u/sunfloweraquarius

First and foremost I want it to be known I support whatever reason Zayn’s tour was cancelled. Especially if it was due to recent health issues. However, I’m still sad. I was supposed to see in November. I couldn’t wait to pick out an outfit and even thought about doing a meet and greet. It was on my bucket list .Not to get toooooo personal on this but I am currently trying to be on my healing journey. Part of that was getting out and doing stuff i love more. I had a journal where I wrote down things I want to manifest and one of them was seeing him in concert. Silly me 🫠😂😭

So I heisted sharing this. I am still nervous because I am struggling wondering if my Mom really is/was that bad or am I just insane . WARNING: This might be a long post.

So all my life pretty much (i’m in my early 30’s now) my Mom has been toxic . I have always had a strained relationship with her. It all started when I was about 6 years old. The incident has stuck with me and always will.

One day my Mom asked did I want to go to the store. I was excited. I had just earned some money. I don’t remember how. It was a tied to some celebration. Either my birthday or Christmas . I’m not to sure.

We pull up to the store. It was a gas station . I run in being happy to have my own to spend . Mom said I can get a snack so that’s what I did. I grab a king size reese cup (comes with four candy cups instead of two) not paying attention to price. I run up to the counter . The clerk said I don’t have enough. I go to put it back and there is a cop . I remember what he looks like too. White dude. Medium built . Had shades on and had dirty blonde hair. He gave the clerk an extra dollar and told me to get what I wanted. I was happy. we get back to the car and my mom gave the cop his dollar back. She gets back in the car and rips into me. Bitching about the value of money. We get home and she grabbed a paddle to hit me. We had a screen door at that house on our front door. She had that closed but the actual wooden door was opened . She decided to spank me with the door wide open. It was broad daylight so anyone walking by could see through the screen door of me greeting whooped. She told me it was for not knowing the value of money. I brought this up years later when i was in high school. She told me “but it made you learn didn’t it.”

A lot of things happen after that. When I was about the same age she got on me about riding a bike . I didn’t know how to ride one till i was about 8 or 9 years old. We were driving down the road one day and saw a little boy who looked he could be younger than me. She started yelling about how that tiny little boy can ride a bike and I cant . I sobbed . I was a gymnast and a good one at that so you would think me defying gravity with what I do would out shine that. But no.

When I was around about 13 she was working and I went to a friend’s house. Let her know I went to said friends her. This friend was right up the hall in our apartment building. She always let me at this friend’s house too. She came home and saw I wasn’t home then came down the hallway. She told my friend to tell me come outside. I do and this woman had a belt in her hand. She beat me in the hallway from my friend’s apartment to ours. I remember pushing her off me when we got inside because she was just bitching when she approved of me going over to my friend’s house.

Her and my dad got divorced when I was 8. She constantly tried to to use me as a pawn to get back at my dad. She would try to control when I can see him . She would try to keep me from him at times. It was exhausting. There was one night I was supposed to go over to my dad’s after she came from choir practice. She purposely drove passed his street with a shit eating grin over her face like something was funny. She regretted that because soon as we got back home i made sure to scream at her so the neighbors could hear. Went off on now she just purposely did some mean shit like that . I was a preteen and at this point was getting vocal with her when it comes to her actions . She was very embarrassed. I didn’t care.

My senior year of high school I started earning money. I got paid like 650 or something like that a month. My mom automatically started bitching at me to give her money. Wanting to take over half of the 650 I learned. I told her no. I’m not doing it. She decided she didn’t like that so she called her pastor to get on me about it. The whole time her pastor is talking to me she is going off about where else I can live for 400 dollars. I still told them both no 😂. She tried this shit again when I was about 22 years old . I got a job at a fast food place . The first thing she tells me is that I need to help until she gets herself established. I told her i’m making minimum wage working part time. I can’t support the two of us like that. She got pissed and told my sister what I did so my sister in return bitched me out about giving my Mom my whole check. I told my sister to kiss my ass .

A couple years ago I decided to start going back to the gym. I was having a casual conversation about how she stayed so fit when she was younger . She told me that she was prettier than me when she was younger . As in “skinny” . I’m not big by any means she was just a size 2 when she was young vs me I was more of a size 7 or 8. I ended up going off on her and told her to never say that shit to me again.

I know the punctuation is absolutely terrible on this post. I’m sorry. I’m just in my feelings. I’m on my healing journey trying to heal my inner child. I feel my constant need for validation and being afraid to upset people came from how she acted. It’s my responsibility as a grown woman to go get help but i do struggle is there anything to even heal from ? A lot more has happened in my life with her. I can go on. This is just some of the shit that sticks with me.

She was religious btw….and wonders why I want nothing to do with church…

How do you think this will go? As a virgo moon I feel we will definitely end the night with some in depth talk lol