r/AskAsexual

To be blunt, I am 18. I have never had sex or been in a relationship, or had a crush for that matter. For the longest time I have just assumed I am bisexual but all of my "crushes" have been fictional characters or celebrities, and a friend of mine recently pointed out that I might be asexual or on the ace spectrum, so I figured I may as well ask here

I do feel arousal. I get turned on by the idea of sex and I enjoy the idea of romantic love, but I don't enjoy the idea of being in a relationship or having sex with someone, as the idea of having sex with a person makes my kinda cringe in a way? I'm not necessarily disgusted or frightened by sex. The best thing I could compare it to is imagine you visit your friend and they are offering you a meal that you seen online. It might have looked tasty online, or even in that moment, but seeing it in real life and the idea of taking a bite makes you go "eh, no, I'm fine." Now just imagine that happens every time. Thats my relationship to sex, and romance in general.

I find men, women, etc, physically attractive but I don't enjoy the idea of being in a relationship or having sex with them. Like fictional characters for example; I enjoy the idea of being with them, but not even as myself, I usually fantasize about them with characters I ship them with or my OC's. If they magically became real, I still don't think I would want to date or have sex with them.

Apologies for kind of ranting. Pointing me in any direction would be appreciated, thanks

so I’m a 20 yr old male, I dont really like to put labels on my sexuality, but for the sake of the question I’m talking about me, a biological male having sex with biological women. I’ve always wanted, since I was 14, a huge family with a ton of kids (not adopting. I respect it, but I really just want kids that look like me and have my DNA) and I really just want to have as many kids as possible.

the thing is, a little bit ago, I was looking at a vagina while having some ‘persona time’ (usually I never actually look at one, i usually just look at the women or if I’m having sex Its in the dark because im scared of making a weird face or doing something equally embarrassing, so i dont usually see it when i eat it) and i was extremely put off. to give some context, i can watch porn while eating, and have a very strong stomach. I even run competitions for money with my friends to see who can keep eating while watching disgusting video, and I always win.

Looking at a vagina legitimately made me gag.

i thought it’d have to just be that one that made me sick to my stomach, but i kept looking at them, and it kept happening. I tried to look at diagrams of the vagina to see if I’m looking at some kind of disease, but they really just look gross. it’s like chewed up bubble gum with a hole in it, and crinkly, fleshy masses that stretch, with parts poking out sometimes, and it’s generally all around nasty.

i know i sound like an incel, but I’m genuinely scared to disappoint my girlfriend or hurt her feelings, but I’m scared i won’t be able to get hard or I might gag when we start. can I get tips on what to do?

before i (26F) met my partner (27M) now, i never had sex with anyone. despite actively masturbating and even went as far as buying myself a dildo, i was incredibly repulsive with the idea of having sex with another person. i hated the idea of someone touching me or seeing me naked. for the longest time i thought it was just my insecurities. and then i noticed that i never really agreed or disagreed with friends whenever they'd say that someone was "hot" or that they're getting "wet" when they see someone attractive. i never understood what that meant. how do you see someone and think "yeah i wanna do it with them" without so much as a hello to them? the more i thought about what "normal" people do (sex-wise) the more disturbed and out of place i felt. and then i came across a word that changed my life forever. asexuality. i researched about it obsessively, read every article i can find and talked to strangers i saw online who claimed they were ace. the more i learned about it, the more i started feeling like i maybe i wasn't as alienated as i thought.

i, however, did not immediately accept the idea that i might be asexual because, as i mentioned, i masturbate often. i watch porn obsessively. i have a damn dildo. the posts i see don't talk about that at all. i couldn't possibly be asexual with how hypersexual i was. i told myself the same lie over and over again, "maybe i just haven't met the right person yet."

until i saw this one tweet that said (non verbatim) "life is hard for an asexual who experienced sexual exposure at a young age. you identify as asexual but you act like a whore". then it clicked. i was exposed to porn and the concept of r^pe at a very young age (no, i wasn't graped but i saw an article about it when i was 7, asked my dad what it meant, and he said something along the lines of "it's just sex it's something couples do, don't read that you're too young" so i couldn't tell the difference between consensual and nonconsensual sex until i was 20). i got SA'd by my ex in our relationship from ages 14 to 19. said ex forced me to watch porn when i was 14 when i didnt even know how to kiss. i realized then that my "hypersexuality" was from what i went through and not my "sexuality" for a lack of a better word.

so from ages 21 through 23, i was confident that i was asexual. yes, my libido is high, but i am still ace. i've come to terms with it. when i met my partner at 23 (going 24) i was clear to him that i am ace and that i might never wanna have sex with him ever again after trying it a couple of times. it only took me a few tries to realize that i love having sex. not in general, just with him.

4 years into the relationship and i find myself much more... sexual/sensual. i love having sex with my partner, i initiate often. i masturbate nearly everyday if we can't have sex. everyday there's something sexual going on. and it got me thinking, can i still call myself asexual despite this? am i now demi-sexual? am i completely out of the umbrella now? i feel like im insulting fellow aces whenever i claim that im ace but as soon as i go home i drop my pants and do the horizontal tango. i try not to think of it too much but the idea has been so prominent as of late. am i no longer asexual? was the whole asexuality a "phase"? can i still be asexual despite the high libido towards my partner? i dont feel sexual attraction towards others the way i feel it for my partner, but now i sometimes find myself seeing a photo of a conventionally attractive person and going a little feral over it, like when an allo sees someone they find hot. i feel so ashamed sometimes for even identifying as ace still. but at the same time, thinking that i shouldnt identify myself as asexual anymore breaks my heart. i dont know what to do to help me figure this out. i know they always say that no one else can help you identify yourself but you, but at this point, i've been in such a roundabout thought cycle that im just hoping someone spoonfeeds me the answer, or at least hands me bowl to eat from.

any input will be immensely helpful and appreciated!! im sorry for the long post, i didnt realize how pent up these feelings were until i started typing.