u/Top-Researcher837

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about 4 months, and I’m starting to question whether I actually love him romantically or if I just loved the idea of him.

For context, I was with my ex for almost 3 years. We ended things mainly because our futures and values didn’t align (religion was a big part of it too). Even though the breakup was necessary, it was still heartbreaking because I genuinely loved him deeply. I loved everything about him…his mind, his quirks, the little things about him that made him him. I’m fully over him now and don’t want him back, but I think the relationship set a standard in my head for what being “in love” feels like.

The issue is… I met my current boyfriend literally 2 weeks after the breakup.

He was extremely patient with me at first and said he’d wait for me to heal before dating seriously. But looking back, I honestly don’t think I ever truly healed or learned how to be alone. I’ve basically been in relationships nonstop since I was like 14. Somehow every time I get out of something serious, another guy appears almost immediately, and I think I’ve developed this mindset that if someone good comes along, I HAVE to take the opportunity or I’ll miss out.

So eventually, even though part of me felt unsure, I gave in and started dating him a few months later.

And objectively He’s amazing to me. He opens doors for me, buys me thoughtful things, makes me feel safe, cares about me deeply, and our values align way more than my ex’s ever did. He’s genuinely a good guy. I was also VERY physically attracted to him from the beginning.

But deep down from the start, I always felt like something was missing.

I think I convinced myself that because he checked all the “healthy relationship” boxes and was so different from my ex, that this \*must\* be right. I also think I felt guilty because he was waiting for me and cared so much, and I didn’t want to lose someone “good.”

Now 4 months in, I’m realizing I don’t think I feel that deep emotional connection people describe when they’re truly in love. I care about him a lot, I get excited to see him, I’m happy around him, and I’m still very attracted to him physically. But sometimes it feels more like comfort, attachment, or appreciation rather than being genuinely \*in love\*.

And honestly I feel awful even typing this because he deserves someone who is fully certain about him.

What’s confusing me is that there’s nothing “wrong” in the relationship. He treats me well. We get along. Our values align. So part of me wonders if maybe I’m just self-sabotaging because this relationship feels healthier and less emotionally intense than my last one. But another part of me wonders if I ignored my doubts from the beginning because I was afraid of being alone and afraid of missing out on someone good.

I genuinely can’t tell if love is supposed to grow over time or if this is my gut trying to tell me something important.

Has anyone experienced this before?

Basically, I’ve been in relationships consistently since I was around 14. I’ve never really stayed single for more than a year, which honestly feels embarrassing to admit. It’s not even that I intentionally jump from person to person, but I think I fear missing out or getting attached when someone genuinely seems good for me. And to make things harder, every guy I’ve dated has actually been a genuinely good person. Most of my relationships ended because of incompatibility or circumstances outside our control. For example, my last relationship ended because we were unequally yoked spiritually.

Then, less than two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend. The thing is… I really do love him. On paper, he’s everything I would want in a husband. He values marriage, treats me incredibly well, opens doors for me, is romantic, respectful, and even supports waiting until marriage. He’s genuinely kind to me.

But lately I’ve been struggling spiritually and emotionally.

Over the past year, I’ve gotten much closer to Jesus, and I’ve been trying to seriously surrender certain sins and grow in my relationship with God. My boyfriend supports all of this and has no issue with changing things alongside me, but sometimes I worry that he’s doing it more because he loves me rather than because he truly loves Jesus for himself. That scares me. I don’t want to become the person leading his entire faith journey. I want a man who genuinely knows God deeply on his own and helps lead me closer to Him too. My boyfriend does pray, comes to church with me, and says he wants to grow closer to God, but he’s not really in his Bible much yet and still seems early in his walk. And then I catch myself thinking about men who are truly on fire for Jesus.. men who teach me things about God and inspire me spiritually. That thought makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend is trying. We had a really honest conversation last night, and he admitted he knows he needs to get closer to God and wants to grow. But I still feel so much fear and doubt about our future. I care deeply about marriage and building a Christ centered home, and I’m scared of ending up with someone who never fully develops that relationship with God.

