r/ToughLoveAdvice

I hope you can understand what I have gone through? I am more worried than before. I can accept criticism to a point of limitation, would you rather be poked with a stick to be woken up or beaten by a bat? Honestly I had my work coach manager try in their own way to support me when all it was “tough love“ and criticising me with exaggerated examples. I suffer with anxiety and had moments of silence with my work coach, still responded but not as lively as she was. Because of this I was apparently destructing our coach sessions? After the manager was using harsh words like “destructing” it gives me the feeling of someone having tantrums or breakdowns but all I was doing is being more quiet and less active during my coach sessions. The manager also not one bit accepted my mental health “you can stop worrying! yes you can!” or “you can‘t come round if you feel down” those statements for “tough love” isn’t going to make me feel better (yes i am aware of my mental health) but it only makes me feel worse…. I really need this place to help me getting a job but if I am getting told off (what they said too) for not having a smile on my face, then it doesn’t make me feel safe….

need real advice and I really want help understanding what’s going on with me… judge me if you want, because even I don’t even understand it myself!

Everything started some time after I found out I was cheated on by my ex. It was a really ugly situation that left me quite traumatized, so in order to distract myself, I created a Tinder profile… yes, the truth is I needed attention and to feel like someone looked at me with desire. I couldn’t stand the pain of being deceived and replaced.

So yeah, I created that damn Tinder haha. I didn’t talk to many people—in fact, my profile didn’t even have real pictures, it was purely AI 😅😅 However, a very unexpected match showed up! That match didn’t take long to text me. It took a few days until we exchanged phone numbers and then (a few more days later) social media. I should say it took 2 weeks for our first date to happen.

That first date really impressed me because this Tinder boy was extremely polite, easygoing, respectful… basically everything Tinder usually doesn’t have 😅🤣 Then we kept talking, always staying grounded and taking things slowly, especially because he also went through a not-so-good breakup (he was cheated on too). More and more, our conversations started to make sense, and the dates too! By the third date we kissed, and on the fourth, we ended up in bed… okay, everything more than wonderful! Incredible chemistry, incredible moments together, and there is really good communication… There is care, concern… honestly, our vibe is anything but “I’m just here to have sex,” even though there is a lot of desire 🤣

However, I’m starting to get worried… am I doing the right thing? I mean, I get very attached, I’m quite jealous, and I have the bad habit of creating a lot of expectations and goals all at once, but I don’t want to show that. Especially because we have quite different lives and live almost half an hour away from each other. We are the same age, 27/28, and from what I understand, he knows well what he wants in life, but I still haven’t had the courage to ask what his more objective intentions are with me… out of fear!

Should I do it? Or simply continue enjoying the good thing we have right now? Am I confusing feelings because I met him at a vulnerable moment or is this person really affecting me? Should I stop here or continue with this good thing that came almost like a bandage for my wound?

[supprimé]

How to truly deal with feelings of rejection and/or not being chosen? I feel like I carry this burden with myself, a burden that's not even been there for long, like my ego grew out of control. It's seriously become a problem and completely distorted my perception of love. I found myself being attracted specifically to people who are unavailable, hard to get, taken, or simply don't want a relationship with me. I recently fell for a friend, and guess what, that happened exactly when I've realised that he's moving on from me and now it's too late. I know i have no right to be upset, jealous or feel rejected, cause he's been pursuing me for months and actively trying, and I didn't feel a thing at a time, because I was attached to another unavailable man.

I recall someone explaining to me why she was unable to leave her partner who was abusing her financially, emotionally, and physically on a regular basis. That in spite of all the reasons she could have left him, she stayed and continued to show him all the love she could give. In her defense, at least she knew she had done everything she could and had no regrets. She was waiting till she had nothing else to offer. And when that day finally comes, she may finally be able to let him go.

I just looked at her when she told me all she had been keeping inside. After a moment, I spoke and told her this.

"Do you not regret the years you wasted on a person who couldn't love you the same way? Do you not regret leaving, pushing away the people who truly loved you and wanted nothing but your happiness? Do you not regret that by the time you walked away from him, you'll found out soon enough that there's nothing left for you? No friends, no family, because you pushed them all away just to be with him. That maybe because there's nothing left for you to give, you might not be able to give love anymore to another person; the one who truly deserves it."

It was pure silence after that then I left her. We never saw each other again after that.

We were good friends, but I also reached my breaking point like the others. I realized there's no point in helping someone when they don't want your help at all. And there's no reason for me to continue being friends with someone who valued her abuser more than herself.

She didn't deseved the pain in the beginning but she deserved it when she stayed.

Would you have done the same thing?

I’ve known this girl since 7th grade, and now we’re in 11th. Back then, we were really close friends, but we lost contact for a while when we ended up in different classes.

This year, we were placed in the same class again, and after a 4-day school trip, we reconnected. During that trip, we realized how much we enjoyed each other’s company, and our bond quickly became strong again.

After the trip, I started developing feelings for her. I couldn’t see her as just a friend anymore. We began talking every night on FaceTime, making plans, even falling asleep on call together. She gave me a lot of signals—she prioritized me over her other friends and shared very personal things with me.

During that time, she often talked about how badly her ex had treated her and insisted she would never get back with him.

However, after a few weeks, she started running into him again at clubs and other places. From the way she reacted and interacted with him, I began to feel like she might also be developing feelings for him again.

But even though we still talk every day, the way she speaks about her ex has changed. Now it feels like she talks about him almost like a crush. She calls him stupid, but at the same time says she doesn’t want to lose him.

At this point, I feel stupid. It seems like I might have just been used for attention, and it looks like she might get back together with her ex.

Now I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

If I tell her how I feel, I risk pushing her back toward her ex and possibly losing her completely.

If I distance myself or ghost her, the same outcome could happen.

But if I stay and pretend to be just a friend, it’s going to hurt me a lot—and honestly, I already feel heartbroken.