u/No-Lawfulness5752

Does anyone else get weirdly triggered by the thought of being part of a (biological) family again because you associate it with having to ignore your needs and being unable to escape? I've always been hugely into found family stories in which characters choose to spend time together on their own terms, but without the forced commitment implied by biological families. At least, that forced commitment is what comes to my mind when I think of family: being stuck with people who don't care about you but for whom you're responsible in some form, and because you're part of that group, you cannot escape to be alone or get your needs met elsewhere. I want people in my life but I want it to be purely voluntary on both sides. Everything else seems terrifying to me, including the concept of having kids.

To give some context, I'm the younger person in an age gap relationship, and my partner's best friend is currently pregnant. They've been friends for over ten years and my partner likes kids, and willingly hangs out with her friends even if their kids are around, so it's not really an issue for her. I haven't reached the age where anyone I know has gotten pregnant, but I truly think it would be the end of the friendship for me. Or at least I'd have to distance myself to such a level that we only hang out without the kids. I know some women are trying to distance themselves from the idea that women's lives become consumed by their kids the moment they give birth, and I get that from a feminist perspective and agree with it conceptually. But to me, it still feels like they're no longer really their own person because they can no longer make their own decisions and do things they enjoy. It just sounds like a horror movie scenario to me, and I can't watch someone I love go through that

The other day I was getting worked up about the fact that there is basically no BPD treatment in my country, and that there aren't a lot of resources for those affected in the form of books, YouTubers etc. So I went on the therapists subreddit and looked at what clinical resources people were recommending to each other. I made a list of books (I'm not sure if it's against the rules to share it if I haven't looked at them myself).

I just started reading the first one, which is Schema Therapy: A Practitioner's Guide by Jeffrey E. Young et al. I jumped right into the chapter on schema therapy for BPD without reading the intro chapters first, but I've still found it incredibly helpful. Its premise is that people with BPD have five internal modes: an abandoned child, an angry child, an internalized critic, a dissociative part, and a healthy adult. The chapter explains how a therapist would work with these different parts and what they need. I know that reading a book isn't the same as getting actual therapy, but just going, "Oh, this is my angry child part, this means one of my basic needs isn't getting met right now" has been immensely helpful in regulating myself. Would highly, hiiighly recommend!!!

Someone on the therapists sub shared this link. I just looked it up and it seems to come from an Indonesian university's file repository: https://smartlib.umri.ac.id/assets/uploads/files/772b0-schema-therapy.pdf

Disclaimer that I do have a master's degree in English and that not everyone can just pick up an advanced psychology book for clinicians, and that it sucks that we don't have a lot of resources tailored to us, but I still wanted to share!