u/missyou-

hai lil people in my phone again!! late post today since I spent the night with my bf (and sleeping some)!

nothing much new has happened, nothing at all really... but I'm home alone for about a week which is nice!

now for the thing I wanted to talk about today... sometimes when my boyfriend gets upset by something, I just feel so helpless. I can't do anything physically to comfort him because of our distance, I never really know what to say, and I'm paranoid I'll mess up and make things worse. yet still, I always feel drawn to needing to comfort him.

and I do love helping him with stuff, I'm glad that he is comfortable enough with me that he will talk to me about his problems, and I wouldn't change a thing about that. but I'm not sure what to do when I feel helpless, he gets upset, I don't know how to make it better, I feel like it's all my fault, and it all spirals...

I want to always be able to make him feel better, why can't I? :<

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ✅/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Monday, April 20, 2026

hello lil people in my phone :333

posting a bit earlier today so that I can go back to sleep early, because my boyfriend wants to talk later so I need to get my sleep to wake up again for him! :3

first off I should probably address the elephant in the room... why the f*ck is there an elephant in the room? /s

the real thing to address is that when I went to my doctor today, just got back actually, and when I told him everything that happened yesterday and some other things that you nice people suggested I mention, he agreed. so I had to get some help from them but they figured out a way for me to get into a phycologist, but I'm going to have to wait 4 weeks. good news though, the phycologist is at the same place I go to for therepy! so on the 5th of May I'll be seeing a phycologist instead of my usual therapist for a DID evaluation.

I'm still not completely sure how this all works, and I got some explanation from my doctor but not a ton so I'm hoping to do more research later! though if it's not too much to ask, if anyone who has DID or any other dissociative disorders, which I think there were one or two last post, have any better and maybe dumbed down way for me to understand it, I would greatly appreciate it!! <3

I think that's pretty much it for today... I've been sleeping for most of the day, went to the doctor, and now I'm going to go back to sleep for a bit!

genuinely thank you so much everyone, your advice has helped so much especially to calm me down when I was panicked last night.

*hugs*

you guys are the best! well... right behind my bf, but still. :p

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ✅/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Sun

day, April 19, 2026

I'm really freaking out right now... sorry if this post is typed poorly...

I woke up this morning, stayed in bed for a while, talked to my beautiful boyfriend as usual, everything was pretty normal. Then around mid day I felt like I was about to pass out, not for any apparent reason, just got super light headed and everything got a little blurry and stuff, and boom, blacked out.

Already very very weird, but as of about 30 minutes ago I found myself in the car with my dad on the way back from a store... apparently in the middle of a conversation with him, which is also weird because I rarely ever talk to him and almost never have a full on conversation, much less about cars (which is what we were talking about apparently)?!?

I have zero recollection of anything between there though, I passed out and then almost 5 hours later feel like I'm waking up but I'm in the middle of a conversation and apparently I also cut the entire yard and did a good amount of school work, as well as talked to one of my friends. I seriously don't remember any of this... it's really really really really worrying me but I don't know what to do and it's really really really really really worrying me.

I didn't sh while I was "passed out" so that's good, but it's still weird because I was doing stuff the whole day and I don't think I was even in control of it. I'm also weirded out because I was actually talking a good amount to people apparently, which is odd for me because I'm autistic nonverbal. and on top of that a conversation about cars generally bores me, and I know almost nothing about them, but I was in the middle of a full debate with my dad on how cars worked?!? and then I read all of the conversation I had with my friend and most of it is pretty normal, but then there's a random message asking what my friends name is near the beginning... which I clearly know and I've known it for years now! why would I ever need to ask that?

anyways... sorry... I'm just very confused and none of it seems to be adding up... I don't wanna tell anyone really because they'll probably just tell me I'm possessed (which I'm starting to think might be true with all these signs)... I asked my friend and he said I definitely seemed off. I'm genuinely thinking I might be loosing it, or that I'm actually possessed.

I'm so freaked out by all this it's really scary... does anyone know what this might be? am I hallucinating or something? please tell me.

I'm also going to walk to the doctor tomorrow sometime to ask about this all because I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me.

in better news uh... I'm officially at 31 days (one month) clean from suicidal thoughts!!! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ✅/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Saturday, April 18, 2026

I'm really freaking out right now... sorry if this post is typed poorly...

