r/tifu

Okay, in my defense, I grew up in a conservative town and was really sheltered by literally every adult except my parents, I moved to California and told one of my new friends I thought it was kinda funny they called Freddie Mercury "the king of the gays" in a video they had sent me, they asked why, I said "cause I notice a lot that really flamboyant singers, mostly guys are called gay just because they dress in more unusual ways." They got quiet and said "Freddie Mercury WAS gay" I knew he had a fiance who was a woman so I disagreed, one very quick Google search later and I learned Freddie Mercury was not infact, straight. My friends will not stop making fun of me (they're so nice s/) but yeah. TL;DR I thought Freddie Mercury was straight and just called gay cause he's flamboyant (like Elton John or Harry Styles) and arguing about it and now im being made fun of by my friends.

I'm watching Bohemian Rhapsody the movie right now Jesus Christ I'm learning alot

So yesterday I decided to do the water heater maintenance that hasn't been done in the 7 years I've been here, and probably ever: replacing the water heater sacrificial cathode rod.

Google it, if you haven't done it, have a water heater older than 6 years, you should do it too, it's 3 minutes of work unless you mess up like I did.

I start with the water shutoff right above the tank, it doesn't move much, but feels solid and like it's moving easily, so I figure it's like some 1/8 turn valve and stupidly don't turn it off elsewhere. There's my mistake.

I run a faucet to relieve the lines, drain a bucket out the bottom, good so far, then take an impact wrench and get turning the rod on the top. When it gets loose it SHOOTS out along with a fountain of 200degree water (yes I keep my tank hot). An absolute gusher as I have very high city water pressure.

I ran around and got the rod, shoved it into the almost boiling geyser and managed to get that back stoppered within a few minutes, wasn't easy, had to find the impact driver I'd thrown, socket and bravery to get in that hot water in the first place lol.

Luckily I was wearing glasses, and turned my face right away, but my arms got beet red and stung for a day. Spent hours re-boxing stuff in cardboard boxes, moving everything out and mopping and drying it all out, still have fans going to finish that part off.

Moral of the story: MAKE SURE IT'S OFF. Power, water, gas... Just make sure it's OFF, way easier than the alternative. I've been duly reminded :)

TL;DR: I didn't actually turn the water off and pulled the cathode rod out causing a 200degree geyser of pressurized water.

So there’s a pond near my house and I’ve been feeding a few ducks when I’m on my way to work. I began feeding them daily since a few weeks ago and there’s this one duck that steals all the food and has grown quite rather fat.

So one morning, when I was fed up with the fat duck’s bullshit, when I saw him attacking the other ducks during feeding time. I concocted a brilliant plan (at the time) to kidnap the duck so that the other ducks will have more food to eat.

So at 3am in the wee morning, I brought a large fishing net and went down the pond. Fortunately, the fat duck was sleeping by the side of the pond as he had gotten too fat to float easily on water.

Sneaking up to it, I duck-napped it into my net and placed him into a plastic bag, sneaking it home.

So here I am in the afternoon, with a fat duck waddling around my house typing on Reddit, unsure of what to do. Probably gotta return it because it’s illegal here to duck-nap wildlife.

TL;DR: Kidnapped duck, it’s quacking and running around my room now.

Update: Called animal services, placed it back in the pond. The other ducks are congregating around it by the pond like they’ve seen their long lost compatriot.

so i was at the doctor like maybe 3 hrs ago or smth and yeah i cant stop replaying it, went in for this dumb itch thing nothing dramatic just annoying, older doc guy very calm like he’s seen everything, tells me to drop pants and i’m already kinda stiff mentally like ok cool adult time, i lie back staring at the ceiling tiles counting them or whatever and then my body just… decides nah today we perform, like full on, i didn’t even feel it starting i just noticed and froze, and i swear he paused for half a sec and went “yeah that happens” like he was talking about the weather which somehow made it 10x worse, and i’m just lying there pretending i’m dead thinking about protein powder brand names or Elden Ring bosses anything, but then the door just opens, nurse walks in no knock, sees everything, does this weird half turn “sorry” and backs out but not fully?? TL;DR like the door stays cracked and i could see light from the hallway and my brain goes yeah cool entire clinic watching shadow puppet show of my worst moment, doc keeps talking like nothing is happening explaining stuff i don’t even remember, something about skin irritation or whatever, i’m nodding like yeah mhm totally listening bro while internally i’m just gone, and it didnt even go away fast which made it worse, finally he’s done i yank my pants up way too fast probably looked insane, he writes the prescription and then goes “maybe skip those supplements for a bit” with this tiny smirk and i’m like oh great he clocked it instantly of course he did im not slick, then i had to walk past that same nurse and she just avoided eye contact completely like i dont exist which honestly might be worse, idk maybe this is normal and im overreacting but it felt like i just unlocked a new level of embarrassment i didnt even know was possible

