r/BlackWomen

Same as the title.

I know I'm not conventionally attractive. My face isn't anyway.

I've been bullied a lot for my appearance, overlooked, and harassed online for it. I have never seen another Black woman who looks somewhat like me receive praise. I think it's called "featurism" that I've gone through.

People always tell me to look for Black women who "look like you", but no one does.

I've done a lot for my appearance. I've changed my diet permanently, cut out most meat (besides fish), stay active, do skincare, take supplements, and try to maintain my hair, nails, and oral health. I took all the advice people gave me, but it doesn't work because my facial harmony is garbage. I cannot afford facial cosmetic surgery either.

For a long time, I wanted to be like the other Black women online who were praised, beloved, and seen as inspo for their appearance + how they carried themselves. All of the women who get reposted online, in the main sub, etc. I wish that could be me as well.

I only wanted to be beautiful so I could belong and like myself. I wanted to exist without fear of being ostracized for my facial features.

Society values looks. Lookism made it seem as though beauty equals safety, validation, opportunities, positive visibility, and much more.

I feel like I'm not a woman.

I do not want to "embrace" my ugliness. I want to be like the other Black women my age that have beautiful faces.

Hey everyone, looking for some perspective from people who might have been in a similar situation.

I'm a freshman in college, almost 20. I've been largely self sufficient I'm on the dean's list, secured an RA position out of 200+ applicants, have an internship, run a small business, and have worked at the same company since I was 15.

A few weeks ago I sent my mom a heartfelt message about feeling depressed, unwanted, and alone. Instead of support, my mom got upset, told my dad, and he called and yelled at me for an hour and gave me an ultimatum follow his rules or leave. The "rules" I broke were going to a nearby college party once, spending time with my boyfriend, and researching summer housing options without telling them first.

Now it's finals week, move out is in 4 days, and they still won't give me a straight answer about whether I can come home. My mom keeps saying "you have security" but won't just say yes.

Here's the thing I actually have a solid plan to stay on campus. Summer RA housing covered, internship, multiple job opportunities stacking up, fall RA already secured. I like who I'm becoming here.

But I feel guilt, grief, and anxiety about choosing myself over going home.

Has anyone navigated choosing independence over a toxic home dynamic? How did you handle the guilt? Did it get better?

Edit: they also threatened my fafsa such as giving their info for it all while I have finals this week. Also like cutting me off so

I paid 10/11k of my tuition this year and largely pay for all my own stuff in 2 semesters I asked them for $30 and they paid a portion of one bill yet sent me an instagram post about children who are ungrateful and use their parents as bank accounts. I pay them to take me to work and they owe me over 2k

Please don’t flame me. I have no one else to speak to about this.

Preface this by saying, I’m attracted to and open to dating men of all racial groups.
I’m an unambiguous brown skinned lady , born and raised in the States and family is Southern African.

When I date minority men , I have significant problems. Most recently it was a Brazillian man who got weird about me not being “American American” and sent laughing emojis saying I look like I’m from Madagascar (nothing wrong with Malagasy people, but I did block him becase what’s funny???). He looked like he could have a fully black parent and followed very white ladies (when I saw this, I already planned my exit).

I tend to have this same or similar experience, where if I date a man who is not fully white, there seems to be an ingrained racial hierarchy in their minds, which is projected onto me or the dating experience, then when I don’t adhere to whatever invisible rules they have, they lose their minds. Same thing happened when I had a Mexican boyfriend (who yelled how police couldn’t arrest him bc he was a white boy - I was 17 and had to learn a lot of things on my own). He would get angry about me being in college and put me down by saying his people are naturally twice as smart as my people , especially because he speaks two languages. He later became a soundcloud rapper bragging about bagging a white girl. He has been blocked for years now.

My longest relationship was with a black guy, my college sweetheart. Sadly we did not last, but outside of him I have been called ugly to my face consistently by unambiguous black or mixed with black men my whole life.

It feels like some of these men can be physically attracted to me but hate that they are, and take it out on me at the same time. That or they genuinely believe I’m ugly and feel emboldened to tell me (from unambiguous black men).

I was open to all races of men but this has become so exhausting. The single group of men that have never behaved like this towards me are white men. I’m not pedestalizing them at all. I’ve had my fair share of toxic white men too. But never once has a white man had the audacity to tell me I’m ugly, project weird hierarchy invisible rules openly onto me or in our relationship or been afraid to be seen with / date me openly.

It’s a shame. I guess this is growing up. I came to terms a long time ago that my husband is probably going to be white. I genuinely feel attraction to everyone, but if non white men feel like they can “do better” by being with a white lady, I would rather choose peace and only date white. Safe to say, my Hinge has set racial preferences and all now, and I’ve been having a really good experience since doing this.

I had to get this off my chest.

So my friend told me she went on a few dates with a dude who was 19 a few months back and she was 25. She said it was cuz she wanted to do a hook up but ended not doing so cuz the dude was too young

But am feeling the ick/appalled even that she even went on dates despite not doing anything. I mean if someone told you they went on dates with a 16/17 year old, it'd be gross and its the same thing honestly as she went out with a child

So am not sure but leaning towards cutting her of or telling people tbh