I woke up this morning, stayed in bed for a while, talked to my beautiful boyfriend as usual, everything was pretty normal. Then around mid day I felt like I was about to pass out, not for any apparent reason, just got super light headed and everything got a little blurry and stuff, and boom, blacked out.

Already very very weird, but as of about 30 minutes ago I found myself in the car with my dad on the way back from a store... apparently in the middle of a conversation with him, which is also weird because I rarely ever talk to him and almost never have a full on conversation, much less about cars (which is what we were talking about apparently)?!?

I have zero recollection of anything between there though, I passed out and then almost 5 hours later feel like I'm waking up but I'm in the middle of a conversation and apparently I also cut the entire yard and did a good amount of school work, as well as talked to one of my friends. I seriously don't remember any of this... it's really really really really worrying me but I don't know what to do and it's really really really really really worrying me.

I didn't sh while I was "passed out" so that's good, but it's still weird because I was doing stuff the whole day and I don't think I was even in control of it. I'm also weirded out because I was actually talking a good amount to people apparently, which is odd for me because I'm autistic nonverbal. and on top of that a conversation about cars generally bores me, and I know almost nothing about them, but I was in the middle of a full debate with my dad on how cars worked?!? and then I read all of the conversation I had with my friend and most of it is pretty normal, but then there's a random message asking what my friends name is near the beginning... which I clearly know and I've known it for years now! why would I ever need to ask that?

anyways... sorry... I'm just very confused and none of it seems to be adding up... I don't wanna tell anyone really because they'll probably just tell me I'm possessed (which I'm starting to think might be true with all these signs)... I asked my friend and he said I definitely seemed off. I'm genuinely thinking I might be loosing it, or that I'm actually possessed.

I'm so freaked out by all this it's really scary... does anyone know what this might be? am I hallucinating or something? please tell me.

I'm also going to walk to the doctor tomorrow sometime to ask about this all because I feel like there's something seriously wrong with me.

in better news uh... I'm officially at 31 days (one month) clean from suicidal thoughts!!! (⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ✅/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Saturday, April 18, 2026

hello again all you kind people in my phone :3c

since I feel good today, free hugs for everyone!!! (⁠つ⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)⁠つ

anyways... I slept pretty well last night, woke up a few times to check in with my bf, and woke up normally this morning for once. managed to cheer him up a little bit since he was upset, which made me really happy because I like making him happy so much!! we had a conversation about not having arguments, just disagreements, so no voice raising or anything else. he kept thanking me for agreeing to it but honestly I was actually planning on bringing it up soon anyway since I'm horrible with arguing. plus I could never live with myself knowing I intentionally made him upset... that would be horrible. my morning was nice, I just laid in bed and talked to him a little, really nice morning actually!

unfortunately it didn't last, as per usual my mom yells at me literally the moment I get downstairs, I'm honestly not even sure what about because I had a breakdown immediately again... and as soon as she finished and I calmed down enough to stand up again, I really, really wanted to relapse. I almost did it, but I kept thinking about all my recovery stuff... so instead I went outside and told myself I was going to run and I wasn't allowed to stop until the urges were gone.

safe to say I spent almost 5 hours running today... so I got to run 19 miles instead of relapsing, that's kinda cool I guess! I literally only got home a few minutes ago and took my shower, so nothing else has happened, just waiting on my boyfriend to wake up, and I'm probably going to do my flexibility training for a while after I'm done writing this all so that I'm not terribly sore tomorrow morning!

oh and uh... I'll put a picture of a pretty flower from somewhere near the end of my run today! if you don't see it and you really want to for some reason, check my other posts because you're probably on a subreddit that doesn't allow it <3

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Friday, April 17, 2026

hello again all you kind people in my phone :3c

since I feel good today, free hugs for everyone!!! (⁠つ⁠≧⁠▽⁠≦⁠)⁠つ

anyways... I slept pretty well last night, woke up a few times to check in with my bf, and woke up normally this morning for once. managed to cheer him up a little bit since he was upset, which made me really happy because I like making him happy so much!! we had a conversation about not having arguments, just disagreements, so no voice raising or anything else. he kept thanking me for agreeing to it but honestly I was actually planning on bringing it up soon anyway since I'm horrible with arguing. plus I could never live with myself knowing I intentionally made him upset... that would be horrible. my morning was nice, I just laid in bed and talked to him a little, really nice morning actually!

