u/MattTheKat85

Warning: Long Read!

This is kind of a long story. But, ill do my best to summarize. I am a 40 year old man, who has been addicted my entire adult life and part of my childhood even.

Ive beat every addiction so far. But, not the addiction or disease itself, obviously. I realize that will always be with me.i know ive permanently altered my brain.

I accept that. I hate it. But, I accept it. So, recently I became addicted to 7oh. Then, pseudoindoxyl. They are both so evil man. Out of all the hard shit I've done throughout my life, ive never came across a drug that produces such atrocious WD.

I literally wanted to kill myself every time I tried to quit and would get sooooo sick. I mean, sick sick. I started taking it 8 months ago. And I lost everything and everyone in that time. It destroyed my life like no drug ever has. I literally would message every single person I knew and lie to try to get $ for it. To the point I was basically harassing ppl. I know many suspected. But, no one knew for sure. Most of them still would speak to me. But, my life spiraled fast. To the point where I told myself, if I don't get off of this somehow and fast, its either gonna be me or the drug that goes. Bc I couldn't maintain anymore. I didnt have the strength. My health was deteriorating so fast bc of this filth. Ive always been healthy. But, its wrecked my body. So, one day recently I was so fed up with me, with the lies, with using ppl, manipulating them, etc. (I actually didnt steal this time for it as I have in the past for other shit) But, irregardless, I was fed tf up! I wanted to come clean. So, I did. I made a video explaining to everyone what 7oh is, how I got addicted to it, how bad the WD's are, and also most importantly, I apologized to everyone and told them all the truth. I did so while crying like a bitch. I poured my soul out apologizing. Fast forward. This video as well as my actions caused every single human that knows me or my name to disown me, excommunicate me, block me, threaten my life, multiple ppl told me to kill myself, etc... So, I cant get one soul to even say one word to me. Its like they are all in on it together almost. Ive actually seen a post i wasnt supposed to see on FB and it was literally about me. All the comments, ppl were talking all this mad, crazy shit about me, a lot of it was actually complete and total fucking lies. Like just blatant total lies. Man, it hurt to see ppl mocking me, laughing at my suffering and pain, lying about me, spreading rumors and gossiping about me, etc...

So, ive lost everything. And everyone. Even my fiance at the time left me. We still live together and she does still love me and support me, but she also resents me now and she has even said so. So, I will have to move out of here very, very quickly. Bc im not wanted here anymore. Thats been made clear. Shes already been way more patient than she should've been.

I started methadone today and have had great success with it in the past. So, im starting my sobriety journey today. This is day 1. I was excited. But, after really thinking about everything, im just fucking scared and depressed and alone. I realized I dont know how im going to live. The attorney general garnishes 50% of all my wages. I unfortunately just CANT afford any place on my own at all. Ive done the math many times. I just cant. I would need a roommate for certain.

In the past when I was homeless, I had so many ppl and friends that talked to me and supported me, would send me food, money and necessities allllll the time. I survived bc of this. If I end up in the streets in a few days or even today, I wont have any way to survive. Zero support. Zero. I have now been blacklisted in this entire town. BLACKLISTED! I dont even have a job yet. I was trying to get off this shit first, the WD were always crippling me, I couldn't function. I couldn't work. My health was horrible and still is. All I want is to live my life and be happy again, or even better, content. I wanted some semblance of support. I dont. I cant just up and leave this area either bc my 3 children live here. Ive already missed too much time recently with them bc of me being sick all the damn time. They dont understand why.

I already feel like such a horrible father. So moving away, at least right now is not possible for me. After theyre adults I want to badly though.

What do I do guys? My name is completely tarnished here. No one wants to hire me bc of it, no one will speak to me, even if i had a job somehow miraculously. I still couldn't afford to live ANYWHERE. This all is sooo disheartening and discouraging and honestly heartbreaking. I am so fucking sad now, worried, anxious, depressed, hopeless, etc ...

It has me thinking sometimes, what is the point of even trying to get better anymore? What is the point of living this kind of life?

I dont wanna give up, or fucking attempt something stupid. I wanted to fight for my life back. But, wtf kind of life would I be going back to?

I dont even have anyone to talk to, so I have to come on reddit.

Guys, any encouragement would mean the world to me rn. Any advice, tips, life experiences, etc

I would be so grateful.

I cant believe I allowed myself to get here, to where I am now. I never thought anyone's life could be irreparable. But, I truly believe mine is now.

Whats really insane to me, is that in my addiction when I was lying to everyone, I ALWAYS got help or money whenever I wanted or needed. Now, that ive been honest and continue to be honest, no one will help at all. They all walked.

I really hate me.

I really do.

Plz help guys. I genuinely do not know what to do.

