u/JellyfishPashmina

I’m not agoraphobic or anything like that, but I have just lost all will to associate with any people at all. Which sucks, because the other side of me for my whole life has so desperately wanted to form genuine human connections. But I’m just so burned out. I’m actually an extrovert at heart, but people have made me an introvert. The last 5 years, I have faced nothing but devastating betrayal from the people I’ve grown closest to. Even when I go out and run errands, it just seems like every stranger has such a bug up their ass. Even on social media and Reddit, everyone just seems like they’re looking to fight or tear one another down. I’m just so over it, and at 32, this worries me for the rest of my life, or my only option is to cut it short because my social situation isn’t going to change and I can’t live life so lonely anymore.

Part of the problem is I can just really see people for who they are: they’re selfish, they “don’t owe” anyone anything, they’re quick to judge, they lie to make themselves look better, they betray you without a care; and they only want to be your friend if you somehow give them status, you’re attractive, something about you makes them bow down to you, or they want something from you.

My dad used to tell me all the time growing up, “The older you get, the more you realize people suck.” And I never believed him, and in fact he’s a very likable person who had a lot of friends at my age but just chooses not to have friends. But he still says it, and now, I get it. Difference is, unlike him, I don’t feel I have the option to make friends, because no one shows interest in being mine, and are just rude or couldn’t care less 99.9% if the time, and I’m just so burnt out on trying. Seems like everyone’s got all their friends locked in, aren’t looking to be nice to anyone not in their circle, and I feel so ostracized at this point that I’m not going to dedicate all my free time trying to get people to see value in me.

People are just…such a letdown, and their intentions are always so clear when talking to them, that I just can’t stand having to be around them anymore. Which is obviously so painful, because the right people can make or break your life, and obviously in my case, it broke it.

I can’t find anyone like me. I just can’t. I’m a city girl at heart who also loves the ocean. I like to go to museums, cultural events, travel. I’ve made this all clear on my app bios and in person, and yet, every man I encounter couldn’t be more different: they’re covered in tats, they spend all their free time hiking and hunting. Even if they live in the city, pretty much the first thing they tell me is they hate living there. They hate travel, they don’t do museums, etc. On top of that, I’m don’t drink and I’m not into tattoos, but always encounter options with sleeves on both arms who drink every weekend and maybe even smoke cigarettes. I also live in an extremely liberal area, but as a liberal atheist, all I keep meeting are conservative, Trumpian Christians.

This happens on the apps and in person. And I just don’t understand why I can’t find my kind of person. I know the pot empties as you get older, but this has been happening for my entire 20s, too. I’m really at a point in my life where I’d rather be alone than be with the guy who just wants to sit around and “chill” all weekend, or spend all his time hiking, hunting, working on cars, whatever—but obviously that’s so painful and isolating to just choose to be alone because you don’t have another option. All the couples I know like to enjoy hobbies together, and that’s honestly what I see for myself, but the men I encounter are literally the opposite of me as a person, and they’re all over the place. Why does this keep happening, and why can’t I find at least a few men with shared interests, values, and goals as I have?

Please don’t say some unnecessary nonsense like, “If everyone’s the problem, you’re the problem.” I served my time pretending to be interested in whatever a guy was, only to not end up with an emotionally immature man anyways. I was very compromising and got very serious with a man who had different interests because he presented himself as a good man, up until the point of engagement, but was burned very badly in the end. So, I’m not ashamed at this age and point in my life to admit what I like, what my values are, and what I’m looking for in a partner. Problem is the dating landscape in my area, both in person and on the apps, just seems to be entirely full of the same type of men, even despite living near a big city, and their personalities are simply not my type. Moving is also not an option for me, at the moment, and again, it shouldn’t be so hard to find a man in a city who actually enjoys being in said city, but instead, I see bios that say, “You shouldn’t date me if you’re a girl who lives in a city without a car.”

I just…don’t understand. Anyone know what’s up with this? I don’t know where else to move to find a good man with shared interests if I’ve done what I can to be in an area to meet someone like that, including attending college in a large city, yet still only finding men who only like to “chill” or party and not actually enjoy the cultural sites and experiences said places have to offer. I’ve tried joining similar hobbies, etc., nothing works. And I just truly don’t understand how people found their perfect personality match at 21 and were just off to the races together. (Looking for a kind, caring, good man is obviously implied on top of personality and interests.)

14 years. That’s so hard to say (type) out loud. 14. I’ve been dreaming of getting married. 14 years of intentional dating, app swiping, dating “gurus,” humiliation after humiliation, failed relationships. I’ve exhausted my resources. Do you know how much people who DID find their one have accomplished in 14 years? Married, first homes, kids, second homes, career promotions (aided by each others’ support). A whole lifetime of memories together. 14 years later, my parents are rapidly aging, everyone’s onto their happily ever after, and here I am, stuck at the train platform, wondering how the fuck I had 14 whole years to find someone and couldn’t manage it when everyone else’s train came. 14 years of missed holidays, date nights, quiet evenings at home, wild memories from our 20s, growing up together, laughing. All missed in an infinite struggle to just find a decent, kind man. And the older I get, the more everyone pairs up, and the further the dream slips away. It feels literally impossible at this point. 14 years—what the hell could I possibly do now that would magically work anyway?

I’m just…devastated. Idk, this life…I can’t spend the rest of my life trying to find someone for my dream life to finally begin. I just don’t get the purpose of it all, of life, if you don’t find love.

