u/No-Deer9249

My husband of 5 years and I separated in October, but still lived together and “tried” to work on things until I moved out the end of March. I was not emotionally there for him like he wanted and didn’t show him I appreciated him regardless of know I was very appreciative of everything he had done over our 12 years together. He said that he’s not “in love” with me and that there will never be an us again. He has told me he’s done and that he wants to file for divorce, but he hasn’t acted on anything yet. We’ve talked about it, but nothing has been mentioned in almost a month. I know I’m holding onto hope, that I probably shouldn’t. I just can’t help but think maybe if we give an actual separation the time it needs that he could change his mind… I didn’t want to separate and I really don’t want to divorce. I know I have my issues I need to work on and I am taking it seriously now. I just should have done it sooner. I hate myself for the hurt I caused him.

I just wonder if reconciliation could happen?

Our anniversary is tomorrow and I’m so emotional. I know he won’t reach out and I’m not poking the bear. I just wish I knew if he is feeling as upset as I am about us not being together. I kind of figure he doesn’t, but the grief over what would have been our 5th wedding anniversary has me so upset.

I miss you
4.27.26 - I miss you, I fight the urge daily to reach out to you, other than about our son, but I know it’ll make things worse.
4.28.26 - I hid all of our pictures, I’m not going to delete them, but I still miss you. Not the thought of you, I miss you and everything about you
-you were the first person I told about my grade and you were the only person I wanted to tell when I passed my test
4.29.26 - I still miss you. I wondered how your day went and what you and our buddy were up too. But I didn’t reach out. I wonder if you think about me other than my flaws and I wonder if you miss me at all
4.30.26 - I dreamt about us all night. That you and I were able to work on things. But it was just a dream.
I cried in the shower about how I took you for granted. Everything you did for me and how you loved me and I just didn’t appreciate anything
5.1.26 - thought about you all day again. I want to tell you I miss you and that I’m sorry, but that’s just me being selfish.
5.3.26 - you asked if I was okay. No I’m not okay. Seeing you kills me. I didn’t want to cry in front of you. I’m trying to move on, but I can’t let you go. I hate myself for how I treated you and neglected you, when all you did was give me all of you.
5.4.26 - I wanted to call you to tell you I didn’t feel good about my exam. I needed a hug from you and for you to tell me everything will be okay. But I know you don’t feel the same. I miss you so much. You’re my person and I hate that we are apart. I know you’re done but I wish you’d reconsider. I went out with people from class. I only wanted to talk to you and be with you, but I know you don’t miss me or want to be around me.
5.5.26 - I cried a lot yesterday. I was supposed to be happy that I passed my class and am headed to my final semester, but I’m not. This wasn’t how school was supposed to end up. I was supposed to finish for us to be better in life, not falling apart. You’re supposed to pin me and be there cheering me on, but our life together is ending. This isn’t a happy chapter of my life. I wish we could find our way back to a new healthy relationship. Start over and continue our lives together stronger. But I’m still grieving this decision. I’m still not going to bother you and I still want you happy. I just wish we could find happiness together again. I still want it to be you. I still refuse to give up on us, but I’m going to do it quietly and I’m going to fix myself and still hope we can find our way back together. I can do the alone thing, but I don’t want to.
5.6.26 - you slipped and called me baby, and I miss that so much. Part of me hopes you never stop slipping up saying it. I wish you never stopped. I know we need the space, but I’d give anything to be your baby/wife again. I really wish we could make this work. I would do anything for you still. I just wish you missed me like I miss you and wanted to work on us. Please don’t file, please don’t give up on us. I wish we could work on this. I pray for you, I pray that you find happiness even though I know you don’t want me like I want you. I wish I could earn your trust back. I am working on getting better for myself and for you, to be the person you need. I hope one day I get the privilege to show you and love you how you deserve.

