u/Joe-the-smoe

At my age, I’m aware that many others started their musical journeys much younger. I’ve always written poetry with the intent of turning those words into songs, but functionally, I’m still a beginner. I have the tools—FL Studio and plenty of plugins—and I can occasionally stumble into a great loop or sound, but my struggle has always been commitment. I tend to work in bursts, stopping for months at a time and eventually having to relearn everything I’ve forgotten.
I am more than willing to sacrifice my immediate future for this. I have the time, the privacy, and the drive to stay in my room and just create. These ideas and sonic concepts are driving me crazy; I need to get them out. However, my perfectionism often leads to discouragement, and watching these ideas decay feels like watching my dreams die.
I’ve known for a long time that I want to make music, but I’ve struggled to build momentum. The list of what I want to master—theory, guitar, piano, vocals, and production—often feels overwhelming, especially with AuDHD. Lately, I’ve fallen back into a familiar depression, spending my days watching TV and daydreaming while I feel my best years slipping away.
The hope of finally expressing these thoughts through music is what has kept me going, but I know I can't survive on hope alone forever. Something has to actualize. Sometimes I wonder if this pursuit is foolish, especially since I’m skilled enough in math to simply become an engineer, but the need to create remains.

Any advice you guys?
Thank you

25M, straight

Diagnoses:
- ADHD
- Autism
- Anxiety
- Depression

So recently I’ve been struggling with the same oscillatory patterns I’ve dealt with most of my life. There are a lot of areas I want to improve, so I apologize in advance for the long post.

Mental Health:

I’ve struggled with my mental health for most of my life. I’ve hated myself for as long as I can remember. Because of my instability, I’ve recently struggled maintaining employment, and anytime I make progress in life, I somehow sabotage it.

I’ve been hospitalized twice, attempted suicide multiple times, and still deal with constant intrusive thoughts about harming myself. Recently I’ve felt myself slipping back into a familiar downward spiral.

My house is full of reminders of things I could be doing — textbooks scattered around, a guitar, music software, notebooks — but most days I just lie in bed watching TV, listening to the same music repeatedly, or spiraling over what my life has become.

Sometimes it genuinely feels like I’m guilty for trying to improve. Like failure is the role I was always meant to occupy, and it’s safer to hide away from the world than risk trying and failing again.

Despite all of this, I’m still trying to hold onto hope. I’ve climbed out of these states before, and part of me believes I can do it again.

Social Anxiety / Feeling Alien:

Socially, I feel completely disconnected from people. It’s like everyone else is speaking an adult language I never learned.

Conversations feel exhausting because I’m constantly aware of the distance between myself and other people. I’m extremely sensitive about my intelligence, and social people seem to operate effortlessly while I’m trying to decipher hidden rules in real time.

My social anxiety has gotten so severe before that I’ve literally fainted in stressful social situations.

A lot of the time I don’t even try to speak because it feels pointless and painful. I genuinely can’t tell whether people are cruel or if I’m simply too sensitive to normal human interaction.

I’ve never really felt human in the way other people seem to. More like a specimen under glass than an actual participant in life.

Creativity / Expression:

One of the strongest things I feel is this constant urge to create and express myself.

I want to make music. I want to draw. I want to write. I feel like I have all these ideas locked inside me slowly decaying because I can’t fully bring them into reality.

Lately the main thing I’ve managed to stay consistent with is writing poetry. I try to write something every day, even if it’s messy or terrible. I also wrote a script recently and made a few loops in my DAW, but beyond that I feel creatively empty.

What makes it worse is that art itself sometimes becomes painful for me to consume. Music, books, poetry — instead of inspiring me, they often remind me of everything I haven’t created yet.

Sometimes even hearing a great song hurts because it feels like another reminder of my own unrealized ideas.

Career / Direction:

Career-wise, I feel stuck in limbo.

I only have an associate’s degree in arts. I attempted three separate undergraduate majors and all of them eventually fell apart for different reasons.

I recently put in my two weeks at my DSP job, and I’m interviewing for a Walmart stocking position Tuesday.

The upside is that where I live, I could realistically work part-time and still go back to school if I wanted to.

Lately I’ve been considering becoming a math teacher. Math is one of the few things that genuinely calms me down. I enjoy solving problems, and I’ve always liked explaining math concepts to people.

The issue is commitment. I don’t know if I trust myself enough to follow through long term.