Edit: sorry formatting is bad im on mobile

this happened like a week ago
i came home pretty tired after work and went up to my floor in my apartment building. everything looked normal so i walked to “my” door and tried to unlock it.
the key wouldn’t go in.
i tried again.
still nothing.
i’m standing there thinking “did my landlord change the lock or something??”
then the door suddenly opens from the inside.
a guy i have never seen in my life is standing there looking at me like i’m about to rob him.
turns out i accidentally went to the floor above mine and was trying to unlock someone else’s apartment for like 30 seconds.
i just stood there for a second and said
“uh… wrong floor”
then walked away like that somehow explained everything.
every time i see that guy in the building we both pretend we don’t know each other.

TL;DR: tried to unlock what i thought was my apartment. it was someone else’s door and the guy was inside watching me struggle with the lock.

Hi all! I am new to this Subreddit, and thought I'd share my story that unfortunately happened this morning at around 7:30 or so.

For context: about a month ago, the city that I live in got hit with a MASSIVE snow storm, resulting in over 42 centimeters of snow. With the temperatures getting warmer, that snow decided to start melting, which I didn't realize until it was too late.

I'm twenty years old and a big fan of the Pokémon series, and I've started playing Pokémon GO since February of 2023, and one of the main things you do is put your little monsters into these pinpointed areas on an IRL map called Gyms, to accumulate the currency used in the shop, which is the only way of getting said currency for free.

There is one of these Gyms close by on a trail near my house, that starts by a "Tot Lot" aka a playground for children, and I foolishly decided "You know what, sure! Let's go on this path of roughly 1.7 feet of snow, surely nothing goes wrong!"

I made it to the Gym area safely, but didn't want to go back the way I came as I feared I'd get stuck in the snow, and took the path further into the trail, which I didn't realize was about twice or thrice as long. I ended up getting stuck to the point where I'd get scrapes on my left leg from trying to wedge out of the snow.

I grabbed my phone, and immediately called my #1 in case of emergency line; my mom. I was sobbing profusely at this point, starting off the call with "I MADE A MASSIVE MISTAKE!" and asked my parents for some help to get me out of the snow I was stuck in.

Due to some miscommunication on my part, my mom was searching by the wrong area, and my dad called asking me which trail I went by, and I told him the trail. He found me, sobbing, sitting down. I was afraid to get back up, worrying I'd just fall deeper, and he helped me get out, until I got REALLY stuck. But thankfully, my mom found us, as we were near the public library, and got me out.

One hot bath later, and now I have a sore, scraped leg, a bit of a bad cough, and am HEAVILY exhausted (I pulled an all-nighter as I couldn't sleep, mainly due to my depression,) but I am home safe and sound.

TL;DR: I went to an area filled with melting snow because of a Gym in Pokémon GO and got stuck numerous times, eventually needing to call for help.

I (29M) have been having sexual dreams about my (26M) roommate/employee. We moved in together at the beginning of March. He was already my assistant manager by then and we got a long great. We have a two halves of a whole idiot type of friendship. We call each other brothers. One night a week ago we were high and were up very late. He said his back hurt so I kinda massaged it for a little bit which was odd but ok. Then he started pulling his sweats down more which was like ok more odd. Then he flipped over and pulled his hard dick out. Being high, extremely tired, and horny, I sucked him. Not my proudest moment but it happened. We talked about it a couple awkward days later and decided it wouldn’t affect our friendship or work dynamic. Great. Until now. I’m having these sexual dreams about us almost every night now which is making me question things. Like do I have feelings for him?

