r/ToxicFamilyMembers

I am in college and have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 3 years. I commute to college now from where I live with my parents and I am off of school and working for summer break. My boyfriend lives with his family who are great and live much closer to my campus than me. So I told my parents for the fall semester I would go live with him and them to be closer to campus because I have many more classes. They are semi okay with that and know I love them and will always visit. I am the oldest and have been made the unofficial third parent for my siblings. So living at home I help cook and take them to school, which I enjoy the extra time with them but my brother who is a teenager gets to do whatever he wants. He is an actual toddler in a grown man’s body. Which means throwing literal fits when things do not go his way. My dad does nothing my mom tries to be his friend and never parents or gives punishment which is i guess how we got here. We all tip toe around his behavior and my mom just gives him what he wants to keep him from reacting. My dad does nothing to parent either, I have on occasion stepped in to give him and them a reality check (through therapy I rarely step in parenting or tell them what they should do anymore) but I am tired of watching it. I am sick of watching them let him, my siblings, and my parents run the house and their finances ground it stresses me out because I fear what they will do when they do not help themselves. I am sick of watching his behavior and nothing be done about it, I am tired of listening to the screaming and slamming. But I still love my family and I dont want to make them feel hurt or abandoned if I move into my boyfriends house early. my relationships with them have gotten so good recently and I feel like staying here will make them turn sour. I would like an explanation for why I move there early to give them to avoid fighting and pain. But idk

I had an online interview at 1:00 pm

My sister comes home from uni at this time

Our house is an open concept home so there isn’t any closed room that I can interview in. Also, my family is abusive and we mainly stay in our shared bedroom.

I told her when she comes from uni she can wait until i finish and come to the room, she finished uni around 12:40 and she started texting me that she wanted to sleep so she will sleep when she gets home, and i can take the interview she will not make a sound, i told her no i wouldn’t be able to concentrate plus she can wait only 30min until i’m done and then she can sleep, her sleep can wait she told me “why would i stay up when YOU have an interview” i told her because this is an important interview and her waiting 30 min would not even affect her or her sleep in anyway, she made it very clear that she doesn’t care about me, when i told you’re my sister don’t be selfish i would do that for you if it was you, and then she started typing relaaaxxx and she started calling me crazy and that i’m over reacting,

which she knows hurt me because I have struggled with mental health issues.

And sometimes when we get into arguments she would start saying you’re unemployed as an insult, thinking it would hurt me because I’m job hunting for two years.

Now I’m thinking she never liked me to begin with.

In the end, she waited outside but still that wouldn’t undo the shit she said to me or the stress she caused 10 min before my interview.

Further context on our relationship growing up, you don’t have to read this it’s just giving more context

My sister and I didn’t have a good relationship growing up my family physically abused my other siblings and me as discipline and she was their favorite so they never beat her.

When we would get into any slight conflict for any reason she would bring up my dad because she knows he would start beating me, she would always pretend that I made her cry and go tell him and he would come at me with full force and slap me

In our teenage years we got closer she became more tolerable not like she used to be.

In our 18-23 she started to get more annoying, she would keep calling her boyfriend around 4Am when i need to get up early for work or such, or she would play with him horror games and screams in the middle of the night, she became so self centered to the point that she stopped having conversations with me or spend time with me and only want to be with her boyfriend, i know it is normal to want to spend time with your partner but she seems to lost any interest in anything that is not her boyfriend

Either way i want to know if what she did is as bad as i think it is or am i sensitive.

Also, moving out is not an option. I’m from a cultural background that doesn’t allow women to move out.

​

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So basically, I am the eldest daughter. My brother has a girlfriend and my sisters have boyfriends. For some reason I’m not allowed to have one. My parents go through packages whenever I buy something and send it back if they deem it inappropriate for me to have. The look through my phones history and my spending history and shame me after. I will be going off to college this next fall but until then, I’m stuck at home. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m constantly gaslighted and shamed under the mask of “caring for me”. I’m broken and can’t escape. I’ve tried having them talk with me and a therapist but they refuse to change. What do I do? I feel so hopeless and alone.

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I don’t really know how to explain this properly but I feel completely lost when it comes to my relationship with my younger brother.

We used to be really close when we were kids. Then we went into foster care and got split up, and because of the different trauma and the distance we both went through, we drifted apart a lot. Years later, when we were both out of the care system we ended up getting close again and at one point I genuinely considered him my best friend. That’s why this hurts so much, because I know what he’s capable of being like. He was kind and caring and empathetic, he was so so funny, the funniest person I have ever met.

Recently though, it’s like something has just switched and I don’t recognise him anymore. Hes just not him anymore.

He constantly says hurtful things about me, puts me down, and acts like I’m a joke. He will randomly text me really hurtful insults for absolutely no reason, he’ll find any way to hurt me.

He does little things like he’ll ask me to hang out, I’ll go meet him, and within like 20 minutes he’ll suddenly decide he doesn’t want to be around me anymore. Instead of just saying he’s not in the mood (which I would genuinely understand), he says things like “I’d rather kms than be around you any longer” and then just walks off and leaves me there in the street.