Physical Health:

My physical health isn’t great either.

I’m 6’0” and around 270 pounds. I’m naturally athletic enough to function fine physically, but I’ve been sedentary for years and barely exercise.

I also struggle heavily with food. Eating is one of my main coping mechanisms, and I tend to binge eat whenever I’m emotionally overwhelmed.

Every time I try to eat healthier, I eventually collapse back into old habits.

Independence / Guilt:

I struggle with basic adult responsibilities.

I only recently moved away from my parents, and honestly they coddled me for most of my life. Because of that, I never really learned how to become independent properly.

I couldn’t even order food for myself until I was 16 because of my anxiety.

Part of the reason I forced myself to move out was because I realized if I stayed, I would continue depending on them forever. I knew it wasn’t fair to them or to my own future.

Recently I’ve been helping my parents move, and seeing my mother cry has destroyed me emotionally. I feel guilty for how much my mental health issues and dependence have affected her over the years.

A lot of the time I feel like a burden. Sometimes I think the main reason I stayed alive is because my death would hurt the people around me even more.

Loneliness / Wanting a Future:

Outside of my parents, I barely talk to anyone. I have a few friends, but I mostly isolate myself.

For years now I’ve felt intensely lonely.

I want companionship. I want a normal life. I want a wife, kids, stability, meaningful work, and the ability to help people however I can.

But lately it feels more like a fantasy than something actually attainable.

Sorry again for the extremely long post. If anyone has advice, perspective, or has been through something similar, I’d genuinely appreciate hearing it.

Thank you for reading.

don't know if this is the right subreddit for this. I'm 25, I'm a bit older starting know. Recently I've considered trying to become a math teacher and I'm curious if it's something I should pursue. I've alway found math pretty easy, and I've enjoyed learning it on a more philosophical level. One thing I really enjoyed when learning calc 1 was explaining certain mathematics to my mom, some of which things that we take for granted and never truly learned in math education, from the fundamentals of what math is. I personally remember being younger and it's made me reflect on what type of teacher I would want to be, and how I would treat the kids in the classroom and promote true learning. I've reflected a lot of my schooling and some of the mistakes made from my teachers(no defense) and I constantly think of ways of how they can be rectified. I realize a lot of this may sound overly idealistic but it's just something that sort of excites me. Perhaps the bureaucracy neuters this to some degree, regardless I would like to understand more of the inner processes. Another thing selfishly is, I care a lot about the perception I get from others. Most of my life during my school years people told me I was less Intelligent, including teachers, and I guess I'm hoping to prove them wrong in some sort of way by becoming one and treating my students better than I was treated at times. Mind you, I have autism, and adhd, so I might struggle a bit with the social aspects of teacher which i recognize is the biggest part of the job, I’m just hoping overtime I can learn to get over that. I guess I'm wondering, what are some things should I consider in pursuing this and is it worth it for someone in my situation?

I don’t know if this is the right subreddit for this. I’m 25, I’m a bit older starting know. Recently I’ve considered trying to become a math teacher and I’m curious if it’s something I should pursue. I’ve alway found math pretty easy, and I’ve enjoyed learning it on a more philosophical level. One thing I really enjoyed when learning calc 1 was explaining certain mathematics to my mom, some of which things that we take for granted and never truly learned in math education, from the fundamentals of what math is. I personally remember being younger and it’s made me reflect on what type of teacher I would want to be, and how I would treat the kids in the classroom and promote true learning. I’ve reflected a lot of my schooling and some of the mistakes made from my teachers(no defense) and I constantly think of ways of how they can be rectified. I realize a lot of this may sound overly idealistic but it’s just something that sort of excites me. Perhaps the bureaucracy neuters this to some degree, regardless I would like to understand more of the inner processes. Another thing selfishly is, I care a lot about the perception I get from others. Most of my life during my school years people told me o was less Intelligent, including teachers, and I guess I’m hoping to prove them wrong in some sort of way by becoming one and treating my students better than they treated me at times. I guess I’m wondering, what are some things should I consider in pursuing this and is it worth it for someone in my situation?

I apologize. This might be a dumb question. But I’ve been thinking of getting the B.S in Mathematics Education degree. I was curious, if it doesn’t work out and say I don’t like teaching, would the math courses transfer over? I looked at some of my local universities and non of them has WGU course equivalencies, so I’m apprehensive of starting i don’t know if the course will transfer to say an engineering school, since I would have to take all the math anyway, it would be convenient if it transferred over. I was wondering, just in case, should I just take the math an a local community college instead?

