u/tasteofhemlock

I was raised Catholic, and got super into Franciscan thought when I was in college.

As an adult though, I drifted away from any sort of belief, but still retained most of the Franciscan values system.

I briefly dated a Sikh woman and she introduced me to the religion.

I’m reading about it now and the similarities to Franciscanism are totally blowing me away!

So many parallels!

1. founders of each movement (Francis and Nanak) both rejecting their birthright of a wealthy life of the merchant class, and further rejection social hierarchies in general. Both insisted on being servants to the lowly, Francis hanging out with lepers and Nanak outright rejecting the caste system

2. to the emphasis on interfaith dialogue and learning, Francis meeting with Muslim Malik Al Kamil and Sikh world view that there is no “right” answer to religion, but that all forms of learning can help one grow towards God.

3. the rejection of vanity, often held as indicators of faith. Initiated Sikhs have articles of faith which feel parallel to Franciscan friars. Sikhs refuse to cut their hair, to celebrate the gifts God gives through nature, and to reject worldly vanity/ style. Friars did the second half of that in reverse with tonsures. Also, Sikh’s wear special undergarments to remind them to be humble and chaste, and friars wore habits.

4. Massive emphasis on charity/ volunteer work and selfless service.

5. A sense of brother/ sisterhood with all creation.

6. The spark of the divine in all people — even the lepers or the enemy. And a spark of the divine in all creation. The first bit of the Sikh texts that I read actually sounded a lot like the canticle of the creatures!

7. A commitment to stand up for what’s right. Sikh’s carry another article of faith, which is a dagger or sword, to remind them to always be vigilant against injustice. Obviously a dagger wouldn’t fit with Franciscan values, as Francis forbade the wearing of belts because they can carry swords. BUT Francis had dreams during his conversion of knighthood and a coat of arms, and finally traveled to the crusades specifically fighting (not with weapons but with his presence) against violence and for peace

I just think this is all pretty cool and figured I’d share!

Obviously, there’s a big theological difference in how each tradition views Christ, but they have so many similarities in how they each view the world, the universe, and God… also, many similarities in terms of what they expect of believers in terms of ethical living.

I think if Francis had somehow been teleported through time and space to land in North India to speak with Sikh leaders he would have come back very inspired by their practice, the same way he was inspired by meeting Malik al Kamil and went on to write “the Divine Praises” after learning the Muslim prayer “the 99 names of Allah”

Very cool stuff!

If you’re into Franciscan history or thought you should read about Sikhi too, it’s great to see such agreement between faiths that blossomed centuries apart on different parts of the world

I’ve got some stuff I need to work on and I think I’d be more comfortable with a woman therapist because I feel women typically have more emotional intelligence and authority around my specific issues than most men.

I’m a man, so I’m not trying to be anti-men or anything. I think men can make great therapists. But one of the things I need to talk about is the barriers I’ve built around physical touch, after being raped by a woman.

I believe this interferes with my ability to connect with women so a woman’s insights will likely be more valid than a man’s.

At this point I’m so scared of violating a woman’s comfort the way that woman violated mine that I can’t even initiate hugs, or any other physical touch sos I can’t really date.

Learned this the hard way by burning my chances with the greatest woman I’ve ever dated.

We went for a walk and ended up watching a beautiful sunset and all I wanted was to hold her, but instead I told her why I couldn’t yet 🤷🏻‍♂️

Also. I’m a single white dad with primary custody of three Black biracial kids and some of the other things I’d like to talk about in therapy are centered on that role. In this regard I’d have greater trust for a Black therapist than a white therapist, as I feel many white people can afford to be ignorant on race issues.

So is it possible to choose a therapist based on demographic or lived expertise?

I’m a white US-ican guy, raised Catholic, specifically Franciscan, but fallen into agnosticism.

But from what I can see, Sikhi fits with my world view and my values and I’d definitely like to learn more.

I was briefly seeing a Sikh woman whom I deeply admired, and she introduced me to Sikhi a little bit.

Anyway, I don’t want to ask her for guidance on this because she said she doesn’t feel I’m a good fit for her, and while she still seems friendly I know she has a packed schedule so I’d rather not burden her with questions about religion and etiquette.

My questions are:

1. Can anyone recommend a good/ authentic English translation of the Guru Granth Sahib?

I’d love to hear insights into which translations might feel accessible to a noob who has almost zero cultural awareness

I’m also curious where I would even go to buy a copy? Because the book stores near me are sadly empty of Sikhi texts or writings.

