u/Learning_Investment

TL;DR: Married 3 years after long distance, wife promised to move after 1 year but keeps delaying due to job transfer. I feel lonely and stuck, and talking hasn’t changed anything.
Hi everyone,

I have been married for 3 years now. Before marriage, we were in a long distance relationship for quite a while. Overall, we get along well and have a good connection, aside from the usual disagreements any couple might have.

My wife works a government job. Before we got married, I made it clear that I didn’t want a long distance marriage long-term because I really need emotional support from my partner (I am also doing an industry PhD, so things can get overwhelming sometimes). She agreed and said that after about a year, once she completed her probation or initial period, she would move and live with me permanently.

It has now been more than 3 years. Every time I bring it up, she says she is waiting to get a transfer and asks for a bit more time. I had initially given a rough timeline until early 2025, but that’s passed and the situation hasn’t changed. It just keeps getting postponed.

For context, we don’t have financial pressure that requires both of us to work. However, her qualifications are quite specific, and her current job is the only viable option for her career. On the other hand, I can’t relocate to her location because I wouldn’t be able to find suitable work there.

I’m feeling stuck and unsure what to do next. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: Married 3 years after long distance, wife promised to move after 1 year but keeps delaying due to job transfer. I feel lonely and stuck, and talking hasn’t changed anything.
Hi everyone,

I have been married for 3 years now. Before marriage, we were in a long distance relationship for quite a while. Overall, we get along well and have a good connection, aside from the usual disagreements any couple might have.

My wife works a government job. Before we got married, I made it clear that I didn’t want a long distance marriage long-term because I really need emotional support from my partner (I am also doing an industry PhD, so things can get overwhelming sometimes). She agreed and said that after about a year, once she completed her probation or initial period, she would move and live with me permanently.

It has now been more than 3 years. Every time I bring it up, she says she is waiting to get a transfer and asks for a bit more time. I had initially given a rough timeline until early 2025, but that’s passed and the situation hasn’t changed. It just keeps getting postponed.

For context, we don’t have financial pressure that requires both of us to work. However, her qualifications are quite specific, and her current job is the only viable option for her career. On the other hand, I can’t relocate to her location because I wouldn’t be able to find suitable work there.

I’m feeling stuck and unsure what to do next. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: Married 3 years after long distance, wife promised to move after 1 year but keeps delaying due to job transfer. I feel lonely and stuck, and talking hasn’t changed anything.
Hi everyone,

I have been married for 3 years now. Before marriage, we were in a long distance relationship for quite a while. Overall, we get along well and have a good connection, aside from the usual disagreements any couple might have.

My wife works a government job. Before we got married, I made it clear that I didn’t want a long distance marriage long-term because I really need emotional support from my partner (I am also doing an industry PhD, so things can get overwhelming sometimes). She agreed and said that after about a year, once she completed her probation or initial period, she would move and live with me permanently.

It has now been more than 3 years. Every time I bring it up, she says she is waiting to get a transfer and asks for a bit more time. I had initially given a rough timeline until early 2025, but that’s passed and the situation hasn’t changed. It just keeps getting postponed.

For context, we don’t have financial pressure that requires both of us to work. However, her qualifications are quite specific, and her current job is the only viable option for her career. On the other hand, I can’t relocate to her location because I wouldn’t be able to find suitable work there.

I’m feeling stuck and unsure what to do next. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you handle it?

Any advice would be appreciated.

I am looking for honest advice from people with experience in PhDs, supervision, or academia-industry setups.

I am currently working full-time in the industry (computer science) and enrolled in a PhD at a European university. My current supervisor is also a scientific advisor to my company. The PhD is mostly remote, with only occasional short visits to the university.

Over the past four years, I have had ongoing issues with supervision. Expectations often feel closer to a full-time on campus PhD, but the guidance has not been very clear or consistent. Feedback can take one to two months on some sections of the draft, and the direction can change from one meeting to another.

So far, I have one publication. Another paper wasn't allowed to be submitted due to quality concerns, and one is in the pipeline to get his review. I looked into his other students. His full-time on campus PhD students typically take 5.5 years to finish.

We recently had a meeting to discuss expectations and timeline, but I still did not get any concrete answers. The responses were mostly along the lines of "it depends."

I do not have unlimited time. My employer wants me to wrap this up asap, and there is pressure from that side as well.

Now I am considering changing supervisors. I know another professor (He will be joining my employer on sabbatical leave soon) personally from a past internship and my line manager also knows him. He seems much more flexible and responsive, and he is open to working with my current work as it is.

The downside is that he is not as directly aligned with my exact research area. My company is okay with switching supervisors and has left the decision to me.

Has anyone switched supervisors at a late stage and achieved a good result?

Any red flags I should watch for in the transition process?

Is it common for industry PhDs to have these kinds of supervisory conflicts?

I am looking for honest advice from people with experience in PhDs, supervision, or academia-industry setups.

I am currently working full-time in the industry (computer science) and enrolled in a PhD at a European university. My current supervisor is also a scientific advisor to my company. The PhD is mostly remote, with only occasional short visits to the university.

Over the past four years, I have had ongoing issues with supervision. Expectations often feel closer to a full-time on campus PhD, but the guidance has not been very clear or consistent. Feedback can take one to two months on some sections of the draft, and the direction can change from one meeting to another.

So far, I have one publication. Another paper wasn't allowed to be submitted due to quality concerns, and one is in the pipeline to get his review. I looked into his other students. His full-time on campus PhD students typically take 5.5 years to finish.

We recently had a meeting to discuss expectations and timeline, but I still did not get any concrete answers. The responses were mostly along the lines of "it depends."

I do not have unlimited time. My employer wants me to wrap this up asap, and there is pressure from that side as well.

Now I am considering changing supervisors. I know another professor (He will be joining my employer on sabbatical leave soon) personally from a past internship. He seems much more flexible and responsive, and he is open to working with my current work as it is.

The downside is that he is not as directly aligned with my exact research area. My company is okay with switching supervisors and has left the decision to me.

Has anyone switched supervisors at a late stage and achieved a good result?

Any red flags I should watch for in the transition process?

Is it common for industry PhDs to have these kinds of supervisory conflicts?

I am looking for honest advice from people with experience in PhDs, supervision, or academia-industry setups.

I am currently working full-time in the industry (computer science) and enrolled in a PhD at a European university. My current supervisor is also a scientific advisor to my company. The PhD is mostly remote, with only occasional short visits to the university.

Over the past four years, I have had ongoing issues with supervision. Expectations often feel closer to a full-time on campus PhD, but the guidance has not been very clear or consistent. Feedback can take one to two months on some sections of the draft, and the direction can change from one meeting to another.

So far, I have one publication. Another paper wasn't allowed to be submitted due to quality concerns, and one is in the pipeline to get his review. I looked into his other students. His full-time on campus PhD students typically take 5.5 years to finish.

We recently had a meeting to discuss expectations and timeline, but I still did not get any concrete answers. The responses were mostly along the lines of "it depends."

I do not have unlimited time. My employer wants me to wrap this up asap, and there is pressure from that side as well.

Now I am considering changing supervisors. I know another professor (He will be joining my employer on sabbatical leave soon) personally from a past internship. He seems much more flexible and responsive, and he is open to working with my current work as it is.

The downside is that he is not as directly aligned with my exact research area. My company is okay with switching supervisors and has left the decision to me.

Has anyone switched supervisors at a late stage and achieved a good result?

Any red flags I should watch for in the transition process?

Is it common for industry PhDs to have these kinds of supervisory conflicts?