Sorry for the long read. But, am I overreacting?

Warning: Long Read!

This is kind of a long story. But, ill do my best to summarize. I am a 40 year old man, who has been addicted my entire adult life and part of my childhood even.

Ive beat every addiction so far. But, not the addiction or disease itself, obviously. I realize that will always be with me.i know ive permanently altered my brain.

I accept that. I hate it. But, I accept it. So, recently I became addicted to 7oh. Then, pseudoindoxyl. They are both so evil man. Out of all the hard shit I've done throughout my life, ive never came across a drug that produces such atrocious WD.

I literally wanted to kill myself every time I tried to quit and would get sooooo sick. I mean, sick sick. I started taking it 8 months ago. And I lost everything and everyone in that time. It destroyed my life like no drug ever has. I literally would message every single person I knew and lie to try to get $ for it. To the point I was basically harassing ppl. I know many suspected. But, no one knew for sure. Most of them still would speak to me. But, my life spiraled fast. To the point where I told myself, if I don't get off of this somehow and fast, its either gonna be me or the drug that goes. Bc I couldn't maintain anymore. I didnt have the strength. My health was deteriorating so fast bc of this filth. Ive always been healthy. But, its wrecked my body. So, one day recently I was so fed up with me, with the lies, with using ppl, manipulating them, etc. (I actually didnt steal this time for it as I have in the past for other shit) But, irregardless, I was fed tf up! I wanted to come clean. So, I did. I made a video explaining to everyone what 7oh is, how I got addicted to it, how bad the WD's are, and also most importantly, I apologized to everyone and told them all the truth. I did so while crying like a bitch. I poured my soul out apologizing. Fast forward. This video as well as my actions caused every single human that knows me or my name to disown me, excommunicate me, block me, threaten my life, multiple ppl told me to kill myself, etc... So, I cant get one soul to even say one word to me. Its like they are all in on it together almost. Ive actually seen a post i wasnt supposed to see on FB and it was literally about me. All the comments, ppl were talking all this mad, crazy shit about me, a lot of it was actually complete and total fucking lies. Like just blatant total lies. Man, it hurt to see ppl mocking me, laughing at my suffering and pain, lying about me, spreading rumors and gossiping about me, etc...

So, ive lost everything. And everyone. Even my fiance at the time left me. We still live together and she does still love me and support me, but she also resents me now and she has even said so. So, I will have to move out of here very, very quickly. Bc im not wanted here anymore. Thats been made clear. Shes already been way more patient than she should've been.

I started methadone today and have had great success with it in the past. So, im starting my sobriety journey today. This is day 1. I was excited. But, after really thinking about everything, im just fucking scared and depressed and alone. I realized I dont know how im going to live. The attorney general garnishes 50% of all my wages. I unfortunately just CANT afford any place on my own at all. Ive done the math many times. I just cant. I would need a roommate for certain.

In the past when I was homeless, I had so many ppl and friends that talked to me and supported me, would send me food, money and necessities allllll the time. I survived bc of this. If I end up in the streets in a few days or even today, I wont have any way to survive. Zero support. Zero. I have now been blacklisted in this entire town. BLACKLISTED! I dont even have a job yet. I was trying to get off this shit first, the WD were always crippling me, I couldn't function. I couldn't work. My health was horrible and still is. All I want is to live my life and be happy again, or even better, content. I wanted some semblance of support. I dont. I cant just up and leave this area either bc my 3 children live here. Ive already missed too much time recently with them bc of me being sick all the damn time. They dont understand why.

I already feel like such a horrible father. So moving away, at least right now is not possible for me. After theyre adults I want to badly though.

What do I do guys? My name is completely tarnished here. No one wants to hire me bc of it, no one will speak to me, even if i had a job somehow miraculously. I still couldn't afford to live ANYWHERE. This all is sooo disheartening and discouraging and honestly heartbreaking. I am so fucking sad now, worried, anxious, depressed, hopeless, etc ...

It has me thinking sometimes, what is the point of even trying to get better anymore? What is the point of living this kind of life?

I dont wanna give up, or fucking attempt something stupid. I wanted to fight for my life back. But, wtf kind of life would I be going back to?

I dont even have anyone to talk to, so I have to come on reddit.

Guys, any encouragement would mean the world to me rn. Any advice, tips, life experiences, etc

I would be so grateful.

I cant believe I allowed myself to get here, to where I am now. I never thought anyone's life could be irreparable. But, I truly believe mine is now.

Whats really insane to me, is that in my addiction when I was lying to everyone, I ALWAYS got help or money whenever I wanted or needed. Now, that ive been honest and continue to be honest, no one will help at all. They all walked.

I really hate me.

I really do.

Plz help guys. I genuinely do not know what to do.

