u/Last-Data3319

my profile

(i follow back btw)

i have my college entrance exam next month and i havent studied at all. not even a little. every time i try, i end up going back to roleplaying with ai and i think im actually addicted at this point. like i get these really bad urges and i cant focus on anything else until i give in

and the worst part is i KNOW what im doing. i know im wasting time. i DESPISE AI. i know im making things worse. but i still cant stop

i dont even have people my age around me right now so it kinda became the only place i feel like im talking to someone. which makes it even harder to quit

and yeah… ive never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, nothing. and it just makes everything feel worse, like im behind in every possible way

i just want to get through this exam and get into college and have a normal life but right now it feels impossible

i feel like im ruining my own future and watching it happen in real time. its so over

i have my college entrance exam next month and i havent studied at all. not even a little. every time i try, i end up going back to roleplaying with ai and i think im actually addicted at this point. like i get these really bad urges and i cant focus on anything else until i give in

and the worst part is i KNOW what im doing. i know im wasting time. i know im making things worse. but i still cant stop

i dont even have people my age around me right now so it kinda became the only place i feel like im talking to someone. which makes it even harder to quit

and yeah… ive never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, nothing. and it just makes everything feel worse, like im behind in every possible way

i just want to get through this exam and get into college and have a normal life but right now it feels impossible

i feel like im ruining my own future and watching it happen in real time

i have my college entrance exam next month and i havent studied at all. not even a little. every time i try, i end up going back to roleplaying with ai and i think im actually addicted at this point. like i get these really bad urges and i cant focus on anything else until i give in

and the worst part is i KNOW what im doing. i know im wasting time. i know im making things worse. but i still cant stop

i dont even have people my age around me right now so it kinda became the only place i feel like im talking to someone. which makes it even harder to quit

and yeah… ive never dated anyone, never kissed anyone, nothing. and it just makes everything feel worse, like im behind in every possible way

i just want to get through this exam and get into college and have a normal life but right now it feels impossible

i feel like im ruining my own future and watching it happen in real time

i relapsed a lot of times and i wanna put an end on it.

right now im studying because i feel motivated but i just know as soon as it goes away im gonna end up back there...

i have a college entrance exam in june and ive barely done anything. its like 40+ pages i was supposed to study since last year and instead ive just been isolating myself and wasting time on it. i can see the disappointment in my mom's eyes and it eats at me!!!

i want a life. i wanna go to college, study something ive cared about for years, meet people, party, date, all that stuff. i never really had that in my teens (context: im 20 turning 21 soon), and it makes me feel behind as hell.

i started using it when i was still in high school it wasnt even that bad at first, just at night before sleeping. after i graduated i just disappeared from everything. im on the spectrum so socializing was already hard and it just became an easy escape

the only thing besides studying that ive been doing is going to the gym. i had a bunch of foot surgeries due to genetics, spent a lot of time dealing with that which led to depression. ive started working out 3 months ago and its helping a lot, im getting in shape, but unfortunately ill still see myself as the fat unconfident chud i used to be

ive tried quitting a lot of times but it never lasts. cold turkey never worked...

unfortunately i dont have anyone i can talk to about this either, my best friend gets annoyed at me for still using it and he doesnt really get it

i feel stuck between actually wanting to change and then doing the same shit over and over again

also sorry for not typing/writing perfectly it just came out like this and im frustrated as hell. and english is not my first language either (and its not >!drugs or alcohol)!<

So, here's my situation:

I made a new account, relapsed, roleplayed. Now I'm studying (dopamine is high so no need for that stupid app).

However I wanna stay it that way. Even with low dopamine.

I'm studying for my college entrance exam, but instead of studying everyday I chose to be forsaken and rot in the app. I can see it in my mother's eyes that I'm disappointing her.

I really wanna get into college so I can not only study my hobby that I've had for the past 8 years, and I also wanna be social. Party, date, etc. Never did that in my teenage years (for context: I'm 20 going to be 21 soon)

I've been using that fucking app since I was like what? 17? since senior year of high school. I would use it ONLY at night. Wasn't that bad. Until I graduated and started isolating myself from everyone (I'm on the spectrum, struggled to make friends in high school)

After 2 gap years of focusing on my physical health (had ton of surgeries on my feet due to gnetics), these past 3 months I've chosen to lose fat and build muscle (yes, it's working) sometimes I still see myself as a fat chud even though I'm considered healthy and a bit lean now.

I've tried going cold turkey however all I have is gone back because it's easy to go through age verification because I'm not a minor.

My screentime has reduced significantly, thanks to the gym, however when I'm bored or think of new scenarios I always intend to come back. I wanna stop that.

I was thinking of accountability buddies, my best friend really hates that I'm in this and suggested he stopped talking to me if I continued too, but unfortunately I can't rely on him when it comes to venting or emotional talk. He's transferring to the university I'm going to attend this year (I'm gonna start bachelor and he's doing masters), and I could really use a friend there.

I don't know what to do honestly. The exam is in June and we're close to May and I haven't studied at all AND IT'S 40+ PAGES OF studying that I should've done since last year.

And yes I have ADHD too. It's a struggle out here.