u/Justherebasically

I’ve only told a handful of people about my self harm. That is to say, ive told a few therapists. Then I also told some random stranger once when i was very drunk which was just embarrassing🫠 the stranger got my number and asked me once if “i was okay” and that was the extent to that. My therapists ive told had little to no reaction. I mean thats probably better than being grilled if im going to kms lol but i guess ive just always wished someone would show genuine concern for me

Lmao i hate myself. Im in the worst cycle. Let me walk until my feet are bleeding, carried by my heavy mind. Then the next day let me undo all of my “progress” and eat a bunch of chocolate. I need to stop buying sweets in general since I cannot for the life of me eat them in moderation. All of this for what?

I really don’t think I’m going to leave a very big “hole” when I die. I go through every single person I care about in my mind. My online friends? They’ve never met me in real life so it’s fine; they’ll move on quick enough surely. My best friend? She has a lovely long-term boyfriend and a decent network of friends. She is sociable and lovely and wise and so I know she’ll be okay. My other best friend, the one I grew up with? She has several siblings and two parents and cousins and a husband (I don’t like him but whatever) that she is close to. She’s someone I’ve held on quite a while for, because I love her and I would never want her to be sad. I’m easily replaced, though. She has many other people to love. My one parent? I don’t know and I don’t know that I even care. That sounds cold. I don’t know how I feel about my parent. My other friend? Again, she has family. We only hangout like once every six months so I know the “gap” I leave would be filled. I have no siblings so that’s no worry; I have no one I’m automatically “tied” to in that regard.

I don’t think anyone will care much when I die. Maybe for a little while but then it will fade. I know I should want to stick around for myself, but I don’t like myself. I just feel like I can easily be erased and replaced as just a “girl” people knew. If I die right now, in 5 years I feel like everyone will be moved on. I’m sad to say it but I think it’s true. I just can’t imagine anyone shedding a tear over me.

I once had a conversation, years ago, with a past friend. I can’t remember why but somehow the question “would you save <MY NAME> or yourself during a zombie apocalypse?” came up. And she said “myself, because more people care about me.” That’s how I feel about my life basically