r/olderlesbians

I’ll make this brief. I’m. Newly out of a difficult break up, my heart is still broken and I’m absolutely not ready to date, but I REALLY miss being able to curl up with someone. Not sex, but cuddling and physical closeness. I crave being able to have a woman’s arms around me and run my fingers through her hair or across her arms. It just makes the struggle of trying to get over my heartbreak worse. So what do you do when you’re single and looking for closeness?

I lost my dad when I was around 3 years old. I’ve always heard from family that he loved me a lot, but I never got to experience that relationship myself.

Even though my family loves me, I sometimes feel like there’s a kind of emotional gap, like I’m still searching for that deep, safe kind of love.

I’m a lesbian, and sometimes I imagine that kind of emotional closeness with my future girlfriend. Not in a replacement way, but more like wanting a deep, secure bond.

Is that normal? Has anyone else felt something similar?

I’m 47, she’s 27, we’re both AuDHD and have been together 2 yrs now. I’ve recently realized a few things; the age difference has become a problem for me because our frame of reference is so different, and that I don’t want to share a home with a partner again. I can’t give her what she wants and will miss her deeply. How would you gently break her heart if you were me?

I don’t know what to do, I feel so hurt and tired and somehow trapped. I know the quick answer is just to breakup but there are lots of stuff going on around it.

I’m going to try to make this the short version. So I’m on a relationship for a year and a half. Since June last year she lost her job, and se moved in with me. Since the beginning of our relationship I told her I wasn’t ready economically speaking to support fully someone (I was paying my second career and trying to save up for opening my cafeteria). At first she paid some stuff, of course not 50-50, and it’s been like 3 months since I’m the sole provider. I did opened the cafetería, it’s been 1 month so of course it’s not profitable yet. Well, she hasn’t found a job since last year, she actually stopped searching for one for some months, so she started working with me on the cafeteria.

My relationship is awful. We have like 3 good days and then we have this really horrible fights, we both scream but she starts being very violent like throwing stuff to the walls, breaking stuff, calling me awful names. Fight weren’t like this since the beginning. The main issue (actually like 90% of the fights) are about my past relationship which ended 2 years before I met her.

My past relationship was with a guy, we lived together and it lasted 5 years. At the beginning it was a romantic relationship but then it just became sort of a friend/roomie. I hated myself for living with him and actually tried to un alive myself cause I was living something that I hated. My past relationship started because I wanted to be on the good side of my dad, now I don’t care about my homophobic dad. I told her that that relationship wasn’t a true relationship, we were like friends, no sex cause I didn’t want to and he was having multiple secret partners, of course we cared about each other but not in that way. The thing here is that she started asking lots of questions about it, I answered each one (my mistake) cause I honestly thought it was more about curiosity. Then 3 months ago she told me she went through my email and found an old conversation with him (2017) when our relationship started so she read stuff about when we were in a romantic relationship. She says I’m a liar, and maybe not even a lesbian. Then she went trough my phone and read all my conversations with my friends where I vent about some of the fights, she went through my insta, I feel like I have no privacy.

I’m not saying I’m the perfect partner but it’s making me go crazy to have all this problems because of my past relationship. I have no contact with my ex since we broke up.

I been having lots of anxiety and honestly I feel the depression coming back.

I know I should breakup but she has no money, nowhere to go. We’ve talked on the past about breaking up and she said that if that happens she is still going to stay at my place till she finds a job (but it’s been too long for her looking for one and nos finding anything). I feel like a lost my safe place. She makes me feel like I’m the worst person on this planet, I told her we should go to therapy but she doesn’t want to cause she know the therapist is going to tell her she’s on the wrong here.

What would you do on my place?

Hello! Basically tittle says it all, but how does one go about surprising their girlfriend with a well thought out and planned proposal and ring that takes into account all of her preferences without completely broadcasting all of the details through conversations?

We've had open conversations about the fact we intend to marry, I know what kind of proposal she likes, and have a vague idea of the type of rings she likes (though, as a pair of chapsticks, i can say from experience, she is not going to love getting that type of ornate and stone-heavy ring caught on EVERYTHING...)

We're still early in our relationship and this is something that would be a ways off, but i can't help but want start planning early (i'll spare y'all from the mushy details about how I know she's the one haha)

My first thought is have an in depth conversation now and look at rings in the hopes she forgets it by the time the moment comes and it gets folded back into being a surprise haha

Thoughts? Personal experience and recommendations?

I recently went on a date with a woman whose photos were so heavily filtered or edited that the difference in real life was hard to ignore. Not just better lighting or flattering angles, but a noticeable gap.

It put me in an uncomfortable position. On one hand, it felt misleading. On the other, I could sense there was likely insecurity behind it, which made it harder to respond honestly in the moment.

What made it more complicated is that I did feel there might be potential beyond physical attraction, so I didn’t just dismiss it.

