u/New_Use683

I am 26, i was raised by an alcoholic father and he committed suicide in 2019 when I was 18. I have a lot of trauma from that.

In 2022 I started dating my partner, maybe fiancé, I really don't know anymore. He's a recovering addict and alcoholic. When we met he was freshly sober and in a drug court program. He had a 3 year old daughter.

We've been together since then, and he relapsed once, in 2023. It ended up with him in rehab for 30 days and he came back on the right track and was doing really well until 2025.

The mother of his child was also an addict. We suspected she'd been using for a while but he was too afraid of rocking the boat to do anything about it. At the end of 2024 I convinced him he needed to get a lawyer to get an official custody agreement figured out. He did.

In August 2025 she ultimately died from her addiction. Their daughter was 5. He took immediate custody of their daughter and the maternal grandparents came around two weeks later with an emergency custody order and took her from him/us for 8 days. $40k in lawyer fees and he was granted full custody, their ex parte order was dismissed. He maintained his sobriety this entire time.

October of 25 he was released from drug court and he started drinking. He was drinking in moderation and trying to convince me and himself that he could handle it. I wasn't comfortable with it but he won't be told not to do anything. He kept this up. 1-2 beers a night about 4 nights a week. We fought about it on and off. I'd give in, just to save myself the grief, and then something would trigger me and it would restart the cycle and we fought.

He said he wanted to go back to trade school and I encouraged him to do it. We have a whole family now and our current jobs aren't cutting it. The plan was for him to go, and then when he's done and gets a job, I will go myself. He's in a 7 month program. School all day and then he works all night. I encouraged him to start as soon as possible, and I was willing and able to take on all of the childcare since he wouldn't be home to do it himself. He started at the end of March.

She is 6 now and she's in therapy and a kids grief support group once a week. My relationship with his daughter is beautiful and she's clung to me in lieu of her mother. She is attached to my hip.

He proposed early April. Our families are happy and excited for us. The next night after the proposal we attend a family Easter party and he drinks heavily. The night ends in a massive fight, him saying things like "we shouldn't get married", "I don't know why I proposed", "you're not who I thought you were".

The next morning he apologizes and he says he's going to stop drinking. A week later he's drinking again. After a couple of weeks of arguing he stops. A week later he's relapsed on coke. It was a one off and he admitted it immediately when I cornered him. This was early last week.. he's been abstinent since. Until last night. He came home from work and I smelled the liquor. He was drunk. The night ended with him telling me I should leave and a bunch more horrible statements about my character.

My dilemma is this:

I can't physically or emotionally handle this relationship unless he stays sober. He has too much on his plate and I'm trying to convince him to cut down on his hours at work to go to more meetings. He can't handle work, school, and being a single parent on his own.

I am trapped if he doesn't get sober. He can't handle his child alone while doing all of this other shit. He can't handle his child alone if he's drinking or using. He runs the obvious risk of killing himself.

If I leave, she will have lost two mothers in less than a year. He will spiral and she'll possibly lose her father too. If he doesn't die, he'll lose custody of her.

If I leave I will worry about the both of them for the rest of my life. Is he dead yet? Was it an overdose or suicide? Where is she? Is she okay?

I can't stomach this. I don't know what to do at this point.
I've seen him be sober and I know he can do it. I just don't know how long I can continue feeling like this and not lose myself entirely.

I know the obvious answer is to leave but it's not that simple. She's not mine. I can't take her with me. She will be fucked up no matter what. She's already struggling. I am struggling.

I need support.

When dealing with a child that reacts poorly to discipline, do you care how they feel about you?

I had to ask myself recently, do I care more about MY feelings about being disliked or am I more concerned with raising a responsible, kind, disciplined human?

Truthfully I do care, a lot. I hope that I'm not doing irreparable harm to our relationship by being "bad cop". However, I know that if I go too easy, my child will not learn how to be a decent adult.

This is the biggest home problem I'm trying to cope with lately, and I'm curious to hear from other moms. Bonus points if you were the hard ass mom and your kids are grown now -- please weigh in!

ETA: my daughter is not mine biologically and she came from a home with no responsibilities or consequences for poor behavior. She is also a very well behaved child so consequences are deeply upsetting to her because they're rare. There is no screaming or spanking going on in my home, I'd say I'm taking more of a gentle parenting route but a little firmer. She never said she hated me, but her response to discipline is so strong that it feels like she does! We are both doing our best and YES she's in two different kinds of therapy weekly 🤍

Hi, I'm stepmom to SD6. Does anyone know of a sub or any other support resources for people who are stepparents to children whose birth parent died? I'm a full time mom to this child only since her birth mother died and she, naturally, was placed with her father. A lot of issues I'm dealing with are specific to this dynamic. Any advice?