r/trans

I apologize for a long post.

Hello. I'm asking you for help. My trans friend went study to another country a longer time ago. We've been occasionally in touch, she was able to continue her transition there, but texted me she's very exhausted because of school and she doesn't really have any energy to respond. I used to occasionally text her with my life updates and added "you don't have to respond, just like this message so I know you're alright".. she always liked it and I knew she just doesn't have energy to respond and respected it.

Always when she returned to our country for holidays, we scheduled a meeting and the last one happened in January 2025. We made a deal she'd let me know when she comes back for summer holiday and we were supposed to meet again. Since the January meeting, she stopped responding to my messages, she hasn't even seen them.

I've been trying to reach her for the past year - without any result. I've tried emails, sms, calls, whatsapp regularly in the past year. We didn't get into any argument and I'm sure she isn't the type of a friend who would completely ghost me for more than a year.

When I tried to call her on several different days and times, nobody picked up (she knew that I call only in extremely serious situations because of my insane call anxiety and promised she'd always call back)...

None of our friends have heard from her. I don't have any contact for her family. She doesn't have any social media.

I've been seriously worried for her safety the whole time. I can't contact police, because

1. I don't know what's her current or previous legal name (as she was extremely dysphoric about it and she couldn't choose her preferred name due to our country's legislation, so she didn't want to tell me her legal name, which I respected)

2. police and laws in our country are extremely transphobic

I tried to ask for help on a different sub-reddit of the city where she was supposed to study, but it got removed and mods told me to just contact the police. I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Is there anything else I can do?

It's so annoying. I'm 15 trans man and almost fully diagnosed and almost going on t. whenever I do something wrong they threaten to stop my transition and go back to deadnaming and missgendering me (while saying that they say my deadname, like "you better stop doing that or we will start calling you (deadname) again." "you'll be (deadname) to me again") and I will be able to transition when I'm 18.

I just wish they'd threaten to take my phone for a month or something...

Edit:

The most recent situations that this happened were:

my father was trying to test me in math and I told him I'm not good with math when I can't see the question and he started raising his voice so I told him to leave me alone because I don't want to take this stupid test (I don't know got to translate it well, I said "Dobra, zostaw mnie, nie chce robić tego głupiego testu") and he started yelling and telling me I'm a whipster (I think that's how to say it) and a brat and I should go to my room immediately (in a vulgar way) so then I told him that he's not acting normally to what he responded that if I talk to him like that again I'll not be going to the hospital to get me tested before going on testosterone.

The day after that my mother told me to get groceries from downstairs so I went there leaving the door open to be able to just walk back in with the groceries, I got them and it was hard to even lift them up, but I carried them up the stairs and halfway through I heard the door close. I knocked on it a few times and my arms started hurting, the my mother opened the door and I asked "what genius closed that door" In a loose, playful tone (It would've been taken as a joke in most of the previous interactions I had with them so I figured that it wouldn't be an issue for me to say that) and they told me to think about what I'm saying and got very angry, I asked them what's wrong with them lately and they only escalated the conflict telling me that im not going anywhere on 4th May (the day I was supposed to go get everything checked) I snorted, which was really more of a sudden exhale of helplessness, and my mother started yelling that I'm disrespectful and I'm laughing as soon as she leaves the room and I must apologise to her.

As I said, usually they are just kind and accepting but moments like this make me question everything I know about them...

The phrase when translated to English is close to Woman At Heart. A term used by trans women in Japan to mean trans woman, heart here in reference to one's very soul or their essence in other words.

it's a vague title because I'm really embarrassed about this. Pre-HRT trans girl here, but I should eventually get it by the end of this year or the start of next year, and from my friends I've heard 2 specific things.

1: HRT can completely nuke your sex drive.
2: HRT can also make your junk really small.

#1 is fine by me, but due to some unfortunate medical stuff in my life that required surgery, I am absolutely terrified of things changing down there. so the idea that it could become smaller is extremely paranoia-inducing.
I've heard that if it's not "used" it'll get smaller, but is that just.. a permanent thing? do I gotta deal with that and just have it constantly getting smaller and smaller for every day I don't do things with it? is that my only option? if I stopped taking the HRT, would it bring it back to it's old size? I mean, I wouldn't mind a reduced sex drive, but I wouldn't like the shrinking to happen.

..also, if this isn't the right place to ask, or if this breaks any rules, I am really sorry, and I'll try to find somewhere else to ask this question.

A mastectomy is the most common operation among transmasc people. You could say it's a top surgery.

Now before you get mad I AM trans I have known for 8 years and have been out for 6

I’ve been talking to this guy (romantically) for a very long while now and he’s ftm aswell- he wouldn’t care if I’m trans or not but I’ve lied about it for so long I think he’d be offended to find out I lied..

He’s gunna find out eventually I just know it but idk how to tell him..

I’ve listened to him rant abt the dysphoria he gets FROM ME???? I’ve somehow convinced him I’m just a very feminine guy..

I even slipped up one time talking about a pregnancy scare and he still thinks I’m cis?? Idk

Maybe he knows and is just pretending but like..

