u/notazombiecdn

I want to hear about your biggest dreams! How did you get them? Where are you at with them? Tell me all about your passions!!

I work nights. Looking for some good chats and conversations. Slow burn style. Random questions and tangents welcome!

Context: My parents divorced when I was 3. My dad remarried when I was 7. There is 8 years between my half brother and I and 12 years between my half sister and I. My biological mother has never really been in my life, and as such my step mom is who I consider to be my mother. Also, I'm a lesbian and the only queer person in my family.

Okay so, I have always been "closely monitored" by my father since as long as I can remember. I didn't do well in school (bio-mom drama/trauma from her/incredibly bored at school), my mom (step mom) was a teacher and therefore I was required to be the best growing up in school, which eventually made me hate it. I was reading chapter books in grade 1 and expected to write half page book reports in French and full page reports on English books. I ended up not finishing high school. I was never allowed to go to sleep overs with teammates for sports (only school friends), my life was school, home to help with my siblings, and sports. My siblings, never had any of this at all.

Come to my 20s, I decided I wanted to try broadcasting, I moved provinces and felt my first taste of freedom. It was incrdible. I moved back after 2.5 years in broadcasting. I fell out of love with it. I went back to my first passion Law Enforcement and have been working in it since 2017. I love my job, I work 12 hour shifts and also have a chronic health condition that makes me very tired so my recovery days are spent at home. In my mid teens to most of my 30s every winter I would volunteer coach with my dad and sister. The first few years I wanted to do it, then I started realizing I've never really traveled and I want to do that. We never went anywhere as a family. Just the cabin every weekend (which I didn't go to often once I could stay home alone because it was a pretty remote area and not much to do as my siblings aren't near my age). So, I started trying to tell my dad listen I don't really want to do this anymore. My dad's idea is "family is everything" you drop everything for family.

I have never felt like a real part of that family in my entire life. I was raised by 3 different families essentially, my dad, my maternal grandparents, and for a very short period of time my biological mother. My views and experiences have been drastically different from my siblings and as such, I have different views. They all work "regular" jobs (8-4 M-F). I work a high stress, long shifts, social battery draining job and I began to start getting panic attacks between the feeling of being guilted into seeing family when I wasn't sleeping and exhausted from work and then having to work again. This is a constant. They make plans on one day, and if I can't make it because I'm working, it ends up being my fault (I work a rotation...there is no "choice"). Recently I've taken the stance of "me first" as my health has really been faltering and I've focused more on maintaining my meds, supplements and resting/rehabilitation in attempts to maintain a better lifestyle and haven't seen them a lot. I received a text today asking when I would be around next and I said Mother's Day. It was replied with "we would like to see you sooner" which now feels like I'm going to be interrogated. I explained that I work 60 hours this week and next week I have shifts and appointments (also working nights, I'm usually not awake when they are ..so???). Also, I usually work most STATs because its double time and a half for me which is big, big money. I am usually greeted with "I wish you wouldn't work on the holidays, you don't know how long any of us will be around".

I am quintessentially the Black Sheep of the family. I'm a lesbian, I work in a field that any of my family has any interest in or even remotely understand, I have tattoos and peircings (my family has none of that "it's a waste of money"). Other than sports we have nothing in common. I came out at 15 ...so we're almost 23 years in and my parents still ask if I have a new "friend". It's honestly exhausting.

I'm very tired of being guilted into things. I constantly feel like I'm a terrible person for wanting to do my own thing after countless years of family worship. I've given up solid relationships with partners for family because I thought it was the right thing, I feel like a garbage human a lot. It's been about 2 months since I decided to start making "me" better and honestly the weight that has been lifted is so freeing, but I am dreading the text I receive in the morning from my father about why they want to see me sooner. My brother and sister have never ever been guilted or shunned for doing things. They never had school "requirements" they were allowed their significant others in the house overnights. My father has given my sister 4 cars now, my brother also received a car, I was required to buy my own. There's a plethora of things. I'm so tired.

I do see a therapist, we do talk about this. I really just neded to vent and seek others who may have been in this situation? I'm so very tired of being controlled. I'm even seriously looking at moving overseas and leaving the job I adore because I can't handle the suffocation anymore.

