u/bosquerio

Husband and I have been together for 13 years, and we've never been "compatible" in regards to sex. We've managed to build a good life together despite that, although of course the conflict that its caused (both of us feeling neglected in different ways) has caused big wounds. We do not want to split up, and are open to getting help. There are several reasons we haven't up until this point (cost, having moved states a bunch, the stress of finding a good therapist being a barrier for both of us, etc.)

A couple years ago I realized that I was developing some trauma in our relationship because of how often I was forcing myself to have sex because I didn't want to deal with the tension/fights that would happen if too much time passed (I can't relate and it still bothers me but I do understand that sex is a need for him in a way it isn't for me yet after too much time passes he would just get really irritable and imo begin acting very immature). I am not asexual. I do orgasm when we have sex with a vibrator. But, that is the only part that feels good. The before, the after, everything is generally uncomfortable (sensory stuff - below.)

We've reached a workable compromise that Friday we have date night and sex, so it is at least once a week, but long term it won't work for him. But were both in agreement that I shouldn't force myself to have sex when I seriously am not open to it. Having it once a week at least gives me time to mentally prepare. Once we came to this agreement, I expected more effort on his end to helping me figure out how to make sex more enjoyable, but I just haven't really experienced it from him. He's kind of just waiting for me to give him instructions, but I don't have any either, in my mind we need to figure it out together cuz I kind of need him to experiment lol. It's tiring that it's all on me to find a therapist, to find books, to suggest things to try... I feel a little resigned and frankly annoyed he hasn't put any effort in.

The book Come As You Are has made the fundamental issue really clear: I have sensitive breaks, and an insensitive accelerator. He is the opposite. (Lots of things turn me off, few things turn me on, lots of things turn him on, very little turns him off.) It is possible I have a sensory processing issue. Light touch, bright lights, poor smells, messy spaces, +, are really negatively stimulating for me. I have an almost daily meditation practice I do to help with it. I usually use pot the days we have sex to tone it down, which really does help tremendously, but I don't want to do that forever and plus I am pregnant now. (Don't worry, were both happy about this.)

Unfortunately, this all makes me a really "needy" partner sexually (truly not needy otherwise, I'm quite independent, maybe to a fault, which generally he struggles with) so the context and setting around sex is extremely important for me whether I like it or not. Understandably, this is exhausting for him. But it's a necessity for me in order to mentally be open to sex. My love language is acts of service, and I have asked for a handful of small things that "take the breaks off" (shower before hand, water and towels on the bedside table, lamps and candle on, a few minutes of tidying up the room, no phones in the bed.) I have not asked for this in a demanding way, I've let him know that it would make me feel appreciated and understood which would in turn make sex more appealing. We've agreed to sex on Friday nights, and I would prefer to look forward to it. These things help with that.

He has been helping a lot more around the house. I appreciate it. And, he has never attempted any of the small things I've requested above. It seems like he thinks helping around the house more is enough of a change, but we both work the same amount of hours and I definitely carry the mental load of being the project manager of our lives, so helping around the house doesn't feel like generosity, it just feels like things are finally fair.

And little by little we are working through this, but I just hate feeling like I am asking for too much. But, I need more. I probably need some kind of weird tantric foreplay. WHO KNOWS.

(By the way, we are the only people we have ever slept with and he is for better or for worse the most loyal person I've ever met. I have zero suspicion he will leave or cheat on me, so please just don't even mention it. I have let him know that it is ok if we don't work, but he's just from a we make it work family. And I am too, ultimately. Tired of people stopping at "you are incompatible, end it." We are very compatible in other ways.)

Wow, thank you for reading this far.

Here’s the deal. We’ve been together for 13 years and I have never particularly enjoyed sex. the last couple years, I decided that I wasn’t going to force myself to have sex I didn’t want to. I finally realized how bad it was for me to continue forcing myself to be intimate when I had a strong aversion to it so I stopped forcing it as much.

I have told my partner several things that may help me get in the mood, and to his credit he has been helping more around the house, but in terms of actual bedtime activities, nothing has changed. I'm a very "sensual" person and am very sensitivity to stimuli (in a bad way). To be more specific I have told him some things that "take the breaks off" and make it easier to get in the mood, such as only using lamps in the bedroom, lighting a candle, taking a shower beforehand without me asking, tidying up the bedroom for a couple minutes, not being on his phone in bed, and making sure small towels are available for clean up so we (I) don't have to stop and get one, and having water on the bedside. I know this is a long list but they are things that take less than 10 minutes to do. If I need to keep reminding him to do these things, it sort of ruins it for me.

He acts as if us not having sex is as detrimental to him as being put is isolated confinement. he is not abusive or anything like that, but he does act extremely childish and immature after a certain amount of time goes by which decreases my attraction to -50%. If it is so important to him, is it unreasonable for me to expect him to put the above mentioned effort into making it more enjoyable for me? Why is it that it is completely up to me to fix the issue if he’s the one who can’t seem to go without sex?

Edit: Divorce is really just not an option for us right now, so please stop recommending it. We're expecting a child soon and have an otherwise good life together. This is an aspect of the relationship that's always been a struggle. We are planning to meet with a sex therapist, btw, it's helpful to hear from others who've gone through something similar.

For those saying "why can't you do those things?" - I guess its just a little difficult to get in the mood when I have been cleaning the house and tidying up and then I need to prep a bunch of little things for sex meanwhile he's on his phone in bed just waiting for me to join him. Not exactly... conducive to sex. They are small acts of service, which go a long way for me.