r/adultswithBPD

TW physical health issues

Even though my boyfriend is having surgery and struggling with his health, I can't stop the stress from getting to me and I'm splitting on him and anyone else around. I will be taking care of him and the whole situation sucks. I have to get up at 5am tomorrow (CFS and BI) then we're driving 40 minutes with his dad and dads partner (I get travel sick and hate driving in a car) to the hospital where we will be staying for at least 4 hours, maybe much longer. I will be stressed, bored, exhausted, and worried.

For this surgery we have cancelled our house move (planned for the day we foudn out the surgery would be, its urgent so we got very little notice and had to back out of a place we loved after getting accepted) and took time off work, which I can't get paid for.

Yesterday we did his fertility treatment as he may lose that during his treatment. At the appointment, the hospital called and rearranged his surgery from 730am tomorrow at a local hospital to 2 weeks from now at a far away one (there are 3 large hospitals in my city). Then we all cancelled our time off (me, him, his dad, dads gf, my mother) and rearranged our plans. Then, around 2 hours later, another call saying it will still be 730am tomorrow but at the far hospital. Consider the fact that neither of us or his dad drive and we all cancelled our time off. Emotions all over the the place, but I handled it.

But today was the kicker. My mother texted and said she won't be coming tomorrow as planned to give me a break during the long day at the hospital. she was probably going to drive us back too because his dads gf isn't staying so shed have to drive up there, back, then come back to pick us up so the fact my mam would be there anyway was helpful. I split on her. I honestly hate her for it. Then SHE backtracked on it and said she would try to come but by that point I'd had enough and was texting my boyfriend telling him I'm not going at all. The level of stress I'm already under and she pulls that? Bear in mind she's self employed so it's not like when I had to get the day off, cancel it, get it again.

I'm splitting on everyone and headed to a nervous breakdown. I'm at work today trying to deal with all this. Then surgery tomorrow with the early start and everything, then weeks of caring for my partner and a potentially life-changing diagnosis. Why my mother decided to add to that and make it all about her, I'll never understand.

On top of that, I even find myself splitting on nurses. When he went for a scan one of them basically made fun of me for thinking I could go in with her, so when she'd walked away I called her a bitch. His dad was there but I don't giv a shit when a nurse (usually ex-bullies) try to humillitate me, I'm surprised I didn't say something to her. If they pmo tomorrow I don't know how I'll handle it after how we've been treated and messed about.

Current situation, I plan to go but have told everyone I'm not, told my mother not to bother getting dogs because I'm staying home and told my boyfriend to stay at his dads. Emotions are extremely high. I have a sore throat and didn't get much sleep. I'm a mess ready to lose it

I have constant fear and restlessness that my favourite people might leave me. At this point in my life, I turned 29 last month. I have already been abandoned by everyone who mattered to me. Now I feel too drained for meeting or talking to anyone. I stay mostly indoors, don't have any job at the moment.
There is no one left whom I might fear, can abandon me at this point.
Have I conquered my Borderline Personality Disorder?
I still feel this restlessness but I don't know whom for?
Maybe it's for myself, am I my favourite? Am I afraid that I might abandon myself?
Am I really a survivor? Or just an imposter?

Did I think I’d ever make it here? Nope. And I’m exhausted. Tired of struggling, tired of feeling like this, tired of it all. And the universe is sending me hit after hit. I get back up and immediately get knocked back down. My best friend, watching it all happen… “why can’t you catch a break?” I wish I freaking knew.

My kids asked me today if they are part of the reason I’m still here. The 14 year old asked me. I said yes and no. Yes, because I love them so much and they are awesome kids. No because if I leave, they still have their dads and step moms. They are taken care of.

Idk the point of this post. Making it to 40 is possible? I’m still miserable though.

I was wondering if anyone could maybe give me some ideas on things I could do when I feel the urge to self harm so that I can catch myself and intercept before I reach the point of no return? Self harm usually comes with feeling pain or sadness. I do it to release hurt.