Part of me wonders if we should spend time apart so he can develop his faith independently instead of feeling influenced by me. But another part of me feels like maybe I’m overthinking all of this and expecting perfection. There are also other issues that make me question things. I don’t really feel connected to his family, and family matters a lot to me. Conversations at their house feel very surface level and there was instances where they have been very judgemental.

On top of that, I often feel like I’m the one constantly encouraging and motivating my boyfriend.. not just spiritually, but in life in general. Things like pushing him to apply for better jobs, think bigger about his future, or emotionally grow. He admitted this too and said he wants to do better at pouring into me.

I told him that I want to admire and look up to my future husband in certain ways. I want to value his wisdom and guidance too, not always feel like I’m the one carrying the emotional depth or motivation in the relationship.

Honestly, throughout our relationship, when I needed emotional advice or needed to vent, I usually went to my sister instead of him because I didn’t feel like he could really offer much insight. And I know that sounds awful, but it’s the truth, and I don’t know why I feel that way.

That’s why I’ve started wondering if maybe I’m not even ready to be in another relationship at all. Maybe I’ve never fully taken the time to be alone, heal, and figure myself out before attaching to someone else.

I really do want this relationship to work, and I truly want him to be the one I just can’t tell if these doubts are genuine red flags or if I’m self sabotaging because of fear.

Any advice would genuinely mean a lot.

Basically, I’ve been in relationships consistently since I was around 14. I’ve never really stayed single for more than a year, which honestly feels embarrassing to admit. It’s not even that I intentionally jump from person to person, but I think I fear missing out or getting attached when someone genuinely seems good for me. And to make things harder, every guy I’ve dated has actually been a genuinely good person. Most of my relationships ended because of incompatibility or circumstances outside our control. For example, my last relationship ended because we were unequally yoked spiritually.

Then, less than two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend. The thing is… I really do love him. On paper, he’s everything I would want in a husband. He values marriage, treats me incredibly well, opens doors for me, is romantic, respectful, and even supports waiting until marriage. He’s genuinely kind to me.

But lately I’ve been struggling spiritually and emotionally.

Over the past year, I’ve gotten much closer to Jesus, and I’ve been trying to seriously surrender certain sins and grow in my relationship with God. My boyfriend supports all of this and has no issue with changing things alongside me, but sometimes I worry that he’s doing it more because he loves me rather than because he truly loves Jesus for himself. That scares me. I don’t want to become the person leading his entire faith journey. I want a man who genuinely knows God deeply on his own and helps lead me closer to Him too. My boyfriend does pray, comes to church with me, and says he wants to grow closer to God, but he’s not really in his Bible much yet and still seems early in his walk. And then I catch myself thinking about men who are truly “on fire” for Jesus..men who teach me things about God and inspire me spiritually. That thought makes me feel guilty because my boyfriend is trying. We had a really honest conversation last night, and he admitted he knows he needs to get closer to God and wants to grow. But I still feel so much fear and doubt about our future. I care deeply about marriage and building a Christ-centered home, and I’m scared of ending up with someone who never fully develops that relationship with God.

Part of me wonders if we should spend time apart so he can develop his faith independently instead of feeling influenced by me. But another part of me feels like maybe I’m overthinking all of this and expecting perfection. There are also other issues that make me question things. I don’t really feel connected to his family, and family matters a lot to me. Conversations at their house feel very surface-level, and it seems like they don’t make much effort to truly know me.

On top of that, I often feel like I’m the one constantly encouraging and motivating my boyfriend..not just spiritually, but in life in general. Things like pushing him to apply for better jobs, think bigger about his future, or emotionally grow. He admitted this too and said he wants to do better at pouring into me.

I told him that I want to admire and look up to my future husband in certain ways. I want to value his wisdom and guidance too, not always feel like I’m the one carrying the emotional depth or motivation in the relationship.

Honestly, throughout our relationship, when I needed emotional advice or needed to vent, I usually went to my sister instead of him because I didn’t feel like he could really offer much insight. And I know that sounds awful, but it’s the truth, and I don’t know why I feel that way.

That’s why I’ve started wondering if maybe I’m not even ready to be in another relationship at all. Maybe I’ve never fully taken the time to be alone, heal, and figure myself out before attaching to someone else.

