u/rb-04

I've been on T for nearly 3 years (although I recently found out that my PCPs have been butchering my care the whole time... so I've switched to planned parenthood and I'm having my levels checked soon) but I really don't pass at all, no matter what I do. I buzzed my hair and realized I still have no chance at passing. I want to go to the gym today but my gym pants don't look masculine at all, and all of my shirts are too baggy and cling to my hips. All of my tank tops make my frame look feminine and don't hide the binder at all. I had very long hair for a few years and I haven't binded since I was like 15. Now that I have a binder again and a more masculine haircut, suddenly I care a lot more about passing again because it actually feels like an option, and if I'm read as female even with short hair, I'll feel like my entire transition is a failure. What can I do?? All of my clothes fit me wrong. It just makes me want to relapse and stop eating so I get thin again. I know I don't actually want that, and I want to build muscle, but I'm too embarrassed to even go out, let alone to the gym. Now that my head area looks less feminine, if I wear my usual clothing I feel like I look hideous... I have no clue what to do. I look like an awkward trans teenager again in everything I put on. I hate it. I feel even more dysphoric with short hair. What's wrong with me?

I'm disabled so I rely on SSI (less than 1k per month) and EBT (less than 300 per month). I live with my partner and our friend. Most of the groceries are covered by me, and then typically my partner will start paying for them once the EBT money runs out. I buy food as well but I can't afford to much at all with the amount of money I get. My roommates are both poor too, but make more than I do.

Grocery shopping is such a hassle because none of us drive. Nearest shop is Safeway, which is expensive. We try to shop at Trader Joe's if we can get a ride, but lately we've stopped trying to do big grocery shopping days and have just been occasionally getting something we've run out of at Safeway, and ordering a lot of fast food. It feels like when we do go grocery shopping, it feels great until we run out of food immediately and have nothing to cook for meals the following days...

I don't understand how people know how much food they need for a certain amount of time, or how they afford it. Like, if I get chicken breast or ground beef, that's great.. for one or two meals. And then what? Am I supposed to be buying 7 packs to last a week? How can anyone ever afford that? I feel like I'm failing here, but I can't comprehend what magical secret thing everyone else is doing or how others manage to cook 3 times a day, everyday, AND afford the food for that? What am I missing?

I get overstimulated and overwhelmed very easily, and sometimes I start talking in a way that sounds angry or aggressive when it's really a feeling of desperation. I can raise my voice or yell too. My partner is also autistic and suffers from PTSD, and I know that my meltdowns stress them out. Especially if I raise my voice at them. I don't mean to, and I apologize every time it happens, but I'm scared that because it's autism, this isn't something I can change. I have no control over myself when I'm having a meltdown and it feels awful and embarrassing. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum. What can I do?

One of my favorite foods to cook is pasta, and I typically use parmesan cheese in the sauce because it's less bad for my lactose intolerance. The problem is that the cheese seems to immediately get stuck to the whisk every single time and is impossible to clean off without a huge hassle. Is there anything I could be doing to make it easier? I know I could use a spoon but I use a whisk for the rest of the sauce to mix it properly and dirtying two utensils for the sauce feels annoying. I'm also not sure if a spoon would properly mix the cheese in anyway. But that's more of a cooking related question than cleaning. If anyone knows anything, I'd appreciate advice!

I had my first appointment with PP the other day, and it went really well. I've been on testosterone for almost 3 years (Gel starting June 2023, then Subq shots starting Feb 2025) and I've switched my PCP a couple of times because of either mistreatment or incompetence in regard to gender affirming care. My last PCP advised me to completely stop taking testosterone for a full month in order to switch from gel to shots. From my own assumption, and talking with other trans people, I understood this as very bad advice which could have caused me a number of health problems. When I confronted her about it, she acted very condescending and defensive, and then she had me switched to a new PCP without my knowledge. In her notes for the appointment, she wrote "They express difficulty understanding dosage adjustments and administration instructions, and question the provider's knowledge about gender-affirming care."

I'd been meaning to make an appointment with Planned Parenthood for a while, but it felt too overwhelming and I wasn't sure what would happen with my prescription or if there'd be any issues. My new PCP told me she doesn't have a good understanding of HRT either, so I finally made an appointment and it went really well. It also opened my eyes to how much my HRT has been butchered by my regular doctor's this entire time. Not one of them told me that it's important to get bloodwork done on specific days, so that it's in the middle of the hormone cycle. So they very well may have had inaccurate results for my levels the entire time. My last PCP told me my levels were too high and lowered the dosage, but now I think she might have been completely wrong. I got a folder full of information that I was also never told about, and a packet on how to do injections (actually including Subq) while I had to learn from a Youtube video when I started because my doctor's office refused to let me do Subq or acknowledge that it's an option at all.

I also found out recently that injecting almost an entire syringe worth of fluid may not be necessary and the discomfort of that could have been avoided if they had put me on 200mg/mL instead of 100mg/mL (if my understanding of this is correct). I was always so confused why I'd see other transmascs who pass really well using such a small amount of fluid in their shots and why I have to do so much. Is this something I should bring up at my next PP appointment?? Or am I missing something?

I live in Oregon and I assumed I'd get better care from my PCP in this state but apparently not. I'm really distressed about how much they messed it up for me. It feels like the last 3 years were wasted because I haven't got the results I expected by now.

All this to say, make sure your doctor knows what they're doing, and go to Planned Parenthood if you can because they do great work.

I've had Anorexia Nervosa for many years of my life. I'm 21, FTM, and for the past 2-ish years I've gone from recovery attempt back to relapse over and over every couple of months. It's been taking a toll on my body and my mind to eat so little, lose weight very quickly, and then reluctantly start eating normally again, only to repeat this cycle. I've been underweight, and I'm at a pretty normal weight now (every time I attempt recovery, my weight goes back up to what BMI considers "overweight" but I know is a normal weight for people my age)

What caused my most recent relapse in February was my doctor putting in her notes about my appearance that I looked "slightly overweight" ... it caused me to spiral into an obsession with losing a lot of weight before seeing her again to prove something.

I'm attempting recovery again, and I've got a gym membership. I really want to try to put on muscle and get bigger in that way to see if that can help my self-esteem more than trying to be underweight. I'm just worried it won't work, or I won't be able to be consistent enough because if I can't do it, I know I'll eventually relapse. I can't stand just looking the way I do normally. I need to either have more muscle or be very thin to feel okay with myself. I've tried recovery so many times and I'm scared that it'll never actually stick. That I'll be sick forever.

I've never been apart of a recovery space. I've been involved in pro-anorexia spaces (no, it doesn't mean promotion of anorexia and you've probably been misinformed..) since I was a young teenager, so this feels a bit intimidating. In the forums I'm in, I know I can feel and talk about whatever I want. Recovery spaces are notorious for giving people a hard time if they're not doing perfect in recovery or if they relapse or if they talk about anything too triggering, which is why proana forums were created in the first place. I want to give one a try though. So I'm here. I hope I can talk with some folks going through a similar situation.