I feel like my egg is cracking
Hi, I'm 24 man, at least how I lived to this age, and I started to feel there is something wrong. I started to crave to be much more feminine than I used to be, started to feel happy when I'm doing for societal standard feminine things.
It's actually not my first time this is happening to me. The same thing started even as early as in my 10s years. I've had something in me, that wanted to be really feminine, even full woman. But then some major life events happened and I stopped thinking about it too much. From my 15 years I let my hair grow long and often find myself doing something odd for my sex or felt really dysforic about my body.
Another big time for me was in my 19 years when I started to think about myself again deeply, not just my social life, but truly myself alone and I had so deep desire to be a girl. I shaved my beard, let my hair being loose, wear my clothes in a way so I can seem to be more woman-like. And I really enjoyed it. But again, a lot has happened and I let it sink.
Now I'm in college, finishing my master study program of chemistry and I find myself again thinking about me. And I have the same feeling as before. I'm happy, even slightly euphoric when I percept myself at least slightly feminine, started doing skin care to look even better. But a lit of changed. I'm older than before, obviously, and not so girl-like as before. I have reduced hair count, my forehead is big, my skin seems much older and I'm even slightly overweight.
There are two problem. One is that I have a full desire to be much much more feminine, sometimes even full woman, but I don't know if it's just a phase, or I'm just suppressing something that was there from the beginning, or whoever am I.
Second problem is, that I feel really dysphoric right now, sometimes glad that I still see some feminity in me, but I don't know what I am on about. I have a strong desire to be as feminine as possible, but at the same time I'm unsure, if it's gonna be worth it. I am very sensitive about my appearance and I want to look natural and decently pretty. But I seem to be really far from my wish.
Does anyone have some tips, advice or just can talk to me about this topic as a supportive and listening human being? I feel lost.