No matter what I do, how many tutorials I watch, what products I buy, nothing ever looks good on me. For most of my life, I used to do a powder-based routine that was extremely simple with just foundation, mascara, and lip gloss, and that was about it. Sometimes, a fun eyeshadow or mascara color because it was the aughts. When I entered college, I developed adult acne (yay), and realized the brand I used forever had reformulated their product and it was worsening my breakouts. This was also around the time when all the heavy liquid products and bold eyeshadow palettes were highly popularized, so I tried switching. And I looked a mess, despite following all the steps properly. I reverted back to powder, and noticed just how much it was sticking to my facial hairs. I’m pretty low maintenance when it comes to my self-care routine, so I didn’t want the financial obligation of derma-planing my face, and now I’m at a stage where I’m older and starting to get fine lines, so powder isn’t an option, liquid’s far too dramatic for daytime (and looks insane on me), and tints and creams just…don’t look good.

I’ve tried everything and with anything more than the slightest whisper of a barely-there blush, I just always look like an overdone clown. If I ever try any kind of liquid blush that’s popular now, even just a miniscule dot, it immediately overpowers my entire face. Even the blondest possible brow pen makes my eyebrows stand out way too harshly, but a clear gel makes them look muddy mixed with the foundation, and my natural brows are too high contrast for my face when I’m going for a sultry, feminine look (I actually use the blond to lighten them). I know my shades are right and not too dark, but when the palest options for my coloring always turn to orange or pink or yellow on my oily skin, even with setting spray and all the right prep. I can pull off a bold lip, but I know that’s not really the style anymore, and again, not great for everyday.

It’s also the way makeup sits on my face. Again, I get all the right applicators, I moisturize, I promise, I make sure my products have the same kind of best, and it still flakes, or doesn’t blend like butter like you see others do. I try sponges, brushes, powder puffs, nothing helps to blend well or keep the build-up from showing. And it either all looks mushed together and you can’t even tell I used different products in different areas, or I get stubborn parts of my face where the makeup just won’t blend and creates harsh lines between blush and foundation, etc. Even just the tiniest possible amount of setting powder shows on my face and then gets stuck in my wrinkles, without eliminating any of the shine. And I’m sooo light-handed with everything too. I thought maybe I was being heavy-handed with my makeup, but if I do any less, it literally looks like I’m wearing nothing—and not in a good way, in a it literally looks like I didn’t put in any effort way—plus I see beauty influencers literally pouring globs of foundation on their face and it still turns out well (I know it probably wouldn’t look that great IRL, but the point is it still looks good, where I’d look like I was having a crisis).

It literally feels like my face just isn’t made for makeup. Like, my facial and genetic features go against everything makeup is designed to do, and just doesn’t carry it well and makes me look worse. But I don’t want to go natural all the time—I don’t love my natural features and want to be able to soften the ones I don’t like and to elevate the ones I do like. I’d love to find just a nice, elegant look that doesn’t require a lot of layers (I’m ASD with hyperhydrosis, so I actually hate the feeling of cream/liquid makeups on my skin), that makes me feel pretty, and that won’t seep into all my nooks and crannies nor oxidize six seconds after I put it on. I’d love to find multiple routines actually, but if daytime makeup looks harsh, imagine my struggle trying to find a nice, neutral, special-occasion look.

Anyone else just feel super ugly in makeup? I know not wearing it is an option, and I don’t most days for my skin’s sake, but I’m also a girly girl and love treating myself to a new beauty product now and again, and I’m just so discouraged and feel so ugly knowing nothing looks good. I’ve really been feeling like makeup is designed for women who are already attractive, and no amount of doing everything right is going to fix the fact that I’m not. And I’m not a trend-follower, but it would be nice to play around with some of the products and switch up my routine now and again, and my face doesn’t follow the trends like other conventionally attractive women can does. Plus, the problems makeup seeks to “resolve” don’t apply universally and not much can reduce the features I’m looking to minimize: I have a prominent but thin nose so contour doesn’t work, I have prominent cheekbones I actually want to hide while everyone else is trying to accentuate theirs, I have thin lips which can only be overdrawn so much, I have a cleft chin which everyone else is brightening, and I have hooded lids that don’t work for all the dramatic eye routines. Things like natural brows makes me look like a Neanderthal, contouring makes me look sickly and androgynous, a bold eye on my hooded looks makes me look vaudevillian, etc. And especially with all the bold, hyper-pigmented products out there now that absolutely do not work for me, I’m just feeling so discouraged trying to find my “holy grail” routine when no products or methods I’ve studied seem to work for me.

“We went to the grocery store,” “We have to drop off the dog at the vet in the morning,” “We love wine tastings.” At some point in your 30s, you realize everyone who’s in a relationship shares all their information as “we” and not “I,” and it honestly just…makes me feel like shit. At my age, it’s predominantly people saying “we” instead of “I,” like the verbal equivalent of a wedding ring. And it’s not just people you know; I pick up on strangers telling me stories like this like I’m just supposed to know who their spouse is, without them ever having said, “my spouse, (name), and I.” It’s like you’re just supposed to assume there’s a second entity attached to them, even if that person isn’t really helping performing the action—e.g. you didn’t both bring the dog to the vet, one of you did.

It’s like a weird language coupled people speak, but it makes me self conscious to just say “I” now. It’s like, “Uh-oh, they now know I’m single.” The second I start saying, “I’m going on a staycation this weekend,” I know their brains are short-circuiting and pity is entering the chat. Older parents list adult kids by couple, listing the single ones last, and singles get the couch on vacations. It’s like being an “I” makes you an isolated loser, the final thought, the last resort, the last player picked, because couples are a unit of two and therefore somehow entitled to more privilege than you? And you’re just some sad sack on your own. Poor you.

Can anyone else relate to this? Do you also feel like couples think they’re more special simply for the fact that they found someone and you didn’t / haven’t yet? Has anyone else ever been judged for this? Maybe I’m just surrounded by elitist a-holes, but you can literally see the pity in the eyes when they find out you’re single or the confused privilege on their faces when they aren’t given first priority above a single person.