He’s also really rude about my girlfriend, even though I’m in the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in and I’m finally happy, my whole family reacted weirdly to my relationship too and there’s definitely jealousy there, theres a lot of possessive behaviour which has already been hard to deal with.

Something that really messed with me happened recently. I was meant to meet him in the city while I waited for my girlfriend, but he said it was too much hassle so he didn’t come. I ended up sitting on a bench alone and I was sexually assaulted by a stranger.

When I told him about it the next day, he barely reacted. I met up with him and he asked what happened, but while I was explaining it he went on his phone and started texting people and wasnt listening at all or he would interrupt me in the middle of my sentences and make really insensitive comments. When I finished, he said “well I’ve been through worse so I win the competition” and basically told me what happened to me wasn’t that important or valid.

Him doing this isnt even surprising, hes started closing his eyes and covering his ears like a child when I speak and when I ask why he’s doing it he’ll say “well i do that when i just don’t care about what people are saying”

I do call him out on his behaviour. I tell him directly that what he says hurts me and I don’t appreciate it, or in those moments when he tells me he’ll refuse to listen to people when he doesnt care, i tell him to have a bit of respect and compassion for other people. That he can’t expect to walk through life treating people like their voices don’t matter and he will tell me hes within his right to treat people however he likes. When I pull him up on things he always deflects or turns it into something else and nothing ever changes. It feels like it’s no longer a situation I can justify by saying, aw he just is confused and didn’t mean it. he genuinely just doesn’t care how much he’s hurting me.

I love him so much, he’s my little brother, and that’s what makes this so confusing. I keep trying to be patient and understanding because thats who I am. I’m a genuinely decent person and have been there for him this entire time and have never tried to retaliate or been unkind to him. but at this point it feels like no matter what I do or how I act, it’s never good enough and he just keeps finding new ways to hurt me.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I don’t want to lose him, but being around him is starting to feel genuinely awful. I leave in tears every single time I see him.

Has anyone dealt with something like this? Is there any way to fix this, or do I need to start distancing myself even if I don’t want to? What do I even do? It’s so draining.

Hi all don’t know if this is gonna make sense but I’ll try my best, I’m a F Muslim Pakistani 21 year old still living with my family dad is out of the picture. Living with my mom grandparents and younger siblings. Long story short we live in a low income residence and our rent goes up every year due to all of our incomes combined and my mom recently lost her job so she’s struggling to pay the rent and now my uncle and mom is forcing me to quit my jobs so the rent doesn’t go up I’m heartbroken the only thing that keeps me sane is working in this toxic draining household i start uni in August which means I’m gonna be home most of the time trying not to kms. I have no words to describe how painful this is gonna be for me pls if anyone has any tips or any advice to get thru this lmk!!

Hey everyone. My cousin and I are the same age. Her mother always compared us to each other. I wasn’t allowed to go to her house, I wasn’t invited to any birthdays, and her mother also didn’t want her to come visit me.

When I was 18, I cut contact with her because it seems like those comparisons went to her head, and I became either her emotional dumping ground or someone she could look down on in order to feel better about herself. Because as long as I was doing worse than her, everything was apparently still okay with her and her life 👀

I went to therapy, have a good job, am continuing my education, have a great relationship, and amazing friends. I really pulled myself together and am making the best of my life.

Two years ago, she reached out to me again. I’m 25 now, just so you have a rough timeline. And I thought, okay, maybe she has changed. After all, in five years you can become a completely different person, right?

And then she unloaded everything: she has debt, no friends, had just gotten out of a toxic relationship, can’t cope with being alone, and so on. I let her talk. We were in daily contact, and I visited her. Then I started telling her about myself, and from that point on, she started acting weird.

She would leave messages unanswered for weeks, sometimes even MONTHS. I already had a gut feeling, but I couldn’t quite pin it down because we hadn’t seen each other enough. I really should have listened to my intuition.

She couldn’t, or didn’t want to, listen to me anymore. She only wanted to talk about herself. But then she suddenly found a sore spot: my brother, whom I no longer have contact with. She works at a food truck, and he was a regular customer. She constantly told me about him, even though I told her I didn’t want to hear anything about that person anymore. Suddenly, she was able to reply very quickly and regularly 👀. During conversations, she would set “traps” for me to get me to say something bad about him so she could pass it on to him. I don’t think I need to explain that any further; you know exactly what I mean. We’re not in this sub for no reason, haha.

At some point, I had enough and told her that I didn’t want to hear anything more about him, but that she shouldn’t take it the wrong way. That’s when the mask slipped even more. Her reply was: “I’ll only misunderstand you if I want to misunderstand you, and then you’ve already lost anyway.” Oh wow.

She uses third parties to speak badly about me, saying that in their eyes I’m “stupid/can’t do anything/fat,” and so on. If we’re being completely accurate, those are her own statements and views about me.

What she didn’t expect: I asked those people about it and confronted my cousin about it a few months ago. After a lot of “I don’t know what the problem is” and a lot of “I don’t understand,” she got angry, then acted friendly again a few days later, and then became demeaning again.

Phew, I could tell so many more stories.