Sorry for the long read.

Warning: Long Read!

This is kind of a long story. But, ill do my best to summarize. I am a 40 year old man, who has been addicted my entire adult life and part of my childhood even.

Ive beat every addiction so far. But, not the addiction or disease itself, obviously. I realize that will always be with me.i know ive permanently altered my brain.

I accept that. I hate it. But, I accept it. So, recently I became addicted to 7oh. Then, pseudoindoxyl. They are both so evil man. Out of all the hard shit I've done throughout my life, ive never came across a drug that produces such atrocious WD.

I literally wanted to kill myself every time I tried to quit and would get sooooo sick. I mean, sick sick. I started taking it 8 months ago. And I lost everything and everyone in that time. It destroyed my life like no drug ever has. I literally would message every single person I knew and lie to try to get $ for it. To the point I was basically harassing ppl. I know many suspected. But, no one knew for sure. Most of them still would speak to me. But, my life spiraled fast. To the point where I told myself, if I don't get off of this somehow and fast, its either gonna be me or the drug that goes. Bc I couldn't maintain anymore. I didnt have the strength. My health was deteriorating so fast bc of this filth. Ive always been healthy. But, its wrecked my body. So, one day recently I was so fed up with me, with the lies, with using ppl, manipulating them, etc. (I actually didnt steal this time for it as I have in the past for other shit) But, irregardless, I was fed tf up! I wanted to come clean. So, I did. I made a video explaining to everyone what 7oh is, how I got addicted to it, how bad the WD's are, and also most importantly, I apologized to everyone and told them all the truth. I did so while crying like a bitch. I poured my soul out apologizing. Fast forward. This video as well as my actions caused every single human that knows me or my name to disown me, excommunicate me, block me, threaten my life, multiple ppl told me to kill myself, etc... So, I cant get one soul to even say one word to me. Its like they are all in on it together almost. Ive actually seen a post i wasnt supposed to see on FB and it was literally about me. All the comments, ppl were talking all this mad, crazy shit about me, a lot of it was actually complete and total fucking lies. Like just blatant total lies. Man, it hurt to see ppl mocking me, laughing at my suffering and pain, lying about me, spreading rumors and gossiping about me, etc...

So, ive lost everything. And everyone. Even my fiance at the time left me. We still live together and she does still love me and support me, but she also resents me now and she has even said so. So, I will have to move out of here very, very quickly. Bc im not wanted here anymore. Thats been made clear. Shes already been way more patient than she should've been.

I started methadone today and have had great success with it in the past. So, im starting my sobriety journey today. This is day 1. I was excited. But, after really thinking about everything, im just fucking scared and depressed and alone. I realized I dont know how im going to live. The attorney general garnishes 50% of all my wages. I unfortunately just CANT afford any place on my own at all. Ive done the math many times. I just cant. I would need a roommate for certain.

In the past when I was homeless, I had so many ppl and friends that talked to me and supported me, would send me food, money and necessities allllll the time. I survived bc of this. If I end up in the streets in a few days or even today, I wont have any way to survive. Zero support. Zero. I have now been blacklisted in this entire town. BLACKLISTED! I dont even have a job yet. I was trying to get off this shit first, the WD were always crippling me, I couldn't function. I couldn't work. My health was horrible and still is. All I want is to live my life and be happy again, or even better, content. I wanted some semblance of support. I dont. I cant just up and leave this area either bc my 3 children live here. Ive already missed too much time recently with them bc of me being sick all the damn time. They dont understand why.

I already feel like such a horrible father. So moving away, at least right now is not possible for me. After theyre adults I want to badly though.

What do I do guys? My name is completely tarnished here. No one wants to hire me bc of it, no one will speak to me, even if i had a job somehow miraculously. I still couldn't afford to live ANYWHERE. This all is sooo disheartening and discouraging and honestly heartbreaking. I am so fucking sad now, worried, anxious, depressed, hopeless, etc ...

It has me thinking sometimes, what is the point of even trying to get better anymore? What is the point of living this kind of life?

I dont wanna give up, or fucking attempt something stupid. I wanted to fight for my life back. But, wtf kind of life would I be going back to?

I dont even have anyone to talk to, so I have to come on reddit.

Guys, any encouragement would mean the world to me rn. Any advice, tips, life experiences, etc

I would be so grateful.

I cant believe I allowed myself to get here, to where I am now. I never thought anyone's life could be irreparable. But, I truly believe mine is now.

Whats really insane to me, is that in my addiction when I was lying to everyone, I ALWAYS got help or money whenever I wanted or needed. Now, that ive been honest and continue to be honest, no one will help at all. They all walked.

I really hate me.

I really do.

Plz help guys. I genuinely do not know what to do.

