u/sillywillyfry

our baby was born March 28, so im entering week 6 and postpartum is not going well for me. I severely underestimated the level of difficulty having a baby is. I knew it was going to be difficult but goddamn. I have a past of dealing with depression and anxiety, and I suspect I might be neurodivergent and have cptsd (tldr I grew up with a very angry dad in a suffocating household. I feel it still affects me even at 30.) I always figured I wouldn't like the newborn phase but wow i really do not like it. I am even heavily considering being one and done because of it.

I also have a past struggling with self harm and suicidal ideation , unfortunately, in the last six weeks all those thoughts have come back.

I am experiencing some extreme postpartum rage and depression. Yes, I just finally contacted my midwife about it yesterday.

I'm just really going through it right now .

My mom passed away last year, and I am no contact with my dad. My brother has his own set of issues. so I also don't have that source of help.

My mother in law came from mexico in late April and has been helping us alot but eventually shes gotta go home, and I will be completely on my own again.

i want to start by saying that my husband DOES do alot, so i cant even get on here like alot of other moms do and start talking about "my husband is getting on my nerves because he does absolutely nothing." because that is not the case here. in some ways he does more than i do and is way more patient than i am. i was EBF the first month and he would wake up with me to change diapers and try to soothe him. so we were both sleeping horribly, and when he gets home from work he immediately takes baby and tells me to go eat and shower and whatever else i gotta do.

I still feel the discomfort and slight pains from my second degree tears so he is the one holding him and walking around with him.

anyway, the sleep deprivation and overstimulation is getting to me and making me, an already angry person, angrier. it is so ugly and i am not proud of it at all.

i just feel im at a mental state right now where i cant be alone for too long with the baby, i think i WILL hurt myself one day.

A friend of ours gets married in early August, I knew that my husband and his friends were going to do something for him beforehand, but see I thought it was going to be at the very most a one day thing. So he got a phone call with his friends the other day, and they're talking about going away for the whole weekend. So instantly I start getting panicked, and one of his friends keeps pushing further and further away the location of where they want to do this, and I'm just in awe that my husband is like "yeah we can do that"

Then I got aggravated when one of the friends mentioned, that one of them is down to do something. he just can't go away the whole weekend. (obviously because he also has a baby duh. DUH.)

(relevant detail: this friend does not always make good choices, his fiancé cheated on him emotionally first and he cheated back.)

So I'm here having a whole mental breakdown, trying to stop myself from harming myself from the panic. He asked what's wrong, and I told him I don't trust myself being alone with the baby for three days. And so began a three hour discussion.

Like I already said, I have a history with bad mental health and loads of issues. So its all an accumulation of years of things, plus the recent stuff.

He then started saying crazy things that made no sense, like sending me away to california for a year because maybe i need to see my mom's family and get closure, then he said okay maybe a month not a year. then he asked me if i think going to a psych ward would help. he has negative opinions on antidepressants but then he said he doesn't care anymore, if i want to take them then he is okay with it now. then alot of edging on the line of us splitting up someday without saying it straight up.

the following morning he told me I could also go to mexico with his parents that they would take care of me and baby. i thought he meant for a month, i told him I wouldn't want to be gone for a whole month. he said "a month? it would be 3 months. my dad comes back september so thats when you'll come back too." and honestly i have zero idea why he thinks sending me off with baby, to a country ive never been to before, in the hottest time of year (i hate hot weather) with people I feel really awkward around and mask the hardest around would help my already bad mental health at all. so i basically went mute since he brought that up and haven't spoken to him really unless it's about the baby.

we have a relationship with traditional gender roles, that's how i wanted it (he doesn't have an opinion on it. if i wanna work he is fine with it. if i dont, hes fine with it.) and how we have been living. and it's been good. even then, he's never complained or gotten angry or anything when I ask for help. trust me, i grew up in a pretty toxic household where my dad sucked the life out of my mom. husband and i were generally doing well all things considered. so yeah, before baby was here I would speak big talk about how I'm gonna be this super mom, how he doesn't have to even help me at all. that my mom was able to do all the childcare by herself and enjoyed every second of it... yeahhh, then I actually gave birth to our baby.

having him a whole weekend away sounds like literal hell to me, especially WHEN IT WILL BE AT THE CUSP OR BEGINNING OF THE FOUR MONTH REGRESSION. i am barely hanging on as we speak because i at least have the guarantee that he will be home after work and i wont have to be alone with the baby anymore.

I cant even eat when he's away at work because the baby constantly needs me to be near him and we have 3 cats (2 of which he refuses to rehome despite being problem cats) so I am nervous to leave him alone for longer than like 5 minutes.

