u/Raymond_R_

Just wondering if anyone else who used Abeka has an unexplained Southern accent?

Mines VERY thick, sounds real old. Kinda like a Texas twang, given I grew up there I suppose, and some other Southern drawl and dialect thats CERTAINLY not Texas suburbs. Only explanation I could find is that Abeka is less than ten miles from the border of Alabama. I imagine many of the teachers are from all over the South.

Just curious! Id also love to hear about the 'homeschool' accent cause I certainly got that as my codeswitch.

This isn’t serious btw Im just curious 😭✌️

Im already covered EVERYWHERE in long and rather thick vellus hair, esp on the chest, but Pretty much everywhere. In the right light it’s darker. I also already have a « happy trail » and more hair keeps showing up randomly. pre-t. I’m happy about My prospects btw. This was just a light hearted post lol

Im on web, boohoo no poll.

- Comment YES or NO. Context if you wish. -

And by fantasize I mean romantic things. And cuddling. His big hands. Laying on his chest while he holds me.

Anyways.

I still dont want it irl, at all. I hate the idea of it in real life. Also for context its always a much older, much larger man. I think about it often. And draw said imaginery husband I have made up. I can certainly imagine ACTUALLY being with a woman, and one my age. I cannot with a man.

Im still closeted, for the record, but detransitioning would still have a MAJOR effect on me. Itd probably be difficult for me to even pass as my AGAB so it’s not even some “try it out” thing, the last time I tried to be feminine cause I wanted to detrans I almost got hate crimed cause they thought I was a cis guy. 💀

I’ll try not to turn this into a v3nt, I’m just trying to explain my stance and circumstance, that’s all.

I don’t feel like I can be masculine. I mean, I can, in spirit. But I constantly just feel “small”. which don’t even make sense, I’m not super skinny and I’m 5’6/5’7. But I just feel small and weak and feminine. I can’t stand up straight anymore because I feel lije everyone can see my chest…despite that you can barely see it even in just a button up. And I always wear MULTIPLE layers. It’s quite impossible to see, but I feel like it’s SO visible. Any photo or mirror I see ANY curve in I think I all of a sudden have a Hyperfeminine body. I don’t, I know I don’t. Not a single thing points to that being true. But everytime I look in the mirror all I see is some ridiculous hourglass. Every time I see my face, sure sure I’m told I look like a copy of my father, and I always pass, and people think I’m way older then I am, but every time I look I think I look A. Hyperfeminine B. super androgynous C. 12.
I just constantly have some lingering feeling of “feeling like a woman” or at least not “feeling like a man”. WHAT EVEN IS THAT? THERES NO “FEELING” ITS NOT A HEADACHE. I just feel like Im going insane, I don’t know what I even look like anymore, I feel like I’m super super petit, even when I KNOW it’s not true. As soon as I imagine myself being a cis boy I feel fine. Perfectly fine. I can focus on other things, enjoy my stupid trains, WHATEVER. But then Im reminded and I just can’t think of anything else and feel like I’m being choked. I’m sure it’s causing me depression but it’s not like I can do anything. My parents wouldn’t accept me, I think, and even if they would, I fear it too much to say anything.
The reason I’m thinking of detransitioning is I just feel like there’s no point. I feel like I’m Hyperfeminine, even though I don’t want to be, so I feel like there’s no point. I can’t even stand next to men anymore. I can’t look one in the eyes. Even if they think I’m cis, all I hear is just whatever insecurities. Like I just don’t know what to do. I feel like I have no choice but to detransition and that I’ll “never be a real man”. Which isn’t some internalized transphobia, trans men are real men, I just feel subpar to everyone. No matter what I do I don’t feel masculine like I so desperately want to be. No matter what I do I don’t feel better. At this point I’m not even sure what would help it feels like such an internal complex. I don’t think I could ever be happy as a woman or girl, but I feel like one constantly and can’t escape it. It’s not even physichal dysphoria anymore. it’s not even social. I just don’t know man. Any advice would be appreciated. I’m sorry that I droned on, I don’t have anyone else to talk to so ideas came to me as I wrote. literally nothing helps anymore though. at some point I think I’ve just gone mental lmao

Ill preface by saying Im still in highschool. But it weighs heavily on me, and before anyone says "enjoy your childhood" A. You really cant anymore because colleges are difficult To get in. B. I am homeschooled and very isolated. I have no freedom. There is no "childhood" to enjoy. But. ​Thats fine, Ive accepted my circumstance.

I dont have any passions, never have.

I really dont have hobbies anymore.

Im rather awful at everything, no real skill or talent. Im actually concidering if I genuinely just have a low IQ at this point 💀💀

I can be charming at least, been told I have good charisma, but we cant count on that.

So what do I do? I concidered psychiatry or surgery, but the cost of schooling, time, and generally med school was a turn off. Ive concidered finance, which I guess I like? Not particularly. Concidered law, specifically corporate law. Yes I know its difficult. Thats my current idea but I feel very little excitement for it. Might just stick with that and prod myself till I like it lol.

Thing is, I just dont...like anything? I like plains/jets but I cannot join the Air Force and dont want to do commercial, so the point is moot I believe. Thats about it. I dont have any interests anymore. So like? What do I do? I dont mean to sound like a sob story and am not looking for comfort or "just wait", but what do I do? No talents, no skills, no passion, no interests. Do I just spin a wheel and go with whatever? Just stick with one and make myself do it? Worth mentioning I do like working and academics. So it does matter to me since I care a lot about career.