unfortunately it didn't last, as per usual my mom yells at me literally the moment I get downstairs, I'm honestly not even sure what about because I had a breakdown immediately again... and as soon as she finished and I calmed down enough to stand up again, I really, really wanted to relapse. I almost did it, but I kept thinking about all my recovery stuff... so instead I went outside and told myself I was going to run and I wasn't allowed to stop until the urges were gone.

safe to say I spent almost 5 hours running today... so I got to run 19 miles instead of relapsing, that's kinda cool I guess! I literally only got home a few minutes ago and took my shower, so nothing else has happened, just waiting on my boyfriend to wake up, and I'm probably going to do my flexibility training for a while after I'm done writing this all so that I'm not terribly sore tomorrow morning!

oh and uh... I'll put a picture of a pretty flower from somewhere near the end of my run today! if you don't see it and you really want to for some reason, check my other posts because you're probably on a subreddit that doesn't allow it <3

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Friday, April 17, 2026

I'm going to try to get back to posting daily, but I'm going to keep my posts shorter and a little less detailed for now, ty for understanding! <3

Today was a relatively good day, I felt like I was dealing with my separation anxiety problems pretty well, and I went most of the day without having any breakdowns! But ofc then my mom got home and just... ruined everything... starts by walking in the door with a list of chores, tells me she forgot to give the list to me before hand, then asks me if I've done my chores yet?!? like no?!? I didn't even know I had chores until you handed me this list!

so she decides that's unacceptable and just blows up... so she throws a fit about how she "has to do everything around here" and how she "feels like a servant to me" (mind you she had been out with her friends the entire morning while I had been doing schoolwork, AND I was actively doing the chores while she yelled so that she would maybe stop sooner, which after about two hours (and throwing a glass bottle across the room) she did finally leave me alone.

then an hour ish later after cleaning up the glass and finishing her entire list of chores, while she was drinking the entire time, I finally decide to sit down to read a book that I've been looking forward to all day... and not even 40 seconds in a swear she just comes barging in screaming about how lazy I am and how I never will make it in life because I have no work ethic. I was already lucky to be able to get through the last yelling without a breakdown, only because I had headphones on so I didn't actually have to listen too much and I read some messages from my bf over and over to try to calm myself down. but this time I had no headphones, no phone to read his messages, and no plushies (they also calm me down :3), so I just go into meltdown immediately. and when I have a meltdown/panic attack thingy because of someone yelling, my brain just like... completely shuts everything off, so I just sit there crying in a ball. I'm already autistic nonverbal for the most part, but I usually try to talk to her (otherwise she gets really mad at me) even though I hate it, but when I start panicking, or whatever happens when I get overwhelmed and my brain tries to hide itself, I just completely lose any ability to talk, no matter how hard I try I just can't say anything. no idea why, but any time this happens, which is almost always because of her, she gets really angry and says stuff about me being useless and that if I can't talk I don't deserve to be around any people. this ofc just makes me more upset so I'm basically paralyzed without being able to move or communicate anything until she goes away.

every single time this happens I have to convince myself she's wrong about what she says about me, and I have to spend hours usually just to get back to semi normal because it upsets me so much. I hate it and I wish she would just go away... I never ever want to see her again after I'm 18. I hate that no one else can see what I see, she's so good at pretending everything is okay, pretending she's a great parent... it's all a lie and she knows it, but she just keeps doing it and I'm not even sure if she knows how bad she is, she just thinks it's okay to do this. she never respects any of my boundaries, not even privacy just while I'm showering, while I'm asleep even, or just to let me have any freedom to talk to people without her watching everything. I get having some restrictions for your kids, but this just seems like too much...

i almost feel bad for her, I'm sure something bad happened to her too that made her act like this, but I don't think it's any excuse.

just my thoughts... but I want to know, maybe I'm completely wrong about this all and she's fine? she keeps trying to convince me she is and I'm starting to think maybe I'm just crazy and this is actually normal like she says...

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

My goals are as follows;

therepy ✅

CPS ❌

dispose of blades ✅

1/2/3/4/5/6 months suicidal thoughts free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12 months SH free ⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛/⬛

ask ✅

✿-♡-✿-♡-✿-♡

This account is for documenting my journey to recovery, I will make a post every day, updating on my situation.

Thank you for reading this all...

I'm going to get better, somehow.

I love you, you know who you are.

*hugs*

- casper

Thursday, April 16, 2026