u/mattgaz597

My (F30) ended the relationship with my boyfriend(M46) of 10 years because he admitted to loving his therapist.

He had a very rough childhood with his single mom. As a result he has very significant identity level trauma, C-PTSD, disorganized attachment and a bunch of other issues.

He has managed to suppress these for years and outwardly he is very successful, six figure income, owns his own house, single father with full custody of his son.

But internally he is a mess, i never really knew until about 12 months ago, i always felt he was a bit distant and guarded, confused if he liked me. He always told me he loved me and treated me really well but i always felt there was a distance between us.

About a year ago he would just disappear into his home office and lock the door and stay in there for hours. he would do it several times a week and it got to be almost a daily occurrence.

We argued a lot about it, i thought he was watching porn or phoning another woman or something, but after i threatened to leave he told me he was having, what we now know, were emotional flashback/C-PTSD attacks and they were leaving him sobbing uncontrollably, he didn't know why, he wasn't able to suppress them no matter how hard he tried and he didn't want me to see him like that.

So i got it all out of him about his childhood and i forced him to go to therapy. I found him the therapist and made him the first appointment and told him he needed to go it we were to stay together.

Lately he has been a bit too happy to go to his weekly appointment and he has been dressing better to go to them and he always comes back in a good mood, which is surprising given he is supposed to be doing hard work there.

I confronted him about it and we got into a fight and I asked him point blank, do you love your therapist. He said he did. He tried to explain that it wasn't romantic or sexual. He said he just feels excited to see her and is happy when he is around her or when he thinks about going to see her. That it was like feeling like a kid again, when his favorite aunt used to come visit him occasionally.

I felt betrayed and I ended things. He called me an asshole because the only reason he was there was because I made him go. But i don't think i could forgive him.

Am I the asshole ?

My (F30) ended the relationship with my boyfriend(M46) of 10 years because he admitted to loving his therapist.

He had a very rough childhood with his single mom. As a result he has very significant identity level trauma, C-PTSD, disorganized attachment and a bunch of other issues.

He has managed to suppress these for years and outwardly he is very successful, six figure income, owns his own house, single father with full custody of his son.

But internally he is a mess, i never really knew until about 12 months ago, i always felt he was a bit distant and guarded, confused if he liked me. He always told me he loved me and treated me really well but i always felt there was a distance between us.

About a year ago he would just disappear into his home office and lock the door and stay in there for hours. he would do it several times a week and it got to be almost a daily occurrence.

We argued a lot about it, i thought he was watching porn or phoning another woman or something, but after i threatened to leave he told me he was having, what we now know, were emotional flashback/C-PTSD attacks and they were leaving him sobbing uncontrollably, he didn't know why, he wasn't able to suppress them no matter how hard he tried and he didn't want me to see him like that.

So i got it all out of him about his childhood and i forced him to go to therapy. I found him the therapist and made him the first appointment and told him he needed to go it we were to stay together.

Lately he has been a bit too happy to go to his weekly appointment and he has been dressing better to go to them and he always comes back in a good mood, which is surprising given he is supposed to be doing hard work there.

I confronted him about it and we got into a fight and I asked him point blank, do you love your therapist. He said he did. He tried to explain that it wasn't romantic or sexual. He said he just feels excited to see her and is happy when he is around her or when he thinks about going to see her. That it was like feeling like a kid again, when his favorite aunt used to come visit him occasionally.

I felt betrayed and I ended things. He called me an asshole because the only reason he was there was because I made him go. But i don't think i could forgive him.

Am I the asshole ?

I 47M was raised by a high conflict enmeshed single mother. From a very young age I was her main emotional focus, 'the little boy she always dreamed of', I had other brothers who she basically ignored completely.

She had very poor physical emotional and sexual boundaries with me. There was constant intense conflict forced soothing after fights and some physical abuse. My father abandoned us when I was 3.

When I was 12 she moved an abusive violent boyfriend into the home who bullied and intimidated me for years.

She was never able to form any lasting relationship with anyone, the relationships she had were chaotic and destructive. Even family relationships with very high conflict.

I've never felt any secure attachment and I felt deeply unwanted from very early childhood. I struggle with C-PTSD, identity, sexuality and self-worth.

I collapsed at 16 after leaving school and struggled for years. I developed a very harsh cruel inner critic (which sounds a lot like my mother) which eventually got me out of the situation at 23 and allowed me to function in a limited way career failed marriage a son house current girlfriend that sort of thing.

So that's a quick summary. I am in therapy, have been for 6 months, but it doesn't feel like anything is changing.

My question is, does anyone else really struggle with a sense of who they are. It is difficult for me to explain in a way that captures what i mean accurately, but it is like i don't really exist, like I'm not a real person.

I only do things because of that harsh inner critic berating me to do it, or if i am performing a role for someone else, boyfriend, father. But if there was no one else around and that inner critic wasn't there, there's nothing, no real wants, or desires other than to just disappear.

I feel like my therapist might be getting a bit frustrated with me because they keep wanting me to connect to the inner me and I have no idea how to or what they mean because there is simply nothing there.