I miss you
4.27.26 - I miss you, I fight the urge daily to reach out to you, other than about our son, but I know it’ll make things worse.
4.28.26 - I hid all of our pictures, I’m not going to delete them, but I still miss you. Not the thought of you, I miss you and everything about you
-you were the first person I told about my grade and you were the only person I wanted to tell when I passed my test
4.29.26 - I still miss you. I wondered how your day went and what you and our buddy were up too. But I didn’t reach out. I wonder if you think about me other than my flaws and I wonder if you miss me at all
4.30.26 - I dreamt about us all night. That you and I were able to work on things. But it was just a dream.
I cried in the shower about how I took you for granted. Everything you did for me and how you loved me and I just didn’t appreciate anything
5.1.26 - thought about you all day again. I want to tell you I miss you and that I’m sorry, but that’s just me being selfish.
5.3.26 - you asked if I was okay. No I’m not okay. Seeing you kills me. I didn’t want to cry in front of you. I’m trying to move on, but I can’t let you go. I hate myself for how I treated you and neglected you, when all you did was give me all of you.
5.4.26 - I wanted to call you to tell you I didn’t feel good about my exam. I needed a hug from you and for you to tell me everything will be okay. But I know you don’t feel the same. I miss you so much. You’re my person and I hate that we are apart. I know you’re done but I wish you’d reconsider. I went out with people from class. I only wanted to talk to you and be with you, but I know you don’t miss me or want to be around me.
5.5.26 - I cried a lot yesterday. I was supposed to be happy that I passed my class and am headed to my final semester, but I’m not. This wasn’t how school was supposed to end up. I was supposed to finish for us to be better in life, not falling apart. You’re supposed to pin me and be there cheering me on, but our life together is ending. This isn’t a happy chapter of my life. I wish we could find our way back to a new healthy relationship. Start over and continue our lives together stronger. But I’m still grieving this decision. I’m still not going to bother you and I still want you happy. I just wish we could find happiness together again. I still want it to be you. I still refuse to give up on us, but I’m going to do it quietly and I’m going to fix myself and still hope we can find our way back together. I can do the alone thing, but I don’t want to.
5.6.26 - you slipped and called me baby, and I miss that so much. Part of me hopes you never stop slipping up saying it. I wish you never stopped. I know we need the space, but I’d give anything to be your baby/wife again. I really wish we could make this work. I would do anything for you still. I just wish you missed me like I miss you and wanted to work on us. Please don’t file, please don’t give up on us. I wish we could work on this. I pray for you, I pray that you find happiness even though I know you don’t want me like I want you. I wish I could earn your trust back. I am working on getting better for myself and for you, to be the person you need. I hope one day I get the privilege to show you and love you how you deserve.

I (33f) and my husband (34m), initially, quietly separated in October, but remained in the same house until I moved out 5 weeks ago. We were together 12 years and would have been married 5 years this month. He and I have obviously had our issues, who hasn’t? I was the root of a lot of the problems because I was hardheaded, selfish, didn’t make him a priority, used my traumas as excuses constantly, kept walls up, pushed him away and wouldn’t love him the way he asked me too. I always complained, bitched when he was off doing stuff (harmless - hunting, fishing, work dinners). He told me time and time again I needed to work on my issues but I never really did, until October. Which didn’t help anything. I just pushed him further away. I do love him and I wish I could show him. He told me he is not in love with me, not attracted to me, and he is done for good. After a couple of weeks of begging, and now being “passionate” about getting him back it just pissed him off more. He said that he finally has relief and that he is himself again. He wants to get the divorce handled quickly. He’s ready to start talking to other women. I want him happy and I am giving him what he wants. I just can’t let go of hope that maybe there could be something in the future.

This is probably for the best, but I just can’t let go of the hope that eventually we could probably find our way back.

I’m focusing on healing my childhood traumas and learning to let down the walls. I know it’s too late, just wish in a few months to a year, there could be something reconsider.

But I am taking accountability for my actions in our downfall and I am respecting his request to not be tied to me in a relationship he doesn’t, want so he can live his life.

why can’t I let go?