I really do want this relationship to work, and I truly want him to be “the one.” I just can’t tell if these doubts are genuine red flags or if I’m self-sabotaging because of fear.

Any advice would genuinely mean a lot.

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. one of the main reasons being that he was atheist while I’m Christian. There were other issues too, but that was a big one. At the time I was really devastated, but looking back now, I understand why it had to happen. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend. We started dating about 3 months after meeting, and we’ve been together for around 4 months now. When we first met it did seem like he had a genuine relationship with Jesus…or was I just blind sided by his looks? (He is very attractive)

Anyways, now that we’ve been together for a few months I’m starting to feel a bit unsure. I don’t really feel like he’s “on fire” for God. It almost feels like I’m the one leading that part of our relationship. For example he’ll come to church with me if I ask, but he never goes on his own (and I found out he didn’t before we met either). He doesn’t read the Bible on his own, and I’ve noticed that it’s affecting me too and I’ve become more distant in my own faith. I don’t feel spiritually led. We used to pray together every night on FaceTime but that slowly stopped, and there hasn’t been any effort to bring it back unless I initiate it. The thing is he would do all of this if I asked…but I just don’t want to feel like I have to. I want it to be because he genuinely wants to.

**I’ve also realized it’s not just about his relationship with God…this shows up in other parts of his life too. I feel like I’m usually the one encouraging him and am on his butt to go after better opportunities or think about his future. I want to support him but I’m starting to question if I’m pushing him more than he’s pushing himself.**

I guess what I’m struggling with is this: am I repeating the same mistake? I know everyone’s faith journey is different but sometimes it feels like he’s only doing these things for me and not because he truly wants to. Like he’s missing his own personal passion for Christ. Another thing that sucks is I feel like me and his parents dont have the best relationship. i have to carry most of the conversations when i go to their house. They have no interest in deepening our bond, and if i ask questions about them… it becomes “to personal”. My bf has also told me a lot of the things they say behind my back and alot of it is judgemental.

What makes this harder is that he’s honestly amazing in every other way. He treats me so well he opens doors, pays for everything, is always there for me, super loving and supportive, takes me on dates. That’s why I feel so conflicted.

I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

My ex and I broke up almost a year ago. one of the main reasons being that he was atheist while I’m Christian. There were other issues too, but that was a big one. At the time I was really devastated, but looking back now, I understand why it had to happen. About two weeks later, I met my current boyfriend. We started dating about 3 months after meeting, and we’ve been together for around 4 months now. When we first met it did seem like he had a genuine relationship with Jesus…or was I just blind sided by his looks? (He is very attractive)

Anyways, now that we’ve been together for a few months I’m starting to feel a bit unsure. I don’t really feel like he’s “on fire” for God. It almost feels like I’m the one leading that part of our relationship. For example he’ll come to church with me if I ask, but he never goes on his own (and I found out he didn’t before we met either). He doesn’t read the Bible on his own, and I’ve noticed that it’s affecting me too and I’ve become more distant in my own faith. I don’t feel spiritually led. We used to pray together every night on FaceTime but that slowly stopped, and there hasn’t been any effort to bring it back unless I initiate it. The thing is he would do all of this if I asked…but I just don’t want to feel like I have to. I want it to be because he genuinely wants to.

I’ve also realized it’s not just about his relationship with God…this shows up in other parts of his life too. I feel like I’m usually the one encouraging him and am on his butt to go after better opportunities or think about his future. I want to support him but I’m starting to question if I’m pushing him more than he’s pushing himself.

I guess what I’m struggling with is this: am I repeating the same mistake? I know everyone’s faith journey is different but sometimes it feels like he’s only doing these things for me and not because he truly wants to. Like he’s missing his own personal passion for Christ. Another thing that sucks is I feel like me and his parents dont have the best relationship. i have to carry most of the conversations when i go to their house. They have no interest in deepening our bond, and if i ask questions about them… it becomes “to personal”. My bf has also told me a lot of the things they say behind my back and alot of it is judgemental.

What makes this harder is that he’s honestly amazing in every other way. He treats me so well he opens doors, pays for everything, is always there for me, super loving and supportive, takes me on dates. That’s why I feel so conflicted.

I don’t know what to do. Has anyone been in a similar situation?