Why would he be texting about how jealous he is of me… it doesn’t make sense but I feel so bad

Idk what to do I feel like an asshole

It’s been almost 6 months since I had my bottom surgery and my doctor gave me to all-clear to stay having sex again.

But since my surgery, my desires for sex is nonexistent. I don’t want it, I don’t crave it and it’s the last thing ever on my mind. And if any of you knew me before my transition, that was NEVER the case as I was horny all the time.

I’m worried. My wife is 11-years younger than me and she’s in the mood all the time. She incredibly attractive and my attraction to her has not changed, but I just don’t want sex.

Please tell me I’m not alone in this…

I keep seeing posts from people saying some version of "I want to transition, but I can't because of X, Y, Z." I get it. Transition is hard. It is scary. It is expensive. Sometimes it really does feel impossible.

But a lot of the time, what people are describing is not impossibility. It is fear, being overwhelmed, and the fact that transition asks a lot from you. That is real. I am not minimizing it. However, you cannot let fear get the final say over your life.

If you want to transition, you need to be brave and start your journey NOW.

I transitioned in high school in the mid 2000s. My family was not supportive. My step dad kicked me out over it and I was homeless at 16. I had to figure out work, housing, and survival while transitioning in a time when there were way fewer resources than there are now. It was hard. It was still worth it, because I got to live as myself.

Transition is often hard, but not being yourself is harder.

You do not need to have every detail solved before you begin. Usually you begin, then solve the next problem, then the next one after that. That is how a lot of real transitions happen. Even the easiest transitions encounter hardship. You just have to keep moving forward instead of waiting for the perfect moment that will never come.

• If you're not sure you're trans: stop trying to solve it only in your own head. Get into therapy if you can, journal seriously, talk to other trans people, start sorting it out in a real way. Not five more years of doomscrolling. Actual movement.
• If you know you're trans: start taking real steps now. Research HRT. Find a therapist. Come out to one safe person. Change your clothes. Practice your voice. Pick a name. Save money. Do something that moves your life forward instead of just daydreaming about a different future.
• If your family is unsupportive: start building your exit plan. If you're old enough, work toward getting out. If you're not, start preparing now so you can leave when you can. You do not owe your entire life to people who only love a version of you that is not real. I've cut out the majority of my family because they didn't support my transition, and I have no regrets about it. You can still have a good life without them. You just have to be willing to let go of the idea that you need them.
• If money is the issue: then you need a plan, not surrender. Get a job. Cut costs where you can. Look for clinics, mutual aid, local groups, whatever resources exist near you. There are more resources now than there used to be. Being broke is a problem to work around, not a reason to stop or delay your transition.
• If you think you're too old: you're not. Seriously, you're not. The majority of people start later and still build a life they actually want.
• If you think you'll never pass: maybe you won't for a while. Maybe not in the way you imagine. That does not mean your life is over. I did not pass for a long time either, but being myself around people who accepted me was still infinitely better than pretending to be someone else. You can still build a good life by simply being yourself.

I have the privilege of passing now and have been living stealth for a long time, and I'm grateful for that. But my life did not begin the day I started passing. My life began the day I decided to stop living as someone else and start living as myself. That was the day I started my transition, even though it was messy, hard, and scary. It was still the best decision I ever made, and it is the one I would make again if I had to do it all over.

You are not alone. There are people out there who will support you, love you, and make room for the real you. You may have to go find them, but they do exist.

Yes, some people have genuinely impossible situations right now, but the vast majority of people who say they can't transition are actually just scared, overwhelmed, or stuck in the idea that they need to have everything figured out before they can start. That is not how it works. You start, then figure out the next step, then the next one after that.

Pick one thing today that moves you closer to yourself and do it. Not your whole transition. Just one thing. Then do the next thing after that. That is how people actually get there.

Over the course of my transition I have drifted away from the trans community. Early on I was very involved in support groups, etc, but as time went on and I achieved transition milestones, I drifted away because it no longer was the main focus of my life. With all the awful things that are happening to us right now across the world I'm trying to get involved again. I'm sorry that I drifted away. I'm here now, hopefully I can be helpful to some of you.

If you need help brainstorming next steps, I'm here to bounce ideas off of. I have been through a lot of different situations, have lived more of my life as myself than not, and I might be able to help you figure out how to get started with the life you want.

I was at the doctor and she referred to me as “he” but my mom quickly went “SHE” and the doctor started apologizing profusely about how she didn’t really look at me and just saw the short hair. :/ so much for passing

im a trans man, 19, and all I seem to do is attract eggs. more than half of the people who have been interested in me have ended up transitioning into women. I’m not complaining or anything just wondering if anyone else has experienced this

I keep seeing stuff about egg cracking and hatching but I have no idea what it means

lol Please be gentle

Before my egg cracked, I dated a trans girl. I wasn't comfortable with her parts at first, even declining to touch them when she first asked me. It was my first long term relationship, and I'd impulsively gotten into it despite knowing she had those parts, all because I was desperate to have a girlfriend. Eventually I became comfortable with touching them, but I still wasn't ATTRACTED to them yet like I was to vaginas. I even told her I wouldn't wanna stay with her if she decided not to get bottom surgery. She was already planning on getting it, but regardless, that was a very cruel thing to have put her through. My justification at the time was that I was being honest with her about my feelings.

