u/bringoss

Yabancı arkadaşımla konuşuyorum ergenliğinde annesi korunmasız ilişkiye girdi diye iki tokat sallamış travma diye anlatıyor asla ona aynı gözle bakamamış falan. Bizim toplumda anne dayağı bazen de baba dayağı ama genelde babadan daha çok (önemsenmemeyi,ihmali görüyoruz) bizim için bunlar aşırı normal yani anne odalarda saçını tutup gezdirse sürüklese de bakış açımız çok etkilenmiyor bunun sebebi Türk kültüründe şiddetin normalleşmiş olması mı yoksa travma bağı gibi bir şey mi?

Yabancı arkadaşımla konuşuyorum ergenliğinde annesi korunmasız ilişkiye girdi diye iki tokat sallamış travma diye anlatıyor asla ona aynı gözle bakamamış falan. Bizim toplumda anne dayağı bazen de baba dayağı ama genelde babadan daha çok (önemsenmemeyi,ihmali görüyoruz) bizim için bunlar aşırı normal yani anne odalarda saçını tutup gezdirse sürüklese de bakış açımız çok etkilenmiyor bunun sebebi Türk kültüründe şiddetin normalleşmiş olması mı yoksa travma bağı gibi bir şey mi?

25 yaşındayım çok gülerlerdi bana önceden şimdi ne o ortam var ne de benim o şakaları yapabileceğim ahlak anlayışına sahip ortam yada malzeme. Evdekileri anca güldürüyorum şu an. Yaşla beraber eğlencesini kaybeden var mı?

English is not my first language, so I’m sorry if I make mistakes. I also don’t know if this is the right subreddit, but I really need outside opinions about a personal situation.

I met this friend 2 years ago. Honestly, if we had met in a more natural setting, she probably isn’t someone I would have stayed close friends with for this long. But since the day we met, we have talked almost every single day. I even lied sometimes saying I was in another city just to avoid meeting up with her (yes, I know I have boundary issues).

My friend is a 27-year-old woman and I’m also a woman. For the last year especially, she constantly tells me about her conflicts with her family, how much she hates her father, how much she hates life, how hopeless she feels, and that she would kill herself if she had the courage. This happens 2–3 times every week.

Whenever we meet in person, she mostly talks about her ex-boyfriend. Everyone around her warned her about him, he clearly used her and disliked her, and despite this she kept chasing him, texting him, and insisting on being with him. Their relationship lasted around 3 years in total but they were actually together only about 3 months.

She takes loans she cannot pay back while unemployed, cries about her financial situation, and then spends money traveling abroad. I’m saying these things so you understand how unstable her decisions are and how many of her problems are self-created.

She is also obsessed with influencers and constantly sends me reels of their glamorous lifestyles every single day. Then she compares herself to them and spirals emotionally because she thinks her own life is terrible in comparison.

The thing is, she did not grow up poor or severely disadvantaged. Compared to her, I actually came from a much harder background and fewer opportunities, yet I’m still trying to survive and improve my life instead of collapsing every day.

For over a year I’ve felt exhausted from being her unofficial therapist. Especially because while I’m trying to stay functional despite my own struggles, the problems she obsesses over for days or weeks often seem self-created to me. Yet she always frames everything as terrible luck or fate.

Every day she talks about suicide or how horrible her life is, but at the same time she puts almost no effort into changing anything. She believes she is “trying to climb in life,” but by that she means paying for degrees and master’s programs while expecting opportunities to come to her automatically. In my country, if you can pay the tuition, getting into many universities is not considered extremely difficult. Even during internships she expects people to assign her things instead of taking initiative herself.

She blames literally everyone except herself. Even when she behaves badly she says things like, “I’m acting this way because I’m taking revenge on my family for not loving me enough.”

She also believes she deserves jobs simply because she paid for university and graduate school. She is extremely difficult to satisfy emotionally, but doesn’t seem aware of it.

I became mentally exhausted from hearing every day that she wants to die. It started affecting me too. She has a psychiatric history and constantly self-diagnoses herself with new disorders. She stopped taking her medication suddenly. I tell her to see a psychologist, she says she has no money. I suggest public mental health services because even my own psychologist works in the public system, and she says “okay” but never actually books an appointment.

Whenever I suggest practical solutions, there is always another excuse:
“Promote yourself while applying for jobs.” → “That’s too cringe.”
“Talk to your mother about your problems.” → “She has her own problems.”
“See a therapist.” → “I can’t.”

At some point I realized this is someone who will do almost anything to remain in the emotional state she is in. She previously went to therapy, but I think she sees therapy as something passive, like simply attending sessions is enough without actually cooperating or putting effort into change.

Another thing that honestly scares me is that she is 27 years old and has no long-term stable people in her life. Not a single friend from high school or university remained. She also exposed someone who hurt her in the past by messaging that person’s relatives and workplace about them.

