1 year post diagnosis - HIV is not that bad!
April of last year, I was in and out of the doctors office. My physician couldn't quite figure out what the problem was; I'd get better, then get sick again. She decided to draw blood for more testing. And then one morning she called "You tested positive for HIV".
I called my boss, told him I was diagnosed with a chronic disease (but I assured him I'll live) and requested permission to leave so I can clear my mind. Drove around Los Angeles to think about things. Felt like I was in a dream. That night I slept soundly, and the next day I have moved on. I embraced my diagnosis fully. I think me being educated (I have a medical background) helped a lot. I know HIV today is manageable, and diabetes is probably worse since it displays symptoms even when managed.
But it doesn't end there - what I in fact had was full-blown AIDS (CD4 count under 100). Add to that pancreatitis, pneumonia, disseminated tuberculosis (a very severe, life-threatening form of tuberculosis), sepsis. I was very, very sick. I ended up in the hospital for 6 months where I then lost my ability to walk. I had about a 50% chance of not making it out alive. But I did, and have since then been cleared by public health (TB management), by physical therapy (so I can walk again), and I am now undetectable.
And now that I am undetectable, HIV is not that bad. In fact some things in my life have improved. My relationships with others are better (I am trying to be a better person). I was the type who'd shoulder everything alone, stay silent and calm before adversities. I was confident in my ability to withstand whatever life threw my way. I never depended on ANYBODY. I didn't need anybody. Everyone can go away and Id survive. I didn't even tell anyone I was in the hospital until the 2nd month. I managed. I said, If I'm going down, I am going down alone. But after recovering, I realized that this is a second chance I cannot afford to squander. I decided to accept myself fully, which then allowed me to accept others. I feel so much happier. All is good.
There is that one lingering question though, how did I get it? I wasn't fond of anal sex. I only had anal sex 4 times in my life, but 3 was unprotected (however I did it with someone I was dating then). Maybe that's just luck. But I do not ponder on it too much. As I have said, all is good.
To conclude, I want to encourage people to be more educated. I think education can help cushion the fall. Some people grieve for a long time after receiving their diagnosis. And while it is okay to loathe yourself, hate yourself, be sad or depressed, remember one thing, most people (if not all) who caught it, have later learned that HIV is not so bad, and you can bet your ass you'll be one of those people. Sure we'd rather not have it, but it's not that bad (at least for me, its not that bad). The world has come a long way. HIV is getting more support. There is much to be optimistic about.