Thank you if you made it this far.

Context: My parents divorced when I was 3. My dad remarried when I was 7. There is 8 years between my half brother and I and 12 years between my half sister and I. My biological mother has never really been in my life, and as such my step mom is who I consider to be my mother. Also, I'm a lesbian and the only queer person in my family.

Okay so, I have always been "closely monitored" by my father since as long as I can remember. I didn't do well in school (bio-mom drama/trauma from her/incredibly bored at school), my mom (step mom) was a teacher and therefore I was required to be the best growing up in school, which eventually made me hate it. I was reading chapter books in grade 1 and expected to write half page book reports in French and full page reports on English books. I ended up not finishing high school. I was never allowed to go to sleep overs with teammates for sports (only school friends), my life was school, home to help with my siblings, and sports. My siblings, never had any of this at all.

Come to my 20s, I decided I wanted to try broadcasting, I moved provinces and felt my first taste of freedom. It was incrdible. I moved back after 2.5 years in broadcasting. I fell out of love with it. I went back to my first passion Law Enforcement and have been working in it since 2017. I love my job, I work 12 hour shifts and also have a chronic health condition that makes me very tired so my recovery days are spent at home. In my mid teens to most of my 30s every winter I would volunteer coach with my dad and sister. The first few years I wanted to do it, then I started realizing I've never really traveled and I want to do that. We never went anywhere as a family. Just the cabin every weekend (which I didn't go to often once I could stay home alone because it was a pretty remote area and not much to do as my siblings aren't near my age). So, I started trying to tell my dad listen I don't really want to do this anymore. My dad's idea is "family is everything" you drop everything for family.

I have never felt like a real part of that family in my entire life. I was raised by 3 different families essentially, my dad, my maternal grandparents, and for a very short period of time my biological mother. My views and experiences have been drastically different from my siblings and as such, I have different views. They all work "regular" jobs (8-4 M-F). I work a high stress, long shifts, social battery draining job and I began to start getting panic attacks between the feeling of being guilted into seeing family when I wasn't sleeping and exhausted from work and then having to work again. This is a constant. They make plans on one day, and if I can't make it because I'm working, it ends up being my fault (I work a rotation...there is no "choice"). Recently I've taken the stance of "me first" as my health has really been faltering and I've focused more on maintaining my meds, supplements and resting/rehabilitation in attempts to maintain a better lifestyle and haven't seen them a lot. I received a text today asking when I would be around next and I said Mother's Day. It was replied with "we would like to see you sooner" which now feels like I'm going to be interrogated. I explained that I work 60 hours this week and next week I have shifts and appointments (also working nights, I'm usually not awake when they are ..so???). Also, I usually work most STATs because its double time and a half for me which is big, big money. I am usually greeted with "I wish you wouldn't work on the holidays, you don't know how long any of us will be around".

I am quintessentially the Black Sheep of the family. I'm a lesbian, I work in a field that any of my family has any interest in or even remotely understand, I have tattoos and peircings (my family has none of that "it's a waste of money"). Other than sports we have nothing in common. I came out at 15 ...so we're almost 23 years in and my parents still ask if I have a new "friend". It's honestly exhausting.

I'm very tired of being guilted into things. I constantly feel like I'm a terrible person for wanting to do my own thing after countless years of family worship. I've given up solid relationships with partners for family because I thought it was the right thing, I feel like a garbage human a lot. It's been about 2 months since I decided to start making "me" better and honestly the weight that has been lifted is so freeing, but I am dreading the text I receive in the morning from my father about why they want to see me sooner. My brother and sister have never ever been guilted or shunned for doing things. They never had school "requirements" they were allowed their significant others in the house overnights. My father has given my sister 4 cars now, my brother also received a car, I was required to buy my own. There's a plethora of things. I'm so tired.

I do see a therapist, we do talk about this. I really just neded to vent and seek others who may have been in this situation? I'm so very tired of being controlled. I'm even seriously looking at moving overseas and leaving the job I adore because I can't handle the suffocation anymore.

Thank you if you made it this far.