For context I’m Bi and he has admitted to being with a guy before. We didn’t know either of these things before that night we talked it out. He talks to girls all the time so I don’t think he would feel the same way plus I don’t want to mess up our living situation or our work situation. I’m afraid to bring it up in fear of things getting messy. I have hinted at massaging his back again and he declined so I think that’s a good indication that it is a one off thing.

Any advice would be appreciated!

TL;DR: TIFU by having sexual dreams about my roommate/employee after we hooked up as friends one night after being high and tired.

My doctor prescribed me Egilok (metoprolol) for my ectopics (extrasystoles, palpitations). I would take ½ tablet (12.5 mg) whenever I suffered with ectopics. I would usually have ectopics with my resting heart rate a bit elevated, so the medication took out both problems. In a way, I felt good.

Then my problems started to subside and I was symptoms free for a few days. I managed my vagal nerve and I stopped getting the big ectopics. Great! Then came today and the ectopics flared up again (probably because I stayed up late with an emptier-than-usual stomach and had one extra coffee in the afternoon, maybe a combination of those, I really don't know). There weren't many, but they bothered me and I really wanted to go to sleep, so, just like my doctor advised, I took ½ tablet to treat the ectopics.

That was a mistake, as I soon realized that my already regular resting rate of a bit over 60 BPM fell down to around 55 BPM, possibly even lower. Not nice. It's quite scary. The ectopics are gone, but at what cost? I feel so stupid. I trusted my doctor, but perhaps I should've pushed through it and let the ectopics go away on their own, I know that they can.

Now I'm scared to fall asleep for I know that the already low resting heart rate will go even lower. The maximum potency of the medication lasts up to 6 hours, depending on factors that I am not aware of. This will be a sleepless night. And one that tells me that I cannot use beta blockers to treat ectopics when my heart rate is – normal.

Isn't it funny, this thing called life?

TL;DR: Took ½ tablet of a beta-blocker to treat a sudden wave of ectopics (painful extra beats). Made my already low resting heart rate quite slow – around 55 BPM. Afraid to go to sleep as that decreases heart rate as well. Weaponized insomnia.

Myself and a bunch of my other coworkers were talking after the end of the shift this morning, particularly about a bunch of extra tasks that we'd been assigned. One of the new girls on my team, Lisa, did almost all of them because she finished the rest of her work before we did.

She's always trying to work too hard, getting too much done and generally just trying to over achieve. It really makes the rest of us look worse in comparison, and she's also always asking the supervisor for more work, trying to take other peoples work, or do side training or whatever. She's like the office version of a pick-me girl.

Well today the supervisor bought her a coffee for it at the end of the day and we were giving her a little bit of flack for it. She wasn't upset, she laughed with most of it so it's not like we were actually being mean or anything.

Except Lisa said at one point, "Everything I do is in the hopes that someone will pat me on the head and tell me 'good job'." Like she's a dog or something.

At which point I said, "Wow, that's kind of pathetic."

And the whole mood shifted. Even though everyone else had also just been joking that she was working too hard and trying to much too! It wasn't just me!

Well Lisa stopped talking entirely and someone else started talking about what we were going to do for the weekend.

Normally a bunch of us go out for breakfast or something at the end of the week, or at least a few people will hang out and game on the weekends, but when I brought it up no one was very receptive and kind of just brushed me off. But I saw someone post on Instagram that almost the whole team was out for breakfast with Lisa, it was just me that was left out.

TL:DR I took a joke too far and now I think most of my coworkers know about it.

I know, pretty standard run-of-the-mill stuff. This happened damn near seven years ago now, but I’ve been watching a lot of Reddit Stories lately and thought I’d try my hand at this since I have a modicum of stories to tell.

For background, I, a 22-year old man at the time, had gotten out of a particularly long term relationship toward the beginning of 2019. My ex and I were engaged for a few years, waiting until we were a bit older to really start planning things out for the wedding, both going through college, both working, and had moved in together the year prior. Things were okay at first after moving in, but I started to realize that we wanted different things, and we were very clearly in two different places in life. I’ll get into that story as well as the story of my subsequent girlfriend in separate posts somewhere on this site, but for now, let’s focus on October of 2019.

