r/gender

appearing in ancient texts and civilizations from Mesopotamia and Egypt to the Americas and India. These identities were often erased or suppressed by colonialism, Western imperialism, and the enforcement of a strict gender binary. the separation from god and human. man and woman. Historical examples include India's hijras, Native American Two-Spirit people, and the Third Sex magazine in 1930s Berlin weve ALWAYS BEEN HERE

So I (25F) have a friend (26F) I met in college. We really hit it off and have become best friends. About a year ago, she confessed to me that she was born as a boy. I was quite surprised by this but I can't say I didn't have my suspicions. Now, I know that it's wrong to refer to trans people as their birth sex, so I told her that I fully see her as a woman and this doesn't change anything. But actually, my brain just sees her as a man. I'm not transphobic and I would never misgender her, but I really wish she'd never told me. How can I possibly combat this feeling? Do I tell her? Please note that I don't hate trans people and I don't want to feel like this, it's entirely involuntary.

Hey! Sorry for the long post, still not super sure about a lot of this, but I guess that's kinda the point of the sub, so here goes.

For pretty much my whole life, I've been a guy. I've never really identified with it super strongly, but I think I'd feel the same about being a woman. I've mostly stuck with it because my body is *very* masculine (height, facial hair, shoulders) and I do generally like the way I look.

A while back (toward the end of high school) I realized I that I am Bisexual. , I was also questioning a lot of other things about myself (found out I was ADHD too, finally got meds like a month ago btw!!!), and kinda realized that, in abstract, I don't really care too much about being a man or a woman, and the only resistance/objection I had to the latter was not identifying with the "negative" traits/stereotypes of being a woman (got a lot of the "you throw like a girl"-type stuff as a young kid). I've had the pronouns on my social media/discord as he/they since about then. I haven't really felt any pressure to put any more of a label on it than that. Sort of a "I am who I am, maybe I'll find something later and that'll change things, but this feels good for now" type situation. As you can probably tell from the fact I'm making a post on this sub I uh... may have found something.

It happened a couple days ago. For context, I've put on a little bit of weight recently. Nothing major (mostly just from being less active lately), but enough that it's started resting in places other than my gut or ass/thighs (Been enjoying the second one, btw). Anyway, I was in the shower looking at my chest and the fat that had settled over my pecs, and I realized that I *really* like the idea of having breasts 🙃.

Not in a generic "waow boobs" or a sexual fetish/kink thing kinda way. And not in an ambivalent "I wouldn't really mind/care" kinda way, either. I would be made genuinely happy by a small, A-B Cup (I think, cup size is weird) pair of breasts. Big enough to warrant using a rash guard/swim shirt at a public pool, but not so big I'd need something with cups (bikini top, etc.), y'know?

I don't really fell like I want HRT, plus I still like presenting fairly masculine (at least as a "default"), and I'd prefer the "cylinder stays in-tact" as much as possible, so HRT seems kinda off the table (and I'd want/have to wait until I moved out, anyway).

For additional context, I've also been interested in trying out some gender non-conforming stuff/behaviors in the past. Get me in shape, and get it tailored to my frame, and I think I could probably kill it in a black split-leg dress!

So, what do yall think? I probably won't do anything physical/medical anytime soon, but I'd like to try and clear up some of the identity stuff. What are some labels/communities I should look into? Any specific subreddits? Thanks for any feedback, and sorry again about the text wall!

Is it bad that I lowk get embarrassed when I remember I have girl parts as a tomboy? It's js I act like a guy and I'm very masculine so yk it js feels awkward to have those body parts. Maybe I have internalized misogyny or something. I'm not posting here cuz I think I'm trans. I had a period of time were I was wishing I was a boy so bad I couldn't shower and I couldn't even go to class cuz my body felt so feminine and it destroyed my motivation too do anything but I eventually found out I liked being a girl.

i highkey get dopamine from being called a guy or seen as a guy. (have for a long while) like not just a little dopamine, but A LOT. i have a second account on TT where people think i’m a guy and when me and my friend are on discord servers they all think i’m a guy everytime and it feels great being called a he or treated like a guy. its like that same dopamine i got when i was trans in middle school, especially when my friend plays along and calls me a he in those servers. like why was i SO much more confident when i was in my “trans phase” compared to now? i mean i love doing makeup and being girly and things, but i think about my looks constantly compared to when I was perceived as male. i was confident as fuuuck. the way women treat me when they think im a guy is great too, i get way more attention from them and way less attention from men which just doubles the dopamine. i sometimes wish i was a cis male or wish that i had a machine that i can switch from being a cis male or a cis woman whenever i want. idk, but i think im gonna stay anonymous on my discord and second account because when they call me he on those it feels so good, even though thats probably fucked up to lie like that. and then after my next two cosplays im gonna take off my eyelash extensions and start cosplaying full male characters too without genderbending them. i think that could possibly help a little, we’ll see. ive been feeling like this for a real long time, so i tried going by they/them a long while ago but that doesnt give me the same feeling at all.

something else thats more fucked up? when i think about transitioning to a guy it gets me excited, but then theres a big part of me thats still like “wait… no but i’d miss being a girl.” i mean what the hell? is this even normal?

