u/NaiveFinish64 — reddlx

Look, I'm not looking for a direct diagnosis of "yes you're a transsexual" or "no you are not you fucking fake". I know that's not for redditors to decide. But I think this sub is going to give me much more level headed and adequate response/advice, rather than "yes bro 100%, you're a real man!"

I'm 17 and I've had the wish to be male for quite a big part of my life, right after puberty especially (though before that I used to live in my imagination as a boy...still do) I hated curves, I starved to get rid of them, I hated my body fat distribution into my butt and breasts, I hated the periods, tried to starve to get rid of those too, I hated the treatment of females and the roles assigned to me, the expectations, the treatment from male friends and the assumption that I'm emotional, hysterical, incompetent. Being treated as a warm hole made for fucking. There are many reasons, and my attraction to women is also one of them. I get jealous when I see straight women simping over men, men that are butt ugly but are getting attention cause they're tall. I have so much envy for tall men and attractive men...It's unbearable. Also the idea that I've been dealt an easy hand because I'm female, people assume I'm some sort of a pussy that couldn't handle being a man, even though I've been lonely, bullied, abused and mistreated my entire life. I don't just hate the "hard" parts of femaleness, I hate the positive privileges too. Like, I don't know, chivalry? Someone opening a door for me? An old man offering to buy me a vodka on the street? I don't see them as pleasant because I connect that to => they see me as a pathetic teen girl.

Another event that spiked this was losing my virginity to a man in his 30s at 16, high on ketamine and drunk on vodka. I despised my anatomy. I wanted to cut myself up and I had dreams of genital mutilation.

So, now I'm wondering...Should I consider being a man? Or just be female and try to keep the minor benefits that I will get socially through being cis and female? What benefit do I even really get out of it? I don't value sexual attraction. I wouldn't mind being singled out and ignored, but I definitely do prefer the kind of attraction women have for attractive males. But I'm afraid no one will ever see me as a real man. What if I turn out to be a pathetic parody? God, I wish I was just born male...I wouldn't have to think about all of this, about the reactions of people surrounding me, about the treatment trans people receive. The way they're mocked, belittled and hate crimed. I'm lost.

I would have to go abroad too, gender affirming medical stuff isn't legal where I live. So for now I just bind and try and dress masculine but my mother freaks out and cries even over that, so I think she will go insane if I ever consider anything more.

Man, I'm fucking pathetic. Though I would value experiences of transsexual men after transitioning. Also, my therapist thinks this is Freudian penis envy...so I don't know. How is Freudian penis envy different from sex dysphoria?