r/aromanticasexual

I discovered I was aroace at the beginning of this year and only came out to my friends last night while drunk. One of those friends is also an ex of mine.

They all seemed accepting but I couldn’t help but feel like it made them feel bad for some reason, especially my ex. Most of it might be in my head but it felt like I was telling them I had some sort of disease instead of getting congratulated for my sexuality. And it didn’t seem like they could relate to me at all, so they couldn’t really find it in themselves to care. I felt less repressed by saying it but it made me feel more disconnected from them than before (though I’ve been feeling that way already for a while now).

I don’t know why I’m feeling so sad, I feel like I’m usually an optimistic person but it’s been rough lately. I’ve been struggling with a lot of internalized aphobia and loneliness. Additionally, after I came out to my ex, they told me that they were seeing someone else and it just reminded me that I might die alone one day.

That’s about it, I’m not really that good at describing these feelings I’m having but hopefully it made sense.

i’m very sure about being asexual, i thought i was also aromantic but i’ve had relationships, the thing with this relationships is that the 3 of them were because of grooming and i have bpd.

if i think about romantic relationships and marriage, i was never even interested about it, i would always say “if it happens, good, if it doesn’t, even better” with the three people i have “fell in love” i never imagined a life with them, to me it was always “i’ll enjoy their attention” cause that’s what i like the most from a person, but i was never attracted to them itself or even like them lmao, it was just because they were older than me and they were giving me attention and what i perceived as love, they were making me feel important, now after a traumatic relationship with the last one, i began therapy, now i feel like “why do i have to like/love somebody?” that’s what makes me think that i’m either traumatized or an aromantic person with bpd so of course i’ve never known what romantic love actually is, now just realized it, because if i deeply think about it, i’ve never felt attracted or turned on by anybody and the idea of being romantic and shit towards anyone, makes me sick lol, i hated when this people who groomed me were being affectionate, i would always be like “bro, i just want you to rip your heart out and cook it for me, there’s no need to kiss me or say that you love me, don’t be weird”.

but yeah, am i just an aromantic with bpd that fell in the traps of groomers? or am i just demiromantic or burnt out after all of these experiences?