He said I will be fine and that this SAHM thing is literally my job. that he is already doing so much and has done so much, and he is working outside the home so I don't have to work outside the home, and the check barely supports us (which is true) and he isn't going to continue pausing and changing and stop living his life when it doesn't even make much of a difference if at all when he does (he has changed alot of himself in our relationship, while I struggle still with alot of my issues and traumas.). that he IS going to this trip and that is final. that bringing up that our friend who has a baby isnt going is not a good point because that friend makes stupid decisions so why would he follow what he does. that he values and works to protect all his relationships and I knew this always, that we both adore this friend so I owe this friend this and whatever (he is merely a good acquaintance of mine at most. his friends are his friend. his family is his family.) that i need to accept already that his family is my family and yadayada.

Since this baby was born, he has been talking like he can pick up fishing and dnd pretty damn soon. I told him of course he is gonna keep doing these things, just probably not the first few months or year. It's like he took that as a challenge. His mom is here now, so that's why I havent exploded on him, because baby is being taken care of by mom plus me. but as soon as his mom flew in he went to go fish, i was fine with this. all I asked for is that he didn't go too far. he went far. he also immediately resumed his dnd sessions, just leaving the baby upstairs with his mom, but he seriously thinks he is going to be able to keep doing dnd when she leaves. i got tired of discussing it and am going to leave it at "ok just watch and see how poorly that goes for you then." (he does dnd online)

I didn't really have a life before baby, no hobbies, no friends, no family anymore either. So I can't even go "well I had to sacrifice alot in my life too." because that isn't true.

and I repeat, he IS very hands on and involved with our baby. but it seems like if he can find the opportunity to bail on us he will take it without a second thought and it's kind of, really, annoying.

I am just stuck on the fact that it's a final and done decision, I will be completely alone with baby at a bad period of his growth. I feel I am going to die.

I usually run to defend my husband because he really is amazing, he is patient, caring and loving. We have been together since October 2019, married since 2022. He has seen me at my worst of worsts and my best. He has held me through all the tears I had to give about my dad. He offered my brother help when he became homeless. And he was there with me when my mom passed away, he was driving me to see her every single day at the hospital and when she went to hospice he was driving me a whole hour away and sometimes staying overnight with me when it was getting really bleak, and he was literally there with me when she took her last breath and i collapsed to the floor in hysterics, he was there to help me through it all. He was patient with me my whole pregnancy, he was hands on and helpful through that AND labor and delivery. He isn't a bad man, he truly is wonderful.

The only issue we have is uhh, none from his part actually, for once in a relationship im in - im the more problematic one. But hey, humans are flawed and I did keep hearing kids change everything even a marriage, so something was bound to eventually go bad i guess. This probably is the most selfish-ish he has ever been in our entire relationship. I don't think he shouldnt go get to do things but god damn does he immediately take any opportunity he possibly can now to go do things, and just tells me I will be fine when I express any panic. I mean he has this saturday off and since it will be warm he already decided he is going to go fish and take our nephew with. "it will be fine because mom is here" he says, mind you he already was gonna go do something in the afternoon i told him im okay with him going, actually im the one who thought of the idea, he is going to go with his friend to some card game tournament, I just requested I can hang out with his wife who also has a child because I don't want to be alone.

I did sign up to be a mom, and had some big talks about how I am never gonna be away from my kid, that this kid will be my whole life yadayada. but it's one thing to say it, it's another to experience it. I am NOT my mother so I have no idea why I thought I would be able to do everything she did. Like, OBVIOUSLY the only way now is to lock in and get through it, like okay well the kid needs me, it doesn't matter how badly some days I don't want to do it anymore or that sometimes i have moments regretting this. DUH, I have to keep at it. but I feel I am on the edge of hurting myself every single day from the stress.

(kinda makes me laugh he says if we were to break up one day, it's okay if I want to leave him primary custody because of how bad my mental health is. sure, actually id probably do that. but this is the same guy that wants to keep doing all his hobbies and see his friends like he used to before btw.)

I have a 5 week old, i tried breastfeeding but i just absolutely hate it. It makes me miserable I think its the root reason for my PPD.

i kept being told to wait out to 6 weeks of doing this, well i did. i still hate it. if anything i find it more stressful because he has begun latching and delatching himself frequently during feeds and im just over it.

since my mother in law has been back in town, she sometimes takes baby for the night so we can sleep and thus sometimes had been given him a bottle of formula!

it seems hes finally accepted a bottle can be thrown into the mix and doesn't automatically get angry afterwards anymore. (we tried twice before to bottle feed, but while he would drink the milk, he would get angry afterwards & be inconsolable.)

i finally began pumping last week since id wake up absolutely engorged and in pain when my MIL takes him for the night, which means we get one bottle of my own milk for her to give to him at night too

so i began wondering if its possible i just pump and feed him bottles of my own milk sometimes and formula sometimes and how do i go about this