To be clear, it was purely a case of feeling sexually unfulfilled, which doesn't excuse it, but my point is that I didn't see her as any less of a woman for having those parts, and I never wanted her to feel like she was, but no amount of reassurance I gave her could change that those were my feelings, and it was cruel of me to be with her while feeling that way (she was the one to break up with me for obvious reasons). Eventually I did become attracted to her parts, even getting excited to touch them, but the damage had already been done.

Now I'm trans myself, and I feel unworthy of the support from the community considering how I treated her.

She tells me she's forgiven me and that I was a great partner to her (we're still friends) but I can't help feeling like she's only saying that to make me feel better. And even if she does mean it, I still feel like I don't deserve that forgiveness.

Going 2 years into our relationship, ive seen a lot of discussion about specifically being FTM in a gay relationship with a cis guy and im just here because I want others to know that its possible and theres people out there that will respect you and love you and treat you well!

It can be anything, like specific clothes, getting your eyebrows done, surgery, skincare, whatever. Just trying to get some new perspectives for the girls here, so be precise in what you did !

Personally, I started taking the time to shape my eyebrows hair by hair to get a more “perfect” result. It took a while the first time, but it really changed how strangers perceive me.
Also, I have long hair but it used to look a bit messy. I started straightening it once a week and putting more effort into hair care, and I’ve definitely noticed a difference since then.

Edit: Please upvote to increase the reach of this post

I know Europe's a big place. I'm from the states and am curious. Also I don't pass and that's relevant.

In my experience, being visibly trans is...very frustrating. People immediately "gay up" their voice/language when seeing me. I'm m constantly told about how brave I am. I truly cannot go a single day in public without it becoming a subject of conversation. People stare at me constantly. and this is the safer part of the spectrum of experience.

So I'm wondering, how frequent are these more middle of the road experiences in other countries? Without looking at data specifically on this, I feel safe in saying violence against trans people is less in many places outside the US. Maybe a personal experience bias but I've been spit on, chased, assaulted in public since starting my transition about 2 years ago.

I know there's a lot of violence against trans women in Brasil for example, but most of it happens to native trans sex workers which is terrible and needs to change! but when I revisited last year I got far less stares, and 1 person in a week brought up my transness, but it was in context to what we were talking about, and it was more of a hint that she knows rather than making it a topic of conversation.

So, in relation to these things, what's your experience like in European or Latin American countries?

I can say I’m a girl and think of myself as a girl, but I’ll never really be a real girl. I’ll never get HRT because it’ll probably be banned in in the US by the time I’d have access to it and I wouldn’t be able to afford it, I’d never be able to afford bottom surgery in a million years and it’ll probably get banned too, I’ll probably never be able to wear girly clothes because I’ll probably never be able to afford living on my own. I wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if I was just born in the right body. I don’t understand why I have to be wrong. It’s not fair

I genuinely hate like 90% of humanity because of this shit. How can I become normal again after all the abuse we face for just fucking living

about two weeks ago i finally came out to my parents after being my closeted for four years and they said they’re happy im sharing my true self with them and stuff but they can’t stand the name i chose. they said it’s because of a family member with the same name who did some really bad stuff. i understand how much this affects my father so i wanted to compromise with them. i told them that they could call me by a middle name. i even chose a middle name with the same first letter as my deadname since they call me that a lot (if this doesnt make sense, imagine my deadname was victoria, they would call me V, and id choose a middle name starting with V so they could still call me that). even this was not enough for them.

since i haven’t chose a different first name that they approve of they’re just calling me my full deadname and using the wrong pronouns on me. i feel like they’re not trying to compromise, theyre just trying to get what they want.

they’re also proposing that i can keep my chosen first name but change the spelling, but i really don’t want to do that for a few reasons.

they also say that the reason they won’t call me the right pronouns is because im not out to really anyone else and they feel if they call me by the right pronouns at home they’ll mess up and accidentally out me by calling me by the right pronouns to people im not out to. i know its a little different, but my friends did that for four years and very rarely messed up.

i really cant tell if im the asshole here. if i am, please don’t be afraid to tell me that. i just don’t know what to do. please help

This one I've struggled with a long time.

If, as a man, I'm attracted to women, why have I always known I am a woman and why would I transition?

It's very confusing and a really good argument to avoid the fact, that indeed, I am one.

It's taken a lot of work and understanding that it's never been about sex or attraction.

It's about becoming the woman I was always meant to be.

To stand up and say this is me with (excuse the language) no fucks given.

It may even hinder a future with potential women, but it's never been about that.

When you've spent most of your life depressed, the real question is, what is it about your circumstances that doesn't match your internal beliefs?

This is incongruence of your outside world and internal world rubbing against each other.

This is the work on said depression.

Only by marrying theses two together can you truly live a congruent life.

And who knows, maybe Ella will have a change of heart and fall in love with a boy.

That's up to her.

But until then it's about growth and self actualisation.

Does anyone else have this experience of confusion?

Ella x