Im AFAB. Ive always enjoyed my androgyny, and while identifying and transitioning as a trans man for years, in my journey ive rediscovered my love for femininity and better understood my relationship to gender - now identifying as genderless and transmasc in experience, have had top surgery and am happy with an inherently masc appearance. Ive had people who know im trans assume i was a trans woman, maybe because i love to dress on the more feminine side but can pass as a man. I dont mind that, but its certainly a little bit of a headfuck suddenly being (mis? idk)gendered in the way that people now assume i have a penis.

Now. Ive been struggling a bit recently with wanting my femininity and androgyny to be acknowledged, but in sexual settings, because of my transition i am not femme enough to be seen and wanted in that way - on the other hand, because i am feminine and have a vagina, i feel im often not wanted as a Man or masculine energy either, despite being vers and into masc play as well. all of this just trying to fit into the binaries i feel i have to work within socially, when i dont actually want to have to question what is masc or fem at all.

This is hugely generalising, and discounting the many queer folk who aren't bothered at all, but nonetheless it bothers me.

in gay men/straight woman settings, my femininity is offputting because of the lack of cock. in settings where people are looking for femmes (not specifically female, but femmes), i am too masculine because of my appearence - even when im actively presenting feminine! i cant seem to exist outside of gender in sexual contexts that arent queer or t4t.

I dont want to be upset about this, and i fucking love my pussy and my tdick and appreciate the beautiful queers i do play with - but i cant help but feel cursed by my vagina. if i was born a man and dressed and acted the way i do, and identified the exact same way - i cant help but feel like id be wanted more in my androgyny and how i can dip into each side of the binary. id be respected more in my identity or lackthereof.

of course the grass is greener on the other side and im just feeling insecure - i live in a small, pretty heteronormative city, and i know people just dont understand or view gender the same as i do, but im so tired of feeling unwanted or put into a box that i dont belong in. i have a cis boyfriend, in an open relationship, and seeing the attention and desire he gets from people who just arent into trans guys does make me self conscious (which sucks, but im learning how to deal with that comparison and disappointment) but on the other side, people who are into femmes dont want to engage with me because i do identify with my trans masc journey and the joy i get from my transition, despite me presenting femme, and identifying outside of the binary.

Wondering if anyone else feels like this? i dont know if theres any advice that can be given, i dont know what im even saying at this point. people have personal preferences and i will not be wanted by everyone. just wish i was wanted in more ways than chasers on grindr more often!

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post. Is it internalised misogyny if I struggle with my gender. As in disagreeing with it, yet feeling the urge to prove my femininity? For example, I'm not into some norms like dresses yet sometimes it feels like I need to wear them to feel "woman" enough or exercise my femininity. It's like the same way when a man can easily be stripped of their status of being seen as a man, except this time as a woman. Like if I don't act in some ways, I might be forgotten. If a man is downgraded, they have a status to fall under, but women tend to be forgotten and excluded when they don't meet some criteria. I don't like a lot of expectations that come from my gender but I do them sometimes because of fear of exclusion or being a target. Are there any studies, books or advice on understanding or coping with this? I'm cis, I just don't feel comfortable with some things because they usually come from either competing with other women or trying to attract men or being submissive. I'm not interested in all of them, I just want to be myself without being seen as less than for doing so. This doesn't apply to everything related to being female, just the norm of where I am.

There is a conversation around gender that keeps circling and never quite lands. And I think part of the problem is how quickly we reduce it to extremes instead of actually sitting in the nuance.

When a woman says she hates men, people react in very predictable ways. Some men hear it and confidently label her as a man hater. Some women hear it and understand it as shorthand for something deeper. Others immediately compare it to saying you hate women, as if those statements exist in the same context. But they do not.

Women are already navigating a world where they are more likely to be diminished, dismissed, or expected to be smaller. Men, broadly, are still positioned as more. Both are stereotypes. Both are limiting. But they are not equal in impact, particularly in western society.

For me, I do not hate men. I am tired of accommodating the same patterns and pretending they do not exist. I am tired of the gap between what we say society is and what it actually feels like day to day. At the same time, I do not believe in flattening people into labels.