Recently while she was again talking about family issues and another relatively small problem, I finally told her that I think she is spoiled, exaggerates everything, makes excuses constantly, doesn’t really fight for herself, and that a lot of her unhappiness comes from obsessing over what she doesn’t have instead of appreciating what she does have. She became very defensive, so I just ended the conversation. Since then we haven’t spoken.

Now I’m questioning myself. Did I abandon someone during a difficult time? Did I do something wrong by distancing myself while she is mentally unstable? But at the same time, I feel like I’ve been patient for a very long time. Talking to her every day and meeting her became emotionally suffocating for me. I’m not doing well mentally either, but I’m trying to stay functional. She also doesn’t seem capable of understanding boundaries.

I really need honest outside opinions.

English is not my first language, so I’m sorry if I make mistakes. I also don’t know if this is the right subreddit, but I really need outside opinions about a personal situation.

I met this friend 2 years ago. Honestly, if we had met in a more natural setting, she probably isn’t someone I would have stayed close friends with for this long. But since the day we met, we have talked almost every single day. I even lied sometimes saying I was in another city just to avoid meeting up with her (yes, I know I have boundary issues).

My friend is a 27-year-old woman and I’m also a woman. For the last year especially, she constantly tells me about her conflicts with her family, how much she hates her father, how much she hates life, how hopeless she feels, and that she would kill herself if she had the courage. This happens 2–3 times every week.

Whenever we meet in person, she mostly talks about her ex-boyfriend. Everyone around her warned her about him, he clearly used her and disliked her, and despite this she kept chasing him, texting him, and insisting on being with him. Their relationship lasted around 3 years in total but they were actually together only about 3 months.

She takes loans she cannot pay back while unemployed, cries about her financial situation, and then spends money traveling abroad. I’m saying these things so you understand how unstable her decisions are and how many of her problems are self-created.

She is also obsessed with influencers and constantly sends me reels of their glamorous lifestyles every single day. Then she compares herself to them and spirals emotionally because she thinks her own life is terrible in comparison.

The thing is, she did not grow up poor or severely disadvantaged. Compared to her, I actually came from a much harder background and fewer opportunities, yet I’m still trying to survive and improve my life instead of collapsing every day.

For over a year I’ve felt exhausted from being her unofficial therapist. Especially because while I’m trying to stay functional despite my own struggles, the problems she obsesses over for days or weeks often seem self-created to me. Yet she always frames everything as terrible luck or fate.

Every day she talks about suicide or how horrible her life is, but at the same time she puts almost no effort into changing anything. She believes she is “trying to climb in life,” but by that she means paying for degrees and master’s programs while expecting opportunities to come to her automatically. In my country, if you can pay the tuition, getting into many universities is not considered extremely difficult. Even during internships she expects people to assign her things instead of taking initiative herself.

She blames literally everyone except herself. Even when she behaves badly she says things like, “I’m acting this way because I’m taking revenge on my family for not loving me enough.”

She also believes she deserves jobs simply because she paid for university and graduate school. She is extremely difficult to satisfy emotionally, but doesn’t seem aware of it.

I became mentally exhausted from hearing every day that she wants to die. It started affecting me too. She has a psychiatric history and constantly self-diagnoses herself with new disorders. She stopped taking her medication suddenly. I tell her to see a psychologist, she says she has no money. I suggest public mental health services because even my own psychologist works in the public system, and she says “okay” but never actually books an appointment.

Whenever I suggest practical solutions, there is always another excuse:
“Promote yourself while applying for jobs.” → “That’s too cringe.”
“Talk to your mother about your problems.” → “She has her own problems.”
“See a therapist.” → “I can’t.”

At some point I realized this is someone who will do almost anything to remain in the emotional state she is in. She previously went to therapy, but I think she sees therapy as something passive, like simply attending sessions is enough without actually cooperating or putting effort into change.

Another thing that honestly scares me is that she is 27 years old and has no long-term stable people in her life. Not a single friend from high school or university remained. She also exposed someone who hurt her in the past by messaging that person’s relatives and workplace about them.

Recently while she was again talking about family issues and another relatively small problem, I finally told her that I think she is spoiled, exaggerates everything, makes excuses constantly, doesn’t really fight for herself, and that a lot of her unhappiness comes from obsessing over what she doesn’t have instead of appreciating what she does have. She became very defensive, so I just ended the conversation. Since then we haven’t spoken.

Now I’m questioning myself. Did I abandon someone during a difficult time? Did I do something wrong by distancing myself while she is mentally unstable? But at the same time, I feel like I’ve been patient for a very long time. Talking to her every day and meeting her became emotionally suffocating for me. I’m not doing well mentally either, but I’m trying to stay functional. She also doesn’t seem capable of understanding boundaries.

I really need honest outside opinions.

