u/OrangeIslandKing

One of my worst dating experiences I've ever had. I was dating this woman, come to find out she had an fwb about six months in. By that time, we had met our friend groups (the salt in the wound was I met said fwb) met each other's families, and we said we were in this for the long haul.

When I found out about this, I was pissed. Her excuse? "We never established being exclusive"

I broke up with her regardless.

But something someone said that REALLY pissed me off? A friend saying this:

"She was falling in love with you! How could you not just say you wanted to be exclusive!? You broke this poor girl's heart just because you're ego was too big"

The fuck?!?!

She was in love with me and still fucking some other guy on the regular?

God I hate this logic.

The big reason you want to be monogamous because it hurts when someone you're in love with is with someone else. I think some people got this step backwards. Just because you haven't said the words, doesn't mean it hurts any less.

This term just reeks of drama and miscommunication.

When it comes to me, I always say upfront I want a relationship, and I only date one person at a time, and I ask for exclusivity pretty early. 3 dates in.

One time, this woman said we were in a "situationship" and I was like "What?! I literally told you what I want, and we are exclusive, we can be in a relationship"

I tried to get her to explain why we weren't in one if we both allegedly wanted one, but she would give me vague generic answers. Like "it just doesn't feel like a relationship"

I broke things off.

So after some consideration and thoughts, I reached out the girl I went out with. I told her I am sorry, and let her know she didn't do anything wrong.

She got back to me, and said she was sorry for yelling and calling me names, and that she was just embarrassed because that was the first time she tried to have sex on a first date, and that she was confused on the signals I gave her. Idk which signal specifically she meant.

We texted for a while, I explained a lot of my thought process, why I did what I did. She told me she understood, and she did explain her own thought process.

I decided to risk it and ask her if she would want to start over. She said sure, but only as friends. Which is fine by me.

So thanks to the lot of you who were more... understanding. But I still 100% believe if I was a woman and my date had been a guy, that there would me few to none comments busting my balls. Some of you straight up proved my point and called me gay or a liar.

Hear me out.

Being friends with an ex works like how having a gun does.

Some people don't keep guns around, and most others wouldn't care that much.

Others are uncomfortable with guns around..

But think of it like this.

If you point a gun at your partner, it doesn't matter what excuses you make, that's gonna be extremely uncomfortable for your partner. It doesn't matter if the gun is empty.

Just like how having poor boundaries with an ex is.

No amount of "Just trust me" is going to make someone accept certain situations.

I have a personal rule. I do not date women who actively sleep around while dating me. Keep in mind I always let them know I am looking for a serious relationship right from the get go.

Now, I don't ask during the first date simply because... well it's awkward. And frankly, 3 dates feels about right for me.

Around the third date I ask them if they are seeing/sleeping with others. I also let them know I only date one person at a time.

Now, dating others, is usually fine for me. (Though I will say one time I noped out of there)

Sleeping with others... well, that's my boundary. I don't date women who i know have casual sex. So, if they tell me they are or have a fwb or something. I break things off, as amicably as I can. I let them know it's just my own boundary. Btw, even if they are willing to break off their fwb or whatever, at that point i already got the ick, so i let them know to not worry about it and we should just part ways.

Most have been quite understanding. But others... well, let's just say I've been yelled at and called names.

Went on a first date Saturday, found out in no uncertain terms she wanted to have sex. I got the ick because that's way too soon for me. Got chewed out by her for breaking things off. Also got chewed out by another sub reddit. Is it really that bad for me to not want to date a woman who wants sex on the first date?

Posted here a few days ago, and I wanted to get some more pov's.

I'm pretty sexually conservative, I don't do hook ups or ons or anything like that.

I'm dating with a serious relationship in mind.

To me, looking for casual sex is a deal breaker, and sex early on would basically signal to me that's something you want. (I would only have sex with one person exclusively, not necessarily in a relationship though)

Edit: OK, fine, I misused some words. I do mean necessarily in serious relationship.

How do I communicate this? In my experience even talking about sex in this manner has put women on alert.

So I'm pretty conservative when it comes to sex. I tried casual twice, it was not my thing. No shade to anyone who enjoys it.

So I was on a first date with a woman last night, things were going good. Not the best date I've had, but I would have been down for a second one.

She invited herself to my place, and I gave her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she did just want to meet my dog.

I was wrong.

I straight up asked if she wanted to have sex after she got touchy.

I said I'm not interested. I drove her home and she asked if I wanted to do this again. I said no thanks. She put two and two together and got pissed. Called a certain "shamer" and an asshole.

Told my friends, they are were like "you're a dumbass"

I guess cuz I'm a guy, that must mean I want to fuck every woman that comes my way.