I feel bad because I have begun telling my little 5 week old how angry I am, and sure he doesn't understand it but I feel like im repeating the cycle. but I am tired, and sometimes I do regret having him. I am so stupid thinking I could do this! I am so stupid thinking I could he this amazing mom like my mother was, knowing damn well that I am more like my dad angry dad. I tell him these things and then I cry because he is literally a baby, he aint ask to be here, but he is here, no take backs, it isnt his fault him crying or hurting my nipple or getting fussy is aggravating me. that's all me, BUT I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CALM DOWN.

i feel so ungrateful too because my husband has been doing alot, and my mother in law takes him for a few hours at a time, sometimes even full nights since shes been back to visit. but even with all that help I CANNOT HANG! it's like clearly I just want someone else to take this baby from me and im no longer responsible at all.

im struggling to feel a bond and love for him. i only really feel obligation to take care of him.

Im typing this because he refused to stay latched on me and then he got the hiccups and i felt i was gonna lose my damn mind. I laid him down next to me because i was getting angry, and all he was doing was hiccuping anyway, not crying, im just letting him ride out the hiccups.

im so frustrated i dont know why the hell i did this to myself. this actually probably is the worst mistake i have ever made because there is no take backs, only going through it

i wish i could relapse on harming myself so bad then id have an outlet to release the emotions on myself, sometimes i wanna run into traffic so i dont have to deal with this anymore

I have a 5 week old so I have an understanding for now I should probably just keep doing what I am doing (though it's stressing me out...) during the day I feed him to sleep into his naps, and he falls asleep in my arms but I am able to lay him on the bed next to me. but I am terrified to leave the room for too long,actually, I only dont freak out so badly right now if I have to get up and go pee or run to the kitchen to get water because he is fresh out the cooter new, he cant roll or crawl or anything yet.

but I HAVE stuff to do, I gotta clean, I gotta cook, I can't just lay here next to him forever. it just isn't feasible in the future. I have a mess piling up and it's stressing me out (and im the one that wants to do it. i have had husband and other people offer help in this way but im actually struggling with PPD that I actually prefer people to hold my baby while im the one that gets cleaning done but like, they can only hold him for me for so long till he is fussy and needs to be fed again.)

(I also gotta include the detail that we rent in a basement, that can and has flooded so we cannot get a floor mattress unfortunately.)

I also have tried baby wearing and he doesnt completely hate it, but he cant stand it for very long, he freaks out badly eventually and then refuses to be put back into in the same day after he freaks out

my mother in law tells me he should be fine if I just leave him in bed while hes sleeping but it makes me nervous. that she coslept with all 7 of her kids and this is normal. baby actually lets grandma put him down in the bassinet too though, but not us for some reason. because shes told me i could also just take the bassinet with me to the kitchen because he does sleep in it (yes m'am, for you 😵‍💫 not for us lol)

what to do... what to do...

im a pre-planner so id like to know what should I do in the future

we actually dont want to cosleep forever, we are just doing this right now for our sanity. we wanna try building the crib in a month or two and see how that goes... (but im not very hopeful it will be a success.)

Our son turned a month old on Tuesday and I feel broken, because I think I don't feel a bond with him, and I often question if I even love him. I feel I am only continuing to care for him (obviously) because I am legally obligated to. But sometimes I have thoughts like "damn at least with pets you can rehome them..." it's so cruel.

I feel so disconnected from him, I don't think he likes me very much back either (which is a stupid thought, he cant even think like that yet.) I am happy to hand him over to anyone else that wants to hold him, and I dread when the visit is over and he has to be handed back to me, it doesn't help that when he is handed back to me he immediately starts crying and then I feel like a cow because I know he always and only cries like that with me because all he wants from me is milk. I also hate breastfeeding, and again, I feel selfish because while I see other moms say they hated it from worrying if their baby is fed or not or worry about their supply... my hatred for it is because it is physically uncomfortable and it depresses me that he is 110% dependent on me to be fed, no one else can help me.

we tried formula like 5 times in the last month, my husband and I agreed I could at least try combo feeding so I dont completely give up breastfeeding, but don't have to wear myself out only breastfeeding. Well, while he drinks the milk, it seems he is furious afterwards that it came from a cold lifeless bottle and not me, so he is inconsolable and my husband attempts to soothe him but 30 minutes of screaming becomes an hour, an hour becomes 2 and by then he has to be fed again and all 3 of us are tired and I gotta give in and present boob again. Yes we tried with pumped milk too, finally tried this last week... while he drinks it, he hates its coming from a bottle. (and we tried 3 different bottles so far.)

anyway back to the topic at hand

I dread my baby and I feel so gross because of it, my patience is obviously being tested & I feel so much rage and I of course don't react to it because he is literally a baby, he isnt doing anything but act accordingly to his age.

I sigh in relief when I finally am able to put him to sleep, and dread when he wakes up.

my husband is very hands on when he gets home from work, and his mom is in town right now so sometimes she helps too... and I feel like an ungrateful prick because even then, it still isn't enough??