Merhaba doğru sub mı bilmiyorum ama özel bir konu olduğu için fikirlerinize ihtiyacım var. 2 sene önce tanıştık normalde daha organik bir ortamda olsak arkadaşlığımı uzun süre devam ettireceğim biri değildi. O günden beri her gün nerdeyse konuşuyoruz hatta buluşmamak için başka şehirde olduğumu söylemişmişim var ( evet biliyorum sınır problemim var) arkadaşım 27 yaşında kız ben de kızım sürekli bana son bir senedir ailesiyle yaşadığı çatışmaları babasından ne kadar nefret ettiğini hayattan nefret ettiğini ümitsiz olduğunu cesareti olsa intihar edeceğini anlatıyor haftada 2-3 kere bu olay var. Buluştuğumuzda ise sadece asla kendisini hiçbir zaman diliminde sevmemiş olan herkesin bildiği uyardığı ama kendisinin defalarca ona yazmak ve onunla olmak ısrar ettiği onu kullanan nefret eden Max beraberlik süresi 3 sene içinde 3 ay olan ex erkek arkadaşının konusunu anlatıyor ödeyemeyeceği krediler çekiyor ve işsiz sonra da oturup ağlıyor daha sonra yurtdışına o parayla tatile gidiyor bunları kafasının ne kadar istikrarsız olduğunu ve dertlerini kendisinin yarattığını anlayın diye anlatıyorum. Bir senedir onun psikologluğunu yapmakta çok zorlanıyorum özellikle ben daha dezavantajlı daha zor bir hayattan gelmişken ve mücadele etmeye çalışırken onun anlattığı uğruna günlerce haftalarca kafasına taktığı problemler ve bunu şanssızlık kadersizliklik olarak görmesi beni delirtiyor her gün sorsan intihar edecek. Hayatında hiçbir şey ile ilgili hiçbir çabası yok ama sorsanız her şeyi tırmanmaya çalışıyor tırmanmaktan kastı ücretli lisans okumak ücretli yüksek lisans yapmak staj için gittiği bir yerde bile görev verilmesini bekliyor insiyatif kullanamıyor ve hayatında herkesi kendisi hariç sorumlu tutuyor aptalca hareketlerini bile ben alamadığım sevginin hesabını aileme soruyorum o yüzden böyle davranıyorum diyor ama çok açık memnun edilmesi zor birisi bunun karşılığında da işe alınması gerektiğine inanıyor çünkü ücretli lisans ve yüksek lisans yaptı. Her gün hayatının ne kadar berbat olduğunu intihar etmek istediğini söylemesinden çok yoruldum ben de mental olarak bitkin düştüm beni etkilediğini fark ettim ayrıca her şey için bahanesi var psikiyatrik geçmişi var sürekli kendine ek tanı koyuyor ilaçlarımı durduk yere bıraktı zaten o zamanda da çok farklı değildi psikoloğa git diyorum param yok diyor devletin nadiren de olsa iyi psikologları var benim psikoloğum da devlette onu öneriyorum tamam diyor gidip randevu almıyor kendini pazarla iş ararken diyorum çok cringe yapamam diyor annene anlat problemlerini diyorum annemin kendi problemleri var diyor yani ben anladım ki sonunda bu kişi bulunduğu ruh halini korumak için her şeyi yapabilecek birisi daha önce psikoloğa gitmişti ama psikoloğa gitmenin işbirliği olduğunu sanıyor işbirliği yapmıyor sadece orada bulunmanın yeterli olduğu inancı var bilinç altında ayrıca şu beni çok korkuttu 27 yaşında ve hayatına sürekli çok random ve hayatında kalıcı bulunmayan insanlar girmiş ne üniversiteden ne liseden geçmiş hayatından bir arkadaşı bile yok geçmişte canını yakan birinin hakkındaki her şeyi yakınlarına iş yerine mesaj atarak ifşalayan birisi en son yine böyle aile durumunu Eften püften bi durumunu anlatırken ben ona onun şımarık olduğunu her şeyi çok abarttığını kendisi için çabalamadığını sürekli bahane bulduğunu mutsuzluğunun sebebinin sahip olmadığı şeylere oturup üzülmesinin, elindekinin kıymetini bilmemesinin sebep olduğunu söyledim çok savunmaya geçti ben de tamam diyip konuyu kapattım ve daha hiç konuşmadık şimdi de acaba ben yanlış mı yaptım diyorum zor gününde yalnız bırakarak durumu bu haldeyken diye ama son bir senede iyi sabrettiğimi de düşünüyorum buluştuğumuzda yada her gün mesajlarda beni çok bunaltıyor ben de iyi değilim ama ayakta kalmaya çalışıyorum mesafe kavramını anlayabilecek biri değil bunu da yapmadım fikrinize ihtiyacım var dostlar