So I just got a job as a DSP(direct support professional) about a month ago. I’ve never had a caregiving job before. I have autism, adhd, depression, anxiety and suspected bipolar. I work overnights 3 days a week, 34 hours. They are gonna have me go on my own next week and I’m not at all prepared for it. I know how to do some of the documentation, I know relatively speaking what I have to do, but I’m terrified because I know if there was an emergency I wouldn’t be prepared at all. I read the binder a few times and there is no way I’m gonna retain and remember all of the procedures of what to do at certain points, my brain doesn’t work that way, I’d have to have the binder at home and study it rigorously. There is 6 individuals at the home. I feel almost indebted to stay because they are unbelievably understaffed. My coworker has a much needed vacation next week and I don’t want to squander it by calling out and quitting on her. I also really like the consumers, they’ve been nothing but kind to me. I have my trainings next week, I’m hoping that will prepare me a little more but I feel like deer in headlights. The thing is I mask my anxiety so well that my coworker has no idea how much I’m panicking inside. I’m also worried the new found lack of sleep will induce mania or a psychotic episode one day on my shift. A lack of sleep has done that to me in the past. I’ve been thinking of all these dangerous excape planes to escape work, like going to a hospital, getting arrested, overdosing on a substance. It’s all very obtuse to me, how can I take care of 6 people when I can barely take care of myself. Luckly the chances of an emergency happening is very low in the over night, but if it doesn’t I’m woefully underprepapsrd and due to my autism, I’m terrified to ask and worse off, I’m masking that. It’s just all more information overload that my brain can handle rn, I haven’t been employed in like a year and I come back immediately to this responsibility I’ve never had to handle before. I also don’t want to accidentally hurt the consumers. Can someone please give me some advice of what to do?

So I just got a job as a DSP(direct support professional) about a month ago. I’ve never had a caregiving job before. I have autism, adhd, depression, anxiety and suspected bipolar. I work overnights 3 days a week, 34 hours. They are gonna have me go on my own next week and I’m not at all prepared for it. I know how to do some of the documentation, I know relatively speaking what I have to do, but I’m terrified because I know if there was an emergency I wouldn’t be prepared at all. I read the binder a few times and there is no way I’m gonna retain and remember all of the procedures of what to do at certain points, my brain doesn’t work that way, I’d have to have the binder at home and study it rigorously. There is 6 individuals at the home. I feel almost indebted to stay because they are unbelievably understaffed. My coworker has a much needed vacation next week and I don’t want to squander it by calling out and quitting on her. I also really like the consumers, they’ve been nothing but kind to me. I have my trainings next week, I’m hoping that will prepare me a little more but I feel like deer in headlights. The thing is I mask my anxiety so well that my coworker has no idea how much I’m panicking inside. I’m also worried the new found lack of sleep will induce mania or a psychotic episode one day on my shift. A lack of sleep has done that to me in the past. I’ve been thinking of all these dangerous excape planes to escape work, like going to a hospital, getting arrested, overdosing on a substance. It’s all very obtuse to me, how can I take care of 6 people when I can barely take care of myself. Luckly the chances of an emergency happening is very low in the over night, but if it doesn’t I’m woefully underprepapsrd and due to my autism, I’m terrified to ask and worse off, I’m masking that. It’s just all more information overload that my brain can handle rn, I haven’t been employed in like a year and I come back immediately to this responsibility I’ve never had to handle before. I also don’t want to accidentally hurt the consumers. Can someone please give me some advice of what to do?

Warning, I’m well aware of how this may come off to some people. I am spoiled and entitled, I’m aware, so let’s just get that out of the way.