I feel so stupid for thinking I would be able to do this, and obviously it doesnt matter because I have to LOCK IN because this is undoable and no matter how miserable I feel, I still don't want to cause another generation of messed up kids here. This is still a little innocent human being damn it. I just struggle to feel a bond or love for him for some reason.

We are also cosleeping, which I also do not like doing at all, but crappy sleep is better than no sleep. Besides it being very uncomfortable, my anxiety is on high, I didn't intend for this to happen but he HATES his bassinet and I feel you can't be a good or even a decent parent if you're running on absolutely nothing, and it definitely isnt good for a baby to not sleep at all either. So here we are. We will be trying to build and present the crib in a month or two, but honestly? I don't have any hope it will be successful and we will just be stuck cosleeping for a while.

I get even more depressed when I see moms who say cosleeping saved their life, or that for them breastfeeding IS whats helping their postpartum depression. I wish I could relate to bad but all of this is probably just making my depression worse.

That is the other thing, I feel like it will be like this forever, no light at the end of the tunnel. Like it will remain bad or get worse. It doesn't help when I see posts on the parent subreddits of babies who got WORSE or stayed the same and just seem to hate life entirely. I want to believe all parents that say it gets better or that a bond and love will develop soon enough but I am terrified it wont be that way for me.

(wont even get started on how I hate my body and because I need to be with baby at alll times, at least until my husband is home from work.. when in the hell am I supposed to fit in working out once the 6 weeks are here? because by the time my husband is home im barely able to eat for the first time and I am exhausted to do anything...)

I am 5 weeks postpartum, so I have a 4 week old newborn and wow this is ROUGH!

Before I got pregnant my husband and I agreed we would have 2 kids in the future, with a 3.5-4.5 year gap. We agreed to this gap because me personally? I am not built for that 2 under 2, 2 under 3 life. I have heavy respect for the parents who can do it because I could not do it, it sounds like hell to me. I would ideally like the older child to at the very least be able to form some sentences and be potty trained and yadayada.

ANYWAY

So i had my first baby a month ago, March 28. I knew it would be life changing, and be hard... but wow did I severely underestimate just how difficult having a baby would be! I have no idea why I thought having a measly associates degree in early child development and having worked with kids for a few years was "good preparation" for this! because nope! i was NOT prepared! oh if my mom was still here id tell her "remember how you would tell me taking care of someone else's kids for a few hours is NOT the same as having your own kids? and i said 'hm yeah i know' NO. I DID NOT KNOW." (and then she would probably hug me, but she passed away last year... which is also why I believe this newborn phase is eating me alive!)

I have no idea what I am doing! It is so nerve wrecking, within 2 weeks I changed my mind about not having people around me. I have no idea what im doing and im overwhelmed like, yes! PLEASE hold my baby! whenever someone offers help to me I immediately agree to it so I can have any form of a break!

My pregnancy wasn't fantastic, I was vomiting for most of the pregnancy and previous acid reflux issues I had just got worse in pregnancy and the heightened sense of smell made it all worse, but beside that, i did not mind all the other pregnancy symptoms at all! so yeah maybe I could do pregnancy again! (to me newborn tired is 10x worse than pregnancy tired, because while the sleep wasnt great, at least i was able to sleep for more than 2 hours at a time AND TAKE NAPS WHENEVER!)

Labor and delivery weren't a dream, obviously it was still painful... but yeah I could probably do that again too!

but the newborn phase?! oh my god, just thinking about having to do this all over again makes my dark thoughts darker.

I have begun wondering if we should just be one and done. granted we also say "well, we have 3-4 years to decide..." my husband says he wouldn't mind having another in the future but he is also okay if we just have this one child, and that if we just have one child certain aspects of our life as a couple and as a family might be lighter if we are one and done.

but we both did want to try again in the future for a girl... (obviously it's whatever if we have another boy but I know some people might understand this.)

but yeaahh, going through insane sleep deprivation, the crying turn screaming, the worry if this fragile human is okay, the postpartum depression, the horrendous breastfeeding journey, the postpartum rage, the thoughts of self harm, etc, jesus christ i dont think I could do this crap again!

people say that it seems terrible because this is so new! the experience is new, it's something ive never done before. so the second time isnt as bad because i know more or less what to expect.

i also see people say they also thought their bad pregnancy or bad postpartum experiences made them think "never again!" and then later changed their minds and are happy about it!

I am hanging on hope that everyone who tells me it gets better is right. but I also constantly see posts on parenting subreddits that it actually gets WORSE or it stays the same and it seems never ending even a year from now. that their baby just HATES LIFE and is always screaming and upset. I am terrified.

so i was wondering if anyone here changed their mind later and had a second kiddo or decided "yep, this newborn phase? never again! one and DONE!"