I’m depressed. I bought a house a few months prior and had a friend move into my spare room because I was just so lonely that I didn’t know how to handle it. I had taken up working out my liver most nights of the week, doing 12-ounce curls at a local bar called The Park. They had karaoke at this place, and well, turns out I’m quite the singer. This particular night, I believe it was the 11th, I’m sitting at the end of the bar already a bit blitzed and waiting for karaoke to begin when I hear “oh my god!” come from behind me in a sort-of familiar voice.

I turned to meet eyes with a woman I had met in this bar maybe a year or two prior (yes I drank underage, I know, terrible) and had taken a bit of a liking to at that time, but never saw again. We’ll call her Bridgit here. Bridgit would have been 26 years old at the time, and she greeted me with a warm hug and a huge smile that could’ve filled that little dive bar. She asked if I remembered her, and of course I said yes. She had me sing The Middle by Jimmy Eat World for her the last time we met, and when I brought that up to I guess prove that I did remember her, she told me that that was legitimately like her favorite song. What followed were hours upon hours of deep conversation that flowed from the bar to the tables to the smoking area and back again, stopping only when one of us was up to sing. Turns out, we had quite a bit in common, and I already felt myself sort of falling for her. There was just one problem: she was married.

When she told me this I was understandably crushed, but she was such a unique person that I felt confident we could be friends and very much wanted to do so because having her in my life in any capacity would be worth it. She gave me her phone number (as friends) and we went our separate ways after closing down the bar and having an additional half hour of conversation outside in the parking lot once we got kicked out. The next day, that whole “Your new contact Bridgit is on Snapchat!” notification popped up while I was at work and I went ahead and added her. She added me back almost immediately, and we began talking.

The first couple days or so, we talked about everything under the sun. I told her about all my recent traumas, my job, the two exes I mentioned above, she told me about her husband and daughter (I think she was 7 or 8 at this time), what she did for work, etc. Toward the end of that first week though, she was messaging me late at night and the conversation turned. We were having one of our trademark deep discussions, I was at a Halloween party, she was at home. Out of nowhere she texted me “I have something I want to say to you but I don’t think I should.” I told her in that case we’d play a guessing game for me to try to figure it out. Eventually, once I figured out what she was trying to tell me without actually telling me, I said “well in that case, I love you too.” And she responded simply with “fuck.”

Over the next few months I fell completely head over heels for this woman. I began visiting her at work on Fridays when she was there by herself, she’d come over to my place for a few hours once or twice a week while she was supposed to be at her sister’s house, I even took her on a whole ass date one night. She explained to me very early on that she was a witch and practiced magick, and this was absolutely captivating to me. To this day I still consider myself to be Pagan as well. She also explained the terms of our relationship and her relationship with her husband, telling me that their arrangement was nothing more than complacent and they were really just together for the business and their daughter at this point. She even went as far as to tell me that he was mildly abusive, and this made me genuinely believe that I was doing the right thing here.

We called it the New Years Project, where after the first of the year she would start the process of getting a divorce to be with me. She always told me she “couldn’t wait to love [me] loudly.” That day never came. In late January of 2020, we broke up after she realized that she wanted to fix her family. We had a long, hard conversation about this and I agreed that that would be the best move for her if this is how she was feeling. We made an agreement that we would stay best friends from that point on because neither of us wanted to have the other leave their life.

This agreement lasted maybe a month. It started out slowly, but little by little she began to become unrecognizable to me. Little bits of the personality she had put on for me started to fall away until eventually we were talking less and less. Of course I still wanted her back as a partner through all of this, but feeling her push away and change who she was (or who I thought she was) was incredibly devastating for me. The pandemic hit shortly after and I ended up getting laid off of work, and suddenly it felt like I had nothing left. On April 11th at 3 in the morning, I made the decision to end my life.