I was reminded of that recently. I met a friend’s partner who had already been described to me as misogynistic. And when a woman says that, there is a reason people take it seriously. A lot of women have experienced enough to justify that instinct.

But then I met him. He was kind, engaged, and just honestly such a wonderful person.

The reason he had been written off was because he works for a company with limited maternity leave and when asked if he had challenged it, he said no. And that was enough to define him.

But that is not misogyny. That is someone existing within a structure most people do not actively challenge unless it directly affects them. I do not have children. I could not tell you what my own company policies are. Most people are not engaging with these issues at that level every day. This is where I think we are getting it wrong.

Women are not wrong to feel disappointed. A lot of that disappointment is built on repeated patterns, on emotional labour, on navigating spaces that still carry the weight of the patriarchy and the male gaze. That is real.

But not every man is consciously upholding that system. And not every failure to challenge it is an active endorsement of it.

Equally, men who respond with imagine if I said I hate women are missing the point entirely. Women are already judged and reduced in ways that are normalised. So the comparison does not hold the same weight.

And on the other side, women who completely write off men or turn that frustration into identity are also missing the point. Equality is not about rejection or superiority. It is about being able to see each other clearly.

The men I have in my life are a constant reminder of what this can look like when it works. They are not defensive. They do not feel the need to centre themselves in every conversation. They understand that acknowledging a system is not the same as accepting blame. And I think that is the shift.

This is not about hatred. It is about awareness. It is about being able to say something is not right without it immediately becoming personal. It is about recognising that most people are not the problem on their own, but the systems we exist in are still shaping behaviour in ways we do not always acknowledge.

We are not as far along as we think we are. I see that in everyday environments, especially at work. And I also see the opposite in my personal life, which is what makes it both frustrating and hopeful at the same time.

In my personal relationships, as someone in their early 30s, I do not really interact with combative people anymore. So it is rare that I have to explain myself or explain the patriarchy at all. But it is striking to me how often online, especially here, that defensiveness gets confused with inequality.

If you feel defensive about being incorrectly labelled or targeted, that usually means you are trying to be heard and understood. It means you feel dismissed. Which suggests the existing structure is not actually working for you either.

Trying to argue that through comparison is a dead end. Comparisons only work when the situations are equal, and this one is not.

So if you are a man who feels angry, dismissed, or even resentful, you are not actually benefiting from the system in the way you think you are. And that puts you closer to the experience you are pushing against than you might realise.

That is why this conversation needs less defensiveness and more honesty.

i am specifically talking about women who base their entire personality on hating men. these people cannot go a minute without bringing up men, it’s exhausting.

as someone who considers themselves a feminist, we need to stop doing this. i know it may feel nice and empowering to pour so much of yourself into hating men but it is counterproductive and harmful.

i am ALL for pointing out the problems created by men and the patriarchy. men are responsible for so much suffering and oppression across the world, but centering men in everything you do is the wrong approach.

also, i am not part of the “not all men” crowd, i believe that wording is detrimental and diverts accountability.

Hi.

I wanna say first that I could get wrong on some words, it's not hatred or anything, just a mix of being French (meaning lost in translation), and perhaps ignorance.

I'm a 32yo cis male, who sometimes likes to crossdress privately. I do it both for sexual purposes, but also because I just... like it. I like wearing a skirt, wearing small heels, and if I learned about it, I would shave my body hair and put a bit of make-up. For now, only one girl friend saw me crossdress.

Last night, I joined a munch to discover a bit about myself and learn about sexuality. I spoke a lot with a trans woman during that night, told her about how I feel about myself, and I said : "Yeah, I crossdress, but I still feel like a man, I'm not going trans or anything".
And she answered with a small giggle and saying "Yeah, you're an egg.". She explained to me about the egg (showing signs of transgender but don't realize it yet), and then said "You could also be non-binary".

The non-binary stuff turned a lot in my head last night and this morning, with something else coming in the train of thought : genderfluid.

So, I'm lost here : yeah, I crossdress and like women clothes, but I also like being a man, I'm not hating myself for being born that way.

So, what am I : still a cis male, a non-binary, or a genderfluid ?

You can ask me any questions if you think it would help me answer mine.

Perhaps I am jealous at their beauty? How they are naturally more valuable than I am. How they almost always have several if not even hundreds of guys to choose from in their finger tips. I am envious by how unfair it is that they are treated so much better and have way more options, yet we are still suppose to be “equal”. A woman can do anything a man can, so for me as a guy I’m pretty much useless in this world. The only thing I have going for myself is that I’m physically stronger, and I can pee standing up, but that’s about it. That’s all.