I have ADHD, autism, anxiety, depression and recently suspected bipolar disorder. I am only telling you this for context, maybe it may explain a few things(it likely won’t). So I’ve been recently trying to get better. I’ve been going to therapy, I recently got a job for the first time in a while, and I’m currently helping me and my parents move out. The shifts and hours aren’t bad, 34 hours a week, 3 days a week, Thursday’s, Fridays, Saturdays as a DSP. They are overnights so that been messing with my sleep which may be exacerbating some symptoms. It’s about as low stress as it gets, I make plenty enough to afford my rent, yet, I keep trying to find ways to sabotage it. I won’t go into detail but I’ve been fantasizing and making plans about getting into dangerous things to avoid work. And I’ve almost have done a few of them, today I was planning to induce a psychosis, and I took 3 of my no longer prescribed adderal which I planed to take a bunch more off before I stoped myself. It’s kind of pathetic that I can’t seem to handle being an adult at my age. I’ve had some employment issues in the past arising from my mental health, I would essentially keep having breakdowns and losing my job. I was hoping I’d be in a place where I wouldn’t do that again. I’m basically a complete and total failure. I don’t really have an skills of any kind, I spent most of my years to depressed to do anything an I’m actively facing the consequences of it, laying in a grave of my own inaction. It’s not that I don’t like things. I’m interested in lots of things, I just can’t seem to commit to one, and I’m kind of drowning in a room of partially read textbooks I’ll never complete. Recently I haven’t been reading them at all. I haven’t really done anything at all except watched tv, porn, and play telltales walking dead for the 70th time. Luckly I haven’t been too suicidal or anything. It’s certain been worse but I know where this heads if it gets much worse. I have an associate’s degree in arts that I’m honestly embarrassed about. I barely remember anything from it because I was drinking/smoking a lot at the time. From there I tried to go into graphic arts, Architecture, then computer science, but they all stalled out. Now I feel like I have no real “crystallized knowledge” to build on. I also even through all the schooling never truely leaned how to study. One big thing that’s been weighing on me is how I was raised. I’ve basically been coddled my whole life. My parents were always stressed, but they gave me everything and shielded me from a lot of consequences. My mom in particular has always gone way above and beyond—almost to an extreme. She’s helped me out of a lot of situations, and now even gave me a goddamn house. And instead of just feeling grateful, I mostly feel guilty. I don’t feel like I earned any of it. It’s like I never developed resilience or the ability to handle things on my own, because someone was always stepping in. Part of me even feels like I subconsciously try to make myself suffer now to “make up for it.” At the same time, my relationship with my mom is complicated. She cares a lot—almost too much. When I was younger, she would do things like track or show up where I was, and it made me really paranoid and weird about privacy. She can also be manipulative or dishonest at times, even if her intentions are good. Regardless, from what I was given, it’s a disgrace I’ve found my self where I’m at. I recently told her I almost wish she cared less, because I feel like it’s been detrimental to both of us. That’s a hard thing to even say, because she’s done so much for me. I’ve been juggling what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I am super insecure about my intelligence from some deep routed childhood trauma from schoolI’m not getting into now. My dad has a PhD in civil engineering. And it makes me want to go into engineering to get that “smart” stamp of approval from society. I’d also love to curb my ignorance and learn truely learn about subjects I’ve been interested anyway. I also like that it might be hard enough to distract me from myself. But I doubt if I’m smart enough and am almost certain I’m not disciplines enough to do it. Even if I really like math. It’s strange that I’m thinking about this while simultaneously struggling to get out of bed. Socially I’m a mess, I feel like a total outcast, like an alien. I used to have these misanthropic feelings about it but now I feel less evicted and more just generally lonely. I’m sick of feeling like the loneliest person on the planet . I’ve recently been thinking about getting a girlfriend, which given all the other shit should be the last thing on my mind, but I’ve spent my entire life longing for companionship that I never received. It’s like I want to improve everything at once (career, health, hobbies, social life), but I get overwhelmed and do nothing.

I’d appreciate any advice I could get. I want to get better and am willing to(to try) do the work. And please don’t pull any punches, I can handle it.
Thank you Redditors

If it helps, I have adhd and autism.

I’m 25 and I’ve been wanting to go back to school for a while now. But this issue is almost unrelated because even if I didn’t go back to school I would like to finish my textbooks. I have a bunch sprawled through my house all formed from a temporary surge of curiosity. I get kind of frustrated with myself, I have all these things I want to learn yet I ten to stall out consistently around 3-4 chapters into any textbook(or book for that matter). My comprehension is generally bad, I tend to forget most of what I read and that’s a bit demotivating. I never really learned how to properly read, I kind of bullshited my way through school, mind you I was(and still am) dealing with heavy depression at the time, regardless that combined with being in resource class meant that I never truely learned how to study, or more importantly, I never developed the discipline needed to get through things. I’m more than willing to try out things and take suggestions. I appreciate all the help I can get, thank you.