r/Unclejokes

On the third hole the guy slices it badly. He goes to the ball and pulls out a 9 iron.

“What are you doing?” his wife asks.

The guy says “I’m going to chip the ball back onto the fairway and continue my round.”

His wife says “No, No, No…look over there. See that barn? The doors on both ends are wide open and if you look through it you can see the green. If you keep the ball low, you can hit it through the doors and land on the green.”

So the guy takes out his 3-iron, lines it up and hits it low. However, the ball just misses the opening, hits the doorjamb and ricochets back, hitting his wife in the head, killing her instantly.

A few weeks go by and the guy is on the same golf course with his buddy. Once again on the 3rd hole he slices it and it goes to the same spot. He grabs his 9 iron when his buddy yells to him. "what are you doing?”

The guy replies “I’m going to chip back onto the fairway and continue my round”

His friend says “No, No, No…look over there. See that barn? The doors on both ends are wide open and if you look through it you can see the green.”

The guy replies "fuck that. The last time I tried that shot I got a triple bogey."

So I agreed. When I was finished she thanked me. I said "no problem. The pleasure was all mine."

He said “about 4 inches.”

White vans . 😂😂😂

I warned him it was dangerous but it just went in one ear and out the other.

His left hand caught fire.

So I went out and got her an identical dog.

She scowled at me and said "wtf am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

Panty-hoes.

The first woman reaches into her purse, takes out a pill and swallows it.

"What was that?" the other two ask.

"It was a vitamin C pill. I take one each day because I want my baby to be healthy and germ free."

They go back to their knitting when the second woman reaches into her purse, takes out a pill and swallows it.

"What was that?" the other two ask.

"It was a vitamin E pill. I take one each day because I want my baby to be big and strong."

They go back to their knitting when the third woman reaches into her purse, takes out a pill and swallows it.

"What was that?" the other two ask.

"It was a thalidomide. I just can't seem to get the arms right on this sweater."

He tells her to go for a few tests and come back in a week. When she returns he looks at the blood test and xrays and says "oh look at that. In about 9 months you'll be sitting at home changing diapers."

Shocked, the woman says "I'm pregnant?"

"No," the doctor replies, "you have stomach cancer."

Honey. Nut. Cheerio.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

Excitedly I replied "yes". She said "great I scheduled your colonoscopy for next Thursday."

There were signs everywhere that said don't feed the lions. So I didn't.

A cock-knee!

"John had his finger cut off at work today," she sobs.

The shocked mother says "the whole finger?"

The woman replies, "no, the one next to it."

As the grandfather rakes a portion of the dirt they notice a worm come out of a hole. The worm tries to go back in but can't.

The boy says to his grandfather "grandpa, I can put that worm back in the hole."

The grandfather replies "sorry son but it's just too soft and wrinkly it can't be done."

The kid insists he can do it, so the grandfather says "if you can do it I'll give you $5."

So the boy goes in the house grabs a can of hairspray and sprays the worm. Sure enough the worm stiffens up, loses its wrinkles, and the boy takes the now stiff worm and puts it back in the hole.

The grandfather hands the boy $5, grabs the hairspray and heads into the house.

About a half hour later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy $5.

The boy says "but grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

"I know," the grandfather says. "That's from your grandmother."

"Hang on and I'll get him, he's on the sofa watching TV."

3 rats are boasting about how badass they are

1st one goes: when they lay out poison for me I crush it up and snort it.

2nd one goes when they lay traps out for me I purposely trip and bench them like I'm at the gym.

3rd turns and goes to leave. 1st and 2nd look at each other and ask him where he's going.

"I gotta go fuck the cat"

Good thing she has an “air tight” alibi.