I chose to do so through an overdose of prescription antidepressants that I had been put on at this point, and I took them just before bed while playing Xbox with one friend and two people I didn’t know. My goal was to quietly disappear in my sleep. The next morning I woke up shaking and drifting in and out of consciousness. Scared and realizing what I had done, I texted Bridgit for help. Keep in mind though, I didn’t tell her the circumstances and to this day I still don’t think she knows what happened. All I said was I thought I was having a seizure, and her response was “well, don’t die I guess.”

Two or three days prior I had written a short poem and posted it to Facebook. The theme of this was coffee and how I had made some for the first time since the last time she was over. She hated that. She chose that moment to bring it up and told me “you don’t get to decide how I feel about all of this, you don’t know what I’m going through.” So I told her I would give her some space and she could come back and talk to me about everything when she was ready. A week passed. Then two. Then months had passed. After six months, now a year since we first connected, I reached out to her and received no response. Then I texted again and realized that I had been blocked.

This period of time and the year that followed were one of the hardest of my life. When I returned to work, I saw a car that looked like hers on my commute in and almost crashed my car I freaked out so bad. My therapist concluded that my time with Bridgit had caused me to develop PTSD. I believe she worked some sort of dark magick on me to make me pay for what I did. Here’s the kicker — while we were together, she had convinced me that we were connected on such a deep level that it would’ve been impossible for us to be separated. She found an article about a concept called Twin Flames, and sent it to me saying it sounded just like us.

For those of you who aren’t privy, a twin flame is basically if your own soul had been split in half and put into two different bodies. It’s essentially a soulmate on crack. I know that about a week prior to my suicide attempt that she had performed a cord cutting spell on me to get over me, and I felt the effects when this happened and later confirmed it with her. I don’t know what other kind of magick she could’ve worked on me after the fact but I do know that for a very long time afterward, I struggled in almost every aspect of life.

I know now that I was probably just a bit of fun for her at the time, and looking back I’m glad that it happened because it really taught me a lot. I think it’s abhorrent to lovebomb someone as hard as she did just for a bit of sex and the thrill of sneaking around, but I’m not mad at her anymore. Somewhere around a year after my suicide attempt I received a text from her husband who had somehow figured everything out at that point, and he said they were going to work through it. I have no idea how he found out but I’d have to assume it was eating her alive and she told him. It was certainly eating away at me. That was when I think I finally got at least part of the closure I needed and was able to truly start to move on, though bits of what happened still haunt me. I don’t know if they’re still together or not, but I hope they are and I hope they’re happy.

Bridgit, if somehow you find this post, I’m sorry for how I acted toward the end and I want you to know that I’m not upset with you anymore. You were a very important person in my life for a short while and getting over you was one of the hardest things I ever went through, but I’ll never regret that any of it happened. I am married now to someone who suits me very well, and my life has turned out better than I could’ve hoped. It’s always the journey rather than the destination, and I’m glad that you were a part of mine. I do hope that I never run into you in public again, but I also hope you’re doing well.

TL;DR I had an affair with a married woman and all I got was this lousy PTSD, though I did eventually rehabilitate and move on

Guys, I have realized my mistakes, thanks for the awards (original post https://www.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1sceiyr/comment/oeajcf3/ ) this wasn't an engagement post, I GENUINELY DIDN'T KNOW THAT HE WAS GAY I SWEAR, I have just been so conditioned to automatically think everyone is straight I never really questioned anything else. To the people pm me, my parents are atheist and pretty supportive, I'm out of the closet and they knew I was at least gonna be gender non-conforming by the time I was 6. Sorry for Thanks y'all have a good day. TL;DR TIFU by telling the Internet I thought Elton John was straight in an off handed comment.
I have to keep typing to hit the charter limits sooo

Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?

Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see I'm just a poor boy, I need no sympathy Because I'm easy come, easy go Little high, little low Any way the wind blows doesn't really matter to me, to me

Mama, just killed a man

Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead Mama, life had just begun But now I've gone and thrown it all away Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you cry If I'm not back again this time tomorrow Carry on, carry on as if nothing really matters

Too late, my time has come

Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time

Goodbye, everybody, I've got to go

Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth Mama, ooh (any way the wind blows)

I don't wanna die

I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all

I see a little silhouetto of a man

Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?

