible, don’t party, and focus on school and work. I’ve always been the perfect, quiet, shy, eldest daughter who studies, doesn’t have friends, never gets into trouble, doesn’t go out, etc.

I understand my mom is going through a divorce and may have fears based on her own experiences, but the way she speaks to me feels invalidating and controlling.

I feel guilty because I know she’s struggling, but I also feel like I’m finally at a point where I need to build a stable and healthy life for myself.

So AITAH for wanting to move out and start my own life, even if it upsets my mom?

Edit: I forgot to mention that when I say I am engaged, it will be a long engagement, as I don’t intend on getting married for another 8 years (when I’m done with residency). At least if I ever, god forbid, get critically and severely ill again, I will feel happy and at peace knowing that I finally met a man who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and gave me a ring to honour his commitment and love for me. So this engagement really only changes our relationship status from dating to engaged, and added a ring. Also, I forgot to mention me and my fiancé use more than 1 birth control method to have an extremely low risk of unplanned pregnancy! We don’t desire nor intend on having children anytime soon, not at least until I’m 31 and when we’re both fully established in our careers.

I (21F) am graduating university this june with a honours psychology degree, starting a full time job next week, and applying to medical school this summer. I’ve worked really hard to get to this point and I take my education and future seriously.

For context, my home environment has been very difficult for years. My dad is an alcoholic, has had multiple affairs, there are frequent arguments in the house that can escalate unpredictably, and my parents are divorcing (which I have gotten stuck in the middle of). There have been nights where he’s come home drunk in the middle of the night yelling, which turned into intense fights where I thought my neighbours would hear and call the cops. One night, I had to comfort both my mom and my younger brother for 2 hours after a 2am argument while holding in my own emotions, and then went to my room and cried alone to sleep. Situations like that aren’t isolated and happen often.

Because of this, I’ve taken on the role of the “therapist”, mediator, and responsible one in my family. My mom vents to me regularly about her divorce and personal issues, and I often feel responsible for keeping things calm. At the same time, when I try to express how this environment affects me or other stressors in my life, I’m often dismissed or told not to stress.

Over the past year, I also went through a serious health issue that deeply affected me. I was dealing with a rare illness that disrupted my daily life and left me constantly anxious about my own wellbeing. It reached a point where I genuinely feared for my life. Even now, I live with the anxiety that my condition could flare up again at any time. That experience changed my perspective and made me realize how important it is to live in a stable, peaceful environment and to actually enjoy my life.

I’ve wanted to move out since I was around 16. I tried to live on campus or with my grandmother during university but couldn’t afford it at the time. Now that I’m graduating and starting to earn money, I feel like it’s finally the right time.

I’ve been dating my fiancé (21M) for a while and he proposed 3 weeks ago. This is my third relationship (my only engagement), and it’s the first relationship I would describe as genuinely healthy, stable, supportive, loving, and healing. We communicate well, resolve conflict calmly, have the same plans and goals for the future, treat each other with the utmost respect, and he has been very supportive, especially during my health struggles. I want to be clear that I have no intention of disrupting my education or my path toward becoming a doctor.

We’ve also gone over the logistics in detail, including:

• rent and splitting bills
• utilities and monthly expenses
• groceries and transportation
• budgeting overall

We’re trying to approach this responsibly and realistically.

When we got engaged, people in our lives reacted positively. Friends and others congratulated us, and some even gave small gifts. However, my mom was the only person who reacted negatively. She didn’t congratulate me and instead became upset, insulted my fiancé behind his back, and told me that I was ruining my life and going to be miserable. My fiancé’s parents were so kind and supportive, and when they heard how my mom reacted, they said they felt extremely bad for me and ended up comforting me and congratulating me in the way my mom should have.

When I brought up the idea of moving out and possibly living together this summer, my mom immediately shut it down. She said things like:

• “You’re not thinking, it’s clearer than ever now”
• “You’re not being sensible.”
• “That’s not happening. I’m not entertaining this idea”
• “He’s putting ideas in your head and influencing you.”
• “You’re going to ruin your life.”

She also said that as my mom, she’s allowed to say no, even though I’m 21.

I tried explaining my reasoning: my job at a medical clinic, my plans for med school, how long I’ve wanted independence, and how difficult living at home has been, but she didn’t engage with any of it and kept dismissing my perspective. She also made negative assumptions about my fiancé and insulted him by basically saying that he was brainwashing me and ruining my life.

At the same time, my family makes comments about how much time I spend with him and questions my independence, even though I’ve always been responsible, don’t party, and focus on school and work. I’ve always been the perfect, quiet, shy, eldest daughter who studies, doesn’t have friends, never gets into trouble, doesn’t go out, etc.

I understand my mom is going through a divorce and may have fears based on her own experiences, but the way she speaks to me feels invalidating and controlling.

I feel guilty because I know she’s struggling, but I also feel like I’m finally at a point where I need to build a stable and healthy life for myself.

So AITAH for wanting to move out and start my own life, even if it upsets my mom?

Edit: I forgot to mention that when I say I am engaged, it will be a long engagement, as I don’t intend on getting married for another 8 years (when I’m done with residency). At least if I ever, god forbid, get critically and severely ill again, I will feel happy and at peace knowing that I finally met a man who loves me enough to want to spend the rest of his life with me and gave me a ring to honour his commitment and love for me. So this engagement really only changes our relationship status from dating to engaged, and added a ring. Also, a lot of you were worried about unplanned pregnancy, and I forgot to mention me and my fiancé use more than 1 birth control method to have an extremely low risk of unplanned pregnancy! We don’t desire nor intend on having children anytime soon, not at least until I’m 31 and when we’re both fully established in our careers.

Thank you all for so much of your support and advice, I went from feeling like a terrible daughter to now feeling like I actually have a chance to start a new chapter in my life!