u/Upbeat_Platypus67

My husband (ADHD diagnosed, possible RSD/emotional dysregulation) and I are currently separated after a decade together and I genuinely don’t know if what we’re dealing with is ADHD shutdown, attachment trauma, emotional abuse patterns, or simply years of unresolved hurt.

For a long time I was actually the one asking for divorce because I felt emotionally unsafe, disconnected and overwhelmed in the marriage. But recently I had a genuine change of heart and wanted to try to repair things and approach things differently.

The problem is that whenever conflict happens, my husband tends to become very black-and-white in his thinking. He often says everything is my fault, that I have no emotional intelligence/empathy, and struggles to take accountability for his own behaviour because he feels his ADHD made him unable to control it. At times he says he wants the marriage to work and wants counselling, and other times he completely shuts down, blocks me, accuses me of manipulating the kids, or says he needs to protect himself from me.

There’s also a very strong push-pull dynamic. One moment he says he never wants this marriage again, the next he’s complimenting me, asking to talk, wanting family dinners, coffee etc. It’s emotionally exhausting and confusing.

A family member recently spoke to him and he apparently said he IS willing to reflect/change if someone can clearly explain where he went wrong and give him an “action plan,” and he’s still open to couples counselling. However, he says he can’t afford counselling and seems to expect me to pay for it, despite also believing I’m the cause of most of the problems.

For those with ADHD or partners with ADHD:

- Does this sound familiar to you?

- Can ADHD/RSD genuinely make someone struggle THIS much with accountability and emotional regulation?

- Has anyone successfully rebuilt a marriage where one partner initially blamed the other for almost everything?

- Does this sound more like disorganised attachment than ADHD itself?

I’m trying really hard to stay compassionate while also protecting my own mental health and the kids emotionally. I honestly don’t know whether to hold onto hope or accept that love alone isn’t enough.

I’m really struggling to understand what’s happening in my relationship and would appreciate insight from people familiar with ADHD/RSD.

I’m a mum of young kids, working full time. My husband (Dx ADHD, likely RSD/emotional dysregulation) and I are currently separated.

There’s a strong push–pull dynamic:

- He says I’ve hurt him for years, lack empathy, and that everything is my fault

- He says he needs distance and is “protecting himself” from me

- But then continues messaging, asking questions, and pulling me back into conversation

- He shuts down when I try to respond, saying he doesn’t want discussion

He’s now saying he “can’t last another day in this” and that it’s been 10 years of unmet needs. He also goes back and forth on the idea of counselling, sometimes open, sometimes saying it’s pointless.

From my side, I’ve been trying to stay calm, take accountability where I can, and communicate better. Recently I’ve also become more grounded spiritually, which has made me want to try properly before walking away.

But I feel like I’m the only one trying, and I’m exhausted.

I guess I’m trying to understand:

- Has he emotionally checked out, or is this ADHD/RSD shutdown?

- Is this push–pull dynamic common?

- Can someone come back from this level of blame and shutdown?

- How do you tell the difference between ADHD vs unhealthy relationship patterns?

I still care, but I feel like I’m losing myself in this cycle.

Any insight would really help. Thank you :)

I don’t even know where to start, but I feel like I need to get this out somewhere.

I’m a mum of three young kids, working full time, also trying to support my own mum who has dementia, and right now I feel like I’m completely breaking under the weight of everything.

My husband and I are currently separated. Over time things became really difficult between us. I was constantly being shut down, spoken over, told I was a bad person, and even told in front of the kids that I was abusive. He has also been physically rough with the kids at times (pulling hair, hitting), which is something I can’t ignore.

At the same time, he genuinely believes that I am the one causing all the problems. He says I’ve hurt him, that I lack empathy, that I’ve always wanted out of the marriage. He’s told me I’m abusive. I did hit him once when he hurt our daughter, and I fully own that it was wrong, but since then it feels like that one moment has been used to define me completely.

I’m dealing with constant anxiety now..heart palpitations, shaking, crying, just feeling like I’m not coping at all. I’ve spoken to my GP and been referred for support, but day to day it still feels overwhelming.

The hardest part is the kids. They are confused, upset, and asking questions I don’t always know how to answer. I’ve tried so hard not to involve them or speak negatively about their dad, but even small things I say seem to get turned into something bigger.

He’s currently saying he wants “space” and time to work on himself, but at the same time he won’t engage in counselling together, and won’t have proper conversations..just sends long messages about how I’ve hurt him, then says he doesn’t want to discuss it.

I feel stuck in this space where:

- I’m trying to fix things

- He’s blaming me

- Nothing is actually moving forward

On top of that, I found out he’s been on a dating site, and I feel completely broken by that too.

Through all of this, I’ve been trying to hold onto my deen. I’ve been praying, making dua, waking up for tahajjud, doing dhikr, asking Allah to guide me, to fix things, or to give me clarity. But if I’m being honest, I still feel lost and overwhelmed.

I’m trying to stay strong for my kids and trust that Allah sees everything, but mentally I feel like I’m drowning. I don’t know if I’m the problem, if I’ve somehow caused all of this, or if I’m just completely worn down from everything that’s happened.

I guess I’m just looking to hear from people who have been through something similar, especially from an Islamic perspective.

How do you know when to keep making sabr and trying to fix things, and when it’s time to let go for the sake of your wellbeing?

And how do you keep your imaan strong when everything around you feels like it’s falling apart?