2. In terms of etiquette, would I be intruding if were to visit the local gurdwara? As an uninitiated and ignorant guy who’s trying to learn?

I’d be visiting alone, because other than that woman I don’t know any Sikh people, and I’m certainly not going to ask her to join me, because I don’t want to put any social pressure on her by inviting her somewhere after she said she wasn’t interested in seeing me. Also, for what it’s worth, I don’t think I would run much of a risk of encountering her at the Gudwara near me because she lives fairly far out of town and her fam is even further out of town, so if she goes to gurdwara at all, she’s probably not trekking over to the one in my area.

And if I were to visit the local gurdwara, without a friend to guide me would I understand anything at all? I imagine most of the practice is in Punjabi, which I don’t speak, but are the songs or readings/ discussions and things ever translated into English?

I don’t want to go somewhere and literally have zero comprehension, and I also don’t wan to go somewhere “uninvited” and make the community feel like a spectacle or anything.

I just want to learn some more, in the least intrusive way possible.

3. Are their other books or materials you recommend I research or look into?

Before she and I went our separate ways I had asked her for book recs and she did recommend Nikki Gunner Kaur Singh and Patwant Singh… so I’m adding those to my list. But I can’t find them locally and don’t want to support Amazon. And honestly, ordering them special through Barnes and noble is… kinda too expensive for me at the moment.

As of right now, the only books I could find locally were:

The Light We Give by Simran Jeet Singh. I’m about a quarter of the way through this book and absolutely loving it. He does a great job of making Sikhi teaching and philosophy accessible to a “non believer”.

And some poetry by Rupi Kaur (I understand her poetry isn’t directly focused on Sikh teaching, but I thought maybe Sikh values could be present there, and I may gain some insight in reading Sikh art, even if it’s less academic.)

Thank you for any and all guidance 🙏

Peace and good!

I felt so guilty about that, when the news broke, but how could I have known they were only adopting to give that little psychopath an animal so he could “get it out of his system”?

He does it and regrets it every single year, because it feels like a silent admission that he’ll never stick up for himself after all the cruelty she put him through growing up.

The man sniffs and wipes the powder from his nostril, then offers some to his nephew.

Bit of a happy rant. Flaired as venting because that’s all this is. I can’t call it a success story because that’d be premature.

But I’m having a good time and want get that off my chest lol

Some advice at the bottom :)

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This is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt this level of comfort in dating, and it’s kinda surreal. Like it almost feels wrong. Still I think it’s actually a good thing to not get the “dating butterflies”, because it means I can hopefully evaluate her more objectively?

And the weird thing is…

I know this sounds counter-intuitive, but…

… As much as I REALLY like her I kinda don’t care whether she likes me.

That’s not quite right….

I care what she thinks. Definitely.

And I really do hope I’m a good fit for her, because she’s exactly what I’m looking for in a partner. I legit love spending time with her and I like all I’ve learned about her from the times we’ve gone out so far.

But what I’m saying is I don’t feel any pressure whatsoever to convince her I’m a good fit: I’m always trying to grow and in that regard I feel inspired by her. but I don’t feel any need to change/ to “become” a good fit for her….

I’m just… not worried?

I’m definitely NOT saying that in a cocky way, it’s not like I’m thinking we’ll definitely “make it” or that I’ve got this in the bag lol

I’m just not worried because I trust her judgment.

I’ll explain:

Straight up, at this point if she were to tell me I’m not a good fit for what she’s looking for I wouldn’t hold it against her at all. Like if she decided to break things off I’d be bummed, for sure, but not heartbroken or destroyed.

Probably not even surprised. I think I’m a good person with a lot to offer, but that doesn’t mean I’m automatically what she’s looking for.

She could turn me down for any reason to no reason at all and I’d still just be rooting for her :)

And that’s an unexpected sort of peace, considering how much I like her.

she’s for sure the most impressive woman I’ve ever spent time with, I like her way better than any woman I’ve ever dated, and I feel legit optimistic about a future with her. When I say I’m not worried what I mean is: if we did make it I could absolutely see myself being really deeply satisfied, peaceful, and happy with her— for life. As in I’d enjoy being good to her :)

As in I don’t feel any apprehension on my part, as to whether this woman is worth my time.

It’s because I haven’t seen a single thing from her I dislike, rather i have seen so damn much that I deeply admire!