Thunderbolt and lightning, very, very frightening me (Galileo) Galileo, (Galileo) Galileo, Galileo Figaro, magnifico But I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me He's just a poor boy from a poor family Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

بسم الله

No, we will not let you go (let him go)

بسم الله

We will not let you go (let him go)

بسْمِ اللهِ

We will not let you go (let me go)

Will not let you go (let me go)

Will not let you go (never, never, never, never let me go)

No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Oh, mamma mia, mamma mia

Mamma mia, let me go

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me

So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?

So you think you can love me and leave me to die?

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Ooh

Ooh, yeah, ooh, yeah

Nothing really matters, anyone can see

Nothing really matters

Nothing really matters to me

This happened when I was 12/13, i'd just got over a cold and my parents were going to a town about two and a half hours away, my dad just got a new car.

Sometimes when I get colds even these days it makes me sick usually when i'm starting to get over it, so we were around two hours into the trip, i'm still getting used to the ride of this new car, and to make matters worse it's all wavy poorly finished roads.

I ended up throwing up all over the backseat of the car, and my shirt in the process, first thing i do is take my shirt off, luckily we were only a few minutes away, but once we got into the town one of the few shops that sold clothing was shut on this day, think small town no one cares about so retail business is pretty rough.

To make matters worse, even though this town was near the water, the weather wasn't exactly tops off permitting, I think it was around the teens, and my parents worried i was going to be thrown out of some of the places we were going if i didn't wear a shirt, so there i was, one shirt was a biohazard, no spare, and couldn't just not wear one, so we start looking around, all i managed to find was a roll of white plastic bags and i was like "i'm going to have to? it's my only choice" lest we have to drive two and a half hours back home and put the day out.

So my parents the bags, took one off, cut the bottom off, cut some armholes (there was already a head hole being a bag) and gave it to me, to my surprise it fit and did it's job well, not glorious, people looked, but it worked, some man even commented on me looking like i was homeless to which i told them what happened.

And yea it was uncomfortable, kept sticking to me.

TL;DR: I had to wear a plastic bag for the day because i puked on my only shirt

Typing this before I unpack, I’m a culinary student, this neighborhood i had to move too and school has sucked the life out of me. Imma skip over it and focus on the important part. I need yall to hear me out, i love girls, thick girls particularly. How do you get thick girls? Food, women LOVE food. My goal was to be a jack of all trades chef so suit my future baby girls needs.

Anyway, there was this FINE Asian girl. Imma be honest, out of every girl i even talked too, some i genuinely couldn’t tell if they were just nice or flirting with me. This girl gave me every fuckin sign in the world. I crack a dumbass joke and she will be grabbing my shoulder and class, always standing next to me, she even cracks racist jokes.

But heres where I fucked up, For 2 months straight I had nothing but caffeine and alkaline water, probably no more than 4-5 hours of sleep, and was pissed at my performance (this was more internal), couldn’t find my glasses for a week so i could barely see shit, and i was losing my balance a lot (idk why but btw it was under my bed covered by a mouse pad). Before coming to college i never drank energy drinks, i barely even liked coffee. I never had so much in one sitting just to keep me awake so my game wasn’t up to par. She was still laughing at my jokes but I could only hear every other word she was saying. Shit was awful. I NEVER get this type of attention no matter how hard i tried but the second i’m at 1% but god just throws pussy my way and expects me to respond? This is the second time this shit happened. I thought about it for 30 minutes then went to sleep. I wasn’t dumb, i knew what she was doing but i didn’t have the energy to act on it.

My game was so trash bro, i was fucking losing my train of thought. i just graduated so i probably won’t see her again by the time i return, she graduates later than me but shes older. I asked for her number tho thanks to a team assignment giving me a natural way of asking so maybe theres a shot but a fuckin prom photo of me and a random girl i knew in highschool popped up mid type, made her think i was dating that girl. I had to say “nah i’m single” when she tried cracking jokes about me going to my girlfriend, which she only made after that day. Fml

TLDR: pretty Asian girl spits flirts with me, i’m too burnt out to use my golden opportunity.