Curious how others have handled something like this in a way that feels both honest and respectful.

everyones too old for me i don’t have a chance💔

Hi all, Im new here, and new to Reddit, and Im in a place where I really need fellow queer people right now, especially older lesbians. I'm 27 and most online lesbian communities I've found so far are full of people much younger than me, and I feel I need the wisdom of someone who has lived more life.

I am going through my first real heartbreak with my first real love, my femme, and I just need all the support I can get. It wasn't for lack of love, and today is my second day without her. Long story short I broke up with her because she had a wall up that she couldn't take down, despite her greatest efforts, and we were together for a year and a half and very much so in love and very much so attracted to each other. But that wall couldn't come down and we could never be truly intimate and it started to hurt me too much, but I miss her so so so much.

I think I just need to be heard and need to hear stories of other people going through this or getting through this etc to feel less alone. Anything helps, but I really need stories from people who have lost their first love who they had a soul connection with and still go through losing them and found love again. Especially if that person did nothing wrong. She tried her best, she just wasn't healed enough for that wall to come down and it hurt me. Thank you all.

I’m turning fifty soon. I have a tendency to feel depressed around my birthday (long story), and the marker of fifty feels very big. I think it would help to hear other lesbians share about getting older, if you’re willing.

I do notice I feel more self-acceptance all the time; I feel more like my own self and less inclined to people-please. I’m trying to spend more time making and experiencing art. Overall I feel more grateful for my relationships and open to building more community. But sometimes it’s hard to get out of bed, and my cat says it’s fine if we just hang out on the couch all day.

​Hi everyone. I’m a 52-year-old lesbian living in the UK. I’ve been single for nine years, having spent that time entirely focused on raising my children. In doing so, I got quite good at becoming hyper-independent. Now that my kids are grown, I’m ready to find a partner, but I’m finding the transition back into the world much more difficult than I expected.

​I am naturally a bit socially awkward, but my main struggle is something that makes me feel quite silly. I find myself "fantasising" about almost every woman I interact with. If a woman is even slightly friendly—whether we're walking our dogs or just standing in a queue—and we exchange a smile, my mind immediately jumps into imagining a full-blown relationship with her. I even find myself doing this with women I work with.

​What would it be like to actually be with her? How would I ask her out? Is she married? Oh god, she’s so pretty. She’s far too young/old/posh/sexy for me. I even find myself checking for wedding rings... it feels utterly ridiculous! It is like I’ve forgotten how to behave. Of course, I never act on these thoughts, but the mental loop is constant.

​I know people say "just go out and socialise" to find "the one," but for me, the social awkwardness can be debilitating. I’ve always been an old soul; I like my home, my dogs, reading, and listening to audiobooks. I much prefer a quiet night in with someone I love to a loud night out. This adds to a crushing fear that I might never find someone—that the partner I want is likely going through the exact same thing and is staying in as well! And please, don't even mention dating sites; in my view, they are the cesspools of the dating world.

​It is mentally exhausting. I know this likely stems from profound loneliness and perhaps a fear of being hurt, but I don't know how to switch this "thought pattern" off. I feel like I’m running out of time, or that I’m past my prime. With menopause, I feel like I'm becoming invisible as things start to sag and change, but I still have so much love to give.

​I’d love to hear from women—especially here in the UK—who have dealt with this. How do you stop your mind from "running away" with you? How do you stay grounded when you’re finally ready to connect after being on your own for so long?

​Thanks for reading.

Hi all! So my fiance broke up with me last night. We had been together for 3 years and were due to get married later this year. She already has a son from a previous relationship, so I’ve also been step parenting for the past 3 years. We were planning on having a baby once we got married. The baby would have been genetically mine and carried by me. I’m 37 years old. I feel like by the time I find someone else to have kids with and start that whole process, I’m going to be too old. I don’t have a question, I guess I’m just having a small rant and trying to come to terms with never becoming a parent to my own children now. Any similar experiences or positive stories would be helpful!

Are there any Fiona Goodes out there except you don’t smoke nor want to burn down the world to stay in power? 🥵🫦

Seriously though, I feel like I’m never going to meet a mature, sophisticated, intelligent, woman who can command a room (especially when we are the only two in it 😏). I find myself drawn to these powerful female characters in movies and TV shows but have never met someone in real life that makes me feel that intrigued or drawn to them. Sometimes I wonder if they really exist or if they are only fictional characters to fantasize about and I just need to lower my expectations.

P.S. AHS: Coven is the absolute best season, hands down, and will die on this hill. I’m so excited they are bringing it back.

Also, in case anyone is curious… I’m 34, 5’5, natural long blonde hair, blue eyes, fem presenting, east coaster… apparently with insomnia tonight.

I've been reading this book on dating, and it's been really good at identifying the major mistakes people make when looking for people on dating apps. It talks about not looking at too many profiles in a day, not solely basing your judgments on the search criteria (age, education), coming up with your own standards that you may not necessarily see in the profile, giving the maybes a chance, etc.

But it doesn't really get into what you should put on your profile too much. And it's written for a general audience.

I was curious- what are some of the things you all look for in a dating profile? What is more likely to catch your attention and like someone?

I wrote this the morning after the night before.