u/RoseToyFan123

I’m 24 and I’ve been trying to heal my childhood neglect for years on end but it seems that old habits continue to plague me. About 9 months ago I started a new job and over the course of that time I got closer to a coworker in his 40’s. At first I felt admiration towards him. Then I wanted to be his friend and be like a younger sister to him. Then the nerves and daydreams and sexual fantasies started. Then I admitted to myself I wanted him to be my father figure. It’s insane how the rabbit hole just got deeper and deeper.

It sucks because I thought I was doing better. After I left my relationship last year in this exact same month, I swore off of men completely and became 4B. I was happy and content with my new life, but then the crush on the coworker got louder and louder until I fell back into the habit of obsessing over someone. I keep going back and forth between actually wanting to pursue a sexual relationship (no commitment) or just LETTING IT GO and actually moving on.

After a lot of thinking I’ve come to the conclusion that indulging in my father figure fantasies and desire for that taboo dynamic wouldn’t be healthy for me at all. For one this guy is definitely avoidant, aloof, and uninterested in others so clearly I’d be running straight into the classic avoidant-anxious trap, even if I tell myself I don’t want commitment. Two, doing this would just be me trying to overcompensate for an old wound, and I’d be basically neglecting my own mental health if I were to do it. Seeking out sex with older colleagues just isn’t a healthy way to deal with your abandonment wound.

But it’s hard and I struggle with it. I can’t help but want to be close to him and have him hug me or comfort me or pleasure me. I cant help but enjoy his company at work.

Anyone else struggle with this?

So we’re both looking for a casual relationship/FWB thing so I’m definitely not holding her to my usual expectations however she canceled on me an hour and a half before we were supposed to meet due to a hangover and ‘something else.’ She apologized and suggested another day, which shows initiation however I don’t know. I’m thinking of just telling her to forget about it.

Tbh to me, drinking a lot (knowing it will cause a hangover) the night before you have a date/something scheduled shows a lack of self discipline. It reminds me of my ex who used to drink and drink into the AM and then would miss stuff with me the next day because of his binge.

But considering she pointed to something other than the hangover as a reason to cancel, I guess some grace should be extended.

I don’t know. Should I just agree to the day she suggested? I want a dependable FWB and canceling on the first meetup is a bad sign to me.

So I am just going to say I DONT expect anyone to coddle me or encourage me to have sex with him. I’m posting this for advice from women who have also experienced phases in which they are attracted to a particular man but have to refrain from making a move due to our radical beliefs that all men benefit and continue to benefit from the patriarchy and objectification of women, and therefore continuing to date or have sex with them is only an encouragement of them to continue to be ignorant.

For some context I have been single for a year. I don’t want to get married or get into a relationship so I’m good on that aspect, however I do have sexual needs. I’m bisexual and also talk to women when it comes to sex but I have to admit, I enjoy the bodies of both genders and so the urge to get with a man is there.

I don’t hook up with random men or even any man I know. This comes from a place of protection as we all know lots of men are sexual assaulters, porn brained, and see women as fleshlights. I put myself first. If a man shows a red flag I instantly dip. I’m quite proud of myself for that honestly, because the Old Me would have jumped into bed with them immediately as I was desperate for validation. I’ve been able to keep men decentered from my life…that is until I started to feel attraction towards an older man at work.

Do I actually know him? No. We’ve never seen eachother outside of work. He’s 42 I’m 24 about to turn 25. Is it even appropriate? No. Do I still feel excited at the aspect of something taboo? Yes. Am I ashamed? Kind of. Do I think this attraction stems from my daddy issues? Yeah.

He isn’t a creep and treats every single one of us like normal. He doesn’t ogle at women either. He’s only shown signs of attraction towards me after I started flirting with him. So in my mind I believe he’s sexually disciplined..to a certain extent. Because of course I don’t know him. He’s pretty awkward and doesn’t have a dating life. He gets shy around me (I’ve started flirting..) so I have conjured up in my head that he’d be reserved, kind, and gentle if we were to get intimate. This hopeful projection stems from the fact that I have been sexually assaulted in my past relationship and by multiple men in the past. I want to regain control…getting with a man who wouldn’t sexually assault me (an assumption based off of how he is) would be a way to do that.

And because of this I’m conflicted. He’s a man who grew up in the South as I did, meaning there’s no way he wasn’t raised on misogynistic beliefs. I don’t even know if he voted for Kamala (I don’t believe in dating or having sex with men who didn’t vote to keep MY rights!) I don’t even know if he, like other “good men,” have stayed quiet and mute when fellow men would talk to women in a gross ass way. He probably has! I’m also conflicted because I hate my father for consistently dating women half his age, yet I’ve been flirting with a man 18 years older than me, and I don’t even think he’s gross for returning the attraction (in my mind, there’s a difference between an older man who is only attracted to younger women and a man who happens to be attracted to a younger woman due to close proximity.) I’m conflicted because I so badly want to get a taste, to see if sex with an older seemingly respectable man would actually be good or healing for me. To see how it would be.

The more I think about it the more I’m leaning towards DONT DO ANYTHING. But I’m still conflicted.

Has anyone dealt with this? Has anyone else still developed crushes on men despite being radical/4B? What do I do?

(I’m bringing this up to my therapist today so no need to recommend therapy)