u/666nbnici

I had really bad depression anxiety panic attacks and wouldn’t leave my apartment for a month only leave once for like sth important and then stay inside again for a month.
I would constantly get panic attacks outside inter public transport, supermarket.

Had really bad iron levels as well as B12 which I think was also the cause for the derealization and depersonalization.
Definitely got better after treating that and I worked in therapy on regularly going out and I take meds.

So now 3 years later I was fine with going to the supermarket, or using public transport and I haven’t had a panic attack in quite some time.

Now I started to notice I can’t get out of my apartment, feeling unmotivated and depressed again and no energy even when I take Ritalin I’m not really getting out of my bed.

Turns out my iron is low again. So I hope I can get an infusion and can hopefully more easily go outside

My therapist tries to get to the bottom of the believe I have.
Or be like people won’t even notice or think about that it’s very unrealistic.

I f.ex worry about being dirty, smelling looking unkempt and then she’ll ask why I’m worried about what the other people would think of me? Or what do I think they’ll think about me

And often times I don’t really know because that’s not really how those thoughts of me work it’s more like my brain persistently telling me you smell, or I feel sth I stepped on like a pebble and my brain will be like you stepped in shit, everyone can smell you, you are leaving a trace of shit
And if I think about looking at my shoe sole my brain is like now everyone for sure knows you have shit on your shoes
Or at home before I leave I have to look if there’s any stains on me or if for some reason underwear is sticking to my back and so I go to the mirror and check and will repeat this
And as soon as I’m outside my brain tells me you have underwear sticking to your back and it’s just kind of repeating it

So sometimes idk if her approach is helping me ? I know my thoughts are irrational and often not more than people will see or judge me for it is coming up in my thoughts

I regularly get nightmares about family members finding toys or me getting caught masturbating.

I’m 26 and have been living on my own for over 5 years now. Even at home I’m worried someone could see me through the window and hide my toys.
I also used to get worried people outside knew I masturbated or could „smell“ it so I always shower thoroughly.

Idk if it’s just from when I still lived at home and you had to be cautious? Sometimes it would happen that someone came in and I had to try and hide it.

I’ve noticed how especially now after burnout and during it I just am so much worse at socializing as well as feeling part of sth.

I just more and more struggle to actually get a connection with people. I feel like such an alien
And I feel even more hemmed to be myself and it’s harder to even know what myself is.

I often was anxious to go to things I got invited to but now when I finally get over the anxiety and go to the party, birthday etc I just have no fun, I struggle to integrate in the group, I feel like I just say weird things and I’m not bubbly and fun enough, too serious

It’s easier if it’s sth where everyone is a stranger like going to a language course overseas.

I feel like when I wasn’t aware of so many things and was just so much more myself I connected easier with so many people or just had a fun time
Now I just notice how some people are so obviously allistic and we are so different and I just wanna leave

I’m someone who will say sth just how it was like ah the birds were chirping so loud. Which to me is just a neutral statement but then it’s taken as negative and like oh how horrible it’s a beautiful day and boohoo the birds are chirping loud

Or I notice that it’s getting cloudy and I say oh no the sun is going away so again it’s negative

A cultural thing is complaining it’s very normal and I do like it to me it’s often like just neutral letting it out but not being in a horrible mood or whatever just saying it and then it’s like done.

I get that it can be tiring for other people or especially if you aren’t like that you think it’s too negative but I just feel like I can’t even say what’s on my mind because it’s taken badly and then you won’t like to be around me.

I often just say what’s currently happening but with no bad intention

On the other hand I do sometimes get annoyed when people are constantly just positive and everything is so great and sooo exciting so perfect
Like every little thing obv it’s great that people are just happy but then I feel like it’s inauthentic like some things are neither great or bad just neutral
Maybe it’s just that people experience and see life different
But I start to feel bad because I don’t have that much fun and I don’t think it’s that great and I feel like there’s no place for me then

Trying to get new ideas.
I live on my own but even tho I don’t work or study I still can’t do the household chores I struggle daily with making food and things like brushing my teeth. (I’m level 1)

It’s also kind of a vicious cycle. Because I don’t do the dishes or clean my kitchen I currently can’t use it to cook, then I start to not have anything to put my food on, so I’ll either wash one plate, skip the meal or use a paper towel or like a piece of cardboard.

Or not having done laundry for at least 2 months so I have a huge pile of dirty clothing but also piles of clean clothes and so it takes me longer to find sth to put on and then obv a lot of clothing isn’t clean so I struggle to find a pair of underwear or again I’ll wash one the day before I need it or on the day and blow dry it.

I know it’s important to reduce everything to the least amount of steps and make it as easy as possible.
I’m planning to start ordering my groceries again, so I can get it delivered and don’t need to go out.
I do my laundry in small loads so it’s less to hang up and I use a chair so I can do it sitting down which helps me.

Is there a way to help with the problem of switching tasks ? F.ex. I think it’s really exhausting having to go outside to go to the post office then go home having to do just dishes and then having an appointment somewhere else again. As of now the best thing was doing all the outside duties possibly only on one day like going to the post office then getting groceries and then going to the pharmacy and nothing else on that day.

TLDR: no desire to go outside anymore, not liking being perceived, too aware of everything like bodily sensations, outside causing overstimulation due to wind, sun, noise, busy environment etc.

I used to get out more but now I just have no desire at all. I think it’s just too much effort and causes much more stress so it’s kind of not worth it ?

It’s such a big resistance to get out even if it’s like a 5 minute walk to bring sth to the post office. It means that I have to get ready put on clothes but also find clothes that feel comfortable, looking presentable or otherwise I get intrusive thoughts about what the people think about me, being perceived, having to deal with whatever weather it is, getting anxiety or panic having to talk with the person at the post office being completely exhausted when I’m home again and having to take a shower because my heart started racing and I started sweating and I hate that feeling and feel disgusting after.

That is only after being out for like 15 minutes.

Noise cancelling does help me not get too overwhelmed with my headphones but idk I can’t even go for a walk because being outside is always stressful whether it’s because I don’t feel comfortable in my clothes that day and everything feels wrong about it or I’m being perceived and every time someone walks towards me it stresses me out.

Or it’s too windy and it constantly blows my hair in my face or opens my jacket and everything is constantly moving, or it’s sunny and my eyes hurt, I get hot too quickly and I get a headache

And so on

I feel like I’m just way too aware of everything, I always notice any slight sensation, if the wind moves my fine arm hair I notice etc. if I feel like I’m about to sweat i can feel my skin get tingly

I do not necessarily feel bad about not going out I feel good at home and can to a lot of things from my bed but at the same time I’m cautious because I used to have times where I wouldn’t leave my apartment for a month then only go out to go to the post office or supermarket because it was inevitable and then not leave again for a month used to get panic attacks every time I left and had really bad anxiety so I know that avoiding can worsen it.