She’s got a great career, active in community service, she’s shows lots of empathy, she’s thoughtful, and I’m happy to say she’s smarter than me. we’re politically aligned, she’s a great conversationalist, she’s willing to call me out and be direct, she’s authentic and kind to the strangers and staff we’ve interacted with…. She seems to have a lot of wisdom and I trust her judgment. She’s also got a really calming presence, and a very attractive voice— a great sense of humor and a beautiful laugh. She seems honest… and I try not to let this matter to me, but she’s also legitimately so fucking pretty. Gorgeous I’d say. Part of the joy of being around her is just watching her and listening to her talk, I even like all her mannerisms….

ultimately she impresses me so much that I feel like I SHOULD be obsessed, fixated, and anxious to win her approval and admiration, but the truth is I don’t feel like I need anything from her.

I’m literally just rooting for her :)

And I’m thankful for the time she’s chosen to spend with me so far!

I want her to have a good partner, and with how awesome this woman is, i feel like she could literally have almost any man she wanted!

Now if what she wants long-term turns out to be me I will be cloud-nine thrilled!

Like I’d be beside myself and smiling for months on end! Because i admire the hell out of her and want to be around her more.

I’d love to be the guy who contributes to her peace and happiness— to be the guy she can look to for comfort, support, and companionship… but more than anything I just want this woman to have all that peace, happiness, comfort, and companionship that I feel she deserves…. from whoever she ends up choosing, even if that’s not me 🤷🏻‍♂️

Is that weird?

I think the thing is I fully trust her judgment. She seems to have high standards, confidence, intelligence, and self knowledge so I know she also has a high degree of discernment, and I trust she’ll make whatever choice is right for her and that’s refreshing af!

So I’m trying to just be me, putting out all the things right up front so she can get all the info, for a fully informed decision!

I mean I won’t go into all the details but I made a point of leading with all the stuff I thought may rule me out, early on: like being an avid dumpster diver, being a single dad, having a physical injury, some past traumas, etc.

I told her she can ask me anything anytime. Not in the hopes of ruling myself out, just in the hopes of getting things open so she doesn’t end up spending time on me unless the potential is real. If there is something that should rule me out for her, I’d rather she know right away.

At the same time I’m trying to evaluate her, as shrewdly as I can, but so far it’s impossible for me to find anything I don’t legit like or love about her.

The only hardship is our busy schedules, but if anything that makes me admire her more for her commitment and work ethic, and it just makes me want to take care of her and treat her to some fun and comfort and relaxation all the more🤷🏻‍♂️

Not to be crass, but…. when I’m interested in a woman, intrusive thoughts are a thing. But in this case, these intrusive thoughts are more tender than what I’m used to, and a lot of the time, if she crosses my mind I actually get chills.

If i day dream about her i think about cooking for her, cuddling, and combing her hair. I’ve never fantasized about any of that stuff with past women. It’s so out of left field I don’t know where it came from lol. And when more physical thoughts do pop into my head, all i fantasize about is making her feel good and cared for.

Suffice it to say, these are just way cleaner, and more wholesome than the intrusive thoughts I’ve had about past relationships— I think because I admire who this woman is and all I’ve seen of her mind and her personality. Big picture stuff.

And I know this is literally just a “happy rant”

I’m having a great time knowing her, but I know nothing is guaranteed.

I’m glad to be seeing her for now, and im ready and willing to be closer but again most of what I really feel is I’m just rooting for her to find the peace she deserves.

Anyway, rant done!

Perhaps I can offer some useful advice for others

A couple things here:

I’ve had some bad relationships, where I made excuses for people I didn’t really like across the board, because I told myself nobody’s perfect and I shouldn’t be shallow. And I’ve always been very adverse to hurting peoples feelings, so I’d accept behaviors I didn’t like, and stay with people to spare their feelings.

But some of those relationships were so bad I decided at this point in my life I’d rather be single than stuck with someone I wasn’t really 100% all about.

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Advice 1: maintain high standards! Not to excuse shallowness, but don’t compromise your values! If someone isn’t right for you, trust your gut. Don’t make excuses for behavior or people who do not align with you and what you’re looking for.

Advice 2: dating apps can be really toxic, awkward, and uncomfortable. BUT if you’re going to use one, absolutely make liberal use of the filters! Be as selective as possible to ensure you’re initiating contact with and spending energy on people who actually have a chance of meeting your standards.

Advice 3: be radically honest. Don’t hide anything (other than your social security number lol)! If your goal is to find your “forever” person, then radical honesty isn’t just the kind and respectful thing it’s also the practical thing. Being forthright helps you and your potential partner discern whether fits are good, before investing a bunch of time, emotion, or effort on what could be a doomed cause.

Advice 4: if someone seems too good to be true, don’t be afraid to give them a shot! And don’t sell yourself short.

I legit couldn’t believe it when I matched with this woman on hinge, because her dating profile was so good I thought I had to be getting catfished. Like how many stunningly beautiful, professionally successful, confident women are trying to match up with dudes who brag about dumpster diving???

Protect your privacy and your safety, but don’t be afraid to aim high and try to connect with the sort of person you can truly, deeply admire.

Advice 5:
Don’t over-invest or let yourself too attached to the idea of a person. Chemistry matters, but don’t let it over-rule your discernment. No matter how overall attractive a potential match is, don’t let yourself get swept up and away. Your goal shouldn’t be to chase, your goal should be to learn about potential matches, and evaluate them as objectively as you can.

I stopped eating dinners maybe 2 months ago, and I’ve lost around 20 lbs so far— down from 270 to 250.

My reason for starting this fast patter is I want to lose as much weight as possible, as quickly as I can before I have a surgery to repair an inguinal hernia.

I can’t really exercise to lose the weight, so I’m down to massively trimming back my calories.

So I eat breakfast every day, and lunch most days, but sometimes I’m just too busy and lunch turns into a big fat nothing burger.

I try not to eat anything at all after 2 pm, but if I’m especially active that day, I’ll bump it to 3-3:30 to make sure I’m getting extra protein.

Most nights I’ll have some kombucha or another beverage like a protein shake or coffee around dinner time, a little sugar to give me the energy I need, but more so a chance to feel like I’m still participating in family meals lol

And I break my evening fast for special occasions, date nights, etc.

Anyway, what I’ve found is:

1. My acid reflux which used to be constant is now pretty much gone.

2. I sleep MUCH better if I go to bed “empty” and wake feeling rested instead of exhausted.

3. My energy throughout the day is better, but I now get tired around 8-10 pm, whereas prior to this change I literally never felt tired at night.

4. My mental clarity seems to have improved.

5. My body feels slimmer. I’m still very overweight, but my face looks better (to me) my arms don’t feel as chunky, and my waistline has definitely a shrunk. The pants I wear are 40 inch waist, and they used to be tight, now they’re too big and they fall down while I’m walking.

So I guess I’m like a 38 or so now.

6. (And this is a big one) I have SIGNIFICANTLY less pain in my joints, knees especially. I also have less pain in my hernia.

7. I seem to have better digestive health, less stomach pain/ cramps/ bloating/ gas/ etc

8. I don’t feel as ravenously hungry as I used to! I used to literally feel hungry no matter how much I ate. Now I feel full after normal portions, and often put stuff aside as leftovers, whereas before that was unheard of for me.

9. I don’t snack between meals at all. This was kind of a conscious decision, less to reduce calorie intake, and more to build a more disciplined eating structure, but also to make sure I wasn’t filling up on empty calories. If I’m only eating 1-2 meals a day I really need to make sure the foods are high quality in terms of nutrition, and I’m conscious of that. The result is I don’t ingest anything that feels like wasted space anymore. I’m also better about taking vitamins, out of a fear I might have gaps in my nutritional intake

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Now, not all of these changes can be attributed to the change in diet. The well tested feeling and reduced pain might be separate. Around the same time I upgraded my mattress to a memory foam, and I think that’s made a big difference as well.

But I feel much, much better. I highly recommend giving intermittent fasting a try. This schedule works very well for me, perhaps it will work for you.

Would love to hear some recs for places that specialize in vegetarian dining :)

I’m also open to recs for places that serve meat but ONLY if their menu offers a good number of high quality vegetarian alternatives— think multiple dishes that are exciting in their own right, not just half-assed consolations for those who don’t eat meat!

I’m seeing someone whom I really admire and I’m making a mental list of places I might take her where she’d have really excellent menu options.

I don’t want her to feel limited to the one veggie burger or tofu afterthought that a place throws together!

Also, atmosphere matters, I’m looking for options that feel cozy, warm, and relaxing.

Her schedule is really packed, so I figure if she’s choosing to spend her time with me I intend to ensure that time can feel like a much-deserved break— a chance for her to relax and enjoy herself in a low pressure environment

Dairy options are welcome, so grilled cheese or pizza places might be good— also she likes spicy food :)

Currently my list is very short so I’m wide open to suggestions!

Red Fern
Wild Elephant
Lento

What other places can you rec?

And for vegetarians who have eaten at Proietti’s, would you rate them as veg-friendly? AFAIK they’ve only got one entree that is vegetarian (eggplant parm), but I feel like appetizers and pastas might present more variety?

If they’re not good, do you have a more veg-friendly Italian place I should look into?