Sorry for the long read.

Warning: Long Read!

This is kind of a long story. But, ill do my best to summarize. I am a 40 year old man, who has been addicted my entire adult life and part of my childhood even.

Ive beat every addiction so far. But, not the addiction or disease itself, obviously. I realize that will always be with me.i know ive permanently altered my brain.

I accept that. I hate it. But, I accept it. So, recently I became addicted to 7oh. Then, pseudoindoxyl. They are both so evil man. Out of all the hard shit I've done throughout my life, ive never came across a drug that produces such atrocious WD.

I literally wanted to kill myself every time I tried to quit and would get sooooo sick. I mean, sick sick. I started taking it 8 months ago. And I lost everything and everyone in that time. It destroyed my life like no drug ever has. I literally would message every single person I knew and lie to try to get $ for it. To the point I was basically harassing ppl. I know many suspected. But, no one knew for sure. Most of them still would speak to me. But, my life spiraled fast. To the point where I told myself, if I don't get off of this somehow and fast, its either gonna be me or the drug that goes. Bc I couldn't maintain anymore. I didnt have the strength. My health was deteriorating so fast bc of this filth. Ive always been healthy. But, its wrecked my body. So, one day recently I was so fed up with me, with the lies, with using ppl, manipulating them, etc. (I actually didnt steal this time for it as I have in the past for other shit) But, irregardless, I was fed tf up! I wanted to come clean. So, I did. I made a video explaining to everyone what 7oh is, how I got addicted to it, how bad the WD's are, and also most importantly, I apologized to everyone and told them all the truth. I did so while crying like a bitch. I poured my soul out apologizing. Fast forward. This video as well as my actions caused every single human that knows me or my name to disown me, excommunicate me, block me, threaten my life, multiple ppl told me to kill myself, etc... So, I cant get one soul to even say one word to me. Its like they are all in on it together almost. Ive actually seen a post i wasnt supposed to see on FB and it was literally about me. All the comments, ppl were talking all this mad, crazy shit about me, a lot of it was actually complete and total fucking lies. Like just blatant total lies. Man, it hurt to see ppl mocking me, laughing at my suffering and pain, lying about me, spreading rumors and gossiping about me, etc...

So, ive lost everything. And everyone. Even my fiance at the time left me. We still live together and she does still love me and support me, but she also resents me now and she has even said so. So, I will have to move out of here very, very quickly. Bc im not wanted here anymore. Thats been made clear. Shes already been way more patient than she should've been.

I started methadone today and have had great success with it in the past. So, im starting my sobriety journey today. This is day 1. I was excited. But, after really thinking about everything, im just fucking scared and depressed and alone. I realized I dont know how im going to live. The attorney general garnishes 50% of all my wages. I unfortunately just CANT afford any place on my own at all. Ive done the math many times. I just cant. I would need a roommate for certain.

In the past when I was homeless, I had so many ppl and friends that talked to me and supported me, would send me food, money and necessities allllll the time. I survived bc of this. If I end up in the streets in a few days or even today, I wont have any way to survive. Zero support. Zero. I have now been blacklisted in this entire town. BLACKLISTED! I dont even have a job yet. I was trying to get off this shit first, the WD were always crippling me, I couldn't function. I couldn't work. My health was horrible and still is. All I want is to live my life and be happy again, or even better, content. I wanted some semblance of support. I dont. I cant just up and leave this area either bc my 3 children live here. Ive already missed too much time recently with them bc of me being sick all the damn time. They dont understand why.

I already feel like such a horrible father. So moving away, at least right now is not possible for me. After theyre adults I want to badly though.

What do I do guys? My name is completely tarnished here. No one wants to hire me bc of it, no one will speak to me, even if i had a job somehow miraculously. I still couldn't afford to live ANYWHERE. This all is sooo disheartening and discouraging and honestly heartbreaking. I am so fucking sad now, worried, anxious, depressed, hopeless, etc ...

It has me thinking sometimes, what is the point of even trying to get better anymore? What is the point of living this kind of life?

I dont wanna give up, or fucking attempt something stupid. I wanted to fight for my life back. But, wtf kind of life would I be going back to?

I dont even have anyone to talk to, so I have to come on reddit.

Guys, any encouragement would mean the world to me rn. Any advice, tips, life experiences, etc

I would be so grateful.

I cant believe I allowed myself to get here, to where I am now. I never thought anyone's life could be irreparable. But, I truly believe mine is now.

Whats really insane to me, is that in my addiction when I was lying to everyone, I ALWAYS got help or money whenever I wanted or needed. Now, that ive been honest and continue to be honest, no one will help at all. They all walked.

I really hate me.

I really do.

Plz help guys